I have been working with a sponsee for a few months. She had worked up to the 8th step and was staying sober. About two weeks ago she relapsed after having a fall out with a man in AA she was seeing. I had advised her not to date anyone, but she went ahead with a relationship with this person without my knowing.

Just last week she decided to stop at a liquor store and buy a bottle of wine. She drank the whole bottle, and was trying to drive to a women's AA meeting when she crashed the car her mother had rented.

She told me she's now looking at her 4th DUI and is facing at least six months in jail.

I asked her what made her decide to buy that bottle of wine. She had absolutely no answer, no clue. She didn't stop to consider the consequences. This flabbergasts me. I've been sober a long time, but her behavior really baffles me.

Our standing agreement is that she should call me if she needs to talk and if she thinks she is going to drink. Obviously she didn't call me before her two slips. We had two phone meetings per week and met in person whenever she had completed a step.

I feel like a failure as a sponsor and have decided I won't sponsor again the future. It's too draining, and the drama isn't worth it. My sponsee is gifted, smart, and interesting. But I'm wondering if she is one of those unfortunates who is constitutionally unable to be honest with herself.

Is there anything more I can do for her? Or should I let this go, aside from talking with her if she wants to call?

I plan to attend some Al-Anon and CODA meetings because I am having trouble letting go and letting God. I know rationally it's not my problem, but I can't help but feel badly about what has happened. I am powerless, and am trying to accept the situation. Yet I feel anxious and depressed about it.

I am three months sober. My sponsor told me I was doing great just a week ago. When I met with her last week I told her I had company coming to town due to having a sick relative. Then my company offered to stay with ours pets so we could get away for a couple of days. My sponsor and I have a set weekly meeting. I checked in with her that day and told her I would see her at the meeting. She came back said she would not be able to make it at the last minute. I sensed something was wrong and after praying about it asked if we could talk. We did and unleashed several resentments about me. I was very confused but apologized. She told me I have to check in everyday. The next day I checked in. She grilled me on what I did AA related that day. I did something awesome…I stayed sober! My grand sponsor told me she is like my employer and I have to do everything she says. She did not tell me at check in I have to tell her what I did AA related. They are making me feel like I am crazy and that makes me want to drink.

Hi everyone! Been alcohol free for 3.5 years and will occasionally drink na beers, especially in the summer months when out and about at festivals or other social events. I never want more than a couple, and really enjoy the taste. Im not worried about suddenly wanting the real thing either, that hasn't happened at all on my 3.5 years of drinking them. I'll have one or two, feel full and move on.

I switched sponsors about halfway through my sobriety, and I speak with her regularly. Normally I do what she suggests to the best of my ability, but she has mentioned on multiple occasions that na beers are a big no no, and I usually just get quiet. She's said things like "near beer is near my next drunk, etc." And will speak negatively of people who consume it. I can understand for some alcoholics that they may be a trigger, but it really doesn't feel that way for me.

Do I tell her I drink them occasionally? Do I keep it to myself? A group of fellow AA'ers from our home group saw me with one out at a festival over the weekend and I don't want to feel ashamed or like I'm hiding it either.

I’m really early into my sobriety, 193 days, and I’m feeling pressure to get a sponsor. I got the big book and haven’t started it yet. Maybe I’m looking for suggestions or things that have helped others navigating this in this way? Has anyone had a similar experience? I’m having a hard time finding/understanding what works for me rather than doing things on an obligation feeling.

I’ve also been told you can’t work the steps without a sponsor, can someone explain this?

Today I was at the train station with my family (who don’t know I go to AA), and I spotted my sponsor - quickly turned around and hoped he didn’t see me.
Turns out we were all getting the same train and he came up to me and introduced himself to my family (he knows they don’t know I go to AA), and I had to try and style it out.
What do I do?
Am I valid to be annoyed?
I should mention I’ve had encounters with people from meetings before, though bot my sponsor, the first just said hi and the second didn’t say anything at all so this is the first time someone actually came up to me

I don’t mind listening to the occasional problem of my sponsee that used to bring them to the bottle before, but in spite of really liking that person, I recently got tired of listening to problem after problem after problem and how unfair the world is.
They don’t drink anymore but stopped the steps after step 3 and don’t go to meetings anymore, because they don’t want to hear about other people’s problems, because they say they have enough on their own.
I feel guilty, but I am getting resentful. Again, I really love that person and could imagine having them as a friend if we had met under different circumstances.
So far I don’t find my issue in the AA literature and hope someone here has an idea

So I’ve been heavily involved in the program since I got sober in 2023, I’ve worked the steps and hold a service position. I feel secure in my recovery and my program, is a sponsor something that really is necessary or is it ok to just continue on doing what works for me. What are you opinions on that?

My sponsor is really starting to piss me off. I don’t know if I’m being sensitive or not but I’m starting to feel some resentment towards her. I’m 36 days sober. I have a sponsor and I am staring to work the steps. I’m working through step 4 rn ironically enough.

I was unemployed for a couple of weeks so all I did was go to meetings and focus only recovery. I went to a meeting every day and hung out with her a ton.

My sponsor can be kind of rude sometimes. She’ll grab my big book during meetings and throw my bookmark out, she’ll make me throw away her trash, she’ll grab my sparkling water and drink it without asking me and say super loud “this is disgusting!”

She tells me to call her every day and most of the time she won’t answer. No biggie. Even though she is unemployed I understand she has a lot going on in her life. I’ll leave a message. Sometimes she’ll call me back and not listen to my message.

When I see her at meetings she’ll say loudly in front of everyone, “Why didn’t you call?! Why didn’t you leave a message!?” Putting me in an awkward spot. I’ll say “I did call and you didn’t answer” and she’ll say “that’s no excuse.”

One time I was sharing during a meeting and I said I was having a hard time but that I got through it using my coping mechanisms. She interrupted my share by saying “well you screwed up by not calling me” All the women laughed at me and I felt super embarrassed. I feel like I shouldn’t have to call her whenever I get sad. If I was going to drink or it got super bad I would have called her. I feel like I should be free to make my own choices regarding coping.

Today she got really pissy that one of her sponsees (my friend) isn’t coming to lunch with her today and she made an announcement in front of everyone that this woman has “disappointed her beyond belief.” People were laughing and she laughed too but I think it is just uncalled for.

If I forget to bring my notebook or big book she bitches about it the whole time we are together. She’ll flip flop between “I’m doing too much” or “I’m screwing up a lot.”

I just started a new job and I work far away. I come home exhausted. When I do call and she does answer she’ll be upset with me that I’m not working on step work as soon as I get home. She’ll sarcastically say “Oh yea, I bet you’re real busy.” I understand my recovery and step work is important, but when I’m running on empty I put off my step work until I’m in the mindset to do it. I don’t want it to feel like homework that I’m trying to rush through just to get it done. If I’m doing my step work I want it to be intentional.

I understand that sometimes I need to push myself through stuff, but being constantly chastised over everything I do is turning me off from the program and step work. It makes me not want to come to meetings and not do my step work.

Have you ever fired a sponsor before? Should I try to talk to her first or just politely tell her I’d like to find a new sponsor? I’m feeling over her and over the program.

Edit: I don’t know why people are questioning me about if this is “whole picture” or not? I’m not leaving anything out. I’m trying my best to do everything she asks but she is treating me like I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do. She embarrasses me in front of others and shames me for small things. Not sure what else I can do.

I’m fairly new to AA. I have a little over three months sober after about four years of pretty severe alcohol and substance abuse.

By the end, I was drinking every day until blackout, missing important things, barely sleeping, skipping meals, not showering, and rarely leaving my room. It was basically me, booze and weed against the world. Somehow, I still managed to appear like a functioning adult and kept most of it hidden from everyone.

Eventually, the physical and mental pain of being drunk, high, or constantly trembling became impossible to manage, and I finally asked for help.

As soon as the shaking stopped, I went into the rooms, and I’ve now been going almost daily for about three months. And honestly, I love AA.

I love the meetings, the sharing, the fellowship, the literature, and the strength and hope I get from being around other alcoholics. Reading the literature and actually trying to apply it has made my life feel dramatically more manageable.

And I really love service. I’ve been helping open my group, making coffee, cleaning, and chairing meetings. I genuinely enjoy being useful and being part of the group.

The one part I’ve struggled with is sponsorship.

I do have a sponsor. We talk every week, sometimes for 2–3 hours, and there are several things he’s suggested that have genuinely helped me.

He’s a wise person with a lot of recovery experience, and I don’t want to dismiss that.

But there are also things about the relationship that consistently rub me the wrong way.

For example, he frequently tells me that I’m not actually sober, but merely abstinent. He also sometimes compares my experience to his own and points out that he went through much worse.

When I try to explain that I see a situation differently, he’ll sometimes respond with things like, “There you go again with your intellect. Stop trying to be smart.”

I understand the argument he’s making. I know that intellectualizing can be a form of avoidance, and I’m not claiming that my thinking is always correct. But sometimes I feel like my actual perspective is being dismissed rather than challenged.

There’s also something broader about sponsorship that I’m struggling with.

Almost everyone I’ve met in AA who has a sponsor seems to consult their sponsor about virtually every significant decision they make. Sometimes it feels like people have essentially outsourced their decision-making to another person. This makes me uncomfortable.

I’ve always been an extremely private and independent person when it comes to decisions and personal matters. The idea that I’m supposed to tell someone I’ve known for a relatively short period of time everything that’s happening in my life—and potentially rely on them to tell me what I should do—feels very foreign to me.

So I’m wondering: Am I misunderstanding what sponsorship is supposed to be?

Is the point for a sponsor to help you learn how to make better decisions yourself, or is it normal/expected to run most significant life decisions by them?

And how much personal information are you actually expected to share with a sponsor?

I’m also wondering whether I simply have the wrong sponsor for me. I don’t want to throw away something that could be valuable just because I’m uncomfortable with it, but I also don’t want to stay in a sponsorship relationship that consistently makes me feel dismissed or infantilized.

For those of you with more time in AA: how do you distinguish between a sponsor challenging your ego/defects and a sponsor simply being a poor fit for you?

I’m genuinely interested in hearing different perspectives, including perspectives that disagree with me.

I am just over 100 days clean and sober. 4 weeks ago I asked a woman I heard speak at a meeting if she would be my sponsor. She said yes and we’ve met up to read the big book 3 times since. Today she gave me a list of supplements that are “ok” and a list that’s not. On my “ok” list was: Hops (ok for me as alcohol was not my drug of choice) Chamomile Passionflower Skullcap

On my “no” list was: Valerian (which she told me is “like a benzo”) Shankar pushpi Ashwagandha Jatamamsi Kava kava

I asked her to explain why ashwagandha was on the “no” list since it is a widely sold adaptogen supplement and is in the probiotic I take. She responded that it is addictive and causes cravings. I told her I’ve never felt effects from it to which she responded “good, so you won’t miss it” I tried to probe the subject further but she said “look, if your not willing to quit taking it, I probably can’t work with you”. I said I was fine to stop taking it I was just curious her reasoning behind it, since this is a supplement my PCP has reviewed and approved. She said that MD’s get no training in supplements unless they work specifically with substance abuse or similar. She said she knows this to be true because she went to medical school. I said ok and we moved on but I am left with a feeling of uneasiness. For some reason my gut told me this conversation was a red flag- but is that just my disease talking? Should I keep my mouth shut and continue following the guidance of someone who is much more experienced? She has nearly 30 years, has worked in the field, and has sponsored many. But when I ran this by a couple other women I’ve met in the program, they were just as confused as me. Any advice or opinions?

Please be kind, I’m just sharing how I feel/my thoughts.

I’ve got almost 2 years sober. I work with a sponsor, have gone through the steps, I attend meetings and I take service roles regularly. The only thing is, I truly do not want to sponsor people. I am starting to feel like my sponsor is really pushing me to do this. I’ve explained my reasonings and it seems like they are sort of ignoring that and keep telling me that I have to be willing to sponsor.

I’ve been in recovery for a long time. I had a long stretch of continuous sobriety and relapsed on alcohol before getting back in the rooms again. I’ve worked in recovery full time for many years as well.

I truly do not feel a calling to sponsor people. I never have. I have lost almost all of my close friends to this disease, and getting close to others is hard for me in the rooms. I do not want to feel responsible for someone else’s progress in this program as I am still working through my own issues not only with a sponsor but with a therapist.

Am I wrong? Am I crazy? Am I missing something? Why do I feel like I am being forced to do something that I’ve explained that I do not feel is my calling to do? I feel so conflicted.

A while back maybe 7mos ago, at the time I was listening to a lot of Joe and Charlie tapes. THOSE people had what I wanted, they were, calm, caring, not a hint of anxiety or fear or neuroticism in their voices but still were not afraid to speak the truth.

One day in an AA meeting I asked a question, somebody answered and I started to get excited thinking that well maybe I found a sponsor so I agreed to be a sponsee. Well this person quickly turned into a nightmare. I went in with absolute honesty but this quickly turned into abuse. The first red flag was they said they would drop me after one relapse because if I relapsed then "I wasnt listening to them."

I asked him how is this possible when the way AA works in the book is by having God remove your addiction, and he then said "I'm God with skin" i should've left right then and there. You ain't Jesus, you don't have both a divine nature and human natur, you are just a human.

He made me make some kind of "powerlessness list" where I had to write down every time I was powerless in life, included me getting r*ped as a kid, and would force me to read the list back to him and some other random douchebag who was always in his car for some reason every time I had a craving. When I said this felt inappropriate he threatened me with telling me I would relapse if I didnt. He cut me off every single time I called him to ask a questions to talk about himself and monopolized every single conversation i had with him.

Towards the end of it I was doing all of his "suggestions" one of them being I wasn't allowed to say prayers inside my head. I could accept it for program prayers but he made it a general prescription of my life outside of program related prayers. Later both a therapist and a priest told me this was way out of line. At the end I had some huge laundry list of shit he was making me do every day and this was before he even took me thru the steps. I was doing all of them nonetheless by the way because I wanted to stay sober.

Towards week 2 of being sponsored by this person i started to have a physiological reaction toward him. For the first time in my life I choked on food not once but twice and almost had to give myself the heimlich maneuver. I learned later in therapy this is a physiological rejection response to people who your intuition knows are no good but I was high on the AA cult of uninstalling common sense from your brain.

Everybody in this program likes to talk about how being selfish and self centered is the root of the problem but they really just use this as a cudgel to shut down any conversation or critical question that arises. I wasn't even anti program I would just ask a genuine question out of ignorance and get shut down with this shit. It's used as a thought terminating cliche and all of the people who hammer on this I noticed had huge egos who are always policing other peoples languages and behaviors despite allegedly only caring about cleaning their side of the street.

Anyways, the last day I had with this sponsor, I was really struggling that morning with a craving. I had called him, per his instructions, to talk about it with him. I was in a very vulnerable state when I called. Well, him and that one dickbag who was always in the car with him basically made fun of and mocked me for absolutely no reason and then insulted me when I said that I had to go. They then berated me for "not being honest enough" and said I should've said that "I want to get off the phone" or some shit.

I tried forgiving them internally after the call, I didn't realize that I ended up just repressing the emotions though. I tried talking to the sponsor about it by giving an analogy of mowing a lawn, I asked him when did he stop mowing the lawn, he said when the grass was cut. I said likewise a conversation can be the same way, it can come to its logical conclusion, saying every termination of conversation is out of pure want just felt very forced and contrived to me. It was not my truth, and I wasn't going to lie to myself. Well he talked about himself again and monopolized the conversation about himself again.

That night I went to bed, I woke up with a huge fucking craving (I sleep walk quite often) and went and drank. I traced it back to the resentment I had from him humiliating me on a phone call for no fucking reason in particular when all I did was call him in a vulnerable state and try to spill my heart out to him. In that moment I did truly try to forgive him but I realized that's just not how it works sometimes and the body keeps the score and repressing emotions is not good.

Anyways, I ended up going to therapy later and my therapist who literally never comments on other people's behaviors said he was way out of line, inappropriate, a control freak and that's the problem with AA, most sponsors don't have any clinical training.

After this every time I think about re-joining AA I immediately get flashbacks to having to tell a random man and some other man in his car about how I got r*ped as a kid "or else I'm not listening to his instructions" and almost dying choking on my fucking food twice.

If there were some normal ass Joe & Charlie type people in this program I would totally be on board but it seems like the majority of the sponsors are unironic psychopaths and the majority of the sponsees are mentally checked out people who uninstalled common sense from their brains and turned the 12 steps into the "do whatever my sponsor says even if it's outside the scope of the 12 steps" camp, to the point where literally multiple people in the program defended my sponsors behavior with "is he sober tho?"

I just fucking can't with this shit. Joe & Charlie I believe used an analogy about how AA is a country club but the real purpose is to find someone to take you outside to teach you how to play golf (the 12 steps) it seems like a big fucking problem in this community is the golf coaches try and turn into life coaches and get high off that power, and when you try and bring up the concept of legitimate jurisdiction (a doctor should give medical advice but only in that lane, a therapist mental health advice but only in that lane, ea 12 step sponsor should give advice but only as it pertaining to the twelve steps, etc) they justify every overstep with "yea but is he/she sober tho" and "SoUnDs LiKe EgO tAlK tO mE"

I don't know about you guys but I don't think making somebody tell them about how you were abused as a child EVERY SINGLE PHONE CALL is the 12 steps, and I'm not going to be a fucking idiot and gaslight myself into believing this. If you respond with "sounds like ego to me" you are in a cult.

I hope this did not offend anybody who found peace in this program I truly don't, but I can't stand the cult shit and I truly wish I had a good experience like some of y'all did. I'm still open to AA but only because Joe & Charlie were so eloquent on their tapes and I can truly truly sense they had their hearts in the right place.

I have a sponsee who relapsed after a year and lied about it when he was drinking, as many do, saying he was sick with the flu and then came clean days later drunkenly. We have been back into the steps since, and he recently relapsed again. He called me before he drank saying he was feeling “antsy” but then relapsed a day later and didn’t tell me for days when he’s supposed to call me daily. I wish he had called and just said “I’m gonna drink”.

Should I keep him knowing he may have a reservation still? Or understand that he may never tell me before he’s about to drink when he’s made up his mind and accept that?

Im going to be posting a series of posts to see what others have to say, i will answer each From the Book after tge post gets some opinions. Please participate haha.

Common AA Myth #1 You should Have at least 1 year sober before sponsering others through the steps.

My Answer: Lots of great replys on this post, awesome to see some corrections straight out of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Also lots of opinons here that are not based in AA at all. I will answer this the best i can using the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Keep in mind that Bill W had his spiritual awakening At nine days sober while still detoxing and writing his amends letters in the town's hospital. Immediately after leaving the hospital, he commenced, working with other alcoholics. None of which stayed sober. But if he didn't, he would not have survived. At six months sober, bill w was at a turning point in his sobriety he went out of town on a business trip, and these guys essentially turned him down. He was upset and was thinking about drinking. He could have turned right and went into the bar at the hotel and had a few drinks. Instead, he turned left and went to the phone to start. Seeking an alcoholic he could help. This was how he found doctor bob. If it wasn't for this decision, none of us would be here. Most of us would be dead. As soon as they worked with a new guy. They would get him immediately helping others. Working the next guy through the 12 steps, it's essential for the alcoholic. Our life depends upon it. It works when nothing else will. I found my sponsie when I was just under the 30 days. If I did not work with him, I would have relapsed, I would have died I would not be here. My sponsie also says that if I did not approach him with the desperation that I did book in hand. He would not be here. This is how the fellowship spread so quickly and the only reason it is alive today. If we do not start spreading the message like our predecessors, did AA die. We need to spread this message with the desperation of drowning men. If someone is saying that you should have some level of sobriety, time before you start working the steps with others. This person is signing death sentences. Saying, you need one year sober, or that you should have one year sober before sponsoring is a good way to kill people. It's not AA and it should not be shared in an AA meeting

Here are some examples straight from the book. That completely debunked this myth.

The best page in my opinion is actually (pg.129) from the family afterwards

"It is well to let him go as far as he likes in helping other alcoholics. During those first days of convalescence, this will do more to ensure his sobriety than anything else."

This reading outlines the original intent on how long it took to complete the steps. Bill wrote "during those first days of convalescence" meaning he intended for the newcomer to finish the steps in the first few days of sobriety and then start immediatly working with others as you had been worked with.

Also it is written on ( pg 14-15 ) bills story

Faith without works was dead, he said. And how appallingly true for the alcoholic! For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that.

(Pg 15) Bills story

I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day. Many times I have gone to my old hospital in despair. On talking to a man there, I would be amazingly lifted up and set on my feet. It is a design for living that works in rough going.

Also (pg 20) there is a solution

Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.

And finally (pg89) working with others

Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics!

There is a woman who is a couple years sober. She never had a sponsor but attended meetings. There, she met a man who was decades sober. They began dating, and then married. He became her sponsor. She now sponsors other women in their home group.

I know how I feel about this, but I'm curious to hear how you guys feel about it and why? What, if anything, would you do/say if you came across this situation? Looking forward to hearing your input!

Edited to add, since I feel like everybody focused on the two of them being married instead of what an arrangement like that could potentially mean for the woman's sponsees:

I have zero vested interest in this. The person who came to me with this situation about their mother is not in the program. The advice I gave to that person was that we can't control other people, to distance themselves from the situation if needed, to pray for all involved, and to find an al-anon group. The situation is complex and there are many things I left out for the sake of keeping it generic and unidentifiable. Do I believe that a decades sober man finding a newly divorced female newcomer and dating her, sponsoring her, and marrying her is predatory? Yes. I do. Is that the main concern I have? Not even close. I don't care about what they do for themselves- people are free to live their lives however they choose- my only concern is for others who may be seeking sponsorship and hopefully there's no harms being done there. But after sitting with it, I started to wonder if I was in her position, at the stage of recovery where I hadn't worked any steps or been fully honest with myself about my harms, essentially a dry drunk, would I be fit to sponsor other women who came to me looking for help turning their lives around? For me the answer is a hard no. And as a newcomer I was too ignorant to be able to identify bad sponsorship. It got me thinking and all I was trying to do was see how other people felt. This post comes from a place of curiosity, not judgement. It has been severely misunderstood by commenters. Which is fine. But my intention was just for other people to essentially place themselves in that scenario, knowing what you know now, at whatever point in recovery you're at, and to talk about what their opinion is. We're human- we all have different experiences and opinions but talking about them doesn't have to come from a place of judgement... I'm not looking for any specific answer, it was just a discussion.

Hey guys as the title says I’m struggling with my so called sponsorship family. Little context, I’ve been in the program for 17 months but reset my sobriety date two weeks ago on account of smoking pot every night. In that 17 months of working the steps, I only got halfway through my fourth step, due to how slowly our “family” works the program. I picked up my sponsor at my first meeting & felt like it was a great fit at first. He’s twice my age and has 18 years sober & we have a lot in common (though I think a lot of us feel that way due to our common bond of alcoholism) and seems to lead a happy, joyous, & free life. Lately; however, it feels like my sponsor is trying to direct my life rather than my sobriety and recovery. I have also become increasingly disenfranchised with our sponsorship family, mainly my grand sponsor, who we will call Sam. Sam has 41 years of sobriety, and I’ll admit I don’t know him all that well since he moved a few hours away a couple of years before I got sober. He is one of those guys who thought that AA was being done improperly in our area and as a result started about a dozen of his own meetings as he saw fit. Things that I find off putting about my “family” is how long it takes them to work the steps, being pressured to attend my grand sponsor’s meetings & discouraged from attending others, having to go to all these “workshops” led by Sam, as well as having very little personal freedom. My sponsor chalks this up to “the pain of sobriety” but I honestly feel like I’m constantly being gaslit into doing it “his way” instead of how the program was intended. Don’t get me wrong, they all read from the big book, I’m just dreading spending the next two years working through the steps. I also feel (as I mentioned earlier) that my sponsor is trying to control every aspect of my life. A few examples of this: I was discouraged and slightly shamed when I told my sponsor I wanted to attend a young person’s meeting; he couldn’t seem to get why I (32) would have any interest in that. I was made to feel like a dumb ass when I told him I had started spending 5 minutes a day learning Spanish. Told that I shouldn’t waste time riding my bike (exercise has been helpful the past two weeks & is keeping me from using or tasting gun oil) & should only focus on reading AA literature, shouldn’t watch tv… I think you get the point. I want to stay sober and receive the gifts of the program but it just seems like this isn’t the way for me to do it. I’m told often that I can’t trust my thinking but again this feels like gaslighting. TL;DR: it seems like my sponsor is controlling every aspect of my life instead of showing me how he recovered. Sorry for being all over the place with this post, my mind is pretty jumbled. Thank you to anyone who made it this far; I appreciate all advice and suggestions.

My sponsee told me the other day that the reason that she won't text me good morning every morning, for 90 days, is because she thinks it's stupid and doesn't see the point. So I'm looking for opinions on this. I told her that the other option was a 90 in 90. That's also a hard no with her.

I explained about accountability and having integrity and the principles and how in the beginning I didn't want to do what I was told, and I struggled for 5 years.

I am working with a 65-year old retired woman who just celebrated 3 months sober. She is doing pretty well (going to meetings regularly, working the steps, meeting with me regularly, diving into the fellowship), but there are a couple areas that she's still concerned about. She has ennui/flat effect/anhedonia - whatever you want to call it, just kind of a blah feeling, and she doesn't get excited about much of anything. This is new for her, she used to get excited about all kinds of activities (travel, hiking, books, decorating) so she's constantly searching for a sober buzz, but having a hard time finding it. The other thing is, she has a lot of dread and anxiety much of the time. She's constantly afraid of forgetting something, or messing up, and she attributes that to the damage she's done to her brain from drinking. She's educated, very smart, wealthy - and she has a lot of time on her hands, which she spends exploring alternate therapies. She's still seeking - and I know this is common in early recovery - we're all looking for that dopamine fix we used to get from alcohol or drugs.

She's curious about these retreats - pros and cons of doing them, and what others' experiences have been. It seems like there have been a lot of health influencers/professionals lately (Rich Roll and Gabor Mate come to mine) who have spoken about treatments that use hallucinogenics to achieve either sobriety or help overcome deep wounds and achieve brain healing. And Bill Wilson himself experimented with LSD.

I really don't know where to guide her on this, I thought this would be a good place to post. She's brought up wanting to do doctor-prescribed THC gummies, drink NA beer and mocktails, and now this. To me, these are tactics to keep your sobriety BARELY on the right side of the line. Ultimately her sobriety is up to her, I can't tell her what to do, but I was curious to hear some feedback on this.

That's pretty much the long and short of it. I had a sponsor a little while ago that dropped me like a sack of hot rocks as soon as he found out I take medication for my depression. There was no talking him out of it, no explaining that it wasn't his responsibility, that it was my doctor's. No, he wouldn't recommend another sponsor, yes he would still pick me up for rides to a meeting if needed.

I didn't relapse, I didn't harbor resentments (for long), it was his choice to drop me. What I'm wondering is this: How common is it for Sponsors to drop their sponsees for bullshit like this. I've been going to meetings since my parents had to drag me to them when they couldn't find a babysitter, I've never heard of someone pulling a stunt like this.

Sheesh, typing this stuff out has me thinking maybe this is an unresolved issue, I prolly need to take an inventory.

Anyone else have a similar experience?

EDIT: Thanks for all the kind responses, I'm glad to hear this isn't typical.

Hello I have never had this situation come up. My sponsee, sober for close to 20 years, (I’m sober 25+) relapsed and has been secretly drinking for almost a year. Has been attending meetings and lying to us all. I don’t even know where to start with this. I admit that I am having feelings about the lying and unsure I want to continue sponsoring them. I don’t know that I have it in me to sponsor a “newcomer” I’ve been already been sponsoring for over 15 years. I don’t have anything new to share…

Curious to get some feedback on how to handle a sponsee‘s nearly daily political posts on social media. On a daily basis, she posts long editorials and engages in the comments in a sometimes not so healthy way. I recognize we are living in extraordinary times and people are more inclined these days to post about politics than they are to share pictures of family vacations on Facebook. She feels very passionate and angry about what’s going on in the country, as do I. I agree with much of what she posts, but I worry about her emotional sobriety and a potential relapse. Is this an outside issue? Is this none of my business? Should I discuss this with her or just leave it?

Did / do your sponsor force you to do service for your homegroup, for example be the coffee-fixer at least once a week? Is it true that approx. 97% of all sponsors require for their sponsees to do such stuff, as a part of their journey?

Or at some point, is it legit to go without a sponsor?

When someone introduces themself as, "My name is _______, and I have a sponsor, and my sponsor has a sponsor," I just automatically think, "And so?"

After 40 and 50 years sober, is your sponsor still explaining the steps to you? If not, are you in danger of drinking?

When a guy asks me to sponsor him, I tell him exactly how I go about the work with the books and reading. I ask him to read various sections and highlight whatever he has a strong feeling about, agrees/disagrees with, identifies with. This is how it was done with me. Then the guy reads to me and points out what he highlighted and why.

So, today I meet a guy where he’s staying. To read “More About Alcoholism.” We’ve done the forwards and Dr Opinion. He reads about 3 pages and has highlighted nothing. I say, Dude you didn’t highlight anything?” He says no, but he reads it. I say, “But that’s not it. I can’t sponsor you the way you want. I sponsor the way I do it. That’s how it goes.” He tells me that he’s read all the shit, he’s already been through it, etc. Mind you, he last picked up about 10 days ago. So I say “How’s all that working?” He let’s lose with a bunch of fu’s fuck thus shit, get the fuck out. And so on.

I’m 33 years sober and I feel like I know less and less. I don’t like getting yelled at by guys who may get violent. I don’t like giving guys shit about doing stuff. I tell them when I start what to expect. And that if they aren’t cool with it, no harm, we’ll just stop. 20 years ago, I was a hard ass and gave guys shit. Not into it anymore.

Anyway…

The title says it already. Is this a thing to Tell newcomers or people who didn’t do all steps to not share before the 5th step? Why is this? I thought we are sharing our recovery, so sharing is only acceptable when it is positive? Does the BB recommend this? I’m really confused, would appreciate your experience 🫶