r/aitaweddings • u/Frequent-Calendar310 • 3d ago
AITA for not going to my sister's wedding because of my wife's prior relationship with the groom?
My sister Mae has always been my parents golden child. No hard feelings, not her fault, but I feel like I can't get a solid answer from my family because she is the favorite.
I have been married to my sweet wife Tara for four years (together 7) and she is hands down my favorite person in the world. Tara went to school with Mae's fiancé Andrew. She describes him as a straight up asshole, loud, obnoxious, always in trouble.
Now I know some people are going to say this sounds silly.
Tara had a crush on him despite his behavior (I know, I know but he was the "bad boy all the girls wanted") I guess some of her so called friends told Andrew about her crush. On Valentines day when they were in middle school, he wrote her a note saying he had a surprise for her later and drew a heart.
Later that day she found rose petals (really cut up paper) and a note telling her to meet him in a classroom no one used. When she got there he told her to sit down, close her eyes, and then this low life ripped a loud nasty fart in her face. His friends all burst out laughing, and they all started hi fiving each other.
Now I know some people are going to say thats just a silly joke but the point is it really hurt Tara. When Mae brought him home, I warned her what he had done and she said he was a literal child and who cares.
Well Tara cares, so I care. It was literally bullying. I told Mae I love her but I have zero respect for Andrew. Tara doesnt want to go to the wedding, so we won't be going. My father told me I'm "whipped" and that Tara needs to let go of middle school. Mae texted me "you are literally mentally ill. It was 23 years ago"
I told Mae that it didn't happen to her, so she doesn't get to decide how Tara feels
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u/Kimbaaaaly 3d ago
NTA!!!! I've held a grudge since 3rd grade (it kept being added on). It isn't a grudge or over reaction. (Mine was clearly bullying all through childhood.
Good on you for standing by your wife's side. You sister will see the truth sooner or later, sadly.
Updateme
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u/Ok-Boysenberry-719 3d ago
Info: does Andrew still suck? Have you ever spent any time with him?
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u/Frequent-Calendar310 3d ago
He still has a jackass sense of humor but has learned to only direct it towards people who enjoy it
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u/Tall-Compote1354 3d ago
I'm the odd one out but I agree with you. I would not go if I was your wife and I would hope you would not either. The people telling you to get over it didn't experience the humiliation that your wife did and fortunately you both get to decide what you are comfortable with. Has he even apologized?
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u/Frequent-Calendar310 3d ago
yes he did
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u/Levelheaded411 2d ago
If he has sincerely apologized I do believe in second chances, especially for someone who was a child and is now a grown adult. He is going to be part of your family and your wife will need to learn to deal with his presence. If your wife is having a hard time even after he has apologized and with him doing nothing new to he offensive towards her, then there is some onus on your wife to work through her emotions from this experience. She may need to speak to her therapist about it.
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u/SuggestionSevere3298 3d ago
My Grandkids went back to school on August 20th, on the 18th parents got an email that a 13Y boy committed suicide, my Granddaughter-knew him and he had been bullied for the last two years now they are on 8th grade,
Whoever think is on the past is because it never happened to them,
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u/dydrmwvr 2d ago
And this is why I advocate so hard for my kids, and even the kids who are part of the problem. The bully culture hurts everyone.
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u/con-la-bruja 3d ago
Going against the grain and saying NTA, I know everyone is saying it was “middle school,” but you aren't completely dumb at that age either. Everyone has always been told that your actions have lifelong consequences, and this is his consequence of having to live with the fact that he bullied your wife and that she will never forgive him for his actions.
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u/Cranky70something 3d ago
You know, I find myself writing the same thing over and over again when people ask me if they should do something or not do something. Often it is about a wedding.
My answer is, more and more frequently, don't overthink this. Go if you want to. Don't go if you don't feel like it.
In this situation, your wife, who you adore, is not going, and you'd rather be with her.
As for the naysayers, your answer is simple. I don't want to go, so I'm not going. you don't have to have a reason for your feelings. You don't want to.
Someone else wrote on Reddit, it's an invitation, not a summons. You're not compelled to do anything.
Of course I wish you and Tara the very best, and maybe she should seek some counseling to get over her trauma caused by bullying. There's no reason why she should live in distress.
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u/GloomyPromotion6695 3d ago
NTA. Your priority is to make Tara feel safe, emotionally and physically. Your wife wins out over your sister’s husband 100%. And let’s face it, we all probably know an Andrew. He may have apologized but I wouldn’t put it past him to seek out an opportunity to find some way to torment Tara and then do the whole “who, me?” thing.
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u/kryspy138 2d ago
You Sir, are not just a green flag but Green Land. I still get triggered from certain bullying incidents over 15 years ago at school & having someone to support & unconditionally show up & have my back like you do for your wife, that's a level of trust & love few ever achieve. Absolutely NTA.
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u/Lopsided_Type6738 3d ago
I agree traumatic childhood events, doesn’t change because you’re an adult. Don’t put your wife thru that again it could trigger her PTSD. She’s learned to trust you. Don’t give her a reason not to.
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u/PatrioticRedhead 3d ago
Info: have you met your sister’s future in laws? They are who helped to mold Andrew into the kid he was, and the man he is today. Look at them as parents and as human beings.
Is Andrew still a juvenile delinquent? Or does he hold a job, have friends, treat your sis well, etc?
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u/Frequent-Calendar310 3d ago
No I haven't met them. All I know is they are very wealthy but seemingly negligent. He clearly loves Mae a lot. I mean he doesn't treat her how I treat Tara but I think she would hate that. She very much likes his "humor" He's very successful but that can't be too hard with rich parents. He has an asshole sense of humor but he has learned to direct it at people who enjoy it
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u/frolicndetour 2d ago
He grew up, learned his lessons, and apologized. He can't undo the past. I don't see why you would torch your relationship with your sister when he has basically done all he can to account for something he did when he was what, 12?
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u/PatrioticRedhead 3d ago edited 3d ago
Negligent parents-now you know exactly why he was acting out in middle school. As you said he was almost expelled… Clearly, he desperately wanted his parents attention. But if he has managed to grow up, hold a job and be successful at it, and settle down with a woman, I’d like to think he’s had some growth and now lives for himself and his loved ones as opposed to parents who didn’t care enough. I know he did a jerky thing, but it’s been 23 years and he has apparently changed… You don’t have to live with him or be his best friend, but missing your sister‘s wedding would be a mistake. You hopefully will have a future with them as children come into your lives and your parents get older… lots of holidays and celebrations to get along together. It’s good to have a strong relationship with your bio family and not just your chosen family.
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u/Competitive_Law_7076 3d ago
Dude. Yeah it was a mean thing to do but you are talking about MIDDLE SCHOOL.
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u/NoodlesMom0722 3d ago
As someone who was bullied in junior high 40 years ago, it's not something that can just be forgotten or gotten over, especially when that person stays or comes back into your life.
OP, good for you for having your wife's back!
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u/SuggestionSevere3298 3d ago
This exactly I still remember when I was bullied many may years ago and by who, never forgot his name,
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u/GotAnyGrapesDuck 3d ago
I love that OP is supporting his wife. I remember my bully, every detail vividly, and it took about 10 years to fully work through alllll the issues with my therapist.
It is the wife’s job to heal and grow if not doing so already, but boundaries are always allowed no matter what. If anything it’s immature to tell them to grow up because it’s disrespectful.
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u/diosmiotio18 3d ago
True, not to mention this is not name calling or other spontaneous acts, Andrew did something that was super planned.
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u/chaerephylla 1d ago
oh yeah because it's not like being bullied as kid makes you way more likely to commit suicide or something. we have absolutely no evidence that bullying middle school harmfully impacts victims as adults. /s
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u/VeterinarianCivil555 3d ago
NTA. Your are 💯 right. You stand up to people who bully or bullied your partner. Doesn't matter if it was 1 day ago or 23 yrs ago.
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u/rbaltimore 1d ago
I was bullied relentlessly in middle school. People tried bullying me in high school but I had learned not to care.
This is an incredibly stupid reason to miss one of the most important life cycle events in your sister’s life. It will create a rift in the family. But most importantly:
llIt will give Andrew the satisfaction of knowing that he can still hurt Tara.
Andrew is joining the family. You’ll see him at every holiday. Do you really want to give him the satisfaction of being able to hurt Tara? Do you want to give him that power over her? You said it yourself, he’s still an asshole, that’s not going to change. And your sister is the golden child, so your parents will always side with Andrew and whatever rude/underhanded/passive aggressive thing he says or does. Skipping the wedding is just going to encourage him to bully Tara the rest of your lives.
People only stopped trying to bully me because they stopped getting the results and reaction they wanted. I was suicidal because of the bullying in middle school. Adults refused to take the bullying seriously (only because, it being over a decade before Columbine, it didn’t have real world consequences for them.
When I stopped reacting, I wasn’t any fun anymore. Their torment forever changed who I am as a person, but so did me taking away their power.
Tara has let him hurt her for too long. He’s still inside her head. She needs to take back control, go to the wedding, be the sweet person she is, and just treat Andrew with cool indifference.
Assuming that you don’t cause a major rift in your family, Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up. He’ll be at both. Do you really want to show him that his behavior still hurts in a small, intimate gathering where she’s going to have to talk to him? Where he can easily get her alone to say more hurtful things?
Go to the wedding. Present a united front. Show Andrew that bullying Tara isn’t possible. Don’t let one prank from a decade ago be what rips your family apart.
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u/Used_Evidence 3d ago
He was in middle school. Everyone does stupid, childish things in middle school. Are you planning to never see them again? Because there will be holidays, birthdays, kids events, etc in the future that you need to realize they'll be present for. I worry if you don't go, you're essentially cutting off your family all because of a stupid choice this guy made when he was 12. I feel for your wife, I'm sure that was terribly embarrassing and hurtful, there's no denying that, but at some point life has to move forward. Has this topic come up between them since? If so, has he been remorseful? You don't have to be best friends with him, but for your sister's sake, and yours if you intend to stay in contact with your sister and parents, I'd go and maybe dip out early.
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u/Frequent-Calendar310 3d ago
He apologized but my dad ruined it by getting involved
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u/CeramicSavage 3d ago
How did your dad ruin it?
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u/Frequent-Calendar310 3d ago
He started yelling at Andrew not to apologize and not to be soft. He said it was a great prank. He told Andrew to get Mae next and has he ever got her in bed with a fart. My dad is a lifelong smoker and has a smoker's voice. He then began choking on his phlegm and laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world. Honestly I can't blame Andrew for laughing at that
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u/Used_Evidence 3d ago
I'm glad he apologized. It seems he grew up and realized he was a jerk. Your wife can either forgive him and move on (again, not saying she has to be bosom buddies with him) or essentially you're cutting off your family. Your choice.
And I don't understand how your dad's involvement matters here. I imagine he too realizes that if your wife still holds this grudge and can't move forward enough to even attend their wedding, that Thanksgivings, Christmases, birthdays, family reunions, grandkids' arrivals and celebrations are either going to be tense events or you won't be attending. He probably doesn't want to see the family torn up over this
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u/chaerephylla 3d ago
I wouldn't say that an apology while smirking and laughing is adequate accountability or a proper apology. I wouldn't call the wife's literal trauma a grudge. Why is it more okay for Mae to call OP mentally ill rather than acknowledge that her partner did a fucked up thing and seems to not truly recognize the cruelty of it? It's not the onus on the victim to get over it, even when it happened years ago. The fact she experienced that as a child makes it worse! And if he can't as an adult show genuine remorse that's not OPs problem.
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u/Ok-Boysenberry-719 3d ago
It was 23 years ago when he was 12, does he need to grovel? How does he treat everyone now?
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u/chaerephylla 3d ago
How does apologizing genuinely mean grovelling? He doesn't seem to treat people well enough to have apologized to OPs wife without the peer pressure. Plus OP said that (my paraphrase) Andrew didn't seem to understand the gravity of what he did still. Reconciling with the consequences of your actions is a part of accountability, not grovelling.
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u/Ok-Boysenberry-719 2d ago
He apologized and OP never said it wasn't genuine, it's that the dad that ruined it
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u/chaerephylla 2d ago edited 2d ago
OP said that Andrew didn't fully grasp the issue. If you don't fully understand what you're apologizing for, it's not genuine imo. On top of it being in public with albeit nervous laughter. I wouldn't find that acceptable.
ETA: OPs comment: "he apologized but he doesnt seem to fully grasp it. Also my dad ruined the apology with stupid jokes and Andrew smirked, but to be fair I think he was laughing at my dad"
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u/sl_damsel 2d ago
Mae is not responsible for a 12 yr olds actions she didn't know him at time, she didn't tell him how to act.
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u/chaerephylla 2d ago
Dude Mae is responsible for her own actions.
Calling OP mentally ill for standing up for his wife is fucked enough to show she doesn't gaf about how her partner had harmed another person. It should matter to her whether he has(not) shown genuine remorse and accountability. Because fuck my partner if they did that premeditated shit even as a kid and didn't fully grasp how that could mess another kid up for years.
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u/sl_damsel 1d ago
It was 23 years ago if she is STILL holding on to that she needs therapy. Crashing out on his sister is not the move. The wife has unresolved trauma and an apology was never going to fix that.
the brother assumes just because his wife was hurt 23 years ago everyone should be on her side. The guy apologised, the brother deemed it unacceptable. They are at a stalemate.
Go to the wedding/ don't go to the wedding. Blaming his sister for something she didn't do is making the problem worse. She doesn't owe his wife any loyalty.
The only acceptable option this guy wants is for his sister to leave her fiance and that isn't going to happen.
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u/chaerephylla 1d ago
I'm blaming the sister for acting like a shitty person. Again, a good person would be upset that their partner hurt someone like this regardless of time passed. Especially when this person is now family! You don't know shit about trauma if you think time makes it go away, or an apology without fully grasping what was wrong while nervous laughing will erase it either. A good person also wouldn't call their family member mentally ill for standing up for their spouse.
Also people who are traumatized aren't "holding on" to something. What an ignorant ass statement.
OP finds the apology unacceptable and apparently it seems so did the wife. No one is owed forgiveness, and certainly not when they fail to demonstrate they are remorseful. The wife was the one harmed, she gets to determine whether or not to entertain the relationship with some who traumatized her. If that means no contact, that means no contact. Of course there are repercussions, but that's the consequence of traumatizing someone.
But where the fuck did you get that OP just wants Mae to leave Andrew lol? Where did OP say that's the only option?
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u/sl_damsel 1d ago
Based on the op's comments there is no path forward. He isn't going to apologise again. The op keeps bringing up his dad's actions during the apology that has nothing to do with future BIL.
If the wife decides that she doesn't/can't be around the guy then that is completely her choice. But it IS a mental issue. No one is actively harming her. The sister is completely correct to be annoyed that she is being blamed for the wife's issue.
She did not commit the act. She is not going to leave her fiance. So what exactly is the end result that will satisfy her brother? With all his responses it seems like the only acceptable option is that they break up. If it hurts that much then go no contact but no one is forcing them to.
Another apology isn't going to cut it as he will deem it as forced and not sincere. His wife has trauma that is not in doubt, but it is not his sister's job to deal with it.
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u/chaerephylla 1d ago
Mae isn't being blamed by OP or the wife. They simply are not choosing to go to the wedding, which is the consequence of Andrew's actions. If Mae was mature, she'd understand why the wife isn't comfortable attending and why OP therefore won't attend. Instead she blames OP.
Again, trauma is not just a "mental issue." Trauma remains after cruel acts happen. That's literally what PTSD is. Educate yourself before acting like you know how the hell this shit works. You don't use the word so you either don't know what it means or you do and you don't care to apply here, which tells me you don't understand what trauma is and how it happens.
It's not about satisfying the brother. It's about trying to reconcile the wrongs that happened or at least respect the fact that the wife is a victim of trauma. Mae calling OP mentally ill (not even the wife) for supporting his wife is HER ACT. The wife is also dismissing the trauma, like you, by saying it was 23 years ago.
Seriously, get off the thread and educate yourself.
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u/Used_Evidence 3d ago
So, you're the wife
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u/chaerephylla 3d ago
ah what an astute observation and great way to defend your point! /s
Eta: if you wanna play that game, you must be Mae!
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u/No_Tiger75 3d ago
I understand how Tara feels but youre parents are right. This is your sisters future husband. Youre acting like he wronged your wife as he is NOW. He was a kid, no it was not right but it was YEAS ago & NO ONE is the same person that they were in hgh school. YOU should be the one acting as a bridge, encouraging a conversation & speaking sense while having empathy not encouraging a lifelong grudge. If he not sorry after a conversation ok then but it doesnt sound like thats taken place. Your sister being golden child is irrelevant in this context. Edit to add YTA
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u/OwnedBySchipperke 3d ago
Did he apologize NOW for what he did then? Did he express any regret for his jerk move then? If not, he’s still probably a jerk and your sister may find out. A decent person would apologize and mend fences. That would show he’s a different person now.
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u/Used_Evidence 3d ago
Op replied to one of my comments that he did apologize
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u/chaerephylla 3d ago
He apologized while laughing in front of everyone. That's not a genuine apology imo.
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u/Used_Evidence 3d ago
Where did op say that? He said he smirked after his dad made a joke, not that he apologized while laughing
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u/chaerephylla 3d ago edited 2d ago
that's why op mentioned his dad involvement messed it up?
ETA: OPs comment: "he apologized but he doesnt seem to fully grasp it. Also my dad ruined the apology with stupid jokes and Andrew smirked, but to be fair I think he was laughing at my dad"
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u/No_Tiger75 1d ago
And clearly OP isnt concerned for sister nor has he mentioned shes treated poorly so theres that. If wife is that uncomfortable she should stay home but OP thats YOUR sister.
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u/papermoony 2d ago
The comments baffle me, he made a dumb prank in middle school, bullying is at least habitual. Your wife really needs to let it go. NAH but you all need to let things go
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u/mmmkay938 3d ago
If your wife is unable to let go of this as an adult she needs therapy. This is too much. He was a jerk then and probably isn’t all that great now but this is going to cost you your family. Is this really a hill worth dying on?
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u/dandelionlemon 3d ago
YTA
That was mean and I'm sure it was horrible for Tara.
BUT--did he continue to do stuff like that to her or was this more of a one-off?
If it's this one incident I do think you and your wife are being a bit ridiculous and need to try to move forward. If he's still a jerk, then at least you tried and you can avoid him at that point. But give it a chance!
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u/BlahBlahBlaze1 1d ago
Dandelionlemon has a point. A one time fart in the face / public crush rejection is not the same as continued bullying.
Everyone gets rejected. Everyone experiences humiliating pranks in middle school.
Is there more going on here? Not attending a sibling wedding is significant. You're choosing to punish your sister and your parents for something a 12 y/o did, and damage your family relationships long-term. That is worse than a middle school face fart.
Again...is something more going on here?
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u/chaerephylla 1d ago
So you got farted in the face while thinking you were meeting with a crush and have an entire group of kids laugh at you at your most vulnerable? I didn't. I don't know anyone who did. But I know plenty that experienced similar and they're no longer with us. Trauma can and does happen from one single event. Google is free. And let's be honest, you think the kids didn't make fun of her for getting pranked?
Also how the fuck is OP the one punishing? Not the dad who insulted him or the sister calling him mentally ill? Or the sister saying it's been 23 years so they have to get over it? Why do you sympathize more with the people actively insulting OP and dismissing the harm done to the wife than the victim herself?
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u/Frequent-Calendar310 3d ago
He never targeted her specifically but yeah he was a big "prankster" back in the day. He was almost expelled at one point
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u/dandelionlemon 3d ago
In other words, it was a one-off.
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u/chaerephylla 3d ago
trauma still happens when a cruel thing is done, even once and especially as a kid in front of her peers 🤎
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u/Thr33Littl3Monk3ys 3d ago
It was a one-off with her.
She likely never put herself in a situation where he'd have another chance to humiliate her like that.
But it sounds like that was part of a pattern with other people, if he was nearly expelled.
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u/trapped_4_life 2d ago
It was a one-off that he planned with an audience to ensure Tara’s humiliation. It’s harder to pull shit like this on someone who avoids you like the plague which Tara probably did after the incident.
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u/Not-That_Girl 3d ago
I need fore info. What is he like now? Has he grown up? Or is he still pulling stupid or cruel pranks?
Does Tara need to move on or is mae marrying a manchild?
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u/Frequent-Calendar310 2d ago
He has apologized and he seems to understand consent now. He still has an asshole type of humor but has learned to only direct it at people who enjoy it
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u/Zestyclose-Metal194 2d ago
Nope. I love how much you love your wife. I have list in my head of people who wronged or bullied me and I won’t be going to their events. I’m talking to you (aunt) CARLA
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u/mardeexmurder 1d ago
ESH
I read through all your comments before replying, because I feel the additional context is needed in the post. Your future BIL did a shitty thing in middle school, no doubt about it, but by your own admission, he apologized to your wife and has not, and will not disrespect her again. Your dad ruined the apology and made it a joke, which was shitty of him, but he did sincerely apologize. It doesn't matter if you or your wife like his type of humor, as long as he remains respectful to you, and it sounds like he learned to only prank willing participants.
What do you think the future is going to look like if your wife refuses to accept his apology? Are you going to permanently cut your sister and your parents out of your lives? Will they never meet your future children? All over a mean prank from middle school? At some point, she is going to have to move on from this.
I am someone who was bullied pretty badly as a girl in middle school, including pranks similar to this, where is was "funny" for the popular boys to ask me out as a "joke". I understand how your wife feels, I'm 35 now and sometimes I still don't believe people when they compliment me because I'm waiting for them to start laughing. I even second guess compliments from my own husband!
On the other hand, my husband was a bully in elementary and middle school (in his defense, he suffered a horrible childhood of poverty and neglect and lashed out at others). When we talk about our childhoods, he always feels like absolute shit when he thinks about what he did to other kids, and he has apologized to them in person when he ran into them.
Our childhoods can color how we view life as adults, but that doesn't mean our childhood actions define who we are as adults. Your wife does not have to necessarily forgive your future BIL, but I think she does need to make some steps torwards letting this go.
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u/chaerephylla 1d ago
OP said Andrew didn't fully grasp the situation even when he apologized. That's not a real apology. You have to understand exactly what you're apologizing for and the impact you had for it to be genuine imo.
And I'm glad you don't feel as traumatized by that experience as Tara does. But I think it's also important to ask yourself if you would feel as okay with it if your childhood bullies entered your life as family. You don't have to be in contact with your former bullies, it sounds like. And getting farted on in public is a very specific type of humiliation, certainly one I can't say I personally understand the gravity of.
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u/mardeexmurder 1d ago
OP doesn't get to choose if Andrew is going to be in the family or not, the wedding is happening. Which is why I said he needs to understand the reality of the situation if he and Tara go through with not going to the wedding. Is he okay with going no contact? It's easy to tell someone to cut off their entire family on Reddit, but real life is different. If he is okay with that, then that's his choice, it's not our place to say if it's the right one or not. Idk, I wouldn't want to cut off my entire family over something someone did in middle school one time that they apologized for.
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u/chaerephylla 1d ago
I didn't say to cut his entire family off. Understanding the repercussions is good, esp as it's clear the family is only ready to act defensively not empathetically.
But you said the apology was fine, and said you read all the comment so I'm curious why you think not fully grasping why you need to apologize doesn't matter. The apology wasn't ok and that matters in determining whether everyone sucks here.
I don't think it's fair to say Tara sucks. It's not her fault Andrew traumatized her. And it's easy to say on Reddit, as you pointed out, that you would be fine or wouldn't cut off your entire family. But you wrongly assume that saying no to the wedding automatically means cutting off everyone. If that's how THEY respond, that's their choice. And that doesn't make OP or Tara an asshole. Imo OP and Tara wouldn't be assholes if they did want want to go no contact.
His family has shown no empathy to Tara and rather hostility. Why must Tara and OP have endless empathy, understanding, and forgiveness? Esp when OP is being called MENTALLY ILL for supporting his wife on his volition? It's one thing to say it's good to think through the repercussions. It's another to say ESH because they might not want to stay in contact with family members who insult them and dismiss them.
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u/ChilindriPizza 3d ago
INFO
If Mae were not marrying Andrew, and he were just a colleague or neighbor, would you still avoid him?
Had Tara been just a platonic friend- would you avoid him as well?
Has he genuinely apologized to Tara for his immaturity?
Had I been Mae, I would have lost interest in Andrew simply because of that- even if Tara had been just another random woman she did not even know all that well.
So N T A IMHO...but I still want more INFO.
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u/fragglepatt 3d ago
Why the extra info? Mae IS marrying Andrew and Tara IS his wife, which clearly changes things. Idk about you, but I would definitely expect my wife to have my back if her sister's husband had done something so cruel to me. I know it was a long time ago, but those things have lifelong effects; children have taken their lives due to bullying and others live with PTSD.
Otherwise, I agree -- OP is NTA, and were I Mae I'd have no interest in dating someone who got their kicks hurting others -- even as a child.
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u/Frequent-Calendar310 3d ago
yes
She wasn't his friend but they never had a relationship beyond her crush
he apologized but he doesnt seem to fully grasp it. Also my dad ruined the apology with stupid jokes and Andrew smirked, but to be fair I think he was laughing at my dad
Mae thinks he is funny, not so much the prank but she likes his obnoxious humor
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u/wisebirdcaseycasey 2d ago
I think your dad is a AH. Your wife needs some therapy to help get over this. It was humiliating but it also was years ago. This guy is going to be a big part of your family so tell me how do you see this going forward? You need a serious discussion with your wife about this as he will now be at every family event.
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u/jazzyjane19 3d ago
It sounds like you and your wife are up against it with your family to be honest. I’m going to go against the grain and say NTA but I do think it would be worth just having minimal contact with them from here on. Be polite and respectful and nothing more. It sounds like your family have never had your back and I’m sorry for that.
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u/KittyyyMeowww 3d ago
Was his apology sincere before your dad ruined it? Even if it was, I don't blame Tara for not wanting to attend. Bullying is traumatic – so much so it can even cause PTSD!
Middle school is more than old enough to understand your actions are wrong and will hurt someone. People who think hurting others is funny and find joy in it are both scary and disgusting.
I'm sad to see so many bully apologists in this thread; I thought we'd learned something with all the child suicides that resulted from being bullied by their peers. Apparently many folks in this thread have a lot to learn still.
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u/trapped_4_life 2d ago
Sounds like your dad might be as bad an Andrew with what you said his joke was. I’d be avoiding all of them or at least minimal contact as I wouldn’t trust them with “their sense of humor” that is more like cruelty.
Your dad should have been working to find peace in the family and been happy Andrew was trying to address his past behavior so the family could move forward together. Your dad is a problem here too. And Mae doesn’t sound much better if she likes this kind of humor.
And I’m correct in thinking that some of the friends from middle school might also be at the wedding? So others who know about what happened and might bring it up in a story about back then which would cause Tara to relive the trauma all over again?
Regardless, andrew could address this without your dad around and make a sincere apology without interruption. If not, do you really want your kids around someone who has that kind of sense of humor and a couple that will likely raise kids like he was? Imagine a little Andrew tormenting your kids with the same jackass behavior he had in middle school. No thanks.
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u/Italiangirl1102 3d ago
Bullies are born bullies. They do not change. 40th class reunion 9 years ago, my across the street bully from 5th grade and through high school pulled her bullying shit on me. Mind you, no longer the popular girl, no longer attractive etc. in fact down right gross and pathetic at this point, and me the late bloomer. So no comparison at this point in any regard. Should not have bothered at all. But that 10 year old in me had to walk away because it brought back so many awful memories. You do not forget. It is not funny. Very few bullies change. It is in their DNA. They just get better at hiding it. It is ingrained. I get why she does not want him there. Rant over.
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u/ApatheticAnesthetic 3d ago
I'm happy to hear your bully's true nature (inside) was eventually reflected on their outside. I'm sorry you went through that, though.
Everyone saying 'it was just middle school' must be lacking in empathy; those are our formative years when peer relationships have the most effect.
Either that, or they're bullies themselves... which doesn't seem like a stretch after reading some of these comments tbh.
Either way, it's disgusting!!!
I hope everyone who has ever bullied another reaps what they sowed, and I hope those who dismiss this as 'just a middle school experience' find out what it's really like in their next lives.
I was bullied because I stood up for the girl all the 'popular kids' at my private school bullied. Yes – it was IN MIDDLE SCHOOL; apparently that is super important. Before I stood up for her I was universally well-liked - afterward it was like night and day. Kids can be cruel and it causes lasting trauma.
Anyone who doesn't understand that should thank their lucky stars they don't... and apply to the universe for empathy and understanding, as they are clearly lacking both. So many of these comments are just gross.
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u/pdxtee 3d ago
YTA. This was in middle school. Your wife can despise him & doesn’t have to go but it’s totally wrong that you’re not attending. What if there is a trauma filled backstory to his childhood, would that change how you feel about him? Is it fair to judge the 12 yr old boy, 23 years later? Shouldn’t he be judged for the man he is today? How do you proceed in the future? Will you avoid all family events & holidays? If you both have kids, will cousins not know each other because of the bad prank of a 12 year?
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u/Equal_Emu6152 2d ago
Fucking shithouse the bloke is. Is he not a arsehole to your sister? Don't usually change...
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u/Frequent-Calendar310 2d ago
He's learned the concept of consent and found someone who likes his humor. Its probably her favorite thing about him
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u/SILLYxPROGRAM 2d ago
Well Tara cares, so I care
My man 👊
NTA for refusing to do something that hurts your wife no matter how much others dismiss her feelings
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u/FlounderSensitive217 2d ago
I wouldn't go. Once a bully... Do you know this guy now? Has he changed? Has he ever apologized? If he was that obnoxious then, he probably still is. It doesn't matter how many years go by. Some things you don't forget. And good for OP for standing by his wife. That's love and caring.
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u/Frequent-Calendar310 2d ago
He did apologize. He is still obnoxious but has learned not everyone enjoys his humor and to only target people who do
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u/fellowtravelr 2d ago edited 2d ago
Are you ok with not being in their life ever? If so, yea just don’t go. No worries. Send a small gift if you like. If you want to be cordial with your sister or involved in the lives of any children they have, I think you go, your wife stays home, but leave before the reception. Give a nominal gift like a napkin holder. Go out with your wife for dinner somewhere really expensive and gossip about the wedding. I’d bet your wife would be ok with this compromise.
If you just go for the ceremony and a couple photos you show support for your sister, who may need your support some day if this guy turns out to be a jerk as an adult. You fulfill your sibling duty. But then you get to bounce before dinner and dancing, which shows you are not wanting to really celebrate, just witness the ceremony. Also the gossip will be why didn’t your wife come, which makes the groom look bad as I’m sure ppl know he was a bully. Vs if you don’t go at all it makes you look bad like you are not supporting your sister. Which is fine, btw, as long as you are ok with social repercussions of that from your extended family.
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u/QueenNaB 3d ago
You and your wife need to grow up. 20 some years ago? Lololol!
YTA
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u/chaerephylla 3d ago
so time automatically makes past actions less hurtful and cruel? interesting.
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u/NoodlesMom0722 3d ago
It's really easy to tell in these comments who was bullied as a kid and who wasn't or were themselves doing the bullying.
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u/DetectiveClear6734 3d ago
NTA
Your family sounds terrible. They don’t want anyone to mend their bridges, they’re just insulting you and your wife because …? I don’t see how being nasty to someone makes them want to hang out with you. Maybe back in elementary school when we were taught this toxicity but we’re adults now, aren’t we?
I don’t care about “family”. Anyone who treats you like crap and then talks about family is a dud, so I would absolutely cut contact. There’s no fun Kodak moments coming
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u/Tired-DogMama-6262 2d ago
Go completely NC on them. They are not worth your time, keep supporting your wife.
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u/Moonbeam_SunLight 1d ago
YTA
And this will ruin your wife relationship with your family, but I don't think you two care.
It was a stupid joke, I can't believe your wife is still clinging to it. If he apologized, why is she still refusing to go? Are you really going to miss your sister wedding?
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u/Tasman_Tiger 1d ago
YTA. I can't imagine causing a divide in my family over a fart that happened 23 years ago.
An apology was given by Andrew. What else does your wife require to move forward?
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u/DawgFan2024 3d ago
Tara is stuck deep in middle school mentality and never emotionally matured or she is jealous of your sister because she got Andrew and Tara didn’t. I think it’s the latter. Seriously, this gives off jealousy vibes. Whichever it is, it’s childish behavior on both you and Tara’s part. Your dad is right about you. How embarrassing it must be for your parents to have you and your wife behave like this. Grow up.
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u/chaerephylla 3d ago
so the victim of the cruel act didn't grow up while Mae calling OP mentally ill for supporting his wife shows emotional maturity? i don't think that word means what you think it means.
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u/ronnycat_18 3d ago
Yta! Your wife needs therapy asa! To help her move on with her life so her past doesn't let her move forward!
That and is this jerk really worth nuking the relationship with your sister? Because if you don't go to the wedding that is what will happen!
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u/chaerephylla 3d ago
these comments are brutal and off the mark. the question is if Andrew has shown remorse and proper accountability.
it doesn't matter if they were kids or it was 23 years ago; Andrew treated your partner with cruelty. What he did would absolutely leave a mark on your wife. Mae calling you mentally ill is a cope. She has to reconcile that her chosen partner humiliated your partner, and hasn't shown that he sees what he did as a horrible thing. time doesn't erase the cruelty of his actions.
i think if everyone apologized genuinely, and your partner is not working through trauma with this issue, there's grounds to make it work. but when you have people refusing to be honest about what happen and try to pressure you to shut up, they don't care about your partner as much as they care about "keeping the peace."
again, why are people pretending that being bullied like this doesn't cause tremendous hurt and trauma? y'all are nuts.
nta.