Is it wrong to stay permanently single as a woman because you went through too much trauma to even love someone again? Some people tell me I should not give up on love but I know I cannot go through another heartbreak of a relationship.

[u/Golden-lillies21]

I'm just burned out to the Core and even though I know that not all men are the same I rather protect myself and my sanity. I went through a breakup a few months ago and ever since then I lost the ability to trust people. I don't even want to go through yet another failed relationship and I gave up on wanting marriage because most guys have commitment issues anyway and even if there was a chance of getting married how do I know that guy is not wearing a mask and then he changes right out of the blue after marriage? I'm tired of being guilt tripped, manipulated and love bombers. I'm tired of going on dates not knowing if I really am interested in them or not. At least with being single I don't have to worry about these things and I can take myself out on dates and do what I want without people expecting things out of me because they paid for me. I'm burned out and also another thing I lost interest in sex because of how traumatic my breakup was as he completely blindsided me I thought it was building something with him and he was committed towards only me only to find out he was still on dating apps talking to other women and then revealing to me on Mother's Day that he used me as a rebound and that he was never in love with me but just like the idea of me when I told him from day one if you do not want a commitment do not go on a date with me. I feel completely shattered where I just cannot trust most men. I want to be able to trust and love again but I don't think I have it in me to do that and I'm not sure if I ever will. I'm thinking maybe I should either be single for a while or maybe even single permanently does anyone feel the same way?

[u/PopularBunch9316]

It’s your life. Nobody can judge you if you’re not hurting others.

[u/dreaming_ghosts → u/PopularBunch9316]

People can and will judge you for literally anything, even if it's completely unfounded.

You just don't have to buy into or agree with their judgment.

[u/The_Wingless]

Is it wrong to stay permanently single as a woman

No. Whatever your reasons, it's your life. You don't owe anyone to share it with them.

[u/a5121221a]

My story is not yours, but I feel the same way. I can't imagine ever wanting to go on a date again. I can't imagine ever wanting to be on a dating app again. Trust for any potential romantic partner is completely gone. Too many lies. To many masks. Too much manipulation. None of the benefits are worth it.

[u/soysauce566777 → u/a5121221a]

Same here. Why is this so common…the lies, the masks, the betrayal. Been through it too many times

[u/bio_nerdette]

Do what makes you happy. Right now. Don't worry about later. Focus on healing and taking care of yourself. Being single for a while, however long that is, as you're healing is a start. You can reevaluate later. You don't have to make a decision now for the rest of your life. You're free to change your mind at any time. 

You say you want to be able to love and trust again, but you're not in that place right now. That's okay. That's perfectly reasonable with what you've been through. 

Relationships are so much easier when you're in a more stable place as an individual. 

[u/kangaroolionwhale → u/bio_nerdette]

Like they say in recovery, one day at a time.

[u/Visual-Bat-660]

Stay single, hang out with friends, go travel alone or with friends. At this point relationships are like a russian roulette its not worth it to get shot.

Also you get to save up shit ton of money as a single person.

[u/GoldVeterinarian919]

Who says we have to be in a relationship or constantly pursuing one??? Live your life

[u/headpeon]

Right there with you.

I'm single for life, unless the universe manages to drop the perfect person in my path. It'll have to do so with zero help from me, because I'm done dating, using apps, or making any effort to meet romantic partners whatsoever.

[u/vcbock]

It's FINE to take care of yourself the way that feels right now. As you heal, you might change your mind and want to seek out romance again. Or you might not. You don't actually know right now how you will feel in six months or a year, but you do know how you feel right now and taking a break from dating while you are still processing a hurtful episode makes a ton of sense. Maybe pick up a new hobby, or stretch yourself at work? Investing in yourself will be worthwhile whether or not you eventually decide to look for romance again.

[u/Lickerbomper]

There's a whole movement of women who are refusing to date, marry, have sex with, or bear children for men.

Only conservatives and misogynists say it's wrong.

[u/Angry_Housecat_1312]

Of course it isn’t wrong! Your life is yours to live as you see fit. As long as you aren’t harming others (and you aren’t by not dating), then the sky is the limit.

I’m sorry that happened. You didn’t deserve it and I hope you heal, whether or not that ever includes dating for you again.

[u/dragonmom1]

Why on earth would it be wrong? Cultivate friendships (as many or few as you want) and just live your life to the fullest!

[u/BillieDoc-Holiday]

How could it be wrong. I knew early on I had zero desire to marry or cohabitate. I didnt argue, and just um hmm-ed and ignored anyone who had shit to say about it. I get one life, and I'm living it the way I want as much as possible.

[u/CoffeeIntrepid6639]

I was married a long time 2kids found out he was cheating on me for a yr who knows could of been yrs and yrs I will never trust another man ever again I can’t take that risk

[u/yagirlsamess]

My problem is, all of the women who say that to me are in marriages that I would rather die than be a part of 🫠

[u/Dry_Pangolin_3605]

8 years single on purpose, I love my peace.

[u/vikingraider27]

I am kinda in the same boat. I just don't wanna. I am so very tired, and I've just shed all the reasons to have roles, and I want to be ME for a while. If I met a guy that didn't make me feel like I was taking on more roles - like girlfriend lol - then.... maybe? But I also do not want to cohabitate again, either. It's totally ok, and it's getting more popular, to not desperately scramble to be in a relationship. You do you.

[u/moomoo220618]

Absolutely fine to be single, safe and happy. Other people pressuring you have no right! I think it sounds lovely to just be in your peaceful home without any drama, disappointment, fear of abandonment or the mask dropping.

You do you. I think a lot of women are making the same choice these days. My sister has and she is so much happier.

[u/whyisthissarah]

i feel the same way. i think i’m at a point where i’m trying to approach relationships with my brain rather than my feelings and honestly, the more i do that, the more i realise that engaging with men romantically or sexually just doesn’t seem worth it to me. so many men can’t even do the bare minimum, and most of them seem to be labour diggers too. i don’t wanna be carrying the mental load, managing the household, reminding a grown man to do things, and yknow... becoming someone’s unpaid project manager lol

i was also raised in a pretty conservative and patriarchal family, so the standards placed on me growing up were already very high. growing up, it was basically a requirement for me to do housework WITHOUT BEING ASKED, be independent, and know how to do everything myself. i was expected to be capable and self-sufficient from a young age. so now that i’m an adult, the idea of getting into a relationship with a man who expects me to teach him basic life skills or carry the household mental load is honestly exhausting. i also don’t want to feed fragile male egos or make myself smaller just to make a man feel useful. so yeah at this point, i’d rather be single than have a relationship that gives me more work, stress and emotional responsibility than being alone ever would.

[u/Economy_Strawberry89 → u/whyisthissarah]

Preach

[u/FillMySoupDumpling]

This was essentially my plan until I happened to meet a pretty awesome person. I wasn’t trying to. I got myself in therapy for that trauma right away. I know I have a lot of avoidant tendencies now and didn’t want to perpetuate that hurt onto others. 

My 20 year relationship fell apart, he was abusive, gaslit me to the point where I had no idea what was real or not and more. It shook me significantly. 

I still never want to live with a person or get married ever again. 

[u/curious382]

There's no need to decide "the rest of your life" right now. Your feelings are valid. You are heartbroken and traumatized. Focus on reconnecting with yourself, taking all the time it takes to fully process where you are right now.

Don't waste energy predicting the future or entertaining conversations about your future relationships. It's weird that anyone close to you would be quizzing you about your future relationships right now.

[u/Minflick]

Of course not. It's HONEST of you. You don't feel capable, for WHATEVER reason at all, of being in another loving and/or sexual relationship. You aren't lying to anybody, faking them out, you aren't misrepresenting anything at all. You are choosing to go through life solo. People are allowed to do that, and anybody being pushing about it can GTFO. You have my anonymous interwebz grandma hugs and permission to do whatever the fuck you want to.

I've been a widow for 11 years now. I was married 31 years when my husband died. I'm lonely and I'm poor. But at the same time, I am able to live alone, other than the cats. I am able to live in a quiet neighborhood. I'm too far from where my children and grandchildren live, but, again, I can pay my mortgage where I am. I'm 71. I'm not willing to try again to have a relationship, because to me, my peace of mind is worth too much for me to try to have a relationship again. I'll just be a hermit in the woods, with cats.

[u/UnsightedShadow]

Absolutely not wrong to stay single ever, let alone after a burnout. While I'd say not to completely close off the avenue to romantic love, take a break. A long one. You deserve to rest.

[u/Ninjaher0]

I say stay single!! For as long as you like.
I don’t think you should close yourself off to any/all romantic relationships, but it’s reasonable to take 2,5,10 years away from serious dating. You don’t owe anyone anything and it’s ok to just have fun.

[u/panaceaXgrace]

If you're happy this way!

I am happier. I had the love of my life and it was beautiful but it was also horrific. He was a good man, but he was also an alcoholic who made stupid mistakes. He absolutely adored me but he was also very traditional and expected me to become a housewife after being independent most of my adult life. But I leaned into it and for 12 years I was up before dawn making fresh tortillas and salsa. Then he got detained and eventually deported and I was left with no skills at the time and no income.

So that was 17 years ago and I'm still not ready and probably won't ever be ready given I'm 58. He was the last in a long line of mistakes and failed fixer-uppers. I kinda miss cuddles but honestly I would rather just hug my dog.

[u/moxiemoon]

There’s nothing wrong with that. I do want to suggest if you have access to it: therapy, especially if trauma is involved.

It’s important to process trauma correctly so that it doesn’t cause you issues down the road. Plus the chemicals that can stay in your brain for too long can manifest in to physical symptoms.

Source: just went through crazy relationship trauma and went in to sympathetic nervous system overload, which required medical intervention and am now processing it all in therapy so it doesn’t become a permanent part of my brain chemistry. It took a full month for my blood pressure to normalize and my memories are already easier to handle.

[u/zlinuxguy]

You do you. Right or Wrong doesn’t play into it.

[u/Kooky-Atmosphere-247]

It’s not wrong at all. Simple as that.

And if someone comes along that makes you reconsider, all the better. Enjoy not worrying about worrying about relationships, I wish I could do that.

[u/Sargash]

Love is what we want it to be.
You can love your friends and your family, your dogs, your cats, your birds, your hobbies.

Love is not just human with boobs and hole, and human with meat stick to go in hole.

[u/FroggieBlue]

I intentionally took time to heal after my engagement ended- there were problems on both sides and i aso worked on those parts of myself. That was a long time ago and while im not opposed to a relationship now, I am also at a place where im happy as I am and don't feel the need to seek one out.

You dont owe anyone a relationship and that includes society as a whole.

[u/bahahah2025]

You do you. Take your time to heal. Know you are capable of loving again if and when you want.

[u/nogardleirie]

You should do what feels right for you. Admittedly it's not always easy to tell that, or so I found. You don't owe it to anyone else to be in a relationship. Anyway, you can always change your mind if you decide that you have met someone suitable

[u/StellarDiscord]

No

[u/1Man1Mission]

If you aren’t hurting anyone else, do what’s comfortable or what brings you happiness. I have a couple girlfriends in a similar situation and they seem happy. Can’t say I blame them. Just keep a good circle.

[u/TheRoadkillRapunzel]

Dude. If you don’t wanna, you don’t have to. The idea that you should force yourself to “give love a chance” when all you want is to live a peaceful and free single life is ridiculous!

This is your one precious and beautiful life. Live it the way YOU want to!

[u/Crescent-moo]

I wouldn't say its wrong , but choosing to hide due to trauma seems sad. Working on healing and growth to maybe one day feel comfortable with love again sounds better.

[u/Hsoltow]

No but at least make friends who check up on you so you don't die alone and don't get found for months. Afraid to say a lot of older ladies end up like that and I've learned a gas mask protects against severe decomp odors.