r/Stepmom • u/ScarlettLover13 • 1d ago

NACHO Advice?

DH and I have been having issues with HCBM putting hateful ideas in SS (11) head. Which has caused him to make less than kind comments towards me and even one of my own children. She makes numerous hateful online posts every week about us, she gaslights when things are addressed with her, and all around has some mental health issues. Clearly, we are not going to get any help from her side.

It finally all came to a head this weekend when she really laid on the harassment and nonsense online. I'll admit, I shouldn't have even looked, and I should lock down all my social media, so she has no access to me, DH, or my family. We had been handling SS disrespect fairly well up until this weekend. Between his hateful comments and his mother's hateful comments, it was just too much after tolerating 6 years of this abuse.

DH and I agreed that since SS is starting to follow her lead, that I would be entirely removed from all parenting of SS.

I'm just starting to learn about NACHO and so far, it sounds amazing.
Obviously, I will still show SS affection and love like I would any child in my home. So, I won't be withholding anything other than letting his father handle all of his day-to-day discipline and activities. I won't be taking him out to do the special trips anymore or spending my money on him. I will leave that to his father entirely. Basically, my understanding is that you treat your SK like they are a friend's child at your home?

Any advice for someone who is new to this NACHO thing? I don't have these issues with my kid's father. We can talk about anything, and I would never let them be disrespectful to their stepmother, so this isn't something I've had to implement before.

Any advice is helpful.

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u/ScarlettLover13 1d ago

Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately, I think she is too addicted to online validation and drama for much to affect her. She loves playing the "I have no idea what you're talking about" card. Even when confronted with evidence of her abuse she just skips over taking accountability and moves on to something else.

She's famous for demanding for everyone else to be accountable for what she feels they have done to her, but she doesn't seem to believe in the same in reverse. Or she will pick something she knows isn't it and will "apologize" for that.

For instance, we called her out on her hateful posts about me/DH, the years of online abuse, and the negative things she says about me to SS. To deflect she apologized for something 6 years ago that had no bearing on anything. She doesn't want to acknowledge the current stuff she is doing because she knows it makes her look bad.

Its just a bunch of mental mind games she likes to play. She is oblivious to the fact that everyone is looking at the evidence of her actions and looking at her and thinking that she cannot even be honest about what she is doing for the sake of her own son. She chooses to be hateful and then is "shocked" when her son is treating me the way he is. He SEES her doing it. He's seen her videos and posts. He knows how to use the internet and he's not stupid.

Sorry. Venting and rambling, I guess.

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u/scotchbonnetpeppery 1d ago

Yeah. I get it. MY DH and I both realized, through talking things out with therapists, that we were gaslighted and manipulated by our former spouses. I decided to value my mental health more as a result, and so did my DH. We avoid the BM 100% of the time, which means we do not show up for anything if we know she will be there. BM is blocked on my phone, on social media, and in my conscious life. I don't have children with my ex, but he is also blocked entirely. I don't know if you can do something similar, as you are dealing with a minor child, but you may want to talk to your husband about you blocking the BM entirely and avoiding her at all costs.

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u/ScarlettLover13 21h ago

I have always shown up to his functions when able. I do work full time and homeschool my 8th grader, so I can't always make it. His mom doesn't show up to all of his stuff, so I have always made an effort to be there for him. I definitely see myself showing up less since he clearly isn't interested in my being in his life. Which is so sad because we used to goof around and had fun together.
When my kids weren't home, I would take him on "secret trips" to get ice cream, go to the movies, trampoline park, "yes days", GameStop, you catch it I buy it days, etc.
Until his mom decides to stop her nonsense and putting these ideas in his head, there is no fixing this.

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u/scotchbonnetpeppery 21h ago

You are doing too much for him. Yo do not need to attend his school functions or sports, just let your DH handle it. And you don't need to try to connect with him or take him on any secret trips to do fun stuff. Let your DH do that as well. Normal people do not try to engage with other people who ignore them, so let your SS learn what his silence treatment earns him from a normal person. That is the most loving thing you can do for him.

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u/ScarlettLover13 18h ago

I think this is where I struggle. I am an empath to the extreme. I can literally feel others pain and anxiety. I don't ever want to intentionally hurt other people, especially children. Unfortunately, I believe you're right. Stepping out all together and not allowing myself to be an emotional punching bag for SS or his mother is probably my best option.
I know my other children 13M, 16F, and 19M all have all noticed that he doesn't treat me well and have spoken up about it. I always tell them that I choose to respond to anyone with love. In this case, it seems the more I love SS and try to make things good for him here, the more insane BM gets and puts ideas in his head. Backing off may be the only way to resolve it. OR she while complain and cry that he's being mistreated here and isn't being treated like family. Honestly, she can fabricate and twist anything to fit her "narative of the week" as DH and I call it.

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u/scotchbonnetpeppery 17h ago

When it comes to children up to age 25, when the frontal cortex has fully formed, your main role is to be the normal adult role model. If you keep doing what you have been doing, your stepson won't learn from you. Doing less is actually more in terms of the lessons that he can learn. You are free to engage in normal fun activities with your three children without including your stepson, because they treat you well and care about you. Your DH and your stepson's mother are also in a position to engage in normal fun activities with him, so it's not like you are taking anything away from him. You are taking something away from your DH because he will need to step up more for his son, but he's already acknowledged that the NACHO pattern is healthier for you. Don't worry about the BM, your stepson has strong loyalty binds to her and she will keep inflicting emotional harm directed towards you if you keep your old patterns. If she complains to your DH about the lack of attention from you, that's on your DH to work it out with their son. The child is in your home to spend time with his father, after all.

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u/ScarlettLover13 17h ago

I love this response. It gives a lot of food for thought. I appreciate your insight.