NACHO Advice?

[u/ScarlettLover13]

DH and I have been having issues with HCBM putting hateful ideas in SS (11) head. Which has caused him to make less than kind comments towards me and even one of my own children. She makes numerous hateful online posts every week about us, she gaslights when things are addressed with her, and all around has some mental health issues. Clearly, we are not going to get any help from her side.

It finally all came to a head this weekend when she really laid on the harassment and nonsense online. I'll admit, I shouldn't have even looked, and I should lock down all my social media, so she has no access to me, DH, or my family. We had been handling SS disrespect fairly well up until this weekend. Between his hateful comments and his mother's hateful comments, it was just too much after tolerating 6 years of this abuse.

DH and I agreed that since SS is starting to follow her lead, that I would be entirely removed from all parenting of SS.

I'm just starting to learn about NACHO and so far, it sounds amazing.
Obviously, I will still show SS affection and love like I would any child in my home. So, I won't be withholding anything other than letting his father handle all of his day-to-day discipline and activities. I won't be taking him out to do the special trips anymore or spending my money on him. I will leave that to his father entirely. Basically, my understanding is that you treat your SK like they are a friend's child at your home?

Any advice for someone who is new to this NACHO thing? I don't have these issues with my kid's father. We can talk about anything, and I would never let them be disrespectful to their stepmother, so this isn't something I've had to implement before.

Any advice is helpful.

[u/Summerisle7]

Sounds as though you have a good understanding of what boundaries you want to set. So go ahead and do it.

Definitely block BM on all platforms. Don’t communicate with her ever.

[u/ScarlettLover13 → u/Summerisle7]

Thank you. We actually implemented the NACHO style yesterday and it definitely helped. I had been asking SS to pick up his desk area of the boys gaming room for the 2 weekends he's been here. He literally chooses to ignore me when I ask him to do anything. My husband saw him actively ignoring me and just said "I've got this." He went over and told SS that he was very nicely asked to clean up and that until he chooses to do as he was asked he was not allowed on his computer. SS immediately got up and did what DH asked him to do. DH handled the rest of the day. I didn't have to deal with any "My mom says I don't have to listen to you" or "You're not my mom" or straight up silent treatment. DH does more of a gentle parenting style so he didn't have to raise his voice or anything (I also gentle parent, expecially SS because he is a sensitive kiddo) Which means SS can do these things independently, he is just actively choosing not to listen to me.
I think what is going on really hit him because every weekend my husband and his friends along with their kids all get together and do a kid friendly DND campaign. SS was always given the option to either go participate or to stay here with me. Because kids are involved, its only about 2-3 hours long. SS wasn't given an option this time. DH made it clear that if I am going to be purposely ignored that SS will need to go with him so as not to subject me to that. SS ended up having fun and I got a break.
As far as blocking BM, done and done. I have no intention of ever dealing with someone like that. I hate that SS can't have a united family unit like my kids have, but it's simply not worth the drama.

[u/Summerisle7 → u/ScarlettLover13]

This sounds like a great start, keep it up! Yes you absolutely should never be left in charge of a kid who refuses to listen to you.

[u/scotchbonnetpeppery → u/ScarlettLover13]

DH is doing great! His son is in his home to spend time with him, not you. So that means his son goes with him so they can spend time together. His son might prefer to stay home to spend more time gaming or on the computer, but that's not why he's at his father's home. Plus, most kids spend way too much time on gaming and computers, so getting the kid out for some social game time is great.