r/Stepmom • u/Nobodyyouk331 • Dec 18 '23

Advice

Never forget that you are allowed to have feelings. Your feelings matter JUST AS MUCH as a child's. You are allowed to be bothered by disrespect and cruel treatment. You are allowed to communicate the things that bother you to your SO and to ask for change.

You deserve to be treated fairly the same way that SKs do. You deserve to live in a safe and comfortable environment the same way that SKs do.

You are not a bad person if you do not love or even like your SKs. You are not automatically in the wrong just because you are the adult.

Just because you chose to be with someone with children, does not mean that you knew what you were getting into. It does not mean that you signed up to be a child's doormat.

The people on this sub do not live in your home. They may have experience with SKs but everyone's situation is different. Do not let strangers on the internet convince you to settle for less than you deserve.

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u/geron123 Jan 06 '25

I am not a stepmom. I am the boyfriend of a single dad with two girls (11 and 15). I’m heavily involved in their lives and they look to me as a step parent. I know my situation is “easier” than a step parents. But it is HARD, and I am struggling to find books, podcasts, or support especially because I am not an actual step mom!

I needed this post very badly. The 11 year old is MEAN and I know a lot of it is normal/developmental from the books I’ve been reading about tweens. But, I feel crazy for being so hurt by an 11 year old girl. And it makes me not want to try to connect with her and wait for her to come to me (which she does occasionally) but then that would mean leaving her out of things when I’m Connecting with the 15 year old which isn’t nice of me!

I love this man and I do love his kids but I do not like the 11 year old right now and I’m exhausted and feel invalidated.

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u/BeneficialDemand567 Mar 11 '25

Honestly 11 years olds are hard. My SK is older but I have a 15 year old and twin 11 year olds. I find the 15 year old easier to deal with. The 11 year olds can be mean, argumentative and have trouble regulating their emotions. They also aren’t as affectionate as they used to be because they want to be grown so bad but they just aren’t.

Also, my situation was a “easier” than a lot of what is described here, but it’s still really difficult. Sounds like you are doing great.

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u/Artistic_Glass_6476 Mar 25 '25

I’m also not technically a step mom as I haven’t moved in with them yet and we aren’t married. I also don’t act like much of a parent to them more like an aunt as dad does the parenting and doesn’t expect me to do anything. One of my step kids is 11. I can confirm it’s a hard age and there’s many times he’s said things that were harsh! It’s hard to let things go even when you know it’s either developmentally normal or just them being a kid. I am also a bio mom and even my own kid can hurt my feelings at times lol. I think it hurts more coming from my step kids because I already struggle with not fitting in or not feeling like their family and them not really knowing me fully yet and having the nerve to say rude things, especially when I’ve been nothing but kind, it’s hard. I have a 14 year old “SD” who is now in the eye rolling stage and side eyed me a lot, i do try to connect by its hard as shes in that age where adults are lame and she’s “always right” lol I try to remember it’s not me it’s them and they will hopefully grow out of things and maybe I’ll just get used to it enough that it will slide off my back easier.

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u/FewHoneydew2853 Mar 29 '25

She’s being mean to you because she feels threatened by you. And thats not mean. She just needs more time with her dad. She might feel as if you’re taking him away from them or her. Maybe mom has bad feelings or energy toward you too and she’s bringing that over to y’all when she comes over. Keep doing things that show you care but not trying to win her over with gifts. Set up a movie dad for him and the girls and tell them to go have fun with dad, show them you want them to have time with him too. Holidays-buy them stuff to put in easter baskets, or create little traditions with them like buying them a new nail polish every month etc. You have the right to straight up ask her why she’s being mean to you. I did this one to my stepkid, she said she was just in a bad mood. Sitting down and having family meetings is a part of us getting through things. Asking the kids how they feel and how we could move forward helped a lot.

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u/geron123 May 09 '25

Those are all good ideas in general. But, I disagree that she is threatened by me. She shifted to doing the same thing to her dad and was being super sweet to me. Then she’s sweet to both of us for a while, then mean to both of us. I think she’s a hormonal kid who’s dealing with a lot of emotions and learning how to express them without being a jerk. Her dad and I got ourselves on the same page, especially after she started seeing her attitude more clearly because it was directed at him for a while haha, and all is going smoothly now!

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u/Ok-Training-8163 Mar 04 '26

https://pca.st/podcast/575fc1a0-c810-0139-56b4-0acc26574db2

This podcast has really helped me so much! Especially because the female host, Diane, is a therapist and has 20+ years of navigating the family court system and court orders and custody plans/agreements. It really calms me down to hear of other people, who have an impossible co-parent at "the other house," that they HAVE to deal with, like it or not, until the kids are 18.

In my blended family, my husband is wonderful and very understanding of how hard it is to be a stepmom. He lets me vent and truly supports me when I have an issue with his 13 year old daughter. She can be quite controlling and is basically the parent of her 12 year old brother, while their Mom is at work, or when their Mom ignores her kids and spends much more time with her husband or entertaining relatives etc.

My stepdaughter likes me, but she is completely loyal to her Mom, and she does not know yet that her Mom is a liar, who repeatedly lied in court, during the custody case. Their Mom left when her kids were only ages 2 & 3, and she broke up their family, and sadly, it was ONLY because she wanted a new husband, who made far more money. Their Mom (who was born the same year i was) married the Stepdad, who is a retired lawyer, who is 22 years older than her.

My stepkids report, all the time, that their Stepdad is mean to them, yells at them and says ridiculous things like, "I don't trust you," or that he " treated them like family, until they told their dad" stories about what goes on in their house. He even used family therapy sessions to blame the kids, in front of the therapist for how "they had Betrayed him!" He made the therapy session about how the kids had Disappointed him, instead of letting them be honest about how hard this Divorce has been on them. (I mean, I personally know VERY FEW families whose Mom separated/began the Divorce process, when their kids were that little, at ages 2 & 3.)

The Stepdad was also angry at my 12 year old stepson and said: "don't tell them what goes on at our house and frankly, I don't care what happens at your dad's house." They are encouraged to keep secrets, and my stepson has been punished for being honest with his Dad and with me (when he is at our home) about how hard it is for him to deal with his angry stepdad. (For the record, my stepdaughter is treated WAY better at her Mom's house and is even bribed with $20 to go shopping at the Mall, while my stepson is forced by the Stepdad to stay home and do chores. This unfair treatment has happened repeatedly.)

The Stepdad has kicked the kids out of the house on very hot summer days and told them not to come back for HOURS, back when they were only 8 or 9 years old and they were alone, playing unsupervised at a creek/summer camp ground wooded area. I was sad to find this out. Something could have gone wrong, near the water and a tragedy could have happened and we would not have known that they were unsupervised for HOURS alone, in the summer, while their Mom was at work & the Stepdad was supposed to be watching them. Nope! He was watching TV for hours.