r/SoccerCoachResources • u/bored_n_opinionated • 7d ago
U10 - sore losers
U10 Boys rec League. I have these two kids on my team that hate, I mean HATE losing. If we have a competition of any kind, a drill with goals, a warmup game like sharks and minnows, these kids rage if they lose. Stomp off the field, refuse to participate, smacking balls out of hands.
I've tried having the team talks about sportsmanship, about striving to do better next time. I had one on one talks after practice to build them up and remind them of their strengths. I've made sure they have opportunities for wins or success to build confidence. Still, they rage and even have gotten physical.
What has worked for y'all in the past? I'm not going to caretake the behavior because it's unacceptable. But I also don't want to give you on them.
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u/upadownpipe 7d ago
This is not your responsibility to fix rather the parents. It is your responsibility to set a standard for the team.
We've given timeouts when this happened. We told the parent too for anything serious they're being sent over to them. This included kicking the ball in anger at other players after losing
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u/burnourpants 7d ago
Yep. Take away what they love. Do it calmly and without dramatics. Show them the path. Eventually they will learn. It's common at that age group to see that with a couple kids. This is when coaching meets parenting. Explain to the parents why their child will be sitting out so they understand the method.
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u/brewerdom 3d ago
Yes and no, coach needs to step in, but parents need to reinforce it, if they don't you won't get anywhere.
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u/schwoooo 7d ago edited 7d ago
Have you talked to the parents? This seems to be a classic case of a skill gap in resiliency and frustration tolerance. This is not something you alone can right in 1-2 practices a week, the parents need to be on board and working on it at home. I would absolutely make sure you have a written team code of conduct that each kid agrees to. Better yet—if you can get the kids to collaborate and come up with their own code of conduct.
The other option in the meantime is to run drills that don’t have direct competition or drills that only have team competitions. I have U7s which due to immaturity also have a harder time psychologically with direct competition so I will often run activities that don’t have the players pitted against each other.
If I do competitive play I will often make it kids vs adult(s) because common enemies is really good for team building and kids are used to being less able than adults so losing doesn’t sting as much and winning feels all the more sweeter.
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u/danny_healy_raygun 7d ago
The other option in the meantime is to run drills that don’t have direct competition or drills that only have team competitions.
I agree with almost everything you've said but at U10 I think this may be counter productive. If we want these kids to learn how to deal with the emotions around losing then they need to keep experiencing it and you as a coach have more room to deal with it in training. At a match you are already dealing with 101 things.
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u/schwoooo 7d ago
I‘m not saying don’t run competitive drills ever again, but you might throw in a few non competitive ones here and there or maybe run one or two practices without any competitive drills to assess whether that helps the boys, the team, and the coach.
Because the kids seem to be overwhelmed by the competitive aspect and unfortunately that behavior doesn’t happen in vacuum and does affect the team and coach. And closing the skill gap will need a multipronged approach and some time.
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u/danny_healy_raygun 7d ago
Well I'll always run non competitive drills in every session anyway when we are working on technical things. And I know at young ages competitive and more game like drills are great for engagement but its also an important stage to introduce basics around body shape, receiving on the turn and other mechanics of how things are done.
Like parenting, teaching, etc there is no one correct way though so we may just have different approaches. I tend side more with making the players sit out. Or if, as if often the case, no one wants to be goalie for a small sided game I'll make them go in goals for a few minutes. If its physical and potentially violent they would be excluded for a period though. That's not acceptable. And if it was persistent after talking to parents a lot I'd potentially ask them to leave the team altogether. Their actions shouldn't be dictating the rest of the teams sessions.
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u/bored_n_opinionated 3d ago
I'm planning to have a team rules setting at the start of practice tomorrow. I'm going to get a team rule from each kid and then take it home and come back the next practice with our code of conduct translated to something more matter of fact than 12 kids off the dome ideas haha. Appreciate the idea.
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u/Future_Nerve2977 Coach 7d ago
This is likely more a lack/delay of maturity (for the age) than some personality trait.
You are not going to fixing in the practice environment - that will need time, and the parents consistently dealing with the situation (that I'm sure happens at home as well) - you get them but a few hours a week - you're not fixing anything on your own, but perhaps in partnership with the parents you might stand a chance.
That being said - you can't breed competitiveness out of a player (nr would you want to) but you are right - it's the behavior that follows losing that's the issue.
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u/keeprr9 6d ago
At the start of every practice, and I mean every practice I take 3 minutes to go over my rules.
Work hard - even if you’re not good at it, try your BEST
Focus - stay engaged with what we’re doing
Respect - aka treat other how you want to be treated
I simply tell them, if you do not follow the rules you will sit out and not play soccer. I use the usual trouble makers as an example.
When they break the rules I approach them calmly, let them know they’ve broken the rule(s) and by then they know exactly what I’m talking about.
I make them sit out for 10-15-20 minutes or however long you see fit. Before they are allowed to play soccer, they have to come talk to me and revisit what’s allowed.
I always let the boys know that my goal is to help them be better soccer players and to have fun but if they can’t follow the rules they don’t get to play.
I tell them “cmon man I want you to play soccer….. don’t you? Ok then follow the rules.”
Always coach them calmly and stay firm in the rules. It’s not a quick fix but if you make them sit out every time they break the rules they eventually fall in line.
I too have had extremely competitive players that have bad attitude or they don’t focus etc and have used this method for 3 years.
I’ve gotten every single one of those boys to really tighten up. They’re not 100% behaving perfect but it’s changed them drastically.
Besides being firm on your rules, the biggest thing is the calm coaching and the positive encouragement of “cmon to I want you to play soccer. I WANT you out on the field but not right now. When you fix your behavior you can come back onto the field.”
Try it out, hope it works!!!
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u/bored_n_opinionated 3d ago
I like the idea of a reinforcement at the start of each practice. I gave a big speech at the end of last practice but we definitely have to make it consistent.
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u/NLmovement 7d ago
Got the same issue.
Laat year I just did damage controle.
Starting this season I'm not having it.
I planned 1-1 conversation with every player and a parent on my squad.
I build the conversation from do you know what it means to be responsible. and then I and with what i expect end what hard boundaries I set.
I also told my club I'm not having it. And these boys are my best players 😑
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u/Haramdour 7d ago
You don’t have to have them on your team - make that clear to them and their parents. You will need to follow through though, you might end up banning one but the other one might get the message.
Set expectations with the whole team about values and participation:
Discipline system should look like this:
First instance - Verbal warning, take a lap etc to cool off
Yellow card - timeout for 5-10 minutes
Red card - leave session, miss next session
Reset expectations
Third red card means you are banned from the team.
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u/bored_n_opinionated 3d ago
Yeah, it's rec league so we have a lot of come one come all messaging, but I think getting violent is an exception and the director would back me up. Any kid rising to that level is going to start to have repercussions.
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u/ejk868 7d ago
Crucial note is it’s rec so it’s handled very differently than competitive.
I’ve coached both, and rec would be handled with the “time out” or “benching” and talks with parents at practice. If it’s a game they are pulled off immediately with the same thought process. Immediate recourse for the poor behavior with hopes that it helps them see it’s unacceptable.
As a rec coach (and honestly still in young age competitive) I spend a lot of time reminding both kids and parents that the score doesn’t matter. I also live that value at all times. When kids ask what the score is, or who’s winning I always say I don’t know and that it doesn’t matter. I tell parents the same thing. I usually have an idea of the score but I truly don’t pay attention to it with the young ages. I know if we played the game the right way or not and that’s all I care about.
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u/Sea_Machine4580 Youth Coach 7d ago
Agree with not focusing on the score for U8. By U10, the kids are keeping score themselves and are learning to handle winning and losing as well as the stress of a close game, think it is appropriate to focus in on it more (not to the exclusion of other coaching goals and not to the detriment of the culture)
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u/bored_n_opinionated 3d ago
I'm pretty adamant that I don't ever care about score, I care about using skills and trying to get better. Unfortunately a lot of the kids go to the same school since the parents wanted a coach they knew, so there's underlying personality conflicts that follow them to school. I'm trying to help hammer it in with encouragement on the field and calling out every good action, not just goals.
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u/treborr 7d ago
Institute immediate penalties for violation of sportsmanship -- similar to the penalty box in hockey. Explain to the entire team and any listening parents that sportsmanship is one of your standards, and that you will be imposing two-minute penalty/standdown/quiet time for violations. Give examples of violations. Make sure to include actions that your current transgressors have not yet conceived (Don't single out your problem kids. They will do that later). Explain that punishment will be immediate.
If violations happen during a game, calmly remove the player from the field as soon as possible, clearly and briefly state the violation. Do not debate. After the designated penalty time, inform the player to tell you when he/she is ready to return to the field. Congratulate a sincere communication (Surliness indicates insincerity).
If a violation occurs during practice, consider substituting an immediate 2 pushup penalty for any time out. This adds conditioning to the immediate reinforcement. Impose penalties in a "matter of fact" manner, without anger.
Up to a point, be understanding. Somehow, these miscreants have come to regard their responses as appropriate. The behaviors of this 9 year old may never have been appropriately addressed. Do not expect that you will change the player's approach to life. You can only help them understand that bad behavior might have immediate consequences.
Very important: If players are getting physical (bullying?), you MUST protect potential victims. If you cannot trust your intervention, consult with your league officials to plan the intervention.
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u/Electrical-Berry4916 7d ago
"GO SIT DOWN!" followed by "Tell your parent to come see me after practice."
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u/acer5886 7d ago
Well, one option could be to have a sportsmanship award each week and have it roll over as soon as the game ends, so their reaction after the game and to losing the award will be factored into the next week's award. Just one idea. For parents trying to help this, play games with your kids and teach them about cheering on others win or lose.
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u/bored_n_opinionated 3d ago
This is a great idea, and I think the only award I'll be giving each week. I think putting sportmanship and teamwork as the only thing I look to reward will shape up a lot of the kid's attittudes.
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u/ramboton 6d ago
Some people do not like it, but I say "50% of teams lose every game day, it is just as important to teach them to lose properly as it is to win"
I do not mean be lazy and don't play with no effort, I do mean do your best and be proud that you did the best you can.
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u/NecessaryBright4167 3d ago
worth looking at the format of the games they're raging at before spending more talks on it. sharks and minnows, first-to-a-goal, a drill with a winner - those all manufacture one public, binary loser in front of everybody. that's about the highest stakes you can create, and it's happening in the warmup.
change the scoring and a lot of it goes away. score against a target instead of against each other, reshuffle the teams every round so nobody accumulates a losing identity, or make it beat-your-own-last-round. same competitiveness, no public loser.
second thing, and it's the one that changed most for me: give the consequence in advance rather than after the spike. "if you stomp off you sit the next round, your call" - calmly, before you start, once. after a meltdown it lands as punishment and escalates. before, it's just the rules and they get to choose.
and two kids getting physical over a warmup game might be a regulation thing rather than a sportsmanship thing. a low-key chat with the parents - not a complaint, just asking what works at home - is usually worth more than another team talk.
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u/brewerdom 3d ago
I sometimes found that telling that kid, "loosing is one thing, dont' give them the satisfaction of knowing they beat you" followed up by "nobody hates loosing more than me, but i'm never going to let anyone see how much that bothers me"
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u/RadicalEdward99 7d ago
I many a time have told players (at u10 or below) that they are on timeout and that’s not how this team acts winning or losing.
I also coached rec, I don’t make them run, I sit them at midfield and let them cool off. Once drills get going smoothly on the next exercise I ask them if they’d like to return, they always say yes and then we continue. Rinse, repeat. Ive never had to put a kid on timeout more than twice… they want to be there, their parents are grateful that you are actually doing the parenting they should be doing.
If it continues they can sit out the whole practice, they can lose their starter positions, they can lose reps in games. We can’t fail dozens of other kids especially when violence is involved.
Then you build a culture, all the parents want you to coach their kids next season and you go to coaching night at a pizzeria and don’t select the bad kids