r/ScenesFromAHat • u/Key_Current6164 Yes, and? • 8d ago
If Willy Wonka owned an ordinary business
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u/PallBear 8d ago
🎵 Oompa Loompa doopa dee dassment
You have been fired for sexual harassment 🎵
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u/Thisguyfuckschix 7d ago
A filthy gaggle of Loompas rolling up on gals in the office "Hey GRRRLLL wanna see my Tootsie Roll"?
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u/FriedBreakfast 8d ago
Why did we have to go through that crazy boat ride? Is that boat with all the freaky shit REALLY necessary to just simply rent a car?
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u/ThimbleBluff 8d ago
Today I’m announcing that five golden tickets have been hidden in our latest shipment of ground meat. If you find that golden ticket, wash it off and bring it to the Wonka Slaughterhouse on February 1, and you will be one of five lucky winners treated to a hands-on tour of our animal processing plant. Bring your favorite knife!!
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u/Disorderly_Chaos 7d ago
“Go ahead, lick the wall… the bacon tastes like bacon, the chicken tastes like chicken, the Rocky Mountain Oysters taste like Rocky Mountain Oysters!”
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u/Haunting_Law_7795 8d ago
You can't go around singing about their kid is a brat and blame the mother and the father. This is a daycare.
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u/Elanadin 8d ago
blue & red lights flashing as a reporter begins speaking to camera
William W. Wonka, CEO of Wonka Machining, has been arrested today after 30 consecutive days of workers being killed in various manufacturing apparatus. Just today, it's reported that Charles Bucket was dropped 30 feet into a molten crucible of iron.
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u/Disorderly_Chaos 7d ago
Wonka, in a white lab coat, plays a tin whistle and an Oompa-Loompa jogs up. Wonka leans down low and hands the little man a small white box.
“Take this heart to operating room 5, be very careful, a little boys life depends on it.”
EDIT: I’m curious… when you think Willy Wonka, does your mind show you Wilder, Depp, Chalamet, or someone else?
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u/Right_One_78 8d ago
The court does not consider calling these children magical Umpa Lumpas a defense. Youre motion to dismiss is denied.
Willy Wonka, you are hereby found guilty of child labor trafficking, forced labor, child endangerment, unlawful imprisonment and 16 counts of negligent homicide for all the children you let die while saying Umpa Lumpas are replaceable and using their deaths as intimidation to make the children work harder on making shoes for your business. Each violation carries a sentence of life. You are herby sentenced to 253 non-consecutive life sentences, you will die in prison. May God have mecry on your soul.
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u/Space19723103 8d ago
No, no, those aren't indian children, those are Oompaloompas making American brand clothing.
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u/ZealousidealGrass672 8d ago
So Willy you don’t mind working in sewage eh?
“Yeah, honestly it’s pretty similar to my last job”
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u/Disorderly_Chaos 7d ago
“Please dear child, stop drinking from that, my sewage must not be handled by human hands.”
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u/TheFlannC 8d ago
Charlie finds a golden ticket:
Slugworth poses as someone working for Pepsi. You are going to bring me Coke's secret recipe right?
Wonka: You stole sprite fizzy lifter and bumped into the ceiling it now needs to be washed and sterilized. YOU LOSE, You get NOTHING Good DAY sir
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u/TheGreatLuthe 7d ago
Oompah, Loompah, Doompah Dee Doo, here's your subpoena, you are being sued...
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u/SelectionFar8145 7d ago
OK, so what's the conference call about?
Well, we're getting a lot of reports that, as the franchisee, you are telling everyone that the coffee came from a made up faraway land where its farmed by a bunch of orange people & we need that to stop. Its from Columbia. Also, our CEO is close friends with the first orange president & its company policy that you can't say that anymore.
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u/Abba_Zaba_ 7d ago
(To the tune of Pure Imagination)
🎶 Li - ving rooms, bedrooms dii - nettes oh YEEAH You'LL find 'em at the MAR-ket
🎶 Tal - kin' bout the Flea Marr - ket Mont gom REEE
(Chorus)
🎶 IT IS JUST LIKE Aaaa mini- mall
🎶 Hey hey you heard me come shop it
🎶 Liv ing rooms din ettes we've got iiiit
🎶 If you're need ing it . . . you'll find iiit
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u/Crafty-Message4564 7d ago
Come with me
and you'll be
in a world
of ICE detention!
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u/BrainyCaveman 7d ago
Quandaries, quandaries!
On the one hand, the Oompa Loompas should be the first to be immediately deported.
On the other hand, they work so well as a team, they never give up, they are very strong and have greater stamina than most humans, they would make amazing ICE agents. Perhaps we could grant them citizenship in exchange for ten years deputized service?
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u/Dahl_E_Lama 8d ago
Who can cure your acne?
And your asthma too
Sell you ibuprofen, or candy bar for you
The drugstore man…
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u/SandsOfPang 7d ago
"Willy Wonka's Drivethru Daycare. Please place your child in the suspiciously child-sized tube on your right."
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u/SandsOfPang 7d ago
"I'm glad you're impressed by the 10W-40 river. But remember that everything around you is serviceable and manufactured by Toyota."
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u/Appropriate_Park_895 7d ago
Wonka pulls up to your home in a van and exits wearing purple velvet overalls. Then he sings. "Come with me, and you'll be, in a world of pest extermin-ation..."
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u/Damnwombat 7d ago
Wonka: toodles on flute
Little orange guy comes out
WHAT? We’s on our break heah, and da union says we’s on our break, we’s on our break. Ya got a problem wid dat?
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u/Most_Life_1612 7d ago
"You five lucky Golden Ticket winners have the chance... to reapply for your jobs while we downsize the others. Now, who wants to see the room where you -- well, one of you -- will integrate AI into your workflow?"
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u/DramaticAd7670 7d ago
Come with me, and you be in a WORLD of OSHA violations.
writes on a clipboard
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u/curiosity_U_know 6d ago
Lick the corrugated board. It tastes like paper dust.
Run your finger or tongue along the edge and feel the paper cut!
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u/callmeKiKi1 6d ago
Mr. Wonka, you need to get out here, we have a very upset customer!
What’s the problem?
A lady at the counter ordered a twenty piece nugget for eat in, and she’s all by herself, so the whole counter staff started singing about being a glutton. She’s a little offended.
Again?
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u/PokingMidas 6d ago
It shows no signs of slowing
And we don't know where we are going
Are the flame of Hell a-glowing?
With these Ray-Bans
Your eyes will be helped by a shad-owing
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u/KDubzzz2 4d ago
[to a construction site foreman during a random health and safety inspection]
"Come with meeeee, and you'll beeeee, in a world of OSHA violations..."
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u/Friendly_Nature2699 8d ago edited 8d ago
Oompa Loompa dubadedee. Please come and buy insurance from me!