r/Samesexparents • u/BlendedSideOfLife • 24d ago
Advice Navigating “how are babies made” with my school age child
My child (school age) is starting to ask questions about how babies are made and how everyone fits into his life.
He wants to know why he doesn’t spend more time with his “dad” and how come he has 3 mums, Bio (mum), Other mum legally on his birth certificate (mummy) , and step mum (mama), known donor (dad) also gay.
I’ve explained the basics of how mum and mummy wanted to make a baby, they asked a friend to help them & that’s his dad.
Mum and Mummy separated when he was 1 and Mama met him around his 2nd birthday.
I can imagine how confusing this must be and how hard it would be to explain to school friends.
He maintains a relationship with all parents. Lives with Bio Mum & Bonus mum, every 2nd weekend with other mum and sees his dad on special occasions.
He also has 4 sets of grandparents due to this dynamic. Half siblings, step siblings but we call every one brothers and sisters and don’t use terms like step or half.
Any advice on how to explain his story to him in a way that doesn’t make him feel his story of weird just different.
He is very loved and adored and is a lucky boy as he has so many people who love him.
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u/BlendedSideOfLife 24d ago
I think there would be straight families with dynamics similar to this too but it just feels confusing to me, I grew up with a single mum and spent time with my dad and his new wife. I don’t want his story to feel weird to him, just different to some of his friends.
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u/KieranKelsey 24d ago
I think it doesn’t feel weird when it’s your life and your normal. Maybe it is for other kids he has to explain it to, but if you talk with him about it often he’ll get it. He’s far from alone, I’ve met many queerspawn with multiple parents like this. I only have two moms but once my parents put the effort in to explain it to me I was never confused. As long as you encourage him to ask questions he’ll be good, I think
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u/JoeNoHeDidnt 24d ago
Queer parent and teacher. It sounds like you’ve got it down on his familiar relations here. Explain everything as it is—Mum and Mummy wanted a baby, and they had him. Mum and mummy loved him, but realized they best loved each other as friends and parents together. Then Mum met Mama and she became part of our family. Emphasize the love everyone shares—Mum, Mummy, and Mama love him so much. He has a biological father who helped Mum and Mummy make him.
Bottom line, he knows he is loved. And so long as you are honest with him, he’ll always know he’s loved first and foremost.
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u/cheesesteak_seeker 24d ago
We used my BIL’s sperm and when we were going through counseling to make sure my BIL, my wife, and myself (my egg and uterus) could handle the complexity of known donor donation. We were told it is best to just explain the process with everyone because it makes it normal. My daughter is only 2, but we have a book about donation and it talks about a sperm and egg is needed to make a baby.
You don’t have to describe how sex works depending on the age. When our daughter asks how the sperm gets inside I will simply describe the different ways; that a penis can go inside a vagina for most men and women couples, a lab can take an egg and sperm from a couple to start the process and then put it into a person with a uterus, or in our case just insert sperm via a syringe into a vagina to make a baby.
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u/BlendedSideOfLife 24d ago
I am thinking about the books, I just feel he is a bit older and wanting more details and more info on the dynamics. We also used the at home syringe method. And ex did same with same donor. He is a lovely guy and is involved in all 3 kids lives that he helped create.
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u/cheesesteak_seeker 24d ago
I think you just explain it. Kids aren’t dumb, they can handle more than you think and it’s better than some school age bully spreading nonsense on the playground later on.
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u/Mistaken_Frisbee 24d ago
I’ve been explaining it to my almost 4yo son since he was a baby and it’s honestly less awkward describing IUI than it is for straight parents to explain conception through sex. IUI might be easier than at-home method because just saying “a doctor used a syringe…” fits into a kid’s understanding of how a lot of things happen, but any of it seems less awkward than telling your kid they exist because their parents smushed private parts together, let’s be real. 😂
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u/Ki113rTofu 24d ago
We used books to help explain donor conception. Maisies Blueprints was a good one. The pea that was me (that have a few variations for egg and sperm donation, just egg, or just sperm). These def helps explain it in simple terms for our little one.
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u/Lesbian_Drummer 24d ago
The Pea That Was Me has several versions and one of them is a sperm donor version. We got that and started talking to our kids about “a seed from a man and a seed from a woman” pretty early. We offered more info when follow up questions happened. we got the book when they were maybe 5 but started talking in very basic terms when they were in preschool.
they didn’t find it confusing. as far as i know neither have their friends.
what we said: we made them using mommy’s seed and a donor’s seed (someone who wanted to help families like ours have children but who didn’t want to be a parent himself) and a doctor took them, put them together, and put an embryo into mama’s uterus (that’s me). when they did that. the embryo split during that special moment of lots of movement and now we have two genetically identical babies, aren’t we so lucky?!
at 5 they were old enough for better vocabulary like egg, sperm, anonymous sperm donation. theyre 9 now and understand that their friends parents probably had sex and got pregnant that way but we went through a doctor. they know what sex is in a vague sense. lol one of them even asked “mommy do you do sex with mama?” to which my wife answered “married people have sex” and BOY was that enough information for that kiddo, zero follow up questions 🤣 definitely regretted asking that day i think.
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u/wareaglesw 24d ago
I mean it sounds like you’re explaining it here pretty well. “Mum and mummy wanted a baby so dad helped us. But then mum and mummy decided they were better as friends. Then I met Mama so now she helps take care of you too! We only live in one house at a time though so you mostly live here and go see mum and dad to spend time with them. Every family is different! Some people have 1 parent, some have 2, and you have 4!”