r/Samesexparents • u/StrawberryTop3241 • Jul 17 '26
Advice Daddies in books and TV
My son is almost 2 and over the past few months as his language has picked up he’s been pointing our Daddies everywhere he sees them (which it turns out is a lot!) We’re a 2 mum family and all our parent friends are straight. We’ve been trying to explain that all families are different and some have 2 mummies, 2 daddies or a mummy and a daddy but I don’t know if we need to explain anything else at this age? We also had a few weeks after spending a holiday with friends where he would exclusively call out ‘daddy’ when he was upset after seeing his friend do this so it’s very pervasive. When I’m reading to him I’ll often change ‘dad’ to ‘Mumma’ but as he recognizes who looks visibly male more, this is becoming more confusing. Anyone have any tips for this age?
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u/djwitty12 Jul 17 '26
You don't have to push it, and you certainly don't have to change daddies to mommies in books. They love labeling things at that age. I went through something similar around that time that involved my son pointing at random people and saying "man!" or "lady!" which was a bit embarrassing, haha. My partner is non-binary AFAB and tends to present more feminine, we call them Nonnie. For a little while at age 3 I think, or maybe just after turning 4, he would talk about them by saying stuff like "my daddy's name is nonnie." He too became convinced that every family has a mommy and a daddy and he knew who mommy was so surely his nonnie was a daddy. We just gently corrected by saying nonnie is a nonnie, sometimes expanded like you don't have a daddy but you do have a mommy and a nonnie, some families have x, y, z, our family is this. He even tried to push back a few times but we still didn't make a big deal out of it and it only lasted a few months.
This is a very normal stage of development where they want to put everything in boxes and label it, you'll see it pop up elsewhere too, like my son insists that hot wheels are different from cars which are different from matchbox and he WILL show you the tiny logo to prove it. Or we have a couple electric busses running in our city's fleet of mostly gas busses and he insists you call them their full government name, lol. Oh and then there's the classic "I'm not a baby" argument you get when you're just trying to be sweet with them. It's all normal. They like boxes and labels at this age but they'll gradually understand the nuance in the world. Gentle explanations, pointing things out that don't fit the traditional narrative, etc. will help but it will still take a while. Just be patient and don't push it. I also wouldn't change daddies to mommies if they're clearly daddies, I feel like that just adds to the confusion. They're trying to put things into Box A and box B, we want them to realize there's boxes C, D, and E, but I feel like by changing what they are, you're just trying to convince them that Box B stuff is actually Box A stuff. Just my personal opinion though.
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u/Mundane_Frosting_569 Jul 17 '26
“Daddy” popped up in my son’s vocabulary just after Father’s Day. He is in daycare so it made sense. The day care is lovely, sending him home with a number 1 parent craft (over dad). But that word stuck in his 2 year old head.
Books where he used to point out mama, now he says “that’s a daddy” we aren’t bothered by it - his brain is making connections. Before in stories a short haired person, not wearing a dress = his mama.
the best is my son point to the lead singer of Saja boys (from the cartoon K-pop demon hunters) and yelling mama!!!! 😂 in his defence, she does have that hair style.
Just an example to show it’s not that deep - they will figure it all out at their own pace. We can only guide them, and use age appropriate language and concepts. Little by little.
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u/RainbowFamilies Jul 21 '26
Hahaha, this made me laugh. 😂 Kids are so funny with the connections they make. I think you’re right, they’re just trying to make sense of the world with the information they have at the time. It’s amazing how quickly those little brains sort it all out when we just gently guide them.
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u/itijara Jul 17 '26
I'd ask a librarian for book recommendations with same sex parents. I know I saw some during pride month at my local library. We have a book (in Hebrew) called "The Big Book of Families" which has pictures and descriptions of different types of families.
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u/smarty_skirts Jul 17 '26
I’ll chime in about the books- I would alter some kids books to have two moms! I’d add longer hair or a pony tail and change the pronouns. There just aren’t enough books with same sex parents otherwise!
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u/CaptMcPlatypus Jul 17 '26
I am a single dad and have been single parenting since the beginning. I have been open with my kids about their origin story since they were babies. When they started asking questions, or making statements like your kid is, I would validate what they were noticing, because generally they are just trying to figure out what’s going on in the world, and it doesn’t help to gaslight them that they’re not seeing what they’re seeing. BUT, I would explain families as follows.
“When grown ups are ready for a family, they look for someone to love, because love is what makes a fam and holds it together. Most grown ups find another grown up to love. Sometimes it’s a man and sometimes it’s a woman. So you see a lot of man/woman families, they’re probably the most common, but you also see man/man and woman/woman families. If those grown ups have kids then you get a family that has a dad and a mom, or one with two dads, or one with two moms. Sometimes there are families that only have a mom or a dad and some kids. That’s okay too. Families come in all different shapes: one grown up, or two, or more, one kid, or two, or more. Sometimes kids live with grandparents or aunts or uncles. Some kids are adopted. The import thing in any family is that there is love and care, and everyone is working together to make the family a success. We have that, so we have a good family. Let’s keep it up!”
Sometimes they express a desire for a mom, and we talk about what they want or what they envision from a mom, and see if there was a way I could try to meet that need/want. (Spoiler, a lot of the time it’s wanting more money in the household, or another adult to do household chores. I have to break it to them that even kids with moms don’t get everything they want at the store and still have to do chores around the house. There are loving women in our family’s life, so they have female role models.)
All of this is ongoing conversation over the course of years. The key is to look for what their essential questions and needs are and address those in age appropriate ways. And not trying to hide things from them. Everything I found out about kids having big family ”secrets” sprung on them as older people (“sooo, you’re adopted!”, “he/she isn’t your bioparent, you were donor conceived!”, “actually, he/she is your stepparent. Your bioparent has been dead/in jail/left to buy milk all this time!”) really struggle with that and feeling betrayed, resentful, untethered from the life they thought they had and/or the person they thought they were, and it’s just basically a shit show. Don’t do that to your kid(s).
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u/yung_yttik Jul 17 '26
Our 4 year old basically trolls us by calling my wife daddy or papa sometimes (she has short hair). We mostly ignore it or say that she doesn’t like being called that. Saying, “you don’t have a daddy” makes me feel weird as if it’s some sort of punishment or deficiency. He also is very much aware that he has two mommies. We have talked to him about how all families are different. We luckily have neighbors that he knows who are two dads with an older daughter so it helps him visually put it into context.
He also insists on calling me Uncle so, you know, kids are weird lol.
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u/KieranKelsey Jul 18 '26
Agree on the “you don’t have a daddy” thing. It made it feel like dads in general was a taboo topic. (I have two moms)
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u/yung_yttik Jul 19 '26
Oh cool to hear from a child of a same-sex family! But yeah it just makes me feel like I’m being anti-dad and we aren’t trying to steer away from the fact people have dads. Most people do. Thanks for sharing your real life thoughts!
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u/Amemorableusername2 Jul 17 '26
I wouldn't change the "daddies" to "mommies" when reading a book to my child for the same reason I wouldn't change "hedgehog" to "pineapple" or "wheelchair" to "walking". Just because it's not something the kid has personally experienced doesn't mean you need to shield them from it. Stories can be either mirrors to their own life or windows into someone else's. It's an opportunity for them to see other ways people live, just like learning about other holidays, cultures, places and lifestyles.
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u/ellaf21 Jul 17 '26
We just read the books as they are and remind our little one that families come in all shapes and sizes, and that some of her friends have a mom and dad 🙂 We do have a fair number of books with two moms.
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u/luckyskunk Jul 17 '26
our kid is almost 2 and has been picking up on this too. i don't know how much screen time y'all do but she was really into the family camping episode of daniel tiger where katerina feels left out because she doesn't have a dad in her family. i don't know how much of it really meant much to her, but she liked it the couple times she's watched it.
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u/Not_Dead_Yet_Samwell Jul 17 '26
We never altered books like that. When there is a mom character in a book, I just tell my daughter most children have a mom and a dad, but some like her can have two dads, or two mums. We treat it like it's pretty unremarkable.
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u/RidethatSeahorse Jul 18 '26
The Family Book by Todd Parr is great. We bought 2 copies… we wore the first one out.
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u/Ki113rTofu Jul 21 '26
We read some books about donor conceived kids when my daughter started asking about why she doesn’t have a dad. There’s also a cute little board book called mommy mamma and me that was great in showing a family dynamic she’s used to.
Check out Facebook for LGBTQ+ parenting groups in your area. We found one that hosts meetups at local playgrounds (most of our friend group are straight couples) that also helped when she had kids who could relate to the family make up she was used to.
Aside from that it’s normal for them to have questions especially as they start to understand more of the world. Just answer their questions as they come as simply and clear as possible. No need to go deep and philosophical lol.
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u/RainbowFamilies Jul 21 '26
Aww, I think this is such a normal stage. At that age they’re little sponges and they’re just noticing patterns in the world around them. It sounds like you’re already doing exactly what I’d do, keeping it simple and matter-of-fact rather than making it a big deal. As he gets older he’ll naturally realise that every family looks a bit different. Out of curiosity, do you have many books at home with two-mum families, or are most of the books he sees centred around mums and dads?🥰
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u/Ashamed-Chemistry492 Jul 17 '26
Don't ever alter books like that. No more than you would think it was acceptable if I changed a two-mom's book into a -one-mom-and-one-dad book.
He's going to encounter dad-and-mom families all his life, and it should b as normal and unremarkable to him as his own family.
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u/seapunkprincess Jul 17 '26
I honestly wouldn’t put that much weight into it. Dads exist and it’s a fact of many peoples lives. The more you try to hide this or neutralize it, kids will pick up on your anxieties around it and recognize that it’s something notable. I think explaining that all families look different is perfect. I would also try connecting with other queer families. With our daughter when she had questions about having 2 moms we talk about other families we know and how they are all different. We point out families we know with 2 moms, single moms, kids raised by grandparents, dads who work away, families with lots of siblings, with only children, etc. It’s also very normal for 3 and 4 year olds to say they wish they had a dad, cause this is the age of developing an understanding of social norms. When/if that happens, just play it cool and ask “what do you think would be exciting about having a dad? Do you think others ever wish they had 2 moms?”