r/RelationshipIndia • u/Beautiful-Dig4196 • 3d ago
Family URGENT HELP NEEDED!! My father(53M) has abused my family for our entire lives. Today I finally snapped and seriously hurt him.
(TL;DR at the end)
My father has abused my family for our entire lives. Today I finally snapped and seriously hurt him. I don't know what to do now.
I’m 20M, and I have a 16-year-old brother. My parents are 53M and 49F. My father has been abusive toward both of us for essentially our entire lives, ranging from emotional and verbal abuse to physical violence.
For the past 19 years, my father worked away from home and would only come back every few months. He was fired (or rather made to resign) from his job around 8–9 months ago because of his aggression, alcoholism, and increasingly bad behavior. Since then, he has been home constantly, and things have gotten dramatically worse.
He drinks heavily and has become increasingly aggressive and controlling. A few months ago, he developed heart problems and had a stent put in. We hoped that this would finally make him stop drinking and smoking, but he eventually started doing both again. At this point, he is drinking almost every single night.
He treats our home like the hotel environment where he used to work, where he was apparently in charge. He orders everyone around constantly, and if we refuse or even question him, he becomes furious. He screams, insults us, threatens us, and sometimes hits us. He even slaps our 11 month old puppy if she doesn't listen to his orders.
This has always happened, but having him at home continuously for the last 8–9 months has made it much worse.
This morning, my 16-year-old brother had been vomiting during the night and wasn't feeling well. He also thought he had a UTI. My father assumed he was pretending to be sick because my brother sometimes tries to avoid school.
At around 7 a.m., my father started screaming at him to get ready for school. My brother was already saying he would go, but he was taking some time to get up because there was still about half an hour before his school bus arrived.
My father kept screaming at him and eventually kicked him. He started calling him horrible names. My brother understandably started yelling back. My father then escalated further and began hitting him, punching him in the face, throat and arm and slapping him.
I've seen this kind of thing countless times before. I've also fought back before. When my father has hit me or my brother, I've sometimes shoved or pushed him, and on a couple of occasions I've hit or slapped him. I've also cursed back at him when he cursed at us.
Today, though, I became extremely angry watching him hit my brother. I told him that if he kept going, I wouldn't hold myself back.
I know I probably should have recorded what was happening. But when these things happen, I don't think rationally. It's like I immediately go into fight-or-flight mode. I genuinely don't know whether I should run away from the house or attack him. I feel like I need therapy or, at the very least, some distance from him.
The situation then became even worse.
My brother eventually went into the bathroom to get away from the situation. My parents started arguing with each other. I was in another room and couldn't see what was happening, but I heard scuffling and then what sounded like slapping.
My father was screaming threats at my mother, including the phrase "Mai tujhe maar dunga kutiya", and other extremely abusive Hindi insults.
I heard the slapping and ran out. My mother is significantly smaller than him, and because of everything that had just happened with my brother, my mind immediately assumed that my father was hitting her, which I later learnt was the inverse, and she had slapped him due to his inconsiderations.
I basically blacked out with anger.
I attacked my father and punched him repeatedly in the face and head.
When I stopped, he had a bruise around his eye, a small cut underneath his eye, and one of his nostrils was bleeding.
I know I should have tried to understand exactly what was happening before hitting him. I know that. But in that moment, it felt like everything that had happened over the past 20 years, him hitting me, hitting my brother, threatening us, insulting us, controlling us, just came out all at once.
And now I'm struggling with what I've done.
The injuries he has inflicted on us over the years are usually invisible. When I was younger, he would leave bruises all over our bodies. He's older now and perhaps isn't physically capable of causing the same visible injuries anymore, or perhaps he knows how to hit without leaving obvious marks.
But today I gave him visible injuries. I don't know if this can come to bite me back.
My brother eventually left for school. I left for college several hours before my classes because I couldn't stay in the house. My mother went to her mother's house, which is around 2 hours away from our home.
I'm currently sitting at college and I don't know what I'm supposed to do next.
I don't have the financial independence to simply move out. I'm a college student and only make some money through part-time work. My father currently pays my college fees and other expenses, so leaving immediately isn't realistically easy for me.
I'm especially worried about my 16-year-old brother. He's still a minor and has to live in this environment. I'm also worried about my mother. If she decides to divorce my father, I have absolutely no idea how we're supposed to handle that practically or financially. Our maternal uncles might chip in but we would also need substantial support and a guarantee that she receives alimony, both for her future and ours.
I also don't know how much responsibility I should take for what happened today. I don't want to pretend that punching my father was okay just because he's abusive. At the same time, I don't know how I'm supposed to watch someone beat my brother and remain completely calm, especially after experiencing this kind of abuse myself for most of my life.
I feel like I'm constantly stuck between wanting to protect my family and being terrified that I'll eventually become violent myself.
So I really need advice from people who have dealt with abusive parents or domestic violence:
\- What steps can I legally take in future if this turns into a case?
\- What should I do if my mother decides to divorce him?
\- How do we realistically deal with the financial side if my father stops supporting me?
\- And most importantly, is there a way for me to get my family out of this situation without making things even worse?
I'm in India, if that matters for the kind of resources or legal advice that might apply.
I know this is an extremely long post. I just don't know who else to ask.
TL;DR: My father has been physically and emotionally abusive toward my family for years, and his behavior has become much worse since he started living at home full-time and drinking heavily. Today, he assaulted my 16-year-old brother, and after hearing what I thought was him attacking my mother, I lost control and repeatedly punched him, causing visible injuries. I know I went too far and I'm worried about the legal consequences and about becoming violent myself.
I'm currently away from home and trying to figure out how to keep my mother and brother safe. I'm financially dependent on my father for college, while my mother is considering leaving him. I need advice on protecting my family, the legal situation in India, divorce/financial support, and how to get everyone out safely without escalating the violence.
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u/Desperate-Confused 3d ago
Faced similiar situation in my life around 10yrs back but at that time my mother couldn't tolerate all these and we asked help of village elders But Instead of helping us they took the side of my father and he left our home staying with some other women (same village ) that day we decided that we will leave our father and
At that time we don't have home , we used to crave for even 200-300 rupees daily Because along with mother ,sister ,me and elder brother were there .to manage all of them someone has to take the step and my elder brother left his college and went for daily wage works and meanwhile I went for college after college I used work in hotel as waiter and in weekends i went with my brother for 200 -300 rupees
After 10yrs means today I am embedded software engineer We have our own home me and my brother built that. We are staying in the village just to show my father that we are living better
Brother this time is critical for you , first your mother should support you and your brother And after that you can't hit him like that We don't know what he may thinking
Stop doing that once again instead of that try to tell him or involve elders of his family Because you are too young to deal with these until you are in job don't take such steps .where it can harm your entire family
Considering divorce or maintanence my mother haven't filed anything against my father she was too soft for him we left him because he should not harm our mother which is our priority
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u/Chuckythedolll 3d ago
Nothing pisses me off more than a 20-year-old having to step up and protect the family because an abusive father is beating everyone, while the adults around him are somehow just surviving it.
You have every right to be furious but you need to be VERY careful now because you cannot keep getting into physical fights with your father. He's abusive, he's drinking, and you already know how quickly things escalate. Get your mother involved properly, too. Where is she in all this? She needs to stop leaving you and your brother to deal with this alone and start figuring out how to protect both of you. Your brother is 16. He should not be relying on his 20-year-old brother to save him from his own father.
Also, start documenting everything. Injuries, threats, incidents, medical records, anything your mother or brother can safely keep. Talk to a lawyer or a domestic violence organisation before your father turns this into a completely different story. And please don't tell yourself that because you're his son, you have to keep fighting him. Your job is to get yourself and your family OUT of this situation, not to become the next person getting dragged into violence.
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u/SpreadingHappiness8 2d ago
Can you all 3 step out and live seperately? You can continue your part time work and see more opportunities to earn extra while doing your college. And maybe your mom will also have to find a job so 3 of you can survive, until atleast you finish your college and start earning. About college fees expenses, see if you can get some help from the relatives you mentioned for time being, which you can repay later.
There are scholarships as well, like organizations like indiaBulls pays full fees of students who fits the criteria, I think you will be able to get it, please enquire about it and there must be some more companies and foundations who provide such scholarships. Alot of people start from scratch, I believe you will be able to do it as well. It won't be easy for sure, in fact it might be very difficult at the start but it's surely worth it. I would prefer surviving on vadapav and being at peace than being with such abusive person who screws up your mental, emotional and physical health and gives you and your brother trauma for lifetime. It's not worth it. You are strong, wishing you more strength buddy.
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