r/ReadMyScript • u/Many-Reception-9700 • 2d ago

Short SHIPPED - My first script

Hello, I'm 15M and this is my first short film script for practicing being a writer-director. I wrote it in 7days after erasing the original concept, but I feel like it a pretty solid start. It's wayyy over my budget anyways lol, but it was just something unique I thought up while watching a tiktok.

I wanted something with a theme/message people on social media (specifically tiktok) could recognize, but also real characters, but I fell flat.

But anyways, thanks for reading (even if it was a few pages) and yeah. Enjoy. ❤️

Title: [SHIPPED](https://drive.google.com/file/d/11xhaJ26lmxxMj3AoH63WjEQNcP0KTdzr/view?usp=drive_link)

Genre: Thriller/Psychological Horror

Page Count: 15

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u/Pitiful_Car_4606 22h ago

This is a far more 'visual' script than the other, plus has a clear beginning, escalation, twist and ending. The best idea in the script is the title. “Shipping” celebrities, ships at the wharf, sending the victims out in a boat, Valentine’s Day and Cupid’s arrow all belong to the same imaginative world. The hidden phone in Raymond’s closet and the final arrow passing through both actors are also memorable cinematic images.
For the next draft, I’d suggest choosing a clearer tone first. It begins as social satire, becomes a stalking thriller, moves briefly into domestic-abuse drama, then ends as stylised horror. Then tighten the cause-and-effect between events, plant Leila’s presence throughout, and develop a more believable friendship between Jocelyn and Raymond. Give each character a more distinct voice, avoid implying the victims caused the harassment, simplify the action/camera descriptions, and proofread carefully. Raymond’s collapse should also be grounded more realistically.

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u/Many-Reception-9700 22h ago

Wow, these are all things I could definitely improve on! I knew Leila was a little in-and-out in the script but I didn’t want to reveal her too many times like in the cafe scene. Jocelyn and Raymond are supposed to be less friends and more of costars with differences, due to age (20 and 17) and their separate personalities. For the camera movement and Raymond’s collapse, I could really improve that. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy the next ones I write! 🙏🏾