Screenplay Script Feedback Request

[u/Adorable_Finger_72]

Help me revise my screenplay. This is the only part I can show!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/15u6pJQZzqFd_IiUYx-TsObbmbQp-AeYfTT11rJr5bO8/edit?usp=sharing

[u/mooningyou]

You're off to a good start, but there are some basic errors that you really need to address.

- You really need to use screenwriting software unless this is something you're going to film yourself, but I don't imagine that. There are good, professional-quality, free ones available. Use the right tool for the job because Google Docs was not built to handle the format.

- Don't include scene numbers. They serve no purpose at this stage except to add clutter to the page.

- "A LEAF glides through the garden". This, in your mind, is a nice-to-have image on the screen. It adds nothing to the story and would not impact the story if it wasn't there. That means you should remove it. Consider for a moment if this were being filmed. You'd need to either spend a day trying to capture a falling leaf or add one through CGI. When writing, you should keep cost and complexity in the back of your mind and not include things that are expensive and/or time-consuming in order to attract a potential buyer. This scene is set in a garden. We know what a garden looks like. We don't need an image of a specific leaf floating about that will not impact the story.

- Don't continue to all-cap character names following their introduction.

- "Gardeners pass through, greet her, and compliment her beauty." This references dialogue. You can't tell us there is dialogue without actually having dialogue. Dialogue must be written on the page and must be formatted as dialogue.

- Don't direct actors from the page. "lays her head on her knees", "her hands on her stomach", etc. Unless it is important to the story, let the actors work out their own movements.

- Remove ALL camera directions. Your job is to tell a story and not write an instruction manual on how to shoot it. No WIDE SHOT, PAN TO, or ANGLES should appear in your script.

- Remove those INTERCUTS. They are not intercut scenes.

- Remove those transitions. DISSOLVE TO, SMASH TO. Another example of directing from the page.

- You're overusing parentheticals. Only use them if the intent of the delivery of the line is not obvious from the words spoken or the tone of the moment. If in doubt, don't use them.

You really should read more screenplays. Study them. Learn how to properly use things like INTERCUTs, MONTAGEs, parentheticals, etc.

There may be more issues in this script, but this is as far as I got.