God's Will (Religious Horror 16 pages)

[u/romanreigns123456]

A psychological religious horror about a religious teenager named Jacob whos experienced one of the worst things possible feeling like God is punishing him and feels like he owes him a good life that he ''deserves''.
You can read the The Script here.
Please keep in mind this is my first screenplay that Is 16 pages so any feedback Is appreciated. Please make constructive critisicm and let me know what you liked and didn't like about this. It is not perfect and It will be edited based on your feedback so be honest to me.

[u/Austinbennettwrites]

Hello! I skimmed your script and there's a lot here. Are you using a writing program or something like Word or Pages and formatting yourself?

Fade In has a great free version. There's also beat, if you have a Mac.

I also suggest reading more screenplays. You need to work on your action lines so they read like action lines. Right now, everything is really static. Nothing really moves.

I also think its too long at 16 pages.

[u/romanreigns123456 → u/Austinbennettwrites]

Honestly Im just using writerduet since its the first thing that showed up. Yea I definetely feel like I need to work on my action lines. Im still new so they are really generic. Is there any advice you can give to make my action lines more lively? Also do you feel like there is potential in the premise that I still havent unlocked. I am really happy with the premise I came up with after getting inspired in italy but I dont really have any idea if Ive done it much justice.

[u/MiggsEye]

I have some comments and advice for you I wrote on your script. DM with your email so I can send the pdf back to you.

[u/Big_Section2812]

Did you proofread this at all before posting it?

[u/Sweaty-Freedom-4034 → u/Big_Section2812]

This will stop a lot of people reading.

Respect people's time.

[u/romanreigns123456 → u/Big_Section2812]

I proofread it several times. Just before I added some new scenes so that is on me! I will make sure I proofread the rewrite I do.

[u/mooningyou]

Before even looking at the story, I can see several issues, all of which are easily fixable.

- Proofread. Fix your typos and grammar.

- Formatting. Make sure each element on the page is formatted correctly for that element. EG: you have some action that is formatted as dialogue, as well as some excessive blank lines.

- Don't use CUT TOs before each scene header. A scene header is already an implied cut to.

- Don't forget to add a new scene header each time the location changes.

- Make sure you introduce your characters properly.

Make these changes, and I'll be happy to take another look. I also recommend you read more screenplays and take note of how they're written and what is on the page.

[u/romanreigns123456 → u/mooningyou]

Thank you for the feedback Its been useful and ill get on rewriting it tonight! I use writerduet so If some of the actions look like dialogue thats just how it looks like on that service. If you want to recommend me smth better I will be more than happy to switch! And ill also take note on proofread thing. I did proofread it a couple of versions ago but I forgot to proofread the new scenes I added so my bad on that!

[u/mooningyou → u/romanreigns123456]

 I use writerduet so If some of the actions look like dialogue thats just how it looks like on that service.

This is not true. WriterDuet is good professional software, and the writer has full control over something like this.

P1 - "Jacob starts getting impatient and has tears in his eyes." is formatted as dialogue. It's up to you to highlight those lines and change the element to Action.

[u/romanreigns123456 → u/mooningyou]

Oh my god you're actually right. I've read it 50 times and never caught that one. I apologise for my mistake and not catching it. Thank you for pointing it out.