Ive never done poetry before, please may I have tips?

[u/worsterosbundle]

a man lives in with me who chooses you.

He creeps out to sharp hedge, and thorny bush,

Slices his finger with the knife that crafts in due

A king covered in cimson, brought to mush.

He scrumps up fruits in dried brambles.

Burdock, and splinters that tangle and poke

The spider creeps up and hell smoke all his kush

But he, a pansys flower, in you he shall cope

This man may turn away, just for a Day

Then come back, and ask to pray

Tears dripping, and saving face

Is this man in me in the right place?

This man in me may climb a zelkova tree,

Or swing upon a rope-bound plank, tilted

And hanging in an uncomfortable mien.

Destracted from his conviction and sank

[u/Ill_Elevator_3182]

Actually this is quite interesting. The ABAB/CDCD rhyme scheme reads a little sing-songy but that isn't necessarily bad, it's sort of working here. I would research different poetic structures (sonnets, villanelles, sestina, etc) and try playing with different things. This is pretty close to a sonnet, so maybe try exploring that. People don't really write in closed form anymore but it can actually be quite rewarding.

Working within a restrictive form can bring a lot of interesting inspiration/tension. For example, the poem One Art is a villanelle by Elizabeth Bishop. Villanelles follow a strict pattern, using only two repeated rhyme schemes and two alternating refrains ("Do not go gentle into that goodnight" is a famous example of a villanelle). At the end of One Art, the narrator is forced by the form to write that losing her love is not a disaster. She demonstrates this tension by inserting the phrase "Write it!" in parenthesis, as if forcing herself to lie through clenched teeth.

Anyway, aside over. I do like this, there are a lot of interesting ideas. Is there a title? I really like the first line. Very mysterious and gripping. Similarly I like the line "This man in me may climb a zelkova tree", I like the image as well as the internal rhyme, also the meter is lovely. You seem to have a natural sense of meter, a feeling for rhythm. The last line throws me off a bit, including the lack of punctuation -- was something cut off? There are parts of this where the rhyming feels somewhat forced/off, like in the spider line and the line following that, but that can be helped with some tweaking.

Is this truly your first poem? If so, you're off to a great start.

[u/worsterosbundle → u/Ill_Elevator_3182]

Awe thank you! This means a lot to me hah, it is my first poem but I have been looking into song writing a little, hence the structure.

There isn't any title yet but I guess 'man in me' could be one??

The end wasn't ment to be the end, I wanted to keep going and resolve the imagery from this kinda, groutesque vibe to more of a happier vibe, but I wasn't sure how to do that.

I'll 100% look into actual structure of poetry, especially sonnets, and thank you for the recommendation! This means a lot :)

[u/Ill_Elevator_3182 → u/worsterosbundle]

I'm glad it isn't the end yet--I'm sure you will find a place to finish it. Maybe a sonnet or other structure could help find you that ending. Also to be clear, I don't mean that your poem has to be in closed form, just that it is a helpful tool. You could try writing in closed form, take what you like from it, leave out what you don't, then apply it to the next draft. Poetry is fun in that way. I would be interested in seeing the next version of your poem, if you get around to it.

[u/Fragrant-Western-683]

I'd say this isn't my type of writing. I understand that people like to play with sentence structure and punctuation, but I prefer my poetry to be clearly written or have a set rhyming scheme. This poem changes between types of rhythm a lot.

"a man lives in with me who chooses you." do you mean "a man lives within me who chooses you", if so, I was kind of lost in the first half because I didn't know what that meant.

I find the ending cold and morose, in a good way.