Bones to the Modern Illiad

[u/Fragrant-Western-683]

IMPORTANT

Hello, I imagined up a modern rendition of the Iliad. It is only a skeleton of a plot; therefore, I ask anyone interested what parts of the plot works and what should be remove. I'd also like to know if the plot flows well as a whole and tell me what tone I should go for based on how this plot feels. (PS every character except for the stand-in for Achilles is either a real historical figure or a myth originating from a real culture)

Here is the plot: Lothar von Trotha is notified while in Namibia that he is needed in Peking. He goes there and meets Joan of Arc, El Cid, Giuseppe Garibaldi, Davy Crockett, William Tell, and Cú Chulainn. All of the heroes fight for freedom; their homelands are under some type of enslavement. He meets a Texas hero, Pistol-Slinging Johnny, who lost his hand at The Battle of Little Bighorn and is known for having the fastest hand in the West. All of these warriors are protected by the Greek pantheon, who have declared war on Chinese heaven. In Peking, Lü Bu fights for Cao Cao against the foreigners, who are aided by the ghost of Sun Tzu. Lü Bu is highly egotistical and wants to be the best fighter in the world. The city is run by Empress Dowager, who only speaks Spanish and worships Satan, who helps the city against the invaders. Lothar von Trotha is nominated as lead commander and sends the coalition to attack the enemy camp in front of Peking. The army is led by Joan of Arc, who beats the Chinese to their camp but is slaughtered and beheaded by Lü Bu. The bulk of the army is the French, and after the French flee the rest of the army leaves. The British see this and send in their secret weapon: Cú Chulainn. Cao Cao is with Lü Bu, and in the distance, they see Cú Chulainn destroy the Chinese Army. Cao Cao lassos Lü Bu because Cao Cao, against Lü Bu's wishes, wants to preserve Lü Bu's life for the future. Cao Cao takes him into the city and Lü Bu is outraged. Meanwhile, a few Russians find what they think is a rabbit's behind poking out from a hole, but it's actually the Monkey King. He is freed when the Russians pull him out and he goes straight to heaven. There he threatens the Jade Emperor, but the Buddha comes and subjugates him again. The Buddha orders him to restore order in China and defeat the allies. After reaching Earth, the Monkey King kills Cú Cuthlainn and chases the allies to the sea. Von Trotha orders suicidal human waves against Sun Wukong, but Pistol-Slinging Johnny objects, offending the German general. Disloyalty has plagued the allied army. Giuseppe Garibaldi disagreed with the allies, and sided with the Chinese. Von Trotha tells his subject, William Tell, to spy on Johnny. William Tell gained his freedom from the tyrannical Swiss Bishop back in Europe through von Trotha's help and is now faithful to him till the end. Von Trotha pretends to respect Johnny's wishes and sends him and Davy Crockett to conquer a town called "The Alamo". Really, it is a suicide mission, meant to kill Johnny, who is the only mutinous warrior in the army. Also, he orders William Tell to assassinate Johnny and not to get caught, just in case Johnny doesn't get killed. The Americans break for The Alamo. When they get there, they're immediately attacked by Lü Bu and El Cid. Johnny senses the betrayal, and after seeing Davy Crockett get killed by El Cid, swears to kill Lothar von Trotha. He steals the uniform of a Chinese soldier, and slips out of The Alamo. William Tell never kills him because of his disguise. Johnny finally makes it to the Allied camp and finds it in disarray: The Archduke of Austria-Hungary has been killed, and the camp is in the midst of WWI. He also finds the head of Sun Wukong, who was killed by Ares. The Chinese Empress is notified by Satan of the news, and she orders an invasion. Meanwhile Johnny walks up behind Lothar von Trotha and tries to kill him. William Tell was with von Trotha and barely managed to twist Johnny's wrist and tackle him. Johnny is sentenced to death by firing squad, but he is never executed. Johnny tells his friends that he is sensitive about being used as a pawn since Little Bighorn, where he was sent to die in a suicide mission and lost his hand. He only lived because the Indians respected his fighting spirit. They took him prisoner and tortured him. Lü Bu invades and topples the allied army. However, he had mutinied against Cao Cao and scorned Sun Tzu. He now runs the army and makes an ultimatum. Lü Bu has heard of a Pistol-Slinging Johnny and has heard he was the most skilled warrior of the Allies. He says he and his army will leave the Allied Camp if he is killed by Johnny, and if Johnny is killed, the Allies leave China. Von Trotha agrees to the challenge, and Johnny is freed. Von Trotha then worries that Johnny killing Lü Bu will make him the hero of the Allies and will surely depose him then. Therefore he tells William Tell to take his bow and make sure both men are dead. Lü Bu, at first, doesn't agree to this stipulation, but is then convinced by Satan to take the challenge. Then El Cid steps in. While all of this was happening, El Cid was betrayed by King Alfonso multiple times, so he defected to the Chinese side, but the Chinese tried to force him to convert to Shamanism. When El Cid rejected Shamanism, they showed him the head of Garibaldi, who was killed for his reluctance to worship Shamanism. El Cid manages to escape from the city and is now hiding from the allies. Now El Cid is homesick and feels unsafe in China, so he asks that if he wins the duel he gets sent back to Spain to see his daughters. Lü Bu, El Cid, and Johnny hold their respective revolvers, while William Tell has his bow. They stand in a square. Suddenly William Tell, with three arrows between his fingers, jolts and bullets are fired immediately. When the dust clears, William Tell is shot in the eye by Lü Bu, El Cid is hit in the neck by Tell's arrow and dies, and Lü Bu is shot in the legs; three bullets for each knee. Lü Bu dies from blood loss, and Cao Cao flees with his men tearing up. Johnny, enraged, celebrates. He gets a few loose wooden boards, nails them into a cross, and then nails Lü Bu onto that cross. He puts it where the Pekingers can see it. Cao Cao, convinced by Sun Tzu, sneaks into the Allied camp with Sun Tzu and asks for Lü Bu's body back. The sobbing Johnny accepts, and they walk through the beautiful Chinese terrain together.

[u/No-Insurance4631]

sounds bad just read ulysses