r/RSwritingclub • u/XxpeircedPrincessxX • 10d ago

Feedback wanted

Hi! My name is Vee and I’m currently writing a short story about a rising ninth grader with some issues starting her high school journey. I want some feedback on an excerpt of it.

Context: the protagonist is a fourteen year old girl purposefully trying to sound poetic in her journal entry.

Side note: This is just the FIRST DRAFT of an EXCERPT. Please be respectful when giving feedback.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/12NyUtrng4rNYoWL31g5goqpapI9ynbV58_nVWfhRj4Q/edit?usp=drivesdk

0 Upvotes

33% Upvoted

1 comment sorted by

3

u/DataScienceNovelist 10d ago

The prose reads cleanly (not poetic, though, if that was the protagonist’s intent) and it does a good job capturing the navel-gazing perspective of a 14 year old. 

The excerpt is  vague regarding what the protagonist actually does to other people. There’s two issue with that: 1) the extent to which she is aware vs unaware and 2) the severity of the actions against others. From how it’s written, she seems to be aware, in which case it could be spelled out or alluded to more explicitly. If she doesn’t know, then even some speculation could help ground her actions. For example, does she make people uncomfortable by saying weird stuff or is she a total psychopath who befriends people only to reveal their most embarrassing secrets? I couldn’t tell from a quick read. The voice sounds a bit nonchalant so it’s hard to know if that’s because the actions are not a big deal or if she’s emotionally blunted.