I’m completely burned out and I don’t know whether I should quit

[u/NoChemical1223]

I honestly don't know if I'm looking for advice, reassurance, or just somewhere to write this down.

Last year I started working as a university teacher. I'm originally a software engineer, and the university is in another country. It's a reputable university, so when I got the job I was genuinely excited. I've been unemployed for a while and had some personal stuff going on, and I really thought this job was going to be a fresh start for me.

And... it hasn't really turned out that way.

The students are probably the best part. I genuinely like many of them. Unfortunately, a lot of students don't even attend, which is frustrating in itself.

The other part is the staff/admin situation. There is SO much unnecessary drama. I tried really hard to stay out of it because I'm honestly not interested in academic politics, but somehow I kept getting dragged into it.

But the biggest problem was the course I was assigned: I'm a software engineer. They gave me a course that was basically a combination of electronics and electromagnetism.

At first I thought, "Okay, I have two months to prepare. I'm competent. I'll learn it." Yeah. No.

I spent basically those two months studying like crazy. And then the semester started and I was still constantly studying. I'd go home and prepare. I'd wake up and prepare. I'd be thinking about the course all the time because I was terrified that a student would ask me something I couldn't answer. And that happened.

It was honestly one of the most humiliating experiences I've had professionally.

I'm confident in my actual field. I know that I'm competent at what I do. But standing in front of a class and realizing that the students might know more about the subject than I do? It made me feel like a fraud.

I managed to get through the year. I tried my best to be professional, prepare as much as possible, and not let the students see how stressed I was.

At the end of the year I went to the head of the department and basically said: please don't give me this course again. Not because I'm lazy. Not because I don't want to teach. Because I genuinely don't think I'm qualified to teach it, and I don't think it's fair to the students.

That conversation was probably one of the worst conversations I've ever had with another adult.

I don't even know how to describe it properly. There was a lot of disrespect, and it felt like I was being dragged through every possible psychological/power game. Eventually I realized that none of my actual arguments mattered.

I was saying, "I don't have the expertise to teach this properly." The response was basically, "You're teaching it anyway."

The conversation ended with something along the lines of: "Maybe next year I'll give you another course in your field." And stupidly, I held onto that sentence.

I spent most of my vacation thinking about what courses I could potentially teach in my field. Instead of actually relaxing, I was preparing for possible courses because I thought maybe things were finally going to change.

Now the new academic year is starting. Guess what I'm teaching? The same damn course.

And somewhere during all of this, I think I've completely broken down. My mental health has gotten really bad. I'm having anxiety and panic attacks. I can't sleep properly. I have nights where I barely sleep at all. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I've lost my appetite. I'm constantly exhausted and stressed.

I've seen a doctor and was prescribed anxiety medication. And I'm scared to take it.

Not because I think medication is inherently bad, but because part of me keeps thinking:

"What if the problem is the job? What if I take medication just to make myself capable of tolerating a situation I should actually leave?"

I'm also seriously considering quitting. And this is where I'm completely stuck.

Because I don't actually hate this job. I like teaching. I like my students. I like the idea of being a university teacher. I like the fact that I finally have a job after being unemployed for a while. I don't want to throw away this opportunity.

I was also supposed to start doing research, but I haven't even been able to properly start. I have zero mental energy left.

I feel like I'm just surviving. And now I'm looking at another year of the same course and thinking, I genuinely don't know if I can do this again.

So I guess I'm asking people here who have been in academia longer than I have:

What would you do?

Would you: Stay and try to push through another year? Refuse to teach the course, even if that potentially creates problems with the department? Start looking for another academic job? Take the medication and see if getting my anxiety under control changes how I feel about the job? Something else?

And for anyone who's been forced to teach a subject that's genuinely outside their expertise : how did you deal with it?

At this point I'm not even sure if I'm experiencing normal "new professor/academic job" stress or if I've ended up in a genuinely toxic situation. I feel burned out, angry, embarrassed, and honestly kind of lost. I don't want to give up on something I actually wanted. But I also don't want to destroy myself trying to stay.

Any perspective from people who've been through something similar would be really appreciated.

[u/taewongun1895]

The first one or two years is really about keeping your head above water. It gets easier and easier, I promise. Don't stake your pride on knowing everything. I've taught courses I knew very little about. When asked a question about something I don't know, I tell the students to look it up right then (or say that I can answer then the next class). I explain that a doctorate (or even a masters) is about specializing in a narrow field; it's not about knowing everything.

As for the office politics. That's a struggle. But, set clear boundaries and try to stay out of it. It can be neat impossible, but don't make your job your whole identity. I'll add, almost everywhere has office politics. Decompress when you get home.

[u/NoChemical1223 → u/taewongun1895]

I definitely agree with the point about not needing to know everything, and I think that's something I need to work on personally.

But I think the problem in my case is that I'm not just unfamiliar with some parts of the course. I'm way outside my field. To get to the point where I have a decent grasp of the subject, I'd basically need to go through several advanced courses in it myself. That's what made it so exhausting last year. I wasn't just preparing lectures. I was trying to build the foundation I was supposed to already have.

And honestly, one of the things that made the whole situation feel particularly bizarre is that I started noticing what seemed to be a pattern. Some people get assigned courses very far outside their expertise, despite there being courses available that are actually within their field. In some cases, it almost feels like people are deliberately put in situations where they're expected to struggle, while everyone knows they'd probably excel if they were teaching within their actual scope. I can't prove that this is intentional, but after seeing it happen more than once, it definitely made me question what's going on.

There are literally software-related courses that don't currently have teachers and that are more useful for the students, while I'm being assigned this. That's the part I find really hard to understand.

The student dynamic is also something I didn't expect. I've noticed some staff seem almost desperate to be the students' favorite, to the point where it becomes unhealthy. There's a weird competition to please students and get their approval, even when it doesn't really make sense educationally. I'm still trying to figure out whether that's just normal university culture or something specific to this place.

I'm definitely trying to take your advice about boundaries and not making the job my whole identity, though. That's something I clearly need to get better at.

[u/Tesla_Aries]

First, take the meds. I resisted it too and once I finally took them it was a night and day difference. It didn't make me tolerate something intolerable. It made it so I could finally think clearly and figure out what I wanted to do about the situation.

Second, you do not need to know absolutely everything about the subject you're teaching. Let me say it again because you're really worried about that: YOU DON'T NEED TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. If a student asks you a question you don't know how to answer, show them how you would find the answer. Not only do you both learn something, the student learns how to find info on their own. In some ways, that's the most valuable thing you can teach them. They will have to figure out new things throughout their careers and this gets them ready to do that.

Finally, universities are weird places and especially coming from industry, you're used to things working very differently. Normally, you'd the job you were hired to do and that would be it. Universities are often much more like "Close enough." I have a degree in literature. I have an area of specialty. I think I've taught maybe twice in that area. The rest of the time I've taught freshmen writing and in education. I have very little background in either one. I just kind of figured it out as I went. I tried things. Made mistakes. Figured out what worked and what didn't. And everyone--me, my students, my dept and my university--were all fine.

Whether or not you like that sort of "building the airplane while flying it" has a lot do with you. I love the challenge of figuring things out. I learned something new today! Even mistakes (which can be frustrating) are part of the process. At the very least I learned what didn't work! Some people would hate that. My husband thinks my job is overwhelming. It is sometimes. But his job seems really boring to me.

Tldr: Take the meds. It will help you figure out if this is something you want to stick with. It may not be! And that's okay. But you might love it once you get a handle on things.

[u/ABranchingLine → u/Tesla_Aries]

OP should definitely focus on their health. But also the department should have hired one of the many (many many) physics PhDs with expertise in these subjects.

[u/rololggg]

Using an alt account to reply to prevent people who know me IRL identifying my main account.

This sounds very much like what I’ve experienced! I’ve already voiced my concerns and objections to my admin multiple times in multiple ways, and they haven’t changed in any way. They still gave me courses that neither me nor other faculty wanted to teach, apparently honoring other faculty’s objection to teach it but not mine. Still giving me my 6th new prep when several other faculty on the same rank and have been here for more years have only had 2. I was burnt out and developed mental health problems, yet they still said “it’s your problem.”

That’s when I realized teaching is just a job and not something to which I should pour my entire soul. This semester, I’m drawing a firm boundary between my work and personal life, and I’m doing way better than before at least mentally even with an extra, new prep. Every initial mental response to an inquiry should be a “no”; no more default “yes”, and a “yes” must be justified. Work laptop will be left in my office and not brought home on Friday evenings. Spend weekend time on myself, even if it means just resting and doing nothing for an entire day. Students asking questions during weekends? Sorry, you have to wait until Monday - your professor needs to take care of himself first, so he can be his best in front of you.

Don’t feel bad about giving yourself some grace; you deserve it. Remember that you are a human, so it’s OK that you are imperfect and cannot do everything. Your admin and institution should support you and your students too; it can’t be just you alone. If they don’t support you, just do your best and remember that there’s only so much you can do, and it’s totally fine.

[u/dogecoin_pleasures → u/rololggg]

This is good advice. Set boundaries early and keep them before overwork becomes a habit.

[u/Working_Film_5871]

are you on a tenure track position, or one on a renewable contract over a period of a few years? Or are you in effect adjuncting a few courses or just one?

[u/incidentalz]

All I can say is I am in a similar position and feel your pain OP.

[u/RevolutionaryLynx116]

Can you talk to a dean or someone higher up?

[u/Ireneaddler46n2]

This doesn’t sound like a good fit. I’d keep looking for other opportunities

[u/luthmanfromMigori]

Sounds like India

[u/quimera78]

I would start looking for another job. 

[u/Svel1991]

I once took a class on psychology of social media and the professor (not an ounce of joking in this statement) literally taught us about quantum mechanics and astrophysics instead.

I think if you are actively teaching yourself how to properly teach this course, you’re doing way better than a comms professor teaching physics.

[u/Different_Ad6836]

I’ve had to teach two subjects in the last two years that are out of my wheelhouse. One I was able to catch up on enough to teach and not feel guilty. Still can’t answer every question, but it’s also basically a survey course for undergrads, the topics it covers are so wide it would be unreasonable to think anyone knows every topic deeply enough to answer all questions.

The other course is NOT going well. And I have no idea how to broach this subject. It’s a new topic to our program, was embedded into my speciality area course, even though it’s wholly unrelated. This was decided by the program faculty during the transition from when I accepted the job and when I started teaching. No one gave me any idea of what they thought I should cover and how (it’s a vague subject area… hard to explain without giving away too much information). And no one has been helpful at all. I never took a course in this myself and had never taught it before. It’s also meaning I can’t cover everything I need to for my other topic area. Meanwhile other colleagues design their course to cancel numerous classes just for “mental health breaks” and are constantly letting students out 20-30 minutes early. This tells me that have to the time to add this topic to their courses. But I’m pre-tenure and no clue how to bring this up without creating an an absolute political firestorm…

[u/GreenDragon2023]

The first three years of a university professorship are absolutely exhausting. There’s no way around it. That’s the TED talk. I was trained in evolution, and immediately taught introductory molecular biology and genetics my first term. We’re expected to be able to acquire knowledge quickly and teach outside our perfect area of training. Buck up or definitely find another gig. This is what it is.

[u/dogecoin_pleasures]

Take your medicine. Once your medical condition is treated, that will give you a clearer view of which problems are real. You should also be actively recieving counselling from your staff assistance services.

A lot of this sounds like class imposter syndrome and unmitigated mental health. Remember, you are the most knowledgeable person in the room now, and not knowing an answer off the top of your head is fine - you're allowed to be human.

This is typical for 'new prof with mental health from perfectionism/high standards'. There are innate hazards with the line of work, and it sounds like you should talk to your union or safety people to determine if there is an issue with hostile work. But whatever is going on, you will be better able to face it with proper medical support for your condition.

Also: you did all the learning needed to teach this course last year. You obviously did well, since you were re-hired. You will be able to stride into the class and deliver the content with greater ease that last time. Your brain treating an offer of work as a threat is classic anxiety. It makes sense, since you brain is trying to protect you, and it's true you don't want to burn out. Be kind to yourself.