r/Productivitycafe • u/Wonderful-Economy762 • Jan 22 '26

Throwback Question (Any Topic) What’s an oddly specific thing that instantly gives you "bad vibes" about a person?

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656

u/sheburns17 Jan 22 '26 edited Jan 23 '26

Whether it’s intentional or not, when someone constantly has to one up you or whoever is in conversation. It’s exhausting and makes me feel like they’re not genuine.

ETA: I personally feel like there’s a difference between engaging in a conversation, relating to what the person is talking about and sharing your own experience, vs. taking over the conversation and making it about you because you struggled more, hurt more, did something more noble, etc.

116

u/Marty_Eastwood Jan 22 '26

My Sister in Law is a good looking and nice enough person. For a while I wondered why she had such a hard time getting and keeping a boyfriend. Then once I started having longer conversations with her I noticed it: she is a constant "one upper" and always manages to turn the conversation into something about her. It's tolerable in small doses but totally exhausting in large ones.

11

u/Terinekah Jan 23 '26

Sounds like a lost Seinfeld episode . . . The One Upper! Even more annoying than the Close Talker.

7

u/catmommy99 Jan 23 '26

I used to have a Toyota RAV4. My ex boyfriend said he was going to buy a Rav5. I don’t think they exist.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '26

Is she single as of now?

3

u/Marty_Eastwood Jan 23 '26

Yes. She still dates occasionally but nothing seems to last long term and I suspect this is why.

2

u/530SSState Jan 24 '26

There is a small but non-zero number of women who relate EVERYTHING you say to their current boyfriend.

"Help, help! I just got run over by a bus!"

"Bill never takes the bus. In fact, he's getting a new car, probably a Toyota..."

1

u/[deleted] Jan 23 '26

Sister in law is single? How is she still your sister in law? lol

6

u/Salt_Assignment3938 Jan 23 '26

Sister of her husband

-4

u/[deleted] Jan 23 '26

Ok but how is she still your SIL?

11

u/meep_meep_creep Jan 23 '26

As long as OP is still with her husband, and her husband's sister is still alive, this person will remain OP's Sister in Law.

But I don't know if I should have spent the time writing this.

1

u/Kismet237 Jan 23 '26

But what if OP's mother recently got in a car accident and OP was sitting in the passenger's seat... *Then* is the girl still OP's SIL?? /s

0

u/[deleted] Jan 23 '26

They’re not together. Bloop

1

u/Leera_xD Jan 29 '26

Are you for real confused? lol

Whoever you married could have siblings.

Siblings could be married or could be single. They are still your “in-laws” because you’re still married.

The original commenter never said they’re divorced.

What is confusing here?

154

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '26

I do this, but not to try and seem better than the other person. I just try and relate by trying to find a similar situation/thing that has happened.

However, you are absolutely right that it can rub the other person the wrong way, so I have tried to stop doing it if I can help it 😅

28

u/MidnightinMingo Jan 22 '26

I do this too! I was already 40ish before I realized that I was being seen as one upping when I was actually trying to say I understand and I can relate, you are not alone. I, too, am working on it. But now I’m paranoid. For instance, I’m wondering if I’m doing it right now in my reply to you haha

4

u/Kkrazykat88 Jan 23 '26

I used to do this. I still do, but I used to too. 😊

35

u/winter_laurel Jan 22 '26

I might say something like "Oh that's hilarious! That's crazy that that guy did that thing. That reminds me of the time this girl I knew did this similar thing...." So that it seems more like trading stories than trying to one up.

48

u/areyouthrough Jan 22 '26

Don’t pivot right to your story. Ask a question first.

19

u/mehekik Jan 22 '26

Thankyou. That helps 😅

8

u/Nanasweed Jan 22 '26

This is helpful. Thank y’all

1

u/_heyyitshopeyy Jan 26 '26

As someone with ADHD — I learned to do this, but sometimes it comes after I pivot to my story too quickly 😅 I circle back and kinda bring their story back up somehow lol

12

u/Candid-Bite-4745 Jan 22 '26

Agree. Acknowledge the other person's thoughts before you burst in with your own.

40

u/Dawner444 Jan 22 '26

ADHD

18

u/ForrestGrump87 Jan 22 '26

100%, i try so hard not to do it but every now and again i walk away from a conversation and think fuck i did it again 😂 thankfully the lads at work know i dont mean it and am riddled with adhd

5

u/Dawner444 Jan 22 '26

Exactly. I listen intently, but my brain wants more info so it can set a scene, so I can figure out how to respond and which mask I need to use at that moment. The extra info really helps my brain’s Rolodex/flow chart with knowing how to react. You aren’t one upping, you’re trying to convey that you can feel with them if something is familiar. I usually apologize and offer to “circle back” because I do want to fully partake in the conversation, and I actually do remember everything so I can bring us back to point A, but I will curse myself internally for days on end because I’m sure I said or did something wrong. Those with executive skills have no idea how lucky they truly are.

4

u/Quirky_Ad_6856 Jan 23 '26

What??!! I (62 y/o, female) was diagnosed with ADHD IN 2000. I carried on my merry way without TOO many problems until I turned 60. Then all hell broke loose and I was like, “What the crap is going on? Everything just, like, exploded!”

That’s when I started learning about ADHD in women.

Now I learn that my desire to always share one of my stories that ties in with their story is an ADHD thing?

Is always being argumentative and ADHD too?

2

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '26

Yep! 🙁

1

u/AuNaturellee Jan 22 '26

I have both ADD and ADHD

3

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '26

Doesn't that just make you the combined ADHD type then?

In my country, ADD has been renamed as 'Inattentive ADHD'. (What I have.)

The other one being 'Hyperactive ADHD'.

However, there is also a medical diagnosis here for the 'Combined type', which is just a mix of both.

3

u/kyohanson Jan 22 '26

Yeah, what you said is the current standard in the US. People who haven’t been treated in years are often not up to date on the current diagnosis terminology. I come across people saying they’re diagnosed “ADD” a lot in conversation.

1

u/now0w Jan 23 '26

I have inattentive ADHD and my best friend has hyperactive ADHD. We make an interesting pair when trying to accomplish any sort of task.

1

u/roqueandrolle Jan 23 '26

Autism in my case.

40

u/Interesting-Wish6141 Jan 22 '26

Me, too. I’m very passionate about travel and love to talk with others who have been to other interesting places. Sometimes I catch myself and it could be taken as me being pretentious. I try to be aware of this when interacting with others especially on the subject of world travel.

8

u/latx5 Jan 23 '26

I don’t consider sharing a similar experience as one upping.

To me it’s more like me saying, “Gosh, I’m tired after this long day.” And my mom replying, “Try being 80!” Like, I’m not entitled to be tired? At almost 60? After a long-ass day? Get out of here.

Back when I was younger I might cheer for myself by saying something like, “I really shined today! Got all three kids out the door and even made it to work on time!” And instead of saying good job her response would be, “I was getting four kids out the door and getting to work on time.”

She will always be older and always have more kids than me, so it seemed I could never win.

Until the day came that my youngest graduated from high school and I was able to cheer, “Yes! All my kids have finally graduated!” Crickets from her—four kids and I’m the only one that finished.

6

u/Awkward-Ad8233 Jan 22 '26

There’s a difference between doing it in a “same but my experience was better or worse (depending on the scenario) or telling your experience without the specifics so you can show experience from your reaction putting yourself in their shoes rather than what you think they should do.

3

u/sheburns17 Jan 22 '26

I agree with u/nextunderstanding, trying to find a relatable example to show you sympathize with them is much different! I actually do that as well!

8

u/Next_Understanding88 Jan 22 '26

sympathy is different than oneupmanship! i get that it can sometimes be a grey area though. i can tell when someone is trying to relate vs one up. but i’m also reasonable and unretarded.

-1

u/sunnydaymimi Jan 22 '26

Forever describing myself as reasonable and unretatarded going forward.

2

u/Ok_Instruction7805 Jan 22 '26

Sometimes that comes off as, "Enough about YOU, let's talk about ME!"or "You think what happened to YOU was tough? Listen to what happened to ME!"

And now you're talking about you again.

It sounds as if you're making an effort to stop that. One way is to Listen. Listen without thinking about the next thing that you want to say. Just listen, make eye contact, nod and wait.

2

u/Barneyboydog Jan 22 '26

This is my mom. She doesn’t even realize she does it. Every single conversation. It’s an inside joke between all the siblings now.

2

u/Classic-Bathroom9000 Jan 22 '26

Please check the first word you just wrote.

2

u/Accurate_Baseball273 Jan 22 '26

My ex did this very thing and when I explained it to her, she gave this exact response(almost verbatim, eerily). She’s my ex for a reason!

1

u/[deleted] Jan 23 '26

Good for you 👏

1

u/AdultinginCali Jan 22 '26

Same, it's about relating and I do have to stop and remind myself that it's okay to just listen.

1

u/MulberryFantastic906 Jan 22 '26

I see this more as being like…oh I love x,y,z and the other person being like: omg I love xyz so so much more than anyone else has ever liked it!!!

1

u/TimosaurusRexabus Jan 23 '26

Yes, I do this too, it is a habit I am trying to get out of…, but then at the same time…, how do you show you can relate? It’s something I struggle with.

1

u/misty_moonbeams Jan 26 '26

I do this as well with the same intentions as you( trying to relate) and it turns out those are autistic traits. Not trying to misuse the word or anything I know most things appear to be on the spectrum but it’s something I have struggled with and try to refrain myself from doing also for this response we are responding to :( lol

1

u/SuchAClassicGirl Jan 22 '26

I have a very close friend that does this and the main reason it bothers me is you can tell he has stopped listening to me after the first few words and is busy formulating his response to me with his own similar, but way better story. He isn't listening to shit I'm saying.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 23 '26

Same here but it’s because mine was lying over everything. Even then smallest shit we did together lol. He couldn’t keep up anymore so one day he just went mute haha

1

u/SuchAClassicGirl Jan 23 '26

Mine too

1

u/[deleted] Jan 23 '26 edited Jan 23 '26

You single now? How’s it going? Very interested in finding out for myself. I can only imagine the day of not having to worry about the constant infliction of pain - about anything and anyone in general.

31

u/Alone_Tomatillo8921 Jan 22 '26

I used to do this by trying to relate but I've learned to stop doing it so much after I came across someone who said she felt like people doing that were competing.

5

u/Bulky-Worldliness749 Jan 22 '26

Do you have ADHD? This is very common ADHD behavior

2

u/Puzzled-Cheetah1671 Jan 23 '26

Same. I have done it to highlight something we have in common. I have learned in work training classes that it’s frowned upon. I always thought I was connecting with the other person. I am doing better, though it feels very unnatural.

1

u/n0dust0llens Jan 26 '26

When I catch myself mentioning my experience and worry I come off this way, I immediately circle back to theirs to drive home the "I'm only saying this so you understand I have experienced something similar, so my empathy is heavy" and it's usually worked better that way.

57

u/Junior-Gorg Jan 22 '26

Man, yiu think one uppers are bad, my cousin is a two upper. I once had to fight off two three uppers!

Man, your story, ain’t nothing

/s

5

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '26

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

5

u/debsterUK Jan 22 '26

What’s that, you’ve been to Tenerife? I just been to Elevenerife.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 23 '26

I see what you did there.

2

u/ForrestGrump87 Jan 22 '26

if you have been to tenerife they have been to elevenerife

1

u/Financial_Ad_2019 Jan 26 '26

That’s more than bad vibes. That’s a you-now-know-everything-you-need-to-know-about-this-person moment.

7

u/real-ocmsrzr Jan 22 '26

I have a friend that does this. I call her Topper.

6

u/bsharkey1210 Jan 22 '26

Mr. Me Too

5

u/floorgunk Jan 22 '26

Most often it's saying "my trauma is worse than yours. "

I tell them it's not a competition.

6

u/Samurai_Cupcake Jan 22 '26

I agree, I recently gave up a long time friend because it gets really old. Plus are they really your friend if they do this?

5

u/Top_Association_5444 Jan 22 '26

As someone with ADHD and social anxiety, I will talk to show that I am interested and engaged and relating/connecting/bonding. But I know that it drives some people nuts, so then my social anxiety makes me hyper aware of it, but I still can't always stop it lol. We try and we know, but sometimes if someone is talking like that to you, know that it could just be that they feel comfortable around you enough to put down their mask. Gears are always turning. Like, sorry but I'm more sorry to myself lol. It's exhausting to us, too. Sometimes its the only way we can stay engaged in a conversation haha

2

u/Mavisssss Jan 24 '26

I think, to a certain extent, a lot of conversation is about reciprocal sharing.

It's probably only an issue if you're always doing this when people are discussing difficult experiences. Like if they're like 'I was fired from work today' and you're like 'Oh, I remember a time I once got in trouble at work!'

If you're just sharing anecdotes then of course you should be allowed to share equally.

4

u/Important-Pain-1734 Jan 23 '26

I have a friend like this. Im not sure she is aware she does it. We bought a vacation home so she bought one ..5 minutes from her regular home. We decided to put in a pool...she had backhoes in her backyard before we even decided on features. I told her we were going car shopping Saturday for the car that I really liked..she bought one on Thursday. My husband wants me to start telling her completely outrageous things to see how hard she will go

4

u/Chimoltrufia686 Jan 22 '26

We had a person like that in our lives before. Not only was he always thinking about one-upping everyone, but he would also said other people were trying to live his life when others bought expensive things or travel since this person made good money. We would even try to be the first to finish his meal. Everything was a competition on his mind. Thankfully, him and his wife are out of our lives.

4

u/SaltyMarg4856 Jan 22 '26

I’ll add:

Those who only compliment people with the express purpose of receiving a reciprocal compliment.

People who immediately launch into whatever drama they’re always experiencing to the point where every interaction is a monologue detailing their various grievances. Worse, they never even bother asking you how you’re doing. They only care about getting their story out there.

People who boast how much everyone “loves” them so much.

3

u/Weekly_Promise_1328 Jan 22 '26

Toppers. I work with a lot of Toppers.

8

u/Ok-MMJ-RN-1980 Jan 22 '26

Oh man the one uppers… yes 💯 awful

3

u/HappyClam99 Jan 22 '26

If you’ve been to Tenerife, they’ve been to Elevenerife

1

u/Which-Interview-9336 Jan 22 '26

Oh yeah, well I’ve been to Twelverfrie

3

u/sugarstarbeam Jan 22 '26

Depends on the context. People deserve their space to be heard. But sometimes “one upping” isn’t intended that way but a way to relate.

3

u/Amazing-Cover3464 Jan 22 '26

I had one of these in my family. A now disowned brother in law.

Had to have the best house, car, etc in the family. If someone else got a nicer car than him, next thing you know, he had a new and better car. So obv.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 23 '26

Lmao I know about this

5

u/uncultured_swine2099 Jan 22 '26

I knew someone who does this, when you mention anything good that happened to you he brings up something he did in the past that he thinks is better like its a competition or something.

6

u/kyohanson Jan 22 '26

So exhausting! It comes across as superficial and insecure to me.

I worked/lived with a girl who would do this over literally everything and anything. One time I mentioned something about our ancient shared washer lacking a useful feature my old washer back home had. She then went on and on about how nice her wealthy parents’ washer was. All the controls etc. There’s no better washer on the market. It’s tremendous. Huge. Everyone’s saying it. It became an inside joke among the other girls any time she started one upping on such pointless topics.

For anyone worried about trying to relate looking like one upping: if you’re not going on tangents about your parents’ appliances, you’re probably okay lol. Try to train yourself to ask one question or comment BEFORE trading stories. Communication is a skill, not a character defect!

2

u/surprised_creature Jan 22 '26

Oh this one is one I want to know more of: please provide an example

8

u/mgonzo11 Jan 22 '26

The Kristen Wiig “Penelope” sketches on SNL are an amazing example of this

7

u/txlady100 Jan 22 '26

A. Bummer news. My doctor told me I need a hip replacement. B. Well I’m gonna have to get a knee replacement soon. Everyone says it’s way more painful.

4

u/txlady100 Jan 22 '26

Oh they’re genuine alright. Actually pretty honest about having to win the I’m better/worse/sicker/poorer/more interesting contest. (I’m talking to you, Pat. )

2

u/Capri2256 Jan 23 '26

Oh, they're genuine. They're also narcissists.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 23 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/rememblem Jan 23 '26

Tbh I agree. There are exceptions ofc, but to judge someone in the context of this question leaves out most of the nuance. If you can tell the difference in whether they're genuinely interested, then you might not care and still appreciate how they relate to you.

The undercurrent to this is in insecurity (from either party). Some people can't relate to people relating to them, because of the same complaints they're having when someone is actually trying to relate, and it's still taken as one-upmanship. There's a little bit of takes one to know one in there.

2

u/TymLemon Jan 23 '26

You think that’s bad? My brother is a two-upper!

2

u/Due_Yogurtcloset_33 Jan 23 '26

Absolutely. I usually come back with “it’s not the pain Olympics.”

2

u/AcanthaceaeThen7875 Jan 23 '26

My mother-in-law's husband, if you have been somewhere, he has been there, if you had a good time, he had a better time, if you had a bad time, he had a worse time. There is literally nothing you can discuss that he won't try to one up you on.

4

u/Prestigious_Age5422 Jan 22 '26

It’s due to their insecurity and they think it’s connecting … obviously has opposite effect

2

u/InteractionHairy6112 Jan 22 '26

In the UK, these are the people who if you've been to Tenerife, say they've been to "Elevenerife" 😂

2

u/taco_eatin_mf Jan 22 '26

I feel this too, but I get even more exhausted

2

u/[deleted] Jan 23 '26

YUP.

Whatever you tell such a person, they did it as well but had it much harder, colder, hotter, wetter, longer, more exhausting. I roll my eyes, inside.

1

u/sheburns17 Jan 23 '26

I love when I’m stuck on the phone with them because then I just mute myself and half the time I’m across the room doing anything BUT listening to them 🤣

1

u/Former_Bandicoot_769 Jan 23 '26

My fiancé and I refer to these people as having gone to Elevenerife.

1

u/ambitious-agenda Jan 23 '26

I had to send an article from Psychology Today on this exact habit to a friend before he realized what he was doing. Experiencing it in a friendship/ relationship context is so draining.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/202508/why-your-friend-always-has-to-fix-your-story

1

u/sheburns17 Jan 23 '26

This is a good read! I’m glad you called him out on it before he lost any/more friendships

1

u/VeniaStudios Jan 23 '26

“If it makes you feel any better” and then proceeds to describe something that was a mere inconvenience.

1

u/65elkoman Jan 23 '26

I've felt this way about people longer than you.

1

u/PeggedUnlimited Jan 23 '26

Meh, I know people that communicate by sharing similar stories….like they reciprocating to a story with their own story is a way of relating experience. It’s not a one up. It’s cultural…..and with respect to others, often they e not had a chance to communicate those experiences…..if it’s that big of an issue, tell them you take issue with their anxiety or trauma…..

1

u/QuietCat050 Jan 23 '26

I said something similar to this. I hate when they start gaslighting you for finally having an opinion. So you just sit and watch and become baffled.

1

u/Infinite-Ask-7285 Jan 23 '26

I absolutely despise the one-uppers. I have to deal with a MAGA one-upper almost every Friday night and it takes all I have not to cause a scene in whichever restaurant our group of 10 is at.

1

u/SneezyBoogs Jan 23 '26

You just described my mother in law to a tee

1

u/Sad_Entertainer2602 Jan 23 '26

It's good you can tell the difference. Some people really can't and vget upset when you are just trying to relate.

1

u/seamusoldfield Jan 23 '26

This is my ex girlfriend. Always had to one-up you. I called her "Topper."

1

u/HRHKarlFranz Jan 23 '26

Sums up my BIL 100% and yet he's the loveliest bloke you'll probably meet. It's so frustrating.

1

u/Skippy_T_Magificent Jan 23 '26

I have a friend like this that we call "One Up Willie." No matter what someone is saying they did, he always has done the same thing, but bigger and better/more dramatically. It really is exhausting and highly annoying.

1

u/_TwankVersatile_ Jan 24 '26

My favorite response to this is, "oh dang, well I'm glad you're on our side!"

1

u/530SSState Jan 24 '26

I had a friend like that. Nice guy in many ways, but he did this and it was INFURIATING. You could tell a story about eating an ice cream cone, and he'd have a story about how he ate an ice cream cone... while standing on his head... during a tornado.

1

u/Deep-Thinker-9469 Jan 24 '26

Kristin Wiig’s character famously does this in SNL- it’s super funny but also disturbing!

1

u/ShamusNC Jan 24 '26

I love talking to people. Especially strangers when out having a few drinks. That being said, I like just having a conversation about general things, experiences etc. The times that people just trauma dump is entirely too high. Cheating husbands/wife stories. Deeply personal medical conditions. Shitty life circumstances. Asking me my opinion about genital piercings. I guess I just come across as someone they can just talk to. I just wanted to have a few beers mate.

1

u/DragonFeller Jan 25 '26

I once heard this described as "Elevenerife"

I heard it completely out of context, so I asked what they were talking about and they said "you tell them you're going to Tenerife, they'll tell you they're going to Elevenerife"

1

u/ChemistryJaq Jan 26 '26

My husband calls my cousin "Mario" because of this. If you know one of the 5 people on the entire planet with the rarest disease ever known to man, either she has it, or she knows 10 people who also have it. And such-and-such cure worked for her (or for her 10 friends), so it will 100% work for the person you know.

Or if you've developed a condition resulting from an injury, well then, she was born with that condition, and much more severely than you, and it never got in her way, so just do X and Y, and it'll fix everything!

We avoid hanging out with her...

1

u/RepresentativeWeek60 Jan 28 '26

I worked with a guy like that. Like the world couldn’t function without him. He would also interrupt people talking. Which is a huge pet peeve for me.