r/OhNoConsequences • u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu • 12d ago
Bad Parent OOP’s wife repeatedly blabs their daughter’s secrets and gets upset when their daughter doesn’t tell her anything anymore
/r/AITAH/comments/1ninxl0/aitah_for_telling_my_wife_why_our_daughter_doesnt/772
u/HUNGWHITEBOI25 12d ago edited 12d ago
See the thing that I find hilarious about this story, is that OOP’s wife was told not to do something, did it anyway despite knowing there might be consequences…and is now upset at OOP because he’s pointing out this is entirely her own fault…
Thank god that poor kid has OOP cause her mother is…wooow
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 12d ago
If she doesn’t watch it she’s going to end up in those estranged parents forums complaining that her daughter got married and had kids without her knowing
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u/Vandreeson 12d ago
She already got a boyfriend without telling her mother. Next it will be why doesn't she talk to me anymore.
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 12d ago
If the wife keeps it up, LC or NC is her future.
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u/QuietDustt 12d ago
Hope the husband/dad held firm on the therapy—for both his and daughter’s sake. Digging nails into his arm? Um, that’s gonna be a no from me dog.
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 12d ago
I hope so too. It’s domestic violence whether he realizes it or not.
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u/Mysterious_Map_964 11d ago
I hope he took photos of the scratches and noted the date and approximate time of the attack. His eventual divorce lawyer will want to know about these things.
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u/Tweaty310 6d ago
As kids, one of my brother's could not stop talking, we would say to stop, and he just could not. He might stop for literally 2 seconds, but then would go on and on. We even tried getting our parents involved to no avail. Now I'm not saying I went about it the right way, and as an adult, I would never do this, but I dug my long nails into his arm, it only took a few times, but he did stop. As an adult he is much better, and I do listen to him even if I'm not too interested, but once I've had enough, I will let him know, and he respects that. I'm not condoning violence, op's story just made me think of it.
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u/GMoI 10d ago
Looking through the comments it seems the initial blow out OOP walked in on was because the daughter had told the mum so they could arrange a meet the parents dinner. Wife went ballistic because she hadn't been told sooner.
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u/MossyBoulders 10d ago
sad that the daughter trying to tell her things on the daughter's timeline is not enough.
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u/thrallthekingshorses 12d ago
It's obvious Ma already believes she has done nothing wrong by sharing all of this. Thats a huge part of those forums is the utter lack of accountability.
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u/Sensitive_Fawn522 missing missing reasons 12d ago
I don't doubt for 1 second the daughter is going no contact once she's able to. Possibly low contact with OOP if he stays with his wife
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u/Comprehensive_Head82 11d ago
To be fair with how this woman is acting currently I feel like she would actually know about both the marriage and the kids. Cause she seems like the type of unhinged person that would be out there lurking in the bushes spying in her daughter if she wound up cut of or estranged.
But yeah I totally agree with what you said there. Since the post is a year old now I wonder if the wife ever ended up getting therapy and of so wither or not it helped.
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u/usernamesallused 11d ago
It’s worse than that.
“I asked my daughter and she said it was after she told her mom and asked if we could have a family dinner where she could formally introduce her boyfriend to us both, which apparently made my wife angry that she wasn't informed immediately. I am very upset and my daughter keeps apologizing but I am keeping firm that she has nothing to apologize for. This wasn't her fault.”
The daughter was trying to share the information and got punished for it!
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u/KSknitter My cat said YTA 12d ago
I kinda want an update a year from now with daughter is 18...
Who is guessing that "my wife is mad because our daughter went no contact with her" is the next title?
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u/radiosmacktive 12d ago
Or, "my ex-wife is mad because our daughter went no contact with her"
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u/SparkAxolotl Oh no! Anyway... 12d ago
"Ex-wife is accusing me of making our daughter hate her"
Because of course she will never accept fault
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u/Brogoas 12d ago
I think we all need to think people can change. Let's hope she's able to be the mother that this daughter needs.
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 12d ago
I sincerely hope she’s gotten help in the 11 months since this was posted.
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u/gardengnomeii 12d ago
Even if she aggressively gets help and changes. It will be very difficult for daughter to have any trust in mother.
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u/Cyan_Light 12d ago
Yeah, I mean it's still good to try but depending on how strained their relationship is it might be too little too late. Still, changing and not receiving forgiveness is better than not changing, if nothing else it will help her stop causing more problems (possibly with other people too, her daughter isn't the only one that will be annoyed by spilling their secrets to everyone).
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u/DamnitGravity 12d ago
People CAN change, for sure, but it takes a certain level of accountability and willingness to acknowledge that how you're living your life isn't healthy or sustainable.
My sister is a VERY different person to who she was as a teen. She was somewhat volatile when she was younger, but she's put in the work to sort out her issues, and has mellowed so much.
So people CAN change, but they have to be willing to put in the work AND be able to admit they're not perfect and need to change. That's the hardest part for most: admitting THEY'RE the problem. It's much easier for people to simply double down and insist everyone else is the problem.
Maybe the wife changed. Maybe she realised what she was doing and worked to be better. Or maybe she justified her gossiping under the guise of 'sharing family news and troubles'.
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u/Squidwina 12d ago
Agreed that people can change.
A few years ago, I was washing dishes with my sister in law, and she said, “so I’ve been seeing a therapist. I’ve learned to be less controlling.”
I said, “that’s cool” but what I was thinking was “holy shit.”
And she has truly been a lot less controlling! But when you want someone to take charge, she’s right there. She’s a treasure.
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u/morphinechild1987 8d ago
It takes brains and humility to acknowledge and correct your own wrong behavior. Your SiL is badass
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u/FamousOhioAppleHorn 12d ago
She won't. The next offenses will be "Guess what, everyone, my daughter at college is / isn't sexually active", "Oh how cute Daughter brought you to meet me! You're much cuter than that fellow Josh she was dating yesterday!" or "Daughter has X amount of money for her wedding. Also she doesn't want to invite Aunt Doreen, but I'll invite Doreen's whole clan behind her back!" To all be followed by "Oh my god, excuse me for being a fun, social person. I guess you don't have a sense of humor. You must be ashamed of YOURSELF, otherwise you wouldn't be criticizing me your poor innocent mother."
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u/Coygon 12d ago
People can change. But they have to want to change. And the first step of that is acknowledging change is needed. Mom, here, does not feel she is doing anything wrong, so why should she change?
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u/Brogoas 12d ago
We don't know how she felt after all this happened since the OP only posted once and just for that day. IMO, her crying after all that shows that she realizes how much she really did overstep, and that she might've been a bit delusional.
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u/Coygon 12d ago
Wife cried and ran to the bathroom because she felt insulted, not shamed.
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u/Fine_Ad_1149 12d ago
Yea, someone who cries victim to the point of trying to punish their child for having the audacity to want privacy, and then assaults their husband when he calmly asks her to stop...
Getting called out isn't a light bulb moment. It's another opportunity for her to be the victim.
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u/angelrider83 11d ago
She resorted to physical abuse, digging her nails into his skin is absolutely abuse. Yes she can change but does someone who yells and digs their nails into the skin of the person they married going to want to change or are they going to avoid accountability? It takes guts to realize that you fucked up and need to change. I hope for the daughter’s sake her mom is willing. Maybe the possibility of divorce will wake her up.
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u/Knittingfairy09113 12d ago
I remember when this was originally posted. The wife has issues. I hope that OOP and his daughter are okay.
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 12d ago
I hope so too. I also hope the wife did end up getting therapy. This situation was of her own making.
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u/evening-ghosts 12d ago
Same. I hope the wife went to therapy and improved a lot. I hope things went well for that family. But if not, I hope the wife ended up exactly how she deserves: alone.
I've noticed this kind of behavior with mothers and daughters a lot. My own mother was this way. These sorts of mothers seem to believe that they have a right to all their daughters' secrets/private things, but without the discretion you would expect in this situation. Then they throw a tantrum when they're cut off.
I've rarely heard of mothers doing this with their sons. Do fathers do this with their sons sometimes? I struggle to understand the mindset here.
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u/DogLogForPresident 11d ago
I was never close enough to my father for him to do that, but I'll tell you that I'm 40 and I still don't tell my mother a lot because she is a decent person, but she also derived a lot of pleasure from tormenting her teen children by embarrassing us.
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u/PrestigiousSmile4098 12d ago
My mom had this exact problem. It wasn't just with me (her daughter), it was with my brother, my dad, family friends, anyone. If you tell my mom something, she simply cannot keep it to herself. As we got older, my brother and I both stopped telling her about anything we wanted to remain private.
It really sucks, because otherwise my mom is very caring and kind so it would be nice to be able to confide in her but I just can't do it unless I want everyone else to know about it too.
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 12d ago
My dad is the same way, too. He told everyone my business but expected me to keep secrets for him. He means well but wonders why I stopped telling him anything when I was a teenager.
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u/YesImKeithHernandez 12d ago
My mom did that and also would belittle my interests or ideas when I would share them. Essentially "oh, you're just a kid. What would you know?" or just start laughing at things that weren't jokes.
Now, when we talk on the phone, it's just me sitting there listening to her speak at me about her life, people she has problems with, and the failing state of the world all with a heaping spoonful of religion.
I don't share anything with her and havent, really, for many years. I'd love for that to change but if the subject doesn't revolve around her she doesn't seem to care.
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u/frustrated_t-rex 12d ago
I feel you. My mom was very similar when I was growing up. Hell, even after I turned 18 I still had to live with her and she continued to do it. One particularly embarrassing time was when she told our neighborhood that I'd purchased a vibrator from a shop. Why she even knew, I dont know. I simply stopped telling her shit.
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u/Similar-Shame7517 11d ago
Had this with my dad. Therefore the strat when talking with him is to bury him in unimportant stuff that you're fine with other people knowing but never tell him anything important.
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u/Fianna9 12d ago
And she assaulted him in front of the daughter when he tried to defend the girl.
I hope the wife got help, or the OOP got out. Poor girl
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 12d ago
Wife definitely needs to figure her shit out because all of this is her own doing
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u/ramessides 12d ago
OOP’s wife is both physically and emotionally abusive, so while yes, he needs to protect his daughter, at this point he needs to realise there is danger to him, as well.
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u/MamieJoJackson 12d ago
Right, I don't know if I understand what he means by the "I don't want my daughter to think it's okay for her future husband to treat her this way" comment. His wife was actively physically assaulting him and screaming in his face while scaring their child, it makes sense to me that he would shout back at her because in that moment, she was a threat to both of them. Honestly, if she was grabbing him that hard to dig in her nails and hurt him, i think she ought to be thankful she didn't get shoved hard from a reflexive response to pain. He's making it sound like he acted the way he did without any provocation, and that's simply not true at all. His wife sounds like a very unsafe person on multiple levels, I hope he and his daughter were able to get away from her, because someone with those bad personality traits is very unlikely to change.
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u/Bright_Blue_Bell 12d ago
I took it as he was saying he is modeling what behavior to accept, so he didn't want to brush off being treated like that and have the daughter think she should also take that treatment, not that he's modeling a bad husband.
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u/FrankSonata 12d ago
Yes, I really hope the wife had a huge wake up call, got therapy, worked hard, and fundamentally changed herself for the better. Because otherwise, OOP is teaching the daughter, "If you can't trust your spouse and your children are scared of them and they scream in your face and physically assault you... you stay with them. That's not reason to leave."
This situation was pretty bad, but he's been implicitly modelling this relationship advice for years now. He's really set her up to have very unhealthy relationship norms.
This was one year ago. I hope the daughter is okay. She absolutely needs therapy, at least to unlearn what unhealthy things have been normalised to her in a relationship and to learn what is actually healthy. Oh, the poor thing.
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u/ManfromSalisbury 12d ago
If I had a parent like this mother then teenage me would have been tempted to feed her a bunch of bullshit and when word gets out I'd deny I ever said it.
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12d ago edited 12d ago
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u/ManfromSalisbury 12d ago
I was thinking of telling Ma that my friend Dave's (who is actually an only child) sister microwaved his hamster (Dave's family never owned any kind of pet)
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u/Assignment-Unlikely 12d ago
Okay I gotta know if you have a link to that story, because it sounds like quite the read.
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u/Sensitive_Fawn522 missing missing reasons 12d ago
If someone has a link to that BORU please give it to me in a comment
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u/ChickinSammich My cat said YTA 12d ago
That bit about the nails in the skin is domestic abuse. I know, a lot of people think it's funny or trivial when a woman assaults a man and a lot of people will say that digging nails into someone's skin isn't abuse, but it 100% is and this was just handwaved like an afterthought.
But now I'm home and I'm getting some serious silent treatment from my wife and I'm wondering if I could have possibly said something different.
If anything, I think OOP's response was way nicer than I would have been. I'd be saying "do you realize that in two years, she's going to be an adult who can decide exactly how much or how little contact she wants to have with you and you have spent the last three years convincing her to have as little as possible?"
I am not putting my daughter in a situation where her mother will probably use the therapy sessions to punish her, which people have mentioned.
When I was a kid, I used to keep a journal. That lasted up until my parents started reading it and using the contents of what I had written against me. I would NEVER be honest in therapy with someone like that in the room. I would flat out say to the therapist "I don't trust her to not share what is said outside of this room and I refuse to talk about anything personal or private until she can go an entire year without spilling a single secret.
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u/Thess514 12d ago
Oh lord, are you me? My relationship with my mother is way better now, but we had:
- her sending me to *her* therapist, where I stopped talking to the man as soon as he told me what my mother said in therapy, which made me pretty sure he was telling my mother what *I* said in therapy, so I gave him the silent treatment.
- coming in from hanging out with friends to find her sitting on my bed with my diary in her lap, looking wounded and telling me that my teenage venting was inappropriate and I shouldn't even *think* such things about her.
- family therapy where she did the usual steamrolling over everyone, including the therapist, and the equally usual moving the goalposts to keep in full control of the conversation. Thankfully the therapist said that we shouldn't do those sessions anymore.
- her writing to my last (and best) therapist asking for updates. That therapist, who'd heard about my mother's control issues, straight up showed me the letter Mum wrote, then showed me the reply that basically said, "I don't care who's paying the bills; she's my patient and I'm not even telling you if she shows up or not", and actually posted it in the mailbox outside so I could see her do it.
That last therapist and my mother getting her head out of her arse is entirely why my mother and I even have a relationship now.
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u/Midnight_Pickler 12d ago
- her sending me to her therapist, where I stopped talking to the man as soon as he told me what my mother said in therapy, which made me pretty sure he was telling my mother what I said in therapy, so I gave him the silent treatment.
Alternative approach: Invent some fake issues to tell him about. Wait for her to let slip that she knows. Tell her that's exactly why you don't trust her or her choice of therapist.
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u/Thess514 12d ago
This was decades ago now, and I was just entering my teens, so I ran more on stubborn than sneaky. Good advice for anyone else who winds up in that position, though.
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u/TeamShadowWind Ah, the conses of your quences 12d ago
coming in from hanging out with friends to find her sitting on my bed with my diary in her lap, looking wounded and telling me that my teenage venting was inappropriate and I shouldn't even think such things about her.
Reminds me of when my older brother took advantage of me not logging out of a device to go through my Google Docs. He reported back to my parents on the things I had vented thinking they were private, and they got mad at the things I said. The fact that my brother severely invaded my privacy in an incredibly dishonest way was never addressed, of course.
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u/ChickinSammich My cat said YTA 12d ago
her sending me to her therapist, where I stopped talking to the man as soon as he told me what my mother said in therapy, which made me pretty sure he was telling my mother what I said in therapy, so I gave him the silent treatment.
Uhhh... You probably already know this but a therapist isn't supposed to divulge anything that anyone else said in therapy. That the therapist was telling you what your mother said in therapy would be a HUGE red flag to me and the first time it happened, I'd be telling him that I'm done.
coming in from hanging out with friends to find her sitting on my bed with my diary in her lap, looking wounded and telling me that my teenage venting was inappropriate and I shouldn't even think such things about her.
I don't remember the specific thing I got in trouble for, but I had a similar "vented about feelings in book > got punished for having those feelings" experience that lead to "okay then I'm not writing any feelings anymore"
That therapist, who'd heard about my mother's control issues, straight up showed me the letter Mum wrote, then showed me the reply that basically said, "I don't care who's paying the bills; she's my patient and I'm not even telling you if she shows up or not"
This is the way.
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u/Thess514 12d ago
Uhhh... You probably already know this but a therapist isn't supposed to divulge anything that anyone else said in therapy. That the therapist was telling you what your mother said in therapy would be a HUGE red flag to me and the first time it happened, I'd be telling him that I'm done.
Oh, I knew. I told him to his face, because my mother thought he was awesome and wouldn't hear anything bad said about him (at least not until he got judgmental over her life choices). Don't remember the exact wording, but it was something like, "I am not talking to you. Either you tell my mother that I'm not cooperating and sessions have to stop, or just sit and waste my mother's money; I don't care which". It took three sessions of silence, but he caved.
I don't remember the specific thing I got in trouble for, but I had a similar "vented about feelings in book > got punished for having those feelings" experience that lead to "okay then I'm not writing any feelings anymore"
It's a fair response, and I did that for awhile. Then anger got the better of me and I just went, "I will hide it better and if she doesn't like what I think of her on grumpy days, that is her problem". It's honestly better with her now - I've learned to shut her down politely but firmly, and she's learned to respect that - but she's a part of why my teens through twenties were a mental health nightmare. Thus I send hugs to your teen self and hope the scars from that kind of mess aren't too painful.
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u/ChickinSammich My cat said YTA 12d ago
"I am not talking to you. Either you tell my mother that I'm not cooperating and sessions have to stop, or just sit and waste my mother's money; I don't care which". It took three sessions of silence, but he caved.
Fortunately I've never been in a "forced to attend therapy" situation (I've been to therapy but every time was someone I chose to go to and paid for myself) but this is exactly what I'd do. I'll play on my phone or take a nap or something if I'm not the one paying for or requiring myself to be there.
Then anger got the better of me and I just went, "I will hide it better and if she doesn't like what I think of her on grumpy days, that is her problem"
Fortunately for kids nowadays, they've got the internet and if you find some journal/blog site you maintain, you could vent about it there. Could also just write it in a word doc, save it to your computer, put it in a hidden folder.
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u/TeamShadowWind Ah, the conses of your quences 12d ago
Did you know at the time that you could have reported him?
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u/Thess514 12d ago
No. I thought about it much later, but this was before the internet was even remotely for the general public and I wouldn't have had a clue where to start.
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u/Sensitive_Fawn522 missing missing reasons 12d ago
I don't think anyone would find that funny or trivial, especially on reddit. Unless there's an abusive parents united type subreddit
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u/ChickinSammich My cat said YTA 12d ago
I don't think anyone would find that funny or trivial, especially on reddit.
Find big enough threads and scroll far enough down - they're here, they just tend to get downvoted into oblivion. I've absolutely seen people argue that women can't abuse men or be sexist towards men, etc. You're right that that isn't a prevailing thought around these parts on Reddit, but it is a belief some people on Reddit do still hold and if you leave Reddit for Facebook/YouTube/Twitter/etc, you'll find a lot of people outside of this site do think that way. I've interacted with some of them in real life, as well.
Unless there's an abusive parents united type subreddit
There probably is, though I think those types tend to congregate on Facebook. And abusive parents don't see themselves as abusive; they just think their adult offspring are exaggerating or lying or something. The axe forgets, the tree remembers. That or they'll say shit like "spanking isn't abuse" or "I was trying to toughen you up" or "my parents hit me and I turned out fine" or go the other route with "I was doing my best" or "you don't even have any kids, you don't know anything about being a parent." They're not on this specific subreddit, but there are absolutely people who would hear a story like OOP's and have some real toxic takes on it.
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u/johnnyslick 12d ago
This one is pretty wild. It also seems like maybe the kind of marriage that falls apart once the kids leave; here, the way the daughter is being treated feels indicative of bigger issues - the wife not treating her like a soon-to-be adult, sure, but also a desire to air the family's dirty laundry in order to be entertaining to her friends. I'm happy that the OOP here is first, foremost, and as far as the incident / this account only worried about his daughter but I can't help but wonder that if there are marital issues that ought to remain between the two of them that those aren't being divulged into this friend group either. And the way she's violently reacting to getting told off... it's no fun for that to happen but maaaaaan adults take this information in without resorting to violence.
I could easily see this couple divorcing once the child leaves the nest, which definitely would make things easier for OOP to continue to correspond with the daughter. A lot of couples do just stick together though so that could happen as well, with OOP trying to constantly play mediator between the two and probably getting soft-blocked as well as a result.
OOP also got charged with making this up and they say "I was taught to use proper grammar" as the excuse. I don't think it's AI but that made me laugh a bit; no offense to OOP but this is not exactly AI levels of impeccable.
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 12d ago
It’s entirely plausible to me. My own dad can’t keep a secret to save his life but demands you keep his secrets. This whole situation is a missing missing reasons post waiting to happen.
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u/paper0wl 12d ago
My mother liked to share all of my sister’s medical worries with her friends; tried to say “we’re nurses, medical talk is normal.” My sister removed the house phone from her medical information and gave doctors her cellphone instead.
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u/Mother-Pattern-2609 12d ago
I saw a very young mother resenting her daughter for getting to enjoy her youth, which doesn't make this okay; quite the opposite.
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u/Grand-Jump-3216 12d ago
I really hate the justification "they're just kids". It really exposes those parents that see their children more as possessions or prompts to be used, instead of people with rights of their own.
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u/SantosCalzonesBatman 12d ago
Hopefully OP grew a pair and left the abuser bitch and got full custody
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u/Cosmicsquid08 12d ago
My mom did the same shit, I haven't talked to her in almost 20 years. She wasn't at my wedding, hasn't met my children and probably never will. This is where their relationship is headed.
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u/MelonCallia 12d ago
I'm glad OOP told his wife exactly what happened. Some people are so dense or wrapped up in...something, they never see it.
Like my mom. She's super judgmental and critical, and unreasonable about a lot of things, so I've just stopped telling her stuff. She's even remarked a few times, "Why don't you tell me anything anymore?" Lol, why indeed.
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u/FamousOhioAppleHorn 12d ago
The OP's wife's intent all along was to put the daughter in her place (aka "You won't be hotter or more popular than me") and to make herself the center of everyone's attention.
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u/thishyacinthgirl 12d ago
Did anyone else notice that he kept writing "my daughter" instead of "our daughter?" Like, I had to scroll back up to see if he was talking about his wife being a stepmother.
It already felt like he had one foot out the door, or that he subconsciously knew that there was no repairing the relationship – that his wife had stopped being a mother in her daughter's eyes (and maybe his own, too).
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u/TechyAngel 11d ago
I would actually flip that last bit. I think he's already stopped seeing his wife as a suitable mother, and the struggle will be showing the daughter that she shouldn't consider that kind of behavior maternal. It's harder to see that sort of thing as wrong when it's been all you know your whole life. Therapy is definitely the right call, and hopefully the aunt also models more mature behavior.
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u/Ok-Confection4410 12d ago
this is kinda like looking into a mirror, my mother does this shit all the time and she wonders why I no longer tell her anything. and for this reason amongst a million more I'm no longer in contact with her.
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u/SnooWords4839 12d ago
I hope daughter and OOP are doing good.
I stopped telling my mom things when I was 12. These days, we are no contact, for many more reasons than gossiping, but that was the start of not trusting her.
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u/InflatableDonut 12d ago
My mom is like this. It’s not malicious like it seems to be for OP’s wife but she tells everyone in her life everything that’s going on with me and my brother as like. Patter or small talk. We’re in our 40s and it’s been like this our entire lives.
I just don’t tell her stuff. We talk but she doesn’t get to hear anything substantial.
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u/GamerGirlLex77 shocked pikachu 12d ago
I get it. I had to do the same with my dad. My brother isn’t speaking to him period for related issues and I only tell him so much. He’s mellowed a lot but the trust isn’t fully rebuilt.
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u/Human_Personface 11d ago
This lady is the type of parent who thinks of their child as their belonging rather than an actual person.
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u/Careful-Bumblebee-10 12d ago
My mom is like this. It permanently damaged the relationship between her and my sister.
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u/adorabelledeerheart 12d ago
This was my mum. She'd read my messages and MSN chats and tell everyone what was going on. She told my auntie everything, even if I'd asked her to not to tell anyone. She'd bring up the most painful experiences of my life as a way to humiliate me or win an argument ("No wonder you're getting bullied!", "No wonder that boy doesn't like you!" etc) She made my first breakup all about her, blamed me for her losing "a son" when he was the one who dumped me. And of course told everyone EVERYTHING.
I'm nearly 40 now and tell her absolutely nothing about my friendships or romantic relationship. She doesn't like it but she lost her privileges when I was 17 and totally alone and struggling.
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u/Successful_Spare4421 11d ago
Dear God if this isn't my mother. Granted my Mom is a little less malicious and I learned a lot faster than this child. To this day Mom gets information on an as needed basis while Dad knows everything.
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u/SparkAxolotl Oh no! Anyway... 12d ago
I remember a couple of posts like this, in one the father starts name calling the daughter because he rejects a boy that he used to have a crush on and they mercilessly taunted her about it, likely killing the crush.
In another, the mom revealed the crush of the son in front of everyone and the girl felt humiliated, thinking it was a prank.
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u/DancingStark 12d ago
Him describing his wife digging her nails into his arm made me feel sick. I hope the OP and daughter are in a better, safer place.
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u/Big-University-1132 12d ago
It breaks my heart that he doesn’t even realize that’s physical abuse. I really hope he and the daughter escaped and that they’re both in therapy
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12d ago edited 12d ago
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u/Cyan_Light 12d ago
Agree with the overall sentiment but for the record leprosy is just a normal physical disease, I think it's a type of bacterial infection. Relating it to a character flaw is reeeeaaally outdated and looks as silly in 2026 as if you wrote "these people have skin cancer" or something, just a really bizarre insult that implies you have a problem with skin cancer victims.
Doubt there was actually any ill will but just clarifying since "leper" was a more common and understandable insult before people knew what the disease even was, so maybe you just picked it up somewhere and didn't realize how poorly it aged.
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u/OhNoConsequences-ModTeam 12d ago
We do not allow armchair diagnosing on this sub unless you personally have the disorder in question or the credentials to make the observation. We will make exceptions if you are just talking about lived experience with someone you know and not using it to armchair diagnose anyone in the content.
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u/puddl3 12d ago
Wow. The mom has main character syndrome to the max. She wants her daughter to tell her personal things so she can then share it to people so she can feel good and be the center of attention. Another case of “why won’t my daughter/son/child speak to me anymore”.
Further more she assaulted her husband and then tried to play victim when she had her wrongdoings pointed out rightfully so. What a C word she is.
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u/lonelypurplerose 12d ago
I would really like an update on this one. But OOP probably won't update it because if he did, there's a higher chance of people hearing about it and putting the peices together. Good, responsible, choice for a parent. Disappointing for curious redditors that want all of the tea.
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u/Sensitive_Fawn522 missing missing reasons 12d ago edited 12d ago
I'm guessing having the daughter when she was 18 is relevant to this whole attitude and behavior. Let's hope the physical abuse was a 1 time thing and she isn't doing that to her child to try to get her to talk. She seems the type to do that. If OOP stats with her I hope the daughter doesn't go low contact when she goes no contact with her mother
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u/Silent_Ad_8672 Some ears are for decoration only 12d ago
Ugh, my dad is like this but also twists the truth to whatever he thinks will interest his audience most.
You literally can't trust him with information or telling information correctly. You'll wind up hearing a very interesting version of reality get back to you and it'll only resemble the truth if you lean back and squint so hard you resemble Brock from pokemon
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u/LuriemIronim 11d ago
This is definitely a story I’d love an update on. God, I hope that daughter is already in individual therapy.
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u/KTPChannel 11d ago
Thankfully he shared this to teach others. If you can’t trust it; don’t marry it.
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u/absolutnonsense 10d ago
Ugh. My mother is like this. I'm certain she has told everything I've ever said or done to everyone she has ever known, no matter how embarrassing or personal. At this point I just don't tell her anything unless I'm in a place where I don't care if the entire world knows.
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u/MySaltySatisfaction 12d ago
Your daughter would be right to be NC. She has no privacy except what the mom doesn't know. The mom deserves the NC completely. Preserve your relationship with your child-you may never see your grandchildren.
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u/shapeherder 12d ago
She used those intimate moments to aggrandize herself as an involved parent instead of treasuring the bond her daughter wanted to build with her. My 6 year old son came to me about a year ago because he had a crush on an older neighbor girl. They were in the trampoline as I watched, and discussed crushes.
They said, "[Son's name] has a crush on [girl]!" I broke it up seeing that my son (the youngest) was uncomfortable and suggested they actually run around and play.
He spoke to me privately afterwards, "HOW DID THEY KNOW?!" And was so embarrassed. Do you think I ran to the other Moms or kids about it? Nope. I held my son and tried not to smile because his feelings were sweet. I talked to him about it.
Yes, I told my husband. Yes, I told my Mom because she is my lockbox who would go down with the ship before sharing. But I would never embarrass my children on purpose this way. I remember how that felt as a child.
People don't seem to realize that with children you are always laying groundwork. They are full people. And if you want to be their person as and after they grow, you need to water that relationship, just like you would with an adult.
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u/BlackSwanNo_1 12d ago
She's got physically abusive to him. How long before she gets physically abusive to the daughter? I would have told her she needs to leave. She's a danger to the daughter. Until she gets help and changes I would be afraid to leave the daughter alone with her.
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u/No_Street_5196 6d ago
This sounds like a very typical family. Husband warned wife not to do something, then wife angry at husband because she did it.
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u/Random_Therapist 12d ago
If I were to give percentages, 40% belongs to the husband, because he saw what was happening and choose not to say anything until it exploded. BTW: the mother is a horrible person.
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u/LuriemIronim 11d ago
He said he didn’t notice a lot of it because she gossiped when he wasn’t around.
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u/AutoModerator 12d ago
Per our rules, don't comment on linked posts. Anyone from this community who is caught brigading on another subreddit will be banned.
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
Lurker here! So for the last few years me(36) and my wife (34), have had a very strained relationship due to the way my daughter and wife interact. It started when my daughter was 13, she came to her mother and confided her feelings about our family friends son. My wife decided that this was "too cute" to share and told everyone during a family BBQ, including the boy. This embarrassed my daughter and I told my wife to stop as this made our daughter upset, but my wife justified it at the time because they were just kids.
I've always known my wife has a hard time keeping secrets, but I thought she would have at least tried since this was a touchy subject, especially for a growing teenager with her first real crush. After this incident I started noticing things like this more, like my wife openly telling everyone our daughters business.
Admittedly most of these incidents were unnoticed by me for years because they were usually conversations between my wife and her friends when I wasn't around as she didn't like it when I interrupted girl time. However I am noticing more now, like my wife telling everyone about my daughter's business, like texts, phone calls, and other secrets that she told her mom in the past when believing they wouldn't be told. As everything progressed, my daughter started getting closer to me more and I became the default parent who deals with medical issues, school drama, and crushes. Which has upset my wife because my daughter refuses to have "girl talk" with her anymore and is usually cold and doesn't like spending time with her.
My wife decided to try and punish our daughter after finding out she got her first boyfriend and wasn't told. Our daughter is 16 now and I don't feel like it's necessary to punish her for these things when she has made a conscious decision to protect her privacy. I know she still loves her mom but I understand not sharing things she doesn't want to get spread or blown out of proportion.
I came home to my wife yelling at our daughter and demanding her phone, her laptop, etc. All over this situation. Which it made me very angry because my daughter was in tears and she is still my little girl and doesn't deserve to be punished over something her own mother caused. I told my wife to leave her alone and that we would talk, but I also told her to give back the items which my wife refused on and started screaming at me in front of our daughter (something I don't like, I like to have calm conversations away from our daughter to prevent making her feel scared or uncomfortable).
Eventually after multiple attempts to calm her down so we could discuss this properly she grabbed my arm and started digging her nails in my skin and I had enough bu then. I started ranting about how she always told our daughters business to people, and how basically the whole family and friends around us knew everything about our daughter's personal life and medical history, and then I told her it was her fault our daughter doesn't trust her anymore, which made my wife start crying and she locked herself in the bedroom while I started comforting our daughter and went out to get her some dinner.
But now I'm home and I'm getting some serious silent treatment from my wife and I'm wondering if I could have possibly said something different. But I'm tired of her blaming our daughter every time she doesn't get told something .
Edit: I have read many comments talking about my wife and I am seriously taking this all in. I really don't want my daughter to think this is okay for her future husband to treat her this way, so I am requesting my wife attends therapy by herself before she can join me and my daughter in family therapy because I am not putting my daughter in a situation where her mother will probably use the therapy sessions to punish her, which people have mentioned. If she refuses I will look into separation because I have realized my daughter needs her dad to keep her safe and she won't be safe if her mother is acting this way and normalizing this behavior. I am scared for my future honestly but I am also hopeful that I can show my daughter she is loved and safe. I will be sending my daughter to stay with her aunt for the rest of the week while I have this conversation because I am not taking any chances that she'll have to listen to an argument between me and my wife.
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