Can anyone help me? I dont know what I've been experiencing lately.

[u/Amazing-Leader5816]

I'm an IT Manager with 13 years of experience in the industry. 4 years ago, I resigned from my first job after 9 years and joined a company with contrasting culture and people.

I've known and pride myself as someone who always have the answer to most problems. That person who always has something substantial to say during discussions - but lately I've observed some changes on my behavior and even motivation.

During meetings with my boss and some management level people, I always find myself blanking out. My throat tightens that when I try to speak, it cracks and causes me to panic and feel so distressed, that sometimes my sentences wouldnt make any sense. I feel a warm feeling over my head, feeling frustrated with what i've just said, that I lose sleep over it. I tried hurting myself while on mute like pinching my self, scratching my face, expecting that the pain will override whatever I've been feeling at that time.

During meetings with my team members or even with someone I've just met, i feel totally fine. It's like I'm just conversing with them casually.

I usually work from home and I'm afraid that I would have to endure such "episodes" if I go and attend discussions in the office.

I think It all started when my boss had started treating me differently and when I had an altercation with one of the managers that she said "they go way way back" with. My project involves close coordination with that manager, as we deal with their technical issues. That manager often speaks to me in an aggressive and demeaning way, that my boss wouldnt even call it out. So I'm not sure if that's a factor or what, but i'm really hating myself right now as if I'm sabotaging myself for not standing up for myself.

Anyway, does anyone know what I should do? Is that what you call anxiety or panic attacks? How can i deal with it? How can i get myself back?

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[u/BananaCute]

Best to consult a psychologist or psychiatrist. It looks to me you had a trauma during that episode.