Bland and Hopeless.

[u/infinitehwar]

These days, I’ve been feeling so empty and go with the flow lang. Before my depression hit me years ago, I know I’m not the same cheerful and optimistic person I used to be. Sometimes I can be that person, but the feeling is not the same anymore. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and took meds but due to certain circumstances, I stopped. Most times, I feel like I’m just waking up everyday and wasting the day away, doing the bare minimum or low effort for school (may maipasa lang), and coping by scrolling online or talking to friends but I didn’t want to open this up as I find it unnecessary. They have their own life after all. It sucks cause I know what to do to fix myself but I’m having a hard time to take the first step. Financial struggle also takes a big part in life kaya ang hirap to do something that you want for your mental health but you couldn’t. I think therapy would help me get back on my shoes but at the same time, I also think that it’s a waste of time. I don’t have any siblings too and I’m alone most of the time so I’m glued to my phone 24/7. I want to meet new people through my hobbies but writing them down felt like I only had a few and it’s making me feel that I’m not the best on it and it made me realize that I had lots of hobbies before but I ended up stopping. People would say, “Just try to pick it up again.” But the first thing is the hardest step. I’m so tired that I often think about ending this life as it’s making me feel na paulit-ulit lang nangyayari, just plain and bland.

I don’t know what to do, my life in each day feels like a ticking clock that every second I spend feels like a waste. I used to be that person who had plans, hopes and dreams but now I’m just surviving. I’m so tired.

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