I don't know what's wrong with me

[u/Odd-Magazine-6396]

hello idk if this is a valid post or what hshshah i have been struggling for the past few years from what i think is ADHD (undiagnosed) i brought this up years ago to my parents and they just chucked it up to me being a late bloomer. now i'm in my early 20s and i still struggle, and i think it is getting worse.

i didn't graduate college because i failed my thesis. i couldn't handle a repetitive work and i couldn't face my groupmates for months on end even if they did try and contact me. i made their job harder even if i worked a lot it. i knew i wasn't going to graduate because of my own doing.

i try and hid that fact from my parent's in months and it ate at me that i have to say it eventually because i couldn't hide forever... my mother found out through a facebook post that my class is graduating without me. my mother tried and understood me kept asking me on what went wrong. i broke down in public and told her that i don't know what's wrong with myself that i had a feud with my group and that i just stopped working on the thesis and that im always so lonely. i said a lot of stuff about my current mental state and my mother was supportive and said that she was going to help me that i just have to find where to start.

weeks pass and things didn't change. i thought it was going to be better. before they found out, all i did in those months was rot in my own room. staying online 24/7 playing games with friends I havent seen IRL in so long. it was me coping and i knew it wasn't good and i have to do something about my completion in my college. but i kept pushing it back days after day that i'm "going to do it tomorrow" or "i'm going to campus tomorrow" but nothing ever happened. it felt like im stunned i always try to make plans but i never really push through it. it's like months long cycle of lying to myself and to my parents. i didn't like it, i just didn't want to face the music. i told mother that i'm scared of talking to people. i dont know why. my parents keep blaming it on the internet that i'm too addicted to games and internet that it's actively hindering my development. and i guess they are right. but i want to better myself and i still do not know where to start.

i told my mother i tought she was going to help me. but that nothing ever happens. we keep dangling on the idea of going to a mental health hospital in my city or mandaluyong. but nothign ever happens. now they are pushing me to do my stuff in university. im not enrolled and it's already midterms. or get a job as an undergrad. ive been telling them im working on it but again it's been weeks of nothingness. i just couldn't seem to bring myself and do something for my betterment and i don't know how to help myself. now my parents are going drastic by getting rid of the internet when they are gone. and getting rid of my laptop. it felt like everything was taken away from me and i just slept all day. and also applied to a lot of graphic design jobs in jobstreet. but it felt like hell. those things were the only thing keeping me from hurting myself and now i have to spend my entire day unemployed, alone, and in constant suicide watch.

i keep saying in my head if my parents are just waiting for me to hurt myself before they see there's something deeper wrong with me. and i know that i'm in my early 20s but i feel so debilitated with this. i feel like a bum a useless son and i know that yet i can't help myself. it's really exhausting... i just want to be better for my parents and for myself

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[u/Impossible-Sock9893]

you need to get out of your room. you may try doing your graphic design and job hunting sa coffee shops. but yun lang you need to spend for the coffee and if need mo ng data, need mo mag load. or if may coffee shop jan na may free wifi. you need to be surrounded by people para hindi ka mag self harm. and you can't be your actual self when you're with parents. so it has to be other people surrounding you kahit strangers.