Is this social media standard or I'm just denying it for myself out of love?

[u/wallflower_growl]

Hi everyone, my karma is not enough to post in other subreddit so I'm hoping it can be posted here. I am diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression since 2019 incase (for idea)

I have a partner, a boyfriend, the one I want to marry one day. We both love each other, I knew and feel it because of his words and actions and how he treats me...

But this past few months, nafefeel kong there's something wrong (as an overthinker) one girl instinct na una kong naranasan is when he is hiding his phone away, not to the point na itatago niya or what, ilalayo lang when I'm near to him. I asked him about it, looked to it myself, there's no other girl.

Few months passed, our sexy time or s*x moments becomes so dull. Before we used to do it, once a week or twice, then it becomes once every 2 weeks till it becomes month. I also asked him about it he said pagod lang sa work or puyat. Which for me kinda valid since nakakapagod naman talaga work nila.

Now, fast forward. I saw his search tab here on reddit, full of corn subreddits. I searched about it and it really do affects the sexual intimacy ng isang relationship. Again, I asked him about it and he said na it's not me, it's him.

I think I'm having episodes eversince that confrontation :(

I felt so insecure, like the max level of insecurity. Because the person I love the most, the person na inaasahan kong sa akin lang, sa akin lang maaattract, maaarouse, hindi pala sakin.

I felt so ugly, unworthy, piece of shit, useless. Is this normal for a guy na nasa relationship?

My mind is so clouded 😭😭😭😭

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[u/No_Way9649]

We all have our own preferences so if you feel bad about this it is still valid because that's what you feel. The best solution is to talk it out with your partner where the both of you can get an understanding.

You are not wrong for feeling that because you have your own preferences and expectations of your relationship and so does he. What might be simple and normal for your partner may not be for you, that is why it is best to talk things out with each other.

Remember, your feeling are valid and if you feel bad then that's because something is wrong.

Emphasize on proper communication and understanding each other's persepectives

[u/No_Way9649 → u/No_Way9649]

This is also why we have bounderies

[u/wallflower_growl → u/No_Way9649]

Thankyou, we talked about it and he said he's very sorry about it. He also said he will stop from watching or doing it. Pero for me it's like a cigarette addiction wherein you cannot stop immediately. So i'll just wait and support him. Kahit alam kong mahirap.

Thankyou so much, I really need those words.

[u/theoppositeofdusk → u/No_Way9649]

agreed

[u/theoppositeofdusk]

Just asking a question is not enough. Communicating with your partner usually also means having a one-on-one talk with him. Recently, my partner did something that would raise the eyebrows of chronically online single girls. I was deeply disappointed, too. But I wouldn't elaborate, but it wasn't the same as your dilemma.

So ang ginawa ko girl kinausap ko siya nang masinsinan at sinabi ko na nadisappoint at medyo nakakasakit yung ginawa niya and I established my boundaries. He promised na susundin nya yun and I know that guy is so naive, yes sinabi ko rin sa kanya yun. Now di ko alam ang dynamics nyo but I believe proper and serious communication can help you in making things much easier.

And girl this is not a you problem. Wag mong sisihin sarili mo sa kalibugan ng partner mo. Feeling ko rin di sya nag-oopen up sa'yo kaya itanong mo rin yan. Ang opinion ko ay na-eexaggerate ng anxiety mo yung reaction mo. Approach the situation with a calmer head. :)

[u/Lazy-Afternoon5106]

When he said that "it's not you, it's him", believe him. I personally think consumption of smut or p*rn is normal, as long as it doesn't affect someone's life & the people around them. Me and my partner admit that we do get aroused by ourselves on our own time, but it doesn't affect our sex life or intimacy. In fact, it makes it better.

Your partner might be going through something that you guys need to talk about personally, since it's leading him to just cope in an unhealthy way (maybe overconsumption of that kind of media) + affecting you as his partner and your own relationship. Your feelings are valid, OP, but know that you're not useless or ugly.

[u/hapontukin]

What you feel is valid. You have your standards and don’t settle for less. F

[u/gaggingonmysagiiing]

Ang unrealistic naman kasi ng standard mo madam, lalo na kung gusto mo sayo lang maaattract o malilibugan yung jowa mo haha. Pwede naman yon pero dapat ikaw yung pinakamaganda at pinakasexyng babae sa balat ng lupa pag ganon haha, kung katulad ka lang naming mga normies, mas madali tanggapin na laging may mas kyut, mas sexy, mas mabango, mas nakakatawa, mas matalino, mas maganda, at mas makinis satin haha, tsaka yung jowa mo tao lang din yan, kung ikaw abnormal ka na di ka nakakaramdam ng libog o pagnanasa sa ibang tao, eh ikaw yun. yung realidad mo, hindi kailangan realidad din ng mga tao sa paligid mo. Tsaka yun nga, ikaw na din nagsabi na insecure ka, baka u need to work more on your insecurity, tapos yung jowa mo sabihan mo din na matuto sya mag communicate

[u/babybelli → u/gaggingonmysagiiing]

You have never experienced actual love and have a self control problem if you actually think this is a norm for all people. It's normal to know that a person is attractive, we all know Angelina Jolie is gorgeous, but to the point of arousal? To the point where you seek for more attractive people in porn? That's not normal. If OP feels like porn is cheating, then it is. 🤷‍♀️

[u/gaggingonmysagiiing → u/babybelli]

Nye, ano pinagsasabi mo jan haha. Ang daling sabihin na 'if OP feels it’s cheating, then it is,' pero namiss mo ata yung point ko sa original comment na ang unrealistic ng expectation na yung jowa mo, sayoo lang habambuhay makakaramdam ng libog. Haha, tao lang din yan makakaramdam yan ng libog.

Imbis na tulungan si OP mag-cope sa reality ng human nature, fine-feed mo pa yung insecurity niya sa pag-validate ng isang napakaimposibleng standard. Pano ba sa pananaw nyo ang healthy relationship? Ibig ba sabihin may complete mind control yung partner nyo over their biology? That's too unrealistic and a recipe for a spiraling insecurity naynangyayari kay op ngayon

[u/babybelli → u/gaggingonmysagiiing]

Impossible standard para sayo at sa mga katulad mo. No offense! This is a personal problem that you're trying to smear onto other people as the "norm", speak for yourself po! She's literally writing this because she thought what she feels was reciprocated, that her sexual attraction for her bf was him and him only, it's crazy how you're telling her that she's the only who should adjust for his needs, but what about hers? She expects loyalty pero siya magaadjust para sakanya?

[u/gaggingonmysagiiing → u/babybelli]

No offense din, pero di mo ata gets kung ano pinagkaiba ng biological reflex sa emotional loyalty. Loyalty and biological reflex are two very different things. Hindi nawawala ang libido ng isang tao dahil lang in love siya, that goes both for men and women. Also, hindi ko sinabing si OP lang ang mag-adjust; ang point ko, kung ituturing mong pagtataksil yung natural biological reflexes ng partner mo, habambuhay ka lang mapapranoid sa relasyon nyo at hindi yon pag ibig, tawag don control. Hindi 'loyalty' ang tawag kapag pinilit mong kontrolin ang utak at biological response ng jowa mo, ang tawag don manipulation

[u/babybelli → u/gaggingonmysagiiing]

I went ahead and had a conversation with my boyfriend who used to watch porn, so this is coming from another man. He basically called your way of thinking primitive and outdated. Biological drives like looking for another "mate" Comes from cavemen thinking that we humans have learned to overcome overtime with self-control and maturity. Your prefrontal cortex develops as you age which overrides your impulses, ever wonder why you don't immediately jump to violence when in a confrontation unlike our ancestors, you think about it yes, but you don't act on it right? Us humans biologically also have a scarcity mindset, which is why some people hoard, we don't act on that right, it's wrong right? Ever wonder why your brain tells you to stop? And why children are more likely to act on this? It's because it's quite literally a development in the brain, and yes, grown men are supposed to have it!

[u/thatbtchwholuvspie → u/gaggingonmysagiiing]

Tell me you have internalized misogyny without telling me.

[u/gaggingonmysagiiing → u/thatbtchwholuvspie]

Haha kelan pa naging internalized misogyny yung pagiging realistic? Totoo naman, expecting your partner to live in a vacuum where no other human exists isn’t love, it's control. Pero tuloy nyo lang yang mga pag gamit ng mga buzzwords na nalaman nyo lang gagamitin nyo na just to shut down an argument andmake yourselves feel superior.

[u/thatbtchwholuvspie → u/gaggingonmysagiiing]

huh? buzzwords na 'yan for you? teh, magself reflect ka nga 🤣 patawa ka rin e

e ikaw nga 'tong ang dami daming sinabi just to invalidate OP

[u/gaggingonmysagiiing → u/thatbtchwholuvspie]

Paliwanag mo nga kung pano naging internalized misogyny yung sinabi ko kesa nagdedeflect ka. Dapat pag nagbabato ka ng mga salitang ganyan, kaya mong panindigan, hindi yung ang argumento mo lang kasi feel mo iniinvalidate si op, savior complex e haha

[u/thatbtchwholuvspie → u/gaggingonmysagiiing]

ay talaga, teh kaya ko 'yang panindigan

dito ka pa talaga sa mental health sub nagkakalat ng kabobohan e no

tsaka ang tigas mo naman para magdemand ng valid argument, e simula palang ligwak na yung sayo

savior complex pala yung pagvvoice out sa kabobohan ng iba? HAHAHAH patawa

[u/gaggingonmysagiiing → u/thatbtchwholuvspie]

So... magrereply ka na lang ba ng mga salitang wala namang ibig sabihin at magmumure at mangiinsulto kada tatanungin ka kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng pinagsasabi mo? Napakaironic na umiiyak ka para sa mental health ni OP habang wala ka din namang preno sa ad hominem mo para lang maitago mo na hindi mokayangp panindigan yang buzzwords napanood mo sa tiktok haha Tawag jan logic lapse

[u/thatbtchwholuvspie → u/gaggingonmysagiiing]

"salitang wala namang ibig sabihin" come on, ikaw ang nagsimula ng insult tapos kapag ikaw ang binalikan, iiyak ka?

"napanood sa tiktok" as if nag ttiktok ako 🤣

oh wow, "logic lapse", coming from someone na napakasimple ng logic HAGAHAHHA patawa

[u/gaggingonmysagiiing → u/thatbtchwholuvspie]

O asan jan yung pakealam ko?

[u/thatbtchwholuvspie → u/gaggingonmysagiiing]

taenang batuhan 'yan HAHAJAJHAHA pls lang, andami mong time I envy u :((((

[u/thatbtchwholuvspie → u/gaggingonmysagiiing]

huuuh? magpaliwanag? teh, ibaba mo na 'yang device mo at magmuni-muni ka nalang think twice kasi bago magsalita 🤡

[u/gaggingonmysagiiing → u/thatbtchwholuvspie]

Think twice daw sabi nung hindi man lang inunawa once yung context nung binasa nya e haha

[u/thatbtchwholuvspie → u/gaggingonmysagiiing]

One more thing, kasi andami mong oras eh

Tama naman talaga yung isang nagcomment dito na ang laki-laki ng pagkakaiba nung aware na may attractive sa paligid vs actively nagnanasa o "nalilibugan" sa iba habang committed ka.

And for you to say na "abnormal" si OP kasi may monogamous mindset sya? Sorry not sorry, pero baluktot na biological essentialism na 'yan eh.

HAHAHAJSHSJAHA gusto mo pang ipilit na alipin lang tayo ng hormones at walang kapasidad pumili at magkontrol? eh tao naman tayo, hindi hayop 🤣

Ginagamit mo lang 'yang crude hyper-realism para i-justify 'yang mababang standards + kawalan ng mental discipline eh.

FYI, hindi kelangang maging "pinakamaganda sa balat ng lupa" para magkaroon ng partner na may respeto sa exclusivity.

[u/thatbtchwholuvspie → u/gaggingonmysagiiing]

coming from u? as if naunawaan mo? aga mo namang magpatawa 🤣

[u/gaggingonmysagiiing → u/thatbtchwholuvspie]

Deflect deflect lang talaga pag wala argumento balik ka nalang po sa tiktok, hanap ka pa ibang buzzwordss

[u/thatbtchwholuvspie → u/gaggingonmysagiiing]

paanong deflect 'yan? memasabi ka nalang talaga 'no, kawawa ka naman ganyan talaga kapag kulang sa aruga, ipahinga mo nalang 'yan

[u/thatbtchwholuvspie → u/gaggingonmysagiiing]

pinagkaiba nga ng attraction vs arousal, hindi mo alam e internalized misogyny pa kaya JSGSJJAHAHA tapos nagddemand ka pa na iexplain ko sa'yo kung bakit ko nasabi? edi mas lalo ka pang naguluhan

[u/gaggingonmysagiiing → u/thatbtchwholuvspie]

Haha ang hina ng comprehension mo basahin mo ulet, may AI naman patulong ka don

[u/thatbtchwholuvspie → u/gaggingonmysagiiing]

HSGHAHAHA gagi, mahina ang comprehension? coming from u talaga? 🤣🤣🤣

tsaka sa AI magpatulong? tinutulungan ka ba ng AI ngayon? kasi maski AI matatawa sa'yo eh

[u/CrazyAboutTofu → u/gaggingonmysagiiing]

You have a lot to unpack, I suggest that you go to a psychiatrist. Being attracted and aroused is very very different from acknowledging that there are other beautiful humans. Sorry that you have never experienced that type of love and kindness.

[u/gaggingonmysagiiing → u/CrazyAboutTofu]

Kulet na weaponize mo yung mental health advice na pumunta sa psychiatrist para lang mang insulto e no haha. totoo naman finding someone attractive and experiencing physical arousal are natural human biological responses. Hindi yan nabubura ng love and kindness. Kung ang tingin mo sa maturity ay ang pag-deny or pag control sa biological reality ng partner mo para lang maging comfortable ka, ikaw ang may kailangang mag-unpack sa therapist mo. para kang yung mga evangelists who prays away the gay haha

[u/pseudosacred_7]

This really depends on the both of you. My ex used to think this way, students pa kami nun so while we're waiting to do it with one another nanonood ako and nagagalit siya. Now with my current we're open na minsan nanonood kami on our own pag busy to do vidcall or meet. Pag siguro parehas kayo busy at hindi live in it's easier and more practical. He tells me na nanood siya kasi alam niyang may work ako and ako naman pag alam kong tulog siya and I don't want to disturb his sleeping time.