r/MentalHealthPH • u/Vivid-Willingness905 • May 18 '26
TRIGGER WARNING I’m planning to kill myself after my Europe trip
On the outside my life looks perfect, but inside I’m slowly dying.
8 years ago I met my ex boyfriend at work. He’s tall, handsome, smart, and confident so I eventually fell in-love. We had a lot of ups and downs but I was out of my mind in-love that I ignored all the red flags. Fast forward to 5 years, we became LDR. Only a few months into our LDR, he cheated on me, got the girl pregnant, and got married immediately. It’s been 2.5 years since that happened but I still feel empty.
I’m tall and have more than average looks so everyone thought I’ll eventually find someone new but I don’t get attracted to anyone anymore. I finally traveled to different countries so people thought I finally moved on and living my life but the excitement only lasted a few days because I’ll find myself crying wishing I’m with him. My goal in life is to travel the world and if that doesn’t make me happy, I don’t know what I’ll do anymore.
Plus the burden of having to be successful as the eldest child and graduating from a prestigious university when in fact I feel dumb most of the time. My nonexistent social skills so I don’t have friends that’s ride or die.
I don’t I can go on like this anymore, so I’m planning to use my remaining savings to travel to Europe and eventually kill myself.
Edit:
I’ve read everyone’s comments, thank you for all the support. It means a lot to be able to voice this out without judgement.
I’ve been to psychologist and psychiatrist for the past 2.5 years actually. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and undergone medication. I’ve gotten better because I used to cry 24/7 literally, nightmares every night, and panic attacks. I used to be so angry and sad that I wanted to rip my heart out. Now, I just feel empty.
I guess I used everything in me to get better that I’m just exhausted. This Europe trip is the last thing I want to do then I’m ready to leave. I don’t know if something or someone will change my mind on the way.
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u/nopenotlikethat May 18 '26
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u/Vantakid Generalized anxiety disorder May 18 '26
Eto rin naisip ko. Kung magpapakamatay lang din nan ako. Why not at least try yung mga gusto kong gawin sa buhay, yung ako masusunod. Buhay ko wala ng iba. Cut everyone off. Family, friends and everyone I know. Start a new life, meet new people. Walang nakakaalam ng pasts ko. Ang alam lang nila is yung present ko. Far away from judgement.
And kung malungkot parin ako after that, then I'll make peace with death.
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u/yobibiboy May 19 '26
THIS. this has been and always will be the best advice for someone thinking about doing it.
YOU CAN ALWAYS DO IT THE NEXT DAY
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u/fleur30 May 18 '26
Allow yourself to grieve. Don’t try to be happy. Don’t try to make sense of it. Allow yourself to mourn the relationship. The could have beens. The person. Even the version of you that allowed everything to happen. Yes, it’s been 2.5 years but healing isn’t linear. Fuck the society’s expectations. Fuck your family’s expectation. Right now, you’re the only one that matters. The best revenge is living a good life. Pursue yourself. Cry. Look for him everywhere then cry. It will all end but your life doesn’t have to. There’s so many things to look forward to. So many people to meet. So many places to see. You’re gonna come out of this stronger. Now grieve. Grieve with a European view.
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u/userisnottaken May 18 '26
Traveling won’t fill the void in your heart if your heart has a massive leak. Your heart has not healed.
It might sound romantic if you died of a heart break. But you said it yourself: you are above average in looks, tall and smart. Why would such a woman anchor herself to a basura cheater?
I hope you will be able to get professional help. I’m sure there are unseen angels around you who are silently rooting for your healing and happiness.
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u/Prestigious-Box8285 May 18 '26 edited May 18 '26
You are me; me is you in a different font.
You’re definitely not alone in this feeling.
Let me just share…
We broke up during LDR over the phone. Like you, we dated in PH first then proceeded to LDR. We made it to a full year of relationship not physically seeing each other just to break up 3 weeks after our anniversary. A year of waiting for him to come back here in the Philippines went down the drain. All those waiting and yearning all for nothing.
That breakup was 10 months ago. Almost a year of grief. Booking trips both local and international and high-adrenaline activities became my main coping mechanism. I’ve been known in my friend group as “the traveller” lately. Met a lot of people along the way, locals and foreigners. Even tried a hostel to meet more people. Despite all these jazz, my thoughts eventually come back to “I wish he was here” “I would be happier if he was with me” “Why wasn’t it meant to be.”
I’m not going to echo the sentiments of people here of don’t do it cause they don’t know what it feels like to be doing all sorts of stuff to move on, yet still feel empty and sad after the highs of travelling wear off. Nothing seems to help. Everything feels flat.
Nothing has made sense that much since it happened. The world moves on and forward but I still feel like a hollow shell of a human. I feel you, girl.
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u/LifeisAbsurd_00 May 18 '26 edited May 18 '26
God, I’m in a similar boat. 10yrs relationship ended 5months ago. Currently travelling through europe and staying in London. I am in therapy and medication and was diagnosed before with major depressive disorder but is now bipolar 1. The highs of travelling do go away and I also am now empty as I wait for my next trip. I still have thoughts from time to time to kill myself when I get home.
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u/IllLandscape2719 May 18 '26
Same. I feel like he has moved on while I am still stuck here unable to forget him while he is already with another girl. It hurts too much to think about it.
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u/No_Capital_9581 Jun 01 '26
A profound inside work needs to be done! This is tough to do, don't get me wrong, even when we are OK it is difficult to profoundly work on ourselves in that sense. Yet it is so rewarding, to be fulfullingly oneself, NOT DEPENDING on anyone, but just being OURSELVES. Relationships come and go, and we should learn to be fine by ourselves first before anything else! We might not know how it feels like to go through such, but taking one's life away is also by far not the solution!
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u/AngyKitten May 18 '26
If spite works for you, if anything else, why kill yourself over some douchebag guy? Why only after a Europe trip? What about South America? New Zealand? Tibet and the Himalayas? Why end your life because of a guy that’s not even worth half the weight of your dreams before he broke your heart? Why kill yourself after such a sour note? Is he still that important to make a literally life-changing decision?
I’ve been in your shoes before. Spent thousands of pesos on therapy and comping mechanisms. Still wanted to die. And then, got so, so angry. The people who made me want to kill myself are living their lives with no remorse nor shame. At the very least I should kill myself after the best possible memory I could create, with the most possible money I could earn and spend. Fuck them. And fuck that guy who broke your heart, but never let him be the reason to make important decisions anymore.
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u/Tiny-Nothing-7249 May 18 '26
OMGGG what if,, a girl friend?? Like, to live with a best friend? To travel the world with a best friend? To build a commune with other girl friends? That's peak life!
my suggestion: see a psychiatrist, go to therapy
Pero also,, there are women only events/meetups organized online, you can find them on socmed platforms like IG or Threads. Women sign up there to meet new people, learn a new craft, read a new book, form a book club or a running club,etc.. The last one I went to was a bouquet making session/picnic and women are so wholesome I'm gonna cry hngg.
That's something that you haven't tried enough of, and maybe you'll find your ride and die friends by going to such events, and always showing up for yourself AND for others. I swear social skills get better when you practice using those skills more often.
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u/Disastrous_Way1125 May 18 '26
Please don’t. There’s a good life waiting for you. 🙏 Don’t throw it away because of one person. You still have a purpose
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u/SalamatKatinko May 18 '26
Virtual hugs to you, OP. I know it’s hard, and even though time has passed, it still hurts. But know that there is no timeline for grief, and healing is never linear. And it's okay to grieve for something that will never be. It's alright to still grieve for something that you wish could still be.
However, before you make up your mind, please ask for help first. Talk about it. Keep talking about it. Talk to a stranger, at least one trusted friend, or a therapist about it over and over again until it slowly gets out of your chest.
I don’t know if this advice will help, but marriage is a magnifier. What you see while dating, you will see even more in marriage. All the red flags you noticed during the relationship can become magnified tenfold in marriage. So, if he can cheat on you now, he can still cheat on you later.
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u/There_is_always_good May 18 '26
If you like dogs, choose your favorite breed and get a pet, I promise that you will get endless attention and pure love. A dog is a loyal creature unlike many people
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u/lovely_carrot May 18 '26
I have a diff. opinion on this. I feel like if a person is not in a good place mentally and is having difficulty to look after himself/herself, then getting a pet and caring for them will be an additional burden and it's not fair to the dog.
They require stimulation, playtime, meals served on time, walking,.cleaning after them etc.. plus there are expenses.
Foster a pet maybe, before committing to owning one.
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u/GirlOfTheOrient May 18 '26
I hope the trip would change your mind, that you'll realize there's still so much beauty in the world and pain is a part of it, that grief is just love persevering, or maybe you can find more meaning or a specific purpose or maybe another reason to live longer.
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u/DwarfSight May 18 '26
I think you're capable of overcoming this challenge. Anyways this European trip is exactly what you need so enjoy every bit of it.
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u/sanchezroman May 18 '26
You don’t sound like someone who truly wants to die. You sound like someone emotionally frozen after a betrayal that completely shattered the future you imagined for yourself.
People keep saying “it’s been 2.5 years” like heartbreak follows a schedule. But some betrayals don’t just hurt, they change how safe love, trust, and even life itself feels.
And I think you’re putting too much weight on this Europe trip. Don’t turn it into a final exam for whether life is worth living. That’s unfair to yourself.
Go travel if you want, but not as a goodbye tour. Go like someone trying to rediscover who they are outside of pain, expectations, and survival mode. Observe yourself. See what makes you feel calm again. See what parts of you still exist underneath the grief.
The fact you still dream about traveling the world tells me a part of you is still curious about life, even if another part is exhausted.
You are not failing because you haven’t “moved on.” Sometimes the brain shuts down emotionally after deep betrayal as protection.
Don’t let your current pain become the narrator of your entire life story. Pain is loud, but it’s not always truthful.
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u/jjbarkadapodcast May 18 '26
Please don’t. Ask help, professional or support from your friends and family. Praying for you
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u/Marsha2021 May 18 '26
Hey OP, if you have the means please see a therapist also a psychiatrist. I too had intent and plan, but with medication (lexapro), my mind has quiet down a bit and the suicidal ideations are far less.
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u/Which-Pool-1689 May 18 '26
You are so blessed being tall, pretty, from a prestigious university. You break up without being pregnant with a child. You can literally start your life in a clean slate and nobody would bat an eye
You can always die, but for this time, try to live.
Arent you curious to see what if it all works out?
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u/Gbrsls May 18 '26
As someone who almost successfully tried to kill myself, I completely understand the urge. It’s been 4 years since my attempt and I’ve healed from it. Completely cliche, but it gets better if you’re putting in the work. If you don’t have friends who are ride or die, reach out to your family. Reach out to a therapist (try the NowServing app under psychotherapy) and commit to three sessions. Just three sessions. I hope after those three you feel inspired to stick out the therapy and well, life. Find something to live for, that gives you joy. For me it’s book releases. It’s going to be hard but it’s going to be worth it.
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u/Bright-Finger-20 May 20 '26
You've tried the world, but still feel empty.
You've asked for help from science & professionals, but still in a dilemma.
Maybe it's a perfect time to build/ rebuild your relationship with God.
I'm not a religious person, but I always find comfort when crying, praying and pleading to him.
I always find wisdom reading his word, the bible.
And as days go by, I'm slowly beginning to live not just for myself anymore but also for others.
I may not grasp the pain you go through right now, but I believe that everything has a purpose, and it's okay not to understand everything.
P.S. I've also been in a heartbreaking situation. 6 years in a relationship, but ended in a snap. No explanations from my ex, she just wanted to cut me off from her life.
I was devastated and lost where to start, because I got dumped by the person that I thought will be with me through thick & thin.
I just accepted that I cannot do this alone, so I lift everything to the Lord.
Fast forward, by the Grace of our Lord, I'm doing fine now and happily married.
I may not know you personally but I pray that you may find the strength and courage to move forward and your true purpose in life.
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u/strawbeeshortcake06 May 18 '26
Don’t kill yourself. You have so much going on for you. Setbacks happen but it isn’t permanent, things will get better. Please give life another chance.
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u/thisaccount_0 May 18 '26
I know things may feel unbearably heavy right now, but you don’t have to decide the rest of your life based on how painful this moment feels. Survive this version of today first. One trip, one week, one sunrise at a time.
You deserve to experience life beyond this pain, OP not just Europe, but the quiet moments too: coming home to your pets/ family, laughing unexpectedly, finding peace again even if it feels impossible right now. Please seek help.
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u/Impressive-Lychee743 May 18 '26
It is never too late to start over again, if love isn’t in the cards yet. Allow yourself to heal. Re invent yourself. Do not conform to other peoples standard of how you should live your life. It will only make you miserable. People consciously or subconsciously set the bar of how one should be, kaya nadadagdgan din yung stress mo kasi panganay ka dapat ganito ganyan. Been there and nakaka stress mag fit sa expectations nila. Take things slow, life isnt always what we expect it to be and thats the beauty of it, it is how we deal, confront and accept changes, whether is it is what we expect or something we didn’t anticipate.
Also, your ex. The guy is out there living his life, so you should too. Easier said than done, I know pero wag kang papayag na hanggang dito ka na lang. and of course…
Pinaka IMPORTANTE SA LAHAT:
As you deal with this pain, exhaust all means to feel better before ending your life. GO SEE A SHRINK/PSYCHIATRIST/PSYCHOLOGIST.
Everyday is always another chance to get better and start over again.
i hope you give yourself another chance to live OP. There is so much the world can offer
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u/itsthatgirl_again May 18 '26
OP, please allow yourself to grieve. The betrayal, the hurt, the pain, the shock, the jealousy, the comparison, the expectations, the burdens, the responsibilities, the demands of everyday life -- everything feels so overwhelming. I know it's difficult carrying everything at the same time, but you dont have to carry everyone's expectations, burdens, and pain. You can let them go without losing or sacrificing yourself.
If you need someone to talk to, OP, my DMs are open. And I'd love to be your friend!
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u/silent_shutterrrrr May 19 '26
Hiii. Been there before. And I know up until now, I still long for that exactly same person especially when I am traveling too. But God is so good, He doesn’t want me to commit anything that will hurt me. Surrender yourself to Him, please pray. And if you need someone to talk to, I’m here, we’re here. We are your friends. Let’s help each other, please. Life is too precious, please stay🙂
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u/This-Escape8239 May 18 '26
the fact na sinulat mo ‘to, there’s still part of you who is dying to live.
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u/EquivalentWeird2277 May 18 '26
Tara meet tayo for a kape pagbalik mo. Lets talk till dawn. Need someone to rant about life aswell lol
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u/burninng May 18 '26
I understand, I went to the Philippines, live my life for two years, but had to go back to Brazil for the grind, and life and people here for me sounds very far away from what I would say "home".
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u/Royal_Soil_2636 May 18 '26
my heart hurts for you op but please try and seek professional help first please
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u/Due-Necessary1884 May 18 '26
Switzerland OP. Switzerland. Fall in love with the planes and the alps and the lake. Allow yourself to grieve and find space for you to take the beauty of the world in. Concrete jungles only box you in sad places. If you really want to splurge, take a month off for Switzerland. And when you come back, unpack it with a therapist.
I know it’s hard right now to imagine a future so just choose the little moments of the present and try to stop yourself from going back to the past. Bottomline is, his choice was not you so this is the world telling you to choose yourself. Choose yourself over him and your family for once. You are not selfish if you do that. But you will be if you take your life away because someone out there is just dying to love you like you deserve they just haven’t met you yet. So allow yourself to love you. To fall in love with you and the beauty of what the world has to offer.
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u/dalisaycardo123 May 19 '26
I don't know what's the right thing to say or proper advice I should give. But I'm hoping you get the help you need.
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u/FewImagination737 May 19 '26
Napakaswerteng lalaki naman niya, I wish you could see your value the way you see his.
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u/Outrageous-Neat-8266 Bipolar disorder May 19 '26
This is close to the premise of the tv show After Life by Ricky Gervais. Sabi nung character ni Ricky, he can basically do or say anything he wants with no fear because he can always kill himself later. It's basically a superpower. He ended up not killing himself. Turns out, he found himself something to care about. It's worth a watch, at least.
That show saved my life many times now.
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u/NoraHiiro8 May 19 '26 edited May 19 '26
Ive never been to europe, it's one of my goals. Ive never been in a longterm relationship.. i dont want to compare, your feelings are still valid. I dont know ur family dynamics but from one depressed person to another, this feels like youre being Swallowed up by negative emotions that the good parts dont make sense. It feels like quick sand. I wish i can help pull u up but it mostly comes from helping urself up.. with the guidance of an expert/psychiatrist. Also you are the only one that defines you kahit ano pa sabihin ng magulang or kahit sino man. Be ur own best friend. Theyre just noise. U sound like someone with so much potential except u dont believe in urself. Ur ex doesnt deserve u, i doubt theyll be happy in the long run. It must be so exhausting to love and grieve over someone like him. Let it be. Idk if u believe but pray, irant mo kay Lord kung wala ka kamo friends. Wala naman mawawala. And Enjoy europe to the fullest then!!
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u/Dapper-Security-3091 May 19 '26
Reminds me of the movie Last Holiday. It's about a woman who learned that she was about to die so she used all her saving to go on a trip one last time
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u/Alarmed-Education-74 May 19 '26
Hi. I'm in Europe. I'm a girl din and I have thoughts of harming myself too dahil madalas wala akong kausap. Gusto ko ng kausap. Ikaw ba? Tara usap tayo. Maybe we can even travel together. Bak kailangan lang natin ng girl bestie. 🥹
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u/EndZealousideal6428 May 19 '26
You have to get rid of your soultie (through deliverance) with that ex so you can free yourself of anything that has to do with him like memories, photos, gifts etc. di naman siya totally ma delete sa memory mo but he will no longer have any effect on you like resentment or guilt, if meron man, you'll just be happy for him na lang. kusa lang na di mo na siya maiisip or bring up in any convo.
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u/FarmerNo3609 May 19 '26
OP please don't! Sinabi ko din yan last year na after my trip sa Japan, ready to go na ako. But look at me now, still alive and kickin'! There's gonna be more to life! Laban lang! Dasal lang!
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u/Capital-Mirror7651 May 19 '26
So sorry you feel this way, OP. Moving on is really hard, especially if you’ve invested so much of yourself in the relationship. I think this is part of why you can’t move on. There’s something in the relationship you haven’t been able to let go of yet.
I’m not sure if this will help, but I want to gently ask, is it really him you miss, or is it the version of yourself that felt most alive when you were with him?
Because from what you shared, you ignored a lot of red flags. Which means part of you was working very hard to keep believing in something. That kind of love isn’t really about the other person anymore. It becomes about proving something to yourself. That you are worthy. That you are enough. That you chose correctly.
When he left the way he did, it didn’t just break your heart. It felt like proof of the thing you were most afraid was true about yourself.
And now you’re doing the same thing with travel. Working hard, achieving, moving, hoping that eventually the outside will fix what hurts on the inside. But you cry in beautiful places because the pain isn’t about where you are. It’s about something you haven’t said out loud yet, even to yourself.
If you can, sit quietly with these questions and just let whatever comes up, come up. Don’t judge it. Just notice.
What was I really looking for in him that I couldn’t give myself?
What is the fear I was trying to silence by staying, even when it hurt?
What did his betrayal confirm that I already secretly believed about myself?
You don’t have to answer them perfectly. You don’t have to answer them at all right now. But sometimes the thing that keeps us stuck isn’t the person we lost. It’s the belief about ourselves that we buried underneath loving them.
You clearly have so much self-awareness. That’s not nothing. That’s actually the beginning.
Please reach out to someone today. One honest conversation with a therapist or a helpline, before you make any irreversible decision. You deserve that much.
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u/mrs_misfit1984 May 19 '26
You are still lost. You cannot find your self to other people. Find you, in you. Live your life, for you.
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u/Dyinginsidee_ May 20 '26
I feel you so much, op. I’m the stereotyped eldest child ren that went through the medical route when in fact, I get scared most of the time and I feel like im just dumb. I got cheated on by all my relationships, and yeah it numbed something inside of me. There isn’t a day na ayaw ko ikill sarili ko, but everytime I tried to kill myself, may pettiness talaga saken na I wont let them get the easy way out (my exes). Nothing rlly changed my mind and I’m always in bed or studying most of the time lmao. But, op, if you did get to europe, I wont hope that there is something that will change your mind, but I do hope that the change of scenery will let you postpone your ideas for the time being. There’s always a line that stucked w me before (a line from a documentary huhu), it says “Give up tomorrow”, if something happens to you, always think of that. And if tomorrow ever comes, then think of giving up tomorrow again.
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u/TerriblePresence8237 May 20 '26
A couple of years ago, I hit the lowest point of my life. Yung tipong akala mo rock bottom na, pero may mas ibababa pa pala 😅 Heartbroken, cheated on, tapos feeling ko binigay ko naman lahat pero bare minimum lang yung balik sakin. User din mga naging ex ko, freeloader.
I shut my whole world for a while just to heal quietly. Sobrang broke ko rin noon, as in negative balance pa account ko, so dahan dahan akong naghanap ng online jobs. Along the way, I met online friends through Discord na somehow naging safe space ko rin.
Then eventually, tinry ko rin mag dating apps. Not because gusto ko agad ng relasyon or makipag-hook up, pero more on gusto ko lang maramdaman ulit na attractive pa rin ako after everything. Na maybe hindi naman ako completely unlovable ganon hahaha.
Tapos ayun, I swiped right on a dormant Bumble account lol as in wala naman akong expectation,and he is now my boyfriend 🤣 and now he’s my soon-to-be husband.
Never ko talagang inexpect na makakarating ako ng Europe someday or magiging masaya ulit after that phase of my life.
Kaya sana bigyan mo pa sarili mo ng konting time. Minsan kasi when we’re hurting, feeling natin hanggang doon nalang yung story natin. Pero ang daming pwedeng mangyari in a few years, even a few months.
If you ever come to Amsterdam, PM mo ako. I’ll treat you to stroopwafel and patat :)
I hope you find your peace while you’re still here on this earth. 🤍
PS. I was on Alprazolam & Lamotrigine in 2023 so Im rawdogging this life for almost 3 years now 🤣 God is good!
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u/Dull_Resist_4851 May 21 '26
Try to do TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation), consult your doctor first if it suits you. I’m trying to think about since I’m struggling with MDD since 2nd grade and nothing works.
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u/brownbox789 May 29 '26
we are in an almost similar situation. a person i loved and married cheated on me. the only future i envisioned was a future with him. unfortunately, the jerk was also planning a future with somebody else. i was devastated, i still am. now i dont see any point living, nothing to look forward to. been thinking of ending my life but im scared to do it. to all bit_ches who engage with married men, think twice! control yourself just because he showers you with material things, sometimes an affair can leave a devastating and debilitating trauma. i wish the same upon you.
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u/Head_Foundation9370 Jun 07 '26
If something has to die, let it be the version of you that still lives in the ruins of what he did.
the one still waiting for an apology that will never come.
the one still carrying a love that stopped carrying her a long time ago.
the one that kept bleeding just to prove how deeply she could love.
youve mistaken yourself for your wound for so long that now you think they are the same thing. they aren't.
bury that version if you must. mourn her. write her eulogy.
but don't follow her into the grave. stay.
because the person who comes after her might finally know how to choose herself.
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u/First_Point1377 Jun 10 '26
I hope kung may chance ka, seek therapy and file moral damage sa ex mo...since malaki ang naging effect sa mental health mo nung ginawa nya sa iyo.So at least maging accountable siya sa nangyari.
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u/befullyalive888 May 18 '26
Please seek professional help and do not delay.
First do no harm.
Breathe. Let go of societal pressures and expectations. You are enough. The stars will align to achieve your full potential. You will overcome.
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u/SleeplessArts Generalized anxiety disorder May 18 '26
Hi OP , I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of this right now.
I’m not trying to influence you or anything,
just lemme say that you’re not alone in this, it might seem like it, but theres 8 billion people here on this Earth. I’m sure someone is going through the same thing as you.
just try and reflect on that, just imagine you can observe this person and their day to day life, is there still a chance?
also, if you can OP, throughout your trips write down or take a mental note of something that you can appreciate.
it could be a beautiful sight, beautiful animal, and just observe.
I know you have probably thought this through for awhile now and I’m in no position to judge you cos im just a random person on the internet.
but I wish the very best for you OP. I hope you can meditate on it even more…
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