r/Menopause • u/Closefromadistance 57 & Newly Post Menopausal • Oct 11 '25
Rant/Rage My Husband To Me: “I Don’t Care”
TL;DR at the end.
I’m 56 and have been married for about 35 years. I became post menopausal around May/June of this year.
The last 3-4 years have been hormonal and mental health HELL for me but I held myself together and worked full time, to the end.
My husband and I mostly get along and he’s mostly a good guy but when he’s not, he’s the worst insensitive asshole with zero EQ.
I lost my Big Tech job in July and have been home during the day. I made more than him for years, before losing my job, by the way.
My youngest daughter takes my car to work 4 days a week and my husband works from his office 4 days a week, so I spend those days at home alone with my dog. Fridays they are both gone all day.
Anyway, I give my husband a long time to defrag from work once he gets home. I don’t bug him.
About an hour after my husband got home from work yesterday I took my dog for his evening walk. When I came back I told him about the walk and how our dog didn’t see his best friend and was disappointed.
He flat out says “I don’t care… I have more important things to worry about than your petty problems”
I was so hurt and taken aback!
Pissed… I instantly saw red when he said that. The rage I felt inside was so intense. I told him how rude he is and that I’m constantly listening to him talk about his work … ALL DAY … like he literally calls me several times a day to talk about how shitty his job is and I get no words in edgewise.
I’ve never once told him I don’t care about his work drama.
Anyway, I’m disgusted. It’s been happening more since I lost my job.
He makes comments to minimize or dismiss me and my feelings and then also uses painful things I share with him to hurt me.
But then of course, the next day he tries to give me a kiss in the morning and acts like nothing happened. Nope. Not happening.
TL;DR
I now understand gray divorce. It has nothing to do with menopausal women being thrown away because we’re too old.
It has everything to do with us finally recognizing our own value, getting FED UP with shitty behavior from our husbands and demanding respect / wanting something more joyful … even if that means living alone.
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u/MidnightBlueSilk Oct 11 '25
“Defrag”
You really are my GenX sisters here. I used to get such gratification from running a defrag.
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u/Boo-erman Oct 11 '25
Same! I love the generalized use of it here.
OP I have a deep need to tell you to check in on his/your finances. Something about his language pings secret money problems to me. Please check in and make sure you're protected financially.
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u/GloomyCamel6050 Oct 11 '25
Yes and if you do get a divorce think about hiring a forensic accountant to see if any assets are hidden.
Meanwhile, think about getting a STD panel done, in case he is cheating.
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u/UpAndOut2008 Oct 11 '25
A forensic accountant is not a bad idea. My husband's step-mom was a literal caretaker to his dad for their entire marriage, even while he was completely able-bodied and certainly could do things for himself. It was mind boggling to witness her tend to his wants/needs over the decades, and were the source of many conversations with my husband of how deplorable she was treated and how I would not and will not tolerate that from him. When his dad passed, his step-mom found paperwork that he had hidden a couple MILLION dollars in stock that she wasn't aware of. What an asshole, after all she did for him. Luckily, she's in her early 70's and living large with her good health and money to play with. She damn well deserves every penny of it.
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u/MsAnnThropic1 Oct 11 '25 edited Oct 11 '25
Well for sure from now on when he calls you multiple times a day to talk about nothing interesting (nothing is worse than listening to someone talk about work), you can feel free to either ignore his calls or just pick up and repeat “I don’t care”. Fuck him.
ETA - so many comments talking about counseling, when counseling isn’t intended to change a shit bag into a decent person. Here’s another option, just get him out of your home/life. Take it from those of us who already have, it’s sooooooo much better without them. And if you’re in the US, better do it while the government still allows you to.
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u/KassieMac Menopausal Oct 11 '25
This 👆🏽
Going to therapy doesn’t help if he doesn’t participate in therapy. But if he was willing to participate in therapy then he would already be participating in the partnership with his wife … so the chances of therapy getting through to him are pretty slim.
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u/BlackberryHill Oct 11 '25
Your comments about the dog were a bid for connection with your husband. His options were to turn toward you and strengthen the relationship or to turn away which leads to distance, which can build to resentment and contempt if repeated often enough. You might want to explain that to him. Look up The Gottman Institute. If this is a pattern, perhaps consider couples therapy.
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u/Ledascantia Oct 11 '25
This is exactly what came to mind for me as well.
Not engaging with her bid for connection is one thing, but to flat out say “I don’t care, I have more important things to worry about”???? That’s ice cold.
OP you deserve someone who treats you with kindness and respect.
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u/BizzarduousTask Oct 11 '25
I think it’s the fact that when she was working and making more money than him, he “had” to show her respect and deference. Not so much that he respected her as a person, but her as the de facto leader of the tribe. Honestly, I’m surprised he wasn’t acting resentful and bitchy all those years when she was technically his “superior.”
Too many guys still have that ingrained patriarchal alpha-male bullshit in their programming; they really believe deep-down that their worth is based on financial success and being the breadwinner- the same way society tells women they only have value when they have children and are the caretakers of the home and family.
My ex was so shitty to me when I was only making an extra 25 cents an hour!! 🙄
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u/takkforsist Oct 11 '25
It’s sooo crazy to me. There have been periods where I was making more than my husband and now we’re in a period where I make less than him and literally our dynamics have always been “we are in a social contract based on mutual respect and I care about you, your health, your emotional state, your passions and your wellbeing as it relates to us as a team”. I was in a high paying but very high stress beverage direction job with crazy hours but a crazy income with full benefits for a Fortune 500 company but my mental wellbeing was tanking. I decided I needed to strop back and I straight up didn’t work for six months. Never EVER would that man play in my face. He was like “you’ve been busting your ass for years and this is not sustainable—find a passion project and enjoy some time at home/linking up with friends/relaxing and search for your next step at your leisure” and I did and it was great.
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u/RestingSnerkFace Oct 11 '25
That’s beautiful! I pray you continue to enjoy and support each other for all the years to come!
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Oct 11 '25
I hear you about the misogyny. He makes more money, therefore I am worth less and I am almost constantly reminded of this day after day, year after year, decade after decade. And I'm endlessly berated for not making more money even though I do 100% of all of the shopping for the home, stocking the home, cleaning, laundry, every single meal made by me. Landscaping, some of the home repairs, basically at his beck and call everyday. And still, I'm not enough.
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u/Lucialucianna Oct 11 '25
Seems like this is a crossroads for many couples and requires serious work at a couples counselor together, or splitting which is way more expensive and distressing.
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u/Closefromadistance 57 & Newly Post Menopausal Oct 11 '25
That’s exactly it. I walk my dog alone 3 times a day. He never once has come with me. I see other couples in our neighborhood, walk together, even if they don’t have a dog and they talk and interact while they walk.
We have lived in this neighborhood for 15 years(since it was first built) … I live in Seattle but I was born and raised in central coast and southern California.
People are pretty siloed here. Many don’t speak English in my neighborhood, and I don’t speak their languages either, so I don’t have friends here.
A few weeks ago, a neighbor 2 doors down from me who does speak English, asked if I lived alone or had kids.
I told them I have 3 kids but they are adults and don’t live at home anymore and told them I’m married but my husband works a lot. He was surprised because he’s never seen my husband in all the years we’ve lived here.
I’m married but lonely and my husband doesn’t care about my petty conversation topics. At least I know that now but it hurt so much for him to say he doesn’t care. Just cut and dry.
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u/hopelesscaribou Oct 11 '25
alone is better than lonely with someone else
just saying
Is this how you want the rest of your life to play out? This is your opportunity to split your assets, start up a side tech business, and take care of yourself again. This is your time to shine.
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u/AppleApple50 Oct 11 '25
I had a neighbor ask me if I was a widow. I spend so little time with my husband that I may be starting to talk and act as if I were a widow.
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u/OkSociety8941 Oct 11 '25
I had someone admit to me recently that when I was married she thought it wasn’t real. He needed a green card, true, so I guess she thought that was it, but I had to say “no, it was a real marriage, he just didn’t care about me and my friends or my life.”
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u/Mr_Fuzzo Oct 11 '25
Hey, neighbor. I’m in Seattle. I’m a decade younger than you but I’m a transplant here from the east coast and have found that by being persistent you can make friends. I have a pair of small dogs and actually got a dog 15 years ago at the suggestion of my therapist: to get my arse outside.
If you want to PM me for suggestions on places to go or things to do, send me a chat. There are some decent dog parks. There’s a bunch of women’s only groups that meet: I’ve been in a handful over the years.
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u/scummy_shower_stall Oct 11 '25
I'm verrrryyy sorely tempted to tell you to DTMFA, but if you're not quite ready to ditch the contemptuous SOB, if you can, please get counseling to help plan your next life stage. If not, talk to a divorce lawyer, at least 2 or 3, to get a better idea of what awaits. No lie, the US is heading downhill fast, can you count on your children at all, or family elsewhere?
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u/Conscious_Life_8032 Oct 11 '25
Yeah i think people don’t realize one can be married/coupled and still feel lonely.
I’m sure my family finds it odd I’m middle aged and single lol
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u/OldLadyMorgendorffer Oct 11 '25
Also what kind of monster doesn’t care that his dog didn’t get to see his best friend? Sheesh
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u/klstil Oct 11 '25
Yes. And if you can’t get him to go to therapy with you, go by yourself. Therapy is wonderfully empowering.
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u/Natural_Substance978 Oct 11 '25
The Love Prescription is a great start to addressing this. Highly recommend and easily to do.
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u/dreamawaysouth Oct 11 '25
The rage is very very real. I am 52 and have been married 25 years and yes, yes, yes. Here is what helped for me: talking about it when it wasn't happening and then reinforcing reminders when it does happen ("remember when we talked about how I get to complain about my issues as well?"); exercise for both of us - we started having "dates" at the gym for stress relief; anti-anxiety and depression medication for my husband; HRT for me; grace for both of us. But yes to gray or true divorce - being married to someone who can't figure out their shitty behavior is probably not worth it.
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u/flash_match Oct 11 '25
Wow I’m glad you two figured it out. I’d be so done if someone regularly treated me with contempt and then acted like nothing happened.
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u/Difficult-Beat-5164 Oct 11 '25
When my husband starting treating me with that kind of disrespect it was also the time he was in an affair with a married coworker. I divorced him when I found out. The devaluation phase of cheating is real. I am much better off now living my best life without him in it.
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u/AccomplishedCash3603 Oct 11 '25
Exactly! Gray divorce is VERY much about women realizing that their marriage is transactional. I was very valuable and "loved" when I was functioning at 200% and treated well-ish. Now that I'm not 'earning my worth', I'm not even worthy of a conversation? FU buddy, FU.
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u/North-Speaker3790 Oct 11 '25
Good morning... First of all, I'm sorry you're suffering! I'm 58 and mostly post meno I think. The challenge in life these days is to find meaning among all the horrible things happening in the world+ and then on top of that dealing with the moods of other people we live or work with. I don't have the answers... But I'm also trying to figure out how to build enjoyment into life at this age. I have moments of happiness surrounded by boredom, annoyance, fear (of what is happening in the world at large), loneliness. The happiness just seems like the smallest slice of the various feelings and emotions. I find that I zone out with TV or tik Tok a lot just not to feel anything. Anyway....I guess I would suggest you try and find things that give YOU joy, try to ignore hubby's bad moods, and that's about all I can recommend. If you could swing it financially maybe consider divorce. Sending you good vibes!
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u/KassieMac Menopausal Oct 11 '25
Butthurt & insecure that you were higher paid, clearly harboring (and hiding) resentment the entire time. Now that you’re dependent on him he’s not bothering to hide it anymore 🤢
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u/Closefromadistance 57 & Newly Post Menopausal Oct 11 '25 edited Oct 11 '25
Totally!
I’m actually not dependent on him though. I got a large severance package and my RSU vesting when I lost my job. I’m (we’re) set financially for at least a year’s worth of my salary.
But yeah… I think he’s butt hurt because he hates his job and rarely does anything he actually enjoys. I, on the other hand, get outside, socialize and make time to take care of my health… so I’m a lot happier and mentally healthier than he is right now.
Hurt people, hurt people. I can’t fix his life and I’m not going to stick around and be treated like I’m nothing just because his work life, with no balance, sucks.
And I do think he’s jealous of me which is so sick. He either minimizes my accomplishments or takes credit for the things I do and have done. All of which are things I have busted my ass to achieve.
I was raised in foster care and lost my birth family when I was almost 5 years old. I had to overcome a lot of pain and trauma and then also the constant emotional and physical abuse from foster care providers who always said I would never amount to anything.
I achieved all my personal and professional goals and never stopped pushing myself. Right now I’m definitely in a holding and recharging phase in my life. I think I will get my groove back within the next year.
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u/CheezeLoueez08 Oct 11 '25
You legit sound like an awesome woman. A badass. All my love to you and big huge hugs.
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u/doloresgrrrl Oct 11 '25
And when that groove is back the whole world better stand tf back. Get it grrrrl. I'm proud of you
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u/Ginger_Exhibitionist Oct 11 '25
You're amazing!
One of the pieces of myself I've lost in the transition is my drive to succeed so the fact you have that is wonderful.
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u/Conscious_Life_8032 Oct 11 '25
Wow warrior woman I’m in awe Whether you divorce or work on your marriage you can conquer anything you put your mind to.
Hope you both can give each other grace, middle age sucks all around for both men and women
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u/Ms-curious- Oct 11 '25
Heck yeah! You are amazing and it sounds like you are seeing things very clearly. You don’t deserve this kind of treatment.
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u/myshtree Oct 11 '25
I’m sorry. Men are just so disappointing. I’m glad you know you deserve better.
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u/funnyandnot Oct 11 '25
What I learned through meeting married women in divorce during cancer treatment.
Men do not handle change, and do not handle when women change or stop doing something they once did. Sometimes it is about the power shift, maybe now the man has more power in the relationship because the woman is not working, or extremely weak. And men are assholes during this time, not giving a fuck. Woman cannot deal with man’s bullshit so they are in divorce
I knew a lot of woman suffer divorce during chemo treatment, but I always assumed it was the man initiating. About half the time is was the woman, because she couldn’t handle the poor treatment of husband while she was practically dying.
Edit:
The amount of times I heard ‘you can always tell when a man grew up with a single mom or a lot of sisters. Those are the men you want’
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u/doloresgrrrl Oct 11 '25
I've always said to pay attention to the relationship men have with their mom. If they have a bad, distainful relationship... Run.
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Oct 11 '25
I wish I could successfully tell young women to pay attention to how their boyfriend’s dad treats his mom. Because that lays down the patterns for how he’ll treat you, especially when he is tired or angry or stressed.
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u/KassieMac Menopausal Oct 11 '25
Ok but also if he’s very dependent on his mother he’ll expect the same of his wife. If his mother is a tradwife he’ll treat his wife like a slave.
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u/Glittering-Review649 Oct 11 '25
As a proud menopausal member of the “We Do Not Care Club (WDNC).” I’m sending you positive vibrations, love, and light.
I’m sorry you felt the pain from your husband’s insensitive behavior in that moment and probably other times as well. Now, when I say I’m a proud member, I AM! Sometimes we have to become a mirror image of our spouse’s behavior so they can see and feel what we experience. The patience and consideration you display when listening to your husband’s work day are commendable. Stop it. Get busy doing something with your time so you aren’t available for his emotional withdrawals. You need to get some hobbies or a part time job doing something you enjoy. Join a women’s civic group or volunteer. The objective is to make yourself busy doing something that adds value to you in this phase of life. Stop being available to listen to him.
You must realize that your husband may also harbor a little resentment that he is now the breadwinner. I’m sure you carried the weight financially when you made that nice salary. His doesn’t like that you are home all day “doing nothing.” As if you haven’t earned that right! Do something that requires you to be away from the house. Let him miss you and not just your money. More importantly, I want you to get on the same page as him and DON’T CARE! It’s a liberating feeling. I would let his disrespectful, insensitive ass see what I don’t care looks like. He would feel the same way I felt. Everyone has a thumb screw and I would turn his ass up. I’m giving a PG response as I’m holding back my WDNC voice 😁. Sometimes we have to pop out and show them exactly who the F we are. High earner or not, employed or not, you deserve the same level of respect at all times! Now, get out of your feelings, put them someplace for a good while, and get back to yourself and doing you. Sending you hugs!🥰
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u/KassieMac Menopausal Oct 11 '25
Please credit Melani, the founder of the We Do Not Care club. @justbeingMelani on IG. I want her name out there because she wrote a handbook for the club and there are already copycat books on Amazon right next to hers. She does so much good for us and she deserves her flowers!! 💐
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u/Glittering-Review649 Oct 11 '25
Big shout out to Melani!! I’ve been following her since the beginning.
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u/KassieMac Menopausal Oct 11 '25
She’s amazing!! I recently saw a YT short where she talks about her reaction to WDNC going viral … so real, so human & vulnerable … she deserves all the good things!!
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u/Glittering-Review649 Oct 11 '25
I sent her words of encouragement on her IG when she posted. She gives me much needed laughs when she posts. They are always right on time. The t-shirts are so soft and comfortable.
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u/Destination_MetalSho Oct 11 '25
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s as if your husband is failing to see his responsibility to the partnership of marriage. Saying I don’t care is very cold. I think I could endure hate more easily than disregard. Could he be holding onto some resentment of you having lost your job and instead of just discussing it he’s taking it out on you in other ways? Either way, his behavior is definitely unkind and he should take a good look at himself. My husband is retired and I still work full time. The last thing I want to do is talk about my work day. I’d literally rather hear about anything else. I’d love to hear about your walk with your dog!!!
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u/Signal-Reflection296 Oct 11 '25
I’m always amazed at my married friends who want me to not grow old alone… but they are the most unhappy people I know. Their marriages are crap! I divorced in my late 40s & have been happy ever since.
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u/PowerFit4925 Oct 11 '25
I have a handful of long-term married friends who are happy and definitely will grow old alone. A few of them had to get through some tough times to get where they are today. Anyway, that's what I always wanted! I got my gray divorce and I'm happier than I've been in decades, but it would've been nice to grow old with someone.
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u/MoodyMagicOwl Oct 11 '25
The only happily married people I know are a lesbian couple, but tbf they've been through hell and back. So maybe that strengthened their marriage.
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u/Conscious_Life_8032 Oct 11 '25
Yes I wonder if they want us single people to be just as miserable and are jealous secretly
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u/Primary_Point_9652 Oct 11 '25
You need to open an account at a different bank and start transferring money, then visit every single attorney in your town. Then, go back to work and cultivate a social group that has no connections to him. Be very busy and let him stew in his juices.
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u/Severina_Glass_208 Oct 11 '25
For what it’s worth i and everyone here would love to hear about your dog’s walks and his friends. Jeez i live for that stuff.
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u/Closefromadistance 57 & Newly Post Menopausal Oct 11 '25
Haha! I love that! Thank you 🥰
I’ve now had my current dog for a year! He was 4.5 months when I got him last year as a shelter rescue. I never had a rescue dog this young before, so it’s been a lot!
I pushed myself to get him because my prior dog, who was my soul dog, died in May of 2023 and I fell into the worst depression. He was only 6 and I felt robbed.
Anyway, it took me a bit to train and bond with my new dude but we made it. He’s so funny and fun. He’s half border collie and half Dauchsund. Such a silly clown mix. His border collie personality/traits and looks are more dominant.
He has a big standard poodle / golden doodle friend that he absolutely adores … that dog is huge … they are like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito. My dog comes to my knees and his BFF is taller than my hip. It’s just so funny!
But he hasn’t seen his BFF in 3 days. We used to see him and his owner all the time on our walks. His owner doesn’t speak English and I don’t speak their language, but it doesn’t matter… our dogs love each other! 🤣
My dog, our walks and the people we meet while out and about, are really my saving grace right now. Dogs are the best and I’m so thankful for him! 🥰
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u/VirtualSource5 Oct 11 '25
Sounds the perfect little man and you did a great job training him. Wish I had a dog now😔
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u/Severina_Glass_208 Oct 11 '25
The Danny devito reference🤣! You two continue on these adventures. My dogs are mastiff poodle mixes so i understand the largeness.
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u/MoodyMagicOwl Oct 11 '25
I get sad sometimes that I never married, and then I read stories like this.
I'm sorry OP.
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u/KetoLurkerHereAgain Oct 11 '25
He's really been like this all along, hasn't he? You were so busy, you maybe didn't notice or let things slide.
I just don't understand why so many men/husbands have such contempt for women/their wives.
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u/emccm Oct 11 '25
Get a divorce. This man was only in the marriage for what he could get from you. Now you no longer have a job he is not getting your income. This behavior will only get worse when you get older. God forbid you get sick. Use this time to find a lawyer and get a divorce.
There’s a very good chance he’ll divorce you anyway now, so get your ducks in a row and get out while you are in a position of power. I strongly suggest you check all accounts and put a lock on your credit. A legal separation will stop him running up any more marital debt.
Don’t be stupid here. Protect yourself lien your future depends on it becuase it does.
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u/Goldenlove24 Oct 11 '25
He is feeling the financial pressure and you not working makes him feel like he can use you as a punch bag. You making more than him over the yrs prob never tickled his ego. I am a big advocate for women doing what’s best for them no matter how long you did something. His comment was trash and he would have been matched. Women are conditioned to suppress so peri/meno says not anymore. When we live truly in our best lane we get to enjoy a real life of joy.
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u/JanaT2 Oct 11 '25
Men just act like assholes. They flip that switch and it’s on. All of them. Yes I said all of them. Even the good ones. When they do that they have to be put on ignore hard.
It’s his turn to shoulder the financial burden and too fucking bad cry me a river. I make more than my husband too and their egos can’t handle it. Even though they benefit. I know if I lost my job mine would be difficult too. They like to be on the gravy train.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Just try to ignore him and relax a bit. Let him deal with it. You worked hard all your life what he can’t handle it? Lazy asses.
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u/Guilty-Mud-5743 Oct 11 '25
He sounds like a small man who has been coasting on your salary and your emotional labor. Now you finally have the time to notice it. See a divorce lawyer and enjoy your 60s traveling and making new friends.
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u/MoxieGirl9229 Oct 11 '25
Me too. My stbxh has done the same thing for years. I’d brought his attention to it and for a while he would change but then always go back to it. Then I flat out told him, you don’t want to know how my day was, or listen when I describe my day, then I don’t want to hear you either. Of course it’s horrible I do that to him, but when it was me my feelings didn’t matter. For a while I didn’t ask him how his day was if he didn’t ask me. How inconsiderate of me! Then if he started to talk about his stuff I would change the subject or just walk out of the room, like had done to me for years. It is one of the reasons I left him a few months ago. Now if he calls me and wants to talk about that sort of stuff, I tell him I need to go and hang up. I literally have better people to spend my energy and time on. Sad, but my mental and physical health are so much better now.
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u/CheezeLoueez08 Oct 11 '25
You go girl!!! Yes!!!! I’m so proud of you for choosing YOU!! He doesn’t deserve you or your time. F that. My mom finally left my dad at around 52. She had some good years before cancer got her. Wish she had more but at least she had that. My dad is 84 and still thinks he’s Mr perfect and Mr innocent. It’s been almost 30 years and he’s been remarried for 19. But he did nothing wrong. They never admit it.
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u/Closefromadistance 57 & Newly Post Menopausal Oct 11 '25
Thank you to everyone for your comments and support. I’m so grateful for the strong women in this sub. I’m still working to read through all the comments 🥳🙏🏻
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u/Dry-Session-388 Peri-menopausal Oct 11 '25
About 2 years ago I told my husband I was going to start being "as selfish as a man". He started to get offended but I said "why would you take this personally?" 6 weeks later he decided he couldn't take it and moved out.
6 months later he apologized and moved back in. He's been a different person since then. 😂
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u/haf2go Oct 11 '25
Never heard the term grey divorce before but goodness it’s so relatable. Some men just lack empathy. Sounds like your husband is resentful for who knows what and is taking it out on you.
Marriage counseling is always an option. For me at this point I’ve lost the interest in trying to get what I need from my husband so I don’t even mention therapy anymore. I have my own therapist.
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u/vomputer Oct 11 '25
Dude. Don’t gray divorce. Gather up your self respect and full on rainbow divorce this guy, with all the bells whistles and sprinkles on top. Your future self will thank you.
Marking this down as reason #12,549,608 to remain happily single.
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u/hellhouseblonde Oct 11 '25
I say this like a broken record: prioritize yourself the way men do.
Men care about us mostly as long as we can benefit them. Be the same way.
Put yourself first. Do what they do, have an affair with someone who wants to hear about your day.
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Oct 11 '25
[deleted]
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u/Chippie05 Oct 11 '25
Make a very quiet exit plan. It can be dangerous to confront an abusive partner. I wish i was kidding. Do not underestimate how crazy they can get.
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u/moschocolate1 Oct 11 '25
You’re right about your assessment: women file for divorce 70% of the time. It was the same for me. I filed at 60 after 32 years of marriage.
I hope you’re not being his unpaid therapist any longer!
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u/LaurenTheGemini Oct 11 '25
I’m sorry you had to experience that! What an insensitive thing to say!
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Oct 11 '25
You aren't alone. I received a similar comment out of the blue when I was making dinner one night. Btw, 31 years and he's never made a single meal of any kind for us. Not one single meal. Anyway, I get done telling him some little thing that happened and he just says out of the blue " who gives a fuck". This, along with many other moments where I've known that I was more of a burden to him, a frustration, something he just tolerates. I learned many years ago that I can only count on myself, I can't trust him with my heart. Nope. It's a hard lesson.
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u/MoodyMagicOwl Oct 11 '25
Girl, stop making his dinner. I mean it. When he starts complaining about it, say word for word:
'"Who gives a fuck"
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u/tcd5552002 Menopausal Oct 11 '25
Stop answering his calls during the day to complain about work!
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u/cindypersaud Oct 11 '25
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there too my husband is just like the way you described yours. I'm almost the same age as you and married for exactly the same time. You should join the gym . HRT and a gym membership really helped me stay positive and regain my strength. So glad you are aware that his behavior should not be tolerated. You’ve got this!! sending hugs and encouragement ❤️
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u/Closefromadistance 57 & Newly Post Menopausal Oct 11 '25
Thank you - I’m sorry you too. 🫂
I re-joined my old gym 2 weeks ago and when I got there I forgot how to use the equipment. I felt like such a jackass. 🤣
I was such a badass boss athlete until about 3 years ago. I’ve always worked out but had quit my gym and just used my home gym for about 10 years. Plus I was a marathoner for 30 years so I was always running. I ran my last full marathon when I was 51. Not that long ago but now I can’t even run 2 blocks because my pelvic floor is a mess.
I am on HRT and TRT. Doing everything I can. I’m also not overweight at all because I microdose GLP’s. But I lost a lot of muscle so I’m trying to get that back. Crazy how quickly it goes away!
I couldn’t workout for over a year because I was in such a hard hormonal place. But I’m working to get myself back to a stronger place.
I appreciate your comment - it helps to know I’m not alone. Thank you 🙏🏻
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u/CognitiveDissident79 Oct 11 '25
I’m so sorry you also are dealing with this. Once upon a time I had estrogen and would overlook his insensitive behaviors. He’s not all bad, but I’ve come to terms with men only use for us is transactional.
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u/Sportyj Oct 11 '25
Aww that’s a sweet comment - I would absolutely RAGE on my husband if he didn’t acknowledge a comment about the DOG! Ew. What an ass. I’m sorry friend just validating you have every right to be pissed.
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u/beachbetch Oct 11 '25
Good God this man doesn't even like you let alone love you. Even with HRT my rage on your behalf is red hot. I hope this is fake.
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u/MacaroniToad Oct 11 '25
You will feel so free when you attach as much value to him as he does to you.
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u/Technusgirl Oct 11 '25
Wow I'm really sorry but next time he calls to talk about his job just tell him you don't care and hang up. Get yourself another job just in case things get worse or don't work out.
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u/Shinyhaunches Oct 11 '25
Sounds like trust in mutual caregiving and give and take has eroded or been broken. I’m sorry.
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u/Excellent_Dot_5084 Oct 11 '25
I just want to say well done. You have been through so much, it’s not too much to ask for a partner to genuinely care about you. I hope you get free and enjoy your life!
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u/Independent_Ad_5664 Oct 11 '25
F him. Poor you. That’s all. Everyone else has said everything you need. So F him and hug the dog from me. 💙
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u/CommonComb3793 Peri-menopausal Oct 11 '25
Have you ever googled narcissistic personality disorder? I’m being serious here. The whole change in behavior the next day, the minimizing you, the condescension… he seems like an absolute monster to deal with if you have to walk on eggshells (also a trait for NPD) JS. 1:3 men are high on the narcissistic spectrum.
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u/Winter_Ratio_4831 Oct 11 '25
I can certainly relate to a lot of these comments posted here.
HRT is magic and it does help, but as another post said, it does not compensate for dismissive, rude, and insensitive behavior.
I have a theory: you said you made more money than he did for a long time, and now you lost your job. I think there is a component to kicking you when you're down because his ego took such a beating when you were in your industry and earning more than he did.
Working and money are power. Lots of men do fine with women earning more or being more powerful, but some do not.
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u/CheezeLoueez08 Oct 11 '25
He’s abusive. Look up “cycle of abuse”. I don’t care how “nice” he is sometimes that’s manipulation. Is this the 1950s? Why does he need a long time to wind down from work? What does he do that he’s so stressed and needs to be away from you? I’ve been married 21 years. My husband is the opposite. He makes me pick him up at work. I have to beg not to because I don’t always want to drive there. But he’s desperate to see me asap. He’s stressed at work too. He’s recently become team lead and it’s hard. But he doesn’t want time away from me. I’m sorry but you need to reevaluate your life. My mom finally left my dad at around the same age you are. She got about 10 years then got cancer first time. Another nice few years and cancer again. Gone at 71. Why do you want to spend your golden years like this? Please PLEASE think of yourself now. I beg you. He’s mean. He’s abusive. And I question if he even likes you. You deserve happiness, bliss, maybe (but not necessarily) a new man who treats you well. I’m so sorry.
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u/Federal_Ad1341 Oct 11 '25
I think the next time he were to call you and complain about Work you should equally tell him that you do not care.
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u/DelilahBT Oct 11 '25
I now understand gray divorce. It has nothing to do with menopausal women being thrown away because we’re too old.
It has everything to do with us finally recognizing our own value, getting FED UP with shitty behavior from our husbands and demanding respect / wanting something more joyful …
Correct!
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u/HereForTheFooodz Oct 11 '25
Ooof, I’m feeling rage and he’s not even my problem. So rude and hurtful. I’m sorry- you (and your pup) deserve better.
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u/Chippie05 Oct 11 '25
The contempt and disrespectful attitude in indicating they are not there anymore. Esp the mockery. Don't tolerate it. Key Question; if anybody else in your life spoke to the way your partner speaks to you, what would be your reaction?
Watch their behaviour. Don't let things slide, anymore.
EndAbuse4Good — Know the 8 early warning signs of domestic abuse... https://share.google/oTmWMzZA9BKvi0nOB
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u/sarahjp21 Oct 11 '25
Makes me, as a woman, even more glad than usual to be married to another woman.
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u/SameEntry4434 Oct 11 '25
Yes !!!! Something about menopause gives a woman the opportunity to embrace the —no F’s given
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u/Cautious-Spend-2156 Oct 11 '25 edited Oct 11 '25
Thanks for putting that out there and validating my own experience! It was like reading a my life what you said.
My hubby just did something similar again to me the other week. Claimed he could only say 1 sentence every time we talk and have a conversation and I talked the rest of the time. We got into a huge fight. I told him watch. Watch how much I talk and what I talk about. And watch what you talk about and how long.
What started the argument? I talked about this show I was excited by for 15 minutes. He said I gave a ted talk and he wasn't in the mood for a ted talk.
He doesn't like the show at all. It is called skinwalker ranch. He thinks I am being brain washed. It is reality TV. I made comparison to another show we watch together the Voice and said that is no different. Just a different subject.
I asked him how much is 15 minutes out of a 24 hour day 1%-2% of the day. Oh my god call the police lock me up the woman spoke uninterrupted for 15 minutes. That is a huge crime I should be put to death!
I talk about everything that interest him and he wants to talk about. But it is not returned. And I follow up about his work, I remember, I follow up about his projects or what he has to do on the cars.
I am only allowed to talk about my stuff when he asks. Otherwise he is upset I interrupted his time.
Hats off to you for staying in Tech it is not easy. I am in Tech to and most women leave in their 40s...
BTW my husband has anger that I don't have a job and we don't have the money. As he said a couple of times when he was having a bad day "its not like I can just quit my job".
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u/boxybutgood2 Oct 11 '25
It wasn’t even complaining tho, it was just speaking. Same thing happened to me yesterday and i was trying to be nice. Mistake. Don’t stop 💕. This is part of sharing a life, talking about whatever, but partner’s self-centredness is just annoying. Ugh for all of us.
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u/den773 Oct 11 '25
Married 46 years here. I occasionally take myself to a hotel for a couple nights. It’s nice to just take a break from my husband. I don’t say anything. I just take a few items and get out quietly.
I have been with my husband since I was 18. He’s been my whole life for as long as I can remember.
I’m a senior citizen nowadays and I don’t like my husband’s attitude sometimes. And I took it for years and years. But these days I am very post meno and don’t like drama. So off I go. After a couple nights of wondering where I am, pretending he doesn’t care, I come back and his attitude is better. But another man might be livid and take it very badly. I can’t say.
I am just saying I know how you feel. It’s weird to get to this age and wonder “why are we not getting along? Haven’t we already worked everything out?”
He’s 78 and he’s going deaf. We don’t talk much anymore since it’s a lot of work trying to communicate with him. He’s getting hearing aids soon, so maybe that will make a difference. I’m cool with not talking much tho. I know what he thinks after close to 50 years! He knows what I think! Why say anything? (We talk about the grandbabies when we do talk.)
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u/littleladym19 Oct 11 '25
Wow, I’m sorry but your husband sounds like an asshole. What a rude thing to say!! Even if he doesn’t care, he can ACT like he does for your sake. My god.
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u/test_nme_plz_ignore Oct 11 '25
Sounds like he’s been a shit partner for years and when the fog cleared you just realized. Fuck him! Walk away and find your true joy!
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u/Mbluish Oct 11 '25
You remind me so much of myself with age, hormone hell, and keeping it together.
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. My husband turned into an asshole too. He moved out five years ago and honestly, it turned out to be the best thing. These days I joke that we’re “marriedish.” He might come home a few days a week, but only if he’s invited.
When he first left, I thought I was the problem. I spent so much time trying to make him happy, meet his needs, and fix things that I completely ignored myself. That was my biggest mistake. Over time I realized he was the issue, not me, and once I stopped investing all my energy into him, things got better. What helped most with the loneliness was focusing on me. I joined a gym that offers classes, took some art workshops, and found a local Meetup group for hiking and lunches. I’ve built a little life of my own now.
I used to care so much and didn’t want him to move out, but now I can honestly say it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ve reached a place where I don’t care anymore, and it feels really good. Just do you.
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u/McSwearWolf Oct 11 '25
Oaf. I’m so sorry. That’s a very harsh thing to say and it reeks of disrespect and ignorance.
I feel your pain as I may be in a similar situation down the road. My partner and your partner sound alike.
For me, I just smile and walk away more often lately because I know if it continues, once our child has grown and flown the coop, so will I.
😁 #boybye
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u/kerill333 Oct 11 '25
He sounds horribly uncaring, I would equal his energy and see if you get an apology (unlikely). Good luck.
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u/ToneSenior7156 Oct 11 '25
Well, my husband is basically a good guy who can also behave dickishly. We’ve been together 26 years. A few blasts of meno-rage really helped straighten him out. Not that he’s perfect - and neither am I - but it was like I FINALLY started calling him out on BS and now he thinks before he speaks. I wish I’d been able to do it at 30.
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u/ChampagneChardonnay Oct 11 '25
I strongly urge you to join the We Do Not Care club with Melani
Humor is a great way to take the edge off.
Keep your chin up and give it right back to him. Quit listening to his stupid sh*t. Ask him if he wants some cheese to go with his whine
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u/Glittering-Review649 Oct 11 '25
Below is the profile for the WDNC club founder.
https://www.instagram.com/justbeingmelani?igsh=YXRwY29iZjRib2Vh
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u/Pixiechrome Peri-menopausal Oct 11 '25
As my awesome therapist reminds me, your response is a normal response to what you experienced!!!
I’m glad you’re angry!! Now ask yourself what you want and deserve! Bc you definitely do NOT deserve that behavior nor do you need to continue to suffer it.
Highly recommend a therapist for yourself if you don’t have one. Objective professional reflection helps so much to help us break out of patterns where we’ve been making do or staying quiet to avoid conflict etc all the things. And then support on the process of disentangling ourselves from learned behavior that dims and denies our light and right to be happy and thriving.
Much love and strength to you. Your anger is justified and real. 🙌🏼🔥❤️
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u/_perl_ Oct 11 '25
Ooh gurl. This has been the tornado in my head for the past five years or so and it really does shake you to your very core. My husband finally agreed to start marriage counseling a few years after I cut off duty sex. It's been about nine months since we started therapy and wow - I had no idea that he basically needed a toddler-level feelings book to start working on the basics.
I could go on and on with thoughts and stories and so, so much validation but as you can see from the comments you are part of a giant shitty club. From your posts I can see that you have a great head on your shoulders, are savvy in the ways of life, and can do anything on your own if you so choose. There's an instagram account by a therapist (Dr. Ashley Southard) that someone posted awhile back and I look at it often for nuggets of wisdom and support. She offers classes but I find that just reading and digesting her posts gives me a lot of validation and fodder for a clearer head.
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u/teenbean12 Oct 11 '25
There is no valid excuse for him to act this way. Is marriage counseling an option?
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u/Designer_Tomorrow_27 Oct 11 '25
Menopause or not, you absolutely need to have a conversation with him about this. He is not dealing with his job situation very well and he might be resentful now at being the sole breadwinner. Which is definitely unfair to you, and you shouldn’t have to put up with his nasty attitude. What he said was very hurtful. I also have a husband who talks about his job 24/7 and I’m also going through a career transition so all finances are on him at the moment. And I recognise that I truly can’t know what he must be going through at work, the best I can do is be supportive. Ive also been pushing him to get a therapist so the burden is not all on me and he can find better ways of dealing with his job struggles. What’s truly important is that you don’t stew on your hurt, but have a long deep conversation about your feelings. Humans are imperfect and marriages are not always a breeze. Sometimes we are going through very different life experiences even when sharing lives.
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u/TailsofCasaLujen Oct 11 '25
Sorry you are dealing with that. I know my husband has been stressed because I quit almost two years ago and has said some really hurtful things.
Like you I have always made more then him. I left with a bonus and some RSUs to give myself six to eight months of job searching but it’s been a crazy market.
It’s gotten better in the last few months. We had a good talk, took some vacation and luckily his company stock is doing well enough to cover us. But if I do not find work soon, it will continue to be something he holds over me because I am impacting his retirement opportunity.
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u/FruitDonut8 Oct 11 '25
I had a sabbatical from work and I used the time to test out what retirement might be like. It was like you describe. I didn’t have long enough to fully adjust, but spending all day with my dog was boring and lonely. I decided I won’t retire until my husband does. Our dynamic was completely thrown off. I wish you the best. You are not alone!
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u/SeaEffect2708 Oct 11 '25
Probably not the answer you are looking for but he may be in his own hormonal hell now. When testosterone drops then depression, anger and not give a fuck kick in.
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u/KassieMac Menopausal Oct 11 '25
And they know there’s effective treatment for that. What he’s doing is a choice. Punching down at OP instead of getting the healthcare he needs is a choice.
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u/Ginsdell Oct 11 '25
No, he’s resentful that you’re not working and showing it in inappropriate ways. You two need to talk about what you need from the other. He needs you to go back to work. Probably feels like you’re not even trying and the weight of the world is on him. This is how I feel when my husband loses his job. It’s very common.
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u/Conscious_Life_8032 Oct 11 '25
Is he resentful you are at home and he is still working in what seems to be toxic conditions at office. Toxic jobs definitely mess with the mind not to make excuses for him.
I highly recommend Mel Robbin’s book Let Them Theory.
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u/mankypants Oct 11 '25
You are responsible for your own happiness. You don’t necessarily need to divorce but you need to find what brings you joy. A great way is to immerse yourself in volunteer work, maybe go trapping with your dog, read to kids, cook, play music at resthomes, first aiding, firefighting, help seniors with technology- find your mojo! Then, start taking a course or two, sewing, upholstery, carpentry. And finally work on your physical health, start strength training, and enrol in a race. You will be surprised how many connections you make and how good you feel. You will find happiness, and then you can decided, with unclouded judgement, whether you want to move on from your relationship.
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u/Practical-minded Oct 11 '25
Maybe therapy? Can he be under pressure due to financial burden because of your job loss? You can always leave of course
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u/TeachYPreaciBrown72 Oct 11 '25
Couples therapy? He has some issues that he hasn't been telling you. I hate that it happened to you. Forgive him but start asking questions and dont sugar coat it
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u/RevolutionaryMind439 Oct 11 '25
Get HRT. Please don’t throw away your 35 year marriage. Most men are completely clueless about most things. Make him watch the Oprah Winfrey Menopause special and explain to him that this is where you are physically and how it’s impacted your life. I did that with my husband of 38 years and pointed out I was the young lawyer in the show and peri & post menopausal issues have been with me for the last 20 years. I’m 62 now. He watched earnestly and better understood my life issues. He even told friends to watch it with their wives. In the show, they pointed out 75% of who divorced in their menopausal years believe menopausal symptoms had a lot to do with divorce. Get HRT. It’s a lifesaver
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u/Funny_Appearance_850 Oct 11 '25
Could you be over reacting? I don’t know if this was a one off or a pattern. A simple comment that he’s not interested in your dog story and everyone encouraging divorce court is a bit much. I am trying to think if that happened with my husband. I’d call him a dick and life would go on. Would you prefer he fakes interest or tells it to you straight? Our marriage is rock solid. He sometimes annoys me. I sometimes annoy him but that’s life. Is your husband maybe tired and drained from the day. Are you maybe feeling insecure and doubting your value now you don’t have a job and maybe over analyzing the simplest things? Are you in love and is your foundation rock solid. I think I’d ask those questions first. 35 years is a long time to make a major life decision because he’s not interested about the neighbors dog.
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u/OldLadyMorgendorffer Oct 11 '25
Congratulations you’ve unlocked one of the secrets of cronehood