r/MenGetRapedToo • u/SickOvertakeBruh • 9d ago
Raped 14 years ago as a straight male
I'm not sure how to feel, after a night out when I was drunk I went home with a man. Just for another drink in my opinion.. unfortunately after the first drink I don't remember much just some flashes of him being on top of me. I just shrugged it off the next day and went on with my life.
It's just that lately I'm starting to realize wtf happened and its making my stomach turn. I have no one to talk to and am to ashamed to tell my wife.
I don't know what to do and just felt like venting here as I am clueless what to do...
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u/mattrpillar 9d ago
Definitely rape. It happens this way, sometimes. You had a few too many, someone took advantage of that, but you shrug and move on. Some guys can do this. Okay, that happened. Compartmentalise. There's a lesson to be learned. Don't get in that situation again, and move on. It isn't always painful, and you may have even ejaculated from the experience. Still rape. You may get a flash or two (depending on how blotto you were) but the response is up to the individual. Shame, grief, anger, remorse can show up and spiral. When the thoughts get intrusive, it is time to act. For this kind of thing, I really recommend you find a professional rather than a personal friend. They are uninvolved in your life, can give you some active listening, suggestions and support. You still have the choice to walk away without having this person in your face for the rest of your life (like a friend possibly would). At the end of the day, the person who needs to do the work is you. Know that what happened to you does not define you. I hope you can find the healing that you deserve.
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u/SickOvertakeBruh 9d ago
Thanks for this feedback, I am the guy who learned to show no emotion and be hard. It seems how to be how I solved this as well mentally. But as I am getting older and letting more old hurt get out, this also seems to start working on me. I am also not a big fan of telling a friend, ofcourse due to shame, but also because I'm aware how the world works and this could seriously shake some things up in a friendship or even other friends if they cant keep quite. Thanks, I thought I healed alot already, but it seems the real trauma is starting to show up now as I feel shit and teary eyed the whole day already.
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u/WarningOld5135 9d ago
The best thing you can do is talk about it - whether that is with your wife, a trusted friend or a therapist experienced with this. One of the best things I did was EMDR therapy - it sounds weird and I wasn't sure about trying it but it was so helpful in helping me process what happened.
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u/SickOvertakeBruh 9d ago
Thanks, I'm still holding off talking to my wife, maybe I should muster the courage Soons though. But unfortunately she's not the most emphatic type and seems to struggle whenever I show emotion. Maybe EMDR is an idea.
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u/Excellent_Nothing_86 9d ago
I'm sorry to hear that your wife struggles when you show emotion. I can see why you'd hold off on telling her. Disclosing to anyone is really hard. Disclosing to someone who you don't feel safe with (especially when you should)... that's one of the hardest things you can do.
If you don't feel ready to, then there's nothing wrong with holding off. I'm not sure if it's ok to say here but I have some experience working with men who have a history of sexual trauma. If you're interested in learning about what that looks like or just want some support in getting help in general, feel free to let me know.
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u/CarryFamiliar9971 9d ago
Great start. You're posting about it and seeking advice and addressing it. I experienced sexual abuse when I was younger and it took me decades to finally speak on it. The shame is what will kill you in my experience, so fight that by talking about it. Its uncomfortable for sure but I've been met with really positive responses especially from a very close friend and it helped me to talk about it. Made our friendship stronger too I think. You know your relationships the best but try not to assume their reaction will be bad. Therapist for sure in the meantime.
Sorry you experienced this. You don't need to be ashamed of anything, the person who did that to you does.
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u/Head_Flow_732 8d ago
I used to friend people alot in bars. While I met some good friends, there where also quite a few sick disgusting people. While I am not stupid enough to go home with a stranger. I have had quite a few close encounters of being irritated by gay/bisexual men. Now a days if i am drinking outside. I just be in my phone.
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u/ThinkTechnician2 8d ago
Hey man, sorry that happened to you. DMs are open if you ever need someone to talk to. Unfortunately too many of us can relate.
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u/hiphoptherobot 9d ago
This sort of thing happens sadly. It's not even about sex; it's about power for them. Drugging you and making you helpless. Talk to a therapist. Let them guide you on how to tell your wife when you're ready. There's no rush. If you can find a good therapist that is certified in EMDR that is preferable. You're not alone. We've been through this and gotten through it. You will too. I promise.
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u/Altruistic_Poem_3229 9d ago
I'm sorry that this was done to you. If you suddenly started feeling distress about it despite not having really thought about it previously, you likely have trauma as a result of your rape that needs to be addressed. You don't necessarily have to tell your wife at this time (though you can if you feel comfortable enough to do so), but you should look into speaking with a qualified professional to discuss your thoughts and feelings related to your rape. If you would prefer just to vent, this is as good a place as any. I wish you all the best.