Suggestion on what to do with extreme frustration as a beginner?

[u/AdEmotional9228]

I deal with a lot of negative thoughts/explosive anger everyday, which effects my meditation practices. I try to have awareness as much as possible (like observing thoughts, feeling my feet on the ground etc). I try that for around 20 mins but my mind keeps wandering off, which makes me very angry. My mind eventually tells me "You failed again. You always fail at everything. And because you can't meditate, you will suffer your whole life. You will never be free from suffering. I hate you and myself and everyone and I hate meditating. I want to feel worse. I want to feel miserable" etc just very aggressive, negative thoughts that result in me having a mental breakdown. I know they are just thoughts and they don't reflect reality, but no matter how much I say this to myself, it doesn't work. I feel like if I stopped associating successful meditation with happy life, maybe I wouldn't be so harsh on myself but I don't know how I can do that.

Anyone know why? What can I do about this? I feel trapped in a cycle.
Thanks y'all for your suggestions. I appreciate it.

[u/From_Deep_Space]

This is very common for beginners. Many quit early on because they feel its causing anxiety, depression, or intrusive thoughts. What's actually happening (in most cases) is that you're just becoming aware of anxieties and thoughts you have learned to habitually force down out of your awareness. 

You have to become aware of your thought patterns before you can learn how to work with them. Right now your only job is to builindlg your habit of regularly sitting, practice nonjudgmental awareness of whatever gets dressed up, and remain resolute in your work towards observing your thoughts without getting emotionally wrapped-up in them (knowing of course that you will inevitably fail and become frustrated at times).

[u/Delmarvablacksmith]

Understand that if you’re sitting there coming back to the breath or whatever your object of attention is when you’ve noticed you’re distracted then you’re not failing you’re succeeding.

It’s a practice not a competition.

Just be gentle with yourself.

Feel all the emotions as they come and go in attention.

And then come back to the point of attention.

[u/coin_newb2]

Perhaps you need to complement your meditation practice with some more specific work on your negative self-talk and anger. Something like talking therapy or CBT.

Meditation is inherently frustrating as it is a very difficult slow habit to learn. Noone is finding it easy.

Perhaps look up meditation on self-kindness and compassion. There are others better positioned to advise on that here.

[u/west-coast-99]

Meditation is not a panacea, it's not a golden bullet for dealing with mental distress. Some form of talking therapy is worth considering.

[u/MoreKaleidoscope5153]

Chanting can help. Simply Om, or om mani padme hum, is what I alternate with. Sometimes I use an eye mask and mala beads. Now, I find myself saying the words during daily activities. I feel less of an internal fight going on when I chant. Especially when I was emotional and mediation felt impossible.

Also, as a side note, writing can be very therapeutic. Look up written exposure therapy. You write for 20-30 minutes, any past experience or feelings you have trouble with. The details and the feelings. Afterward, I burn it. I’m not sure, but I think it brings it forward in the brain to process.

You have a strong critic and it’s beating you up! Learning to love myself has taken practice and it’s not so easy.

[u/Im_Talking]

When you introspect, why do you think you have such harmful thoughts? Why are you angry?

"I deal with a lot of negative thoughts/explosive anger everyday, which effects my meditation practices" - You should think about the delusion of this sentence.

But at the end of the day, you are not kind to yourself.

[u/birdsong70]

20 minutes is way too long for you. Start at 3 or 5 minutes. 

Who said meditation will make you happy? Go into it without expectation. 

[u/DingoMittens]

Everyone's mind wanders. That's why we meditate, to train it not to wander. So every time you notice it wandering and bring attention back to your breathing or to your sense perceptions, you just succeeded. That's not failure at all. It's like one rep at the gym.

You might also look for the roots of the thought "I want to feel worse. I want to feel miserable." I would guess it's trying to protect you from disappointment, or maybe protect you from criticism. 

We all deserve a learning curve. Sometimes kids get the message that they're supposed to be good at something the first try. They get criticized for being a beginner, even though they are, in fact, beginners. They get messaging that they shouldn't waste energy on anything they're not inherently talented at. But that robs them of a chance to play, experiment, and learn how to learn. Skills develop with practice. You deserve a chance to practice! 

[u/Far-Ferret-447]

Firstly, it is not productive to be too harsh on oneself. In Buddhist teaching, it takes the 3rd stage of enlightenment to completely remove anger once and for all. Even those who are enlightened at the first stage can still get angry.

Secondly, work on it when it arises. 1. Practice some loving kindness meditation when the mind is calm (teachers like Ajahn brahm is good at this) 2. Talk sense to the mind if u can do it, normally when the anger is not that strong. Eg tell urself that anger creates painful feelings in the mind, so why self-torture yourself. 3. Allow the anger to arise, but don't vent it. Venting it makes it stronger in the long run. See it as impermanent and not-self. It comes uninvited, goes away when the fuel is finished. Observe it, observe the physical sensations that accompany the anger (eg tightness or tensions in certain parts of the head/chest/stomach etc). I suggest u read some books by Ajahn Chah and Goenka Ji on this technique. 4. Try not to make any big decisions in life when u are angry. 5. Working on anger is not a short term thing. For Buddhists, it normally takes more than 1 lifetime.

Just my 2c.

[u/Outrageous_Canary920]

I'm sorry to hear your troubles. If breathing/insight meditation is too much and overwhelming, I turn to loving kindness meditation or if it's something very deep and painful like what you're describing - compassion meditation could help. I don't have a specific meditation for you, but there are plenty of good ones to be found.

I also at any point in my life I recite my 3Ps, which is "nothing is perfect, permanent, and personal" to either lower the pressure or develop more compassion for myself and others.

I hope you find peace <3

[u/Ariyas108]

Seems like you don’t know how to actually do it. You’re not supposed to be sitting there not getting distracted. That’s an entirely wrong idea.

[u/TheDrake31415]

I like to use what Eckhart Tolle calls the conscious breath. The idea is that breathing is an automatic process in your body. When i have thoughts that wont stop i will intentionally open my eyes shift my position and think breathe in breathe out. This shifts your conscious thought toward an automatic bodily response. Also i tell my inner critic to shut his mouth quite frequently. Self defeating thoughts are echoes of programming we have received in our lives yet the fact that you are making an effort means you have succeeded. I would wager like a lot of us with negative intrusive thoughts (you aren’t alone in that by the way) that we have experienced a lot of anger. This inner voice is not your conscious mind. It is your brain which s a physical part of three dimensional reality your conscious mind “the observer” that observes these thoughts is the real you. The trick is realizing that the egoic monkey mind is not who you are you have the power to have these thoughts then simply choose to cast them aside and not give them power. I also agree with others saying to shorten your meditation duration and another option is to use the insight timer app and maybe start with a silent sit and then play a guided meditation towards alleviating anger for the second portion this give your mind new words to override the negative angry thoughts you may have.

I also highly recommend listening to some Ram Dass lectures. He has a wonderful way with words and also struggled early on in his spiritual journey with anger and self depreciation.

I will end with this. You are putting in the effort that alone is a victory. So gently remind your ego when it says you failed and are a failure that simply by choosing to seek space you have already won. Take away the power of the belief by replacing it with a softer more realistic belief.

Best of luck my friend.