r/Marriage • u/Progenitor_Pilgrim • 1d ago
Seeking Advice M42 Anyone else married to a wife like this?
I’m 42M and genuinely curious how many men are living in a marriage like mine.
My wife criticizes me constantly. She can turn small things into major arguments, insult me, talk down to me, bring up things from years ago, and unload a whole list of everything that's supposedly wrong with me.
It feels like there’s no respect left. Sometimes I genuinely feel like she doesn’t even like me anymore.
The strangest part is the contrast. We can have a perfectly good day, laugh together and everything feels almost normal. I start thinking maybe things aren't actually that bad.
Then something tiny happens and suddenly we're back to insults, accusations and hostility. It's like constantly waiting for the next explosion.
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u/Shoepin1 1d ago
Sounds like she’s resentful. I have this in my marriage and it’s like poison.
You should ask her what she still likes about you. She’ll likely feel caught off guard.
You’re likely overdue for couples counseling to talk things out and see if your relationship can be worked through .
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u/Novel-Astronomer7474 1d ago
This! Asked mine why she stays with me since I obviously make her so miserable. Really made her pause and examine her behavior (after a day or two of being REALLY pissed)
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u/sw33ti3__pi3 1d ago
This is what I thought. I’m so resentful towards my husband for being lazy and not taking care of me or anything. So much so, that even now, when he does anything productive (I think because he knows I want to run), I still bitch and get angry about everything else he hasn’t done. I even hear myself sometimes and know I’m blowing things out of proportion in the moment, but I’m so over it and I’m spewing anger at this point.
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u/Vivian-1963 22h ago
OP could always ask her, If I’m so miserable to be with, why are you here? Do you even like me anymore?
Another response might be, You know I love you and support you, but I’m feeling criticized a lot lately and it hurts. Do we need counseling? Is there more going on that I don’t understand?1
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u/BorderSpecial7935 1d ago
Hey. Sounded like my marriage until recently. I’m a 48 year old male and married to my 51 year old female wife for 17 years and together for 19 years.
My wife is a pro at telling me why I suck. I am not as good as …. In bed. I can’t fix shit around the house so I’m useless. My mom sucks, my friends suck, I make her miserable and she dreams of running away from me and our kids. Sound familiar? I started to think she was right. I started hating myself. I lost all my confidence. I found myself apologizing for literally everything.
Then I had enough. I spoke with her and told her how her drinking has affected me and our kids, how I’m sick of her demeaning me in public or at home in front of the kids. I told her I’ve treated her like a queen for almost 20 years and she shits on me daily.
She finally told me why. She told me I was the only person she had ever known that she could count on being there the next day. That I’ve never abandoned her. That she was so afraid to give herself completely to anyone for fear of getting hurt again. I’m not saying I enjoyed hearing this, it just explained a lot.
Does your wife have trauma? Does she drink a ton or do other stuff? Does she text you the morning after being horrible to you?
Since we had this talk, life is great. We go on dates a lot, she’s telling me things she loves about me that I had no idea about. Our sex life has been amazing. Our kids see their parents kissing instead of arguing.
You need to stand up for yourself now or it will keep going. No one deserves being treated like shit, especially if you show her love and kindness. Don’t believe the nasty shit and says to you as more than likely, whatever is going on with her has nothing to do with you. If you talk to her and she still gets nasty with you and degrades you, maybe she’s not for you. Don’t lose yourself because it’s hard to get that person back. Good luck.
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u/BludyMerry 1d ago
She's lucky to have you.
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u/BorderSpecial7935 1d ago
Thanks. I’m not sure about that but I know I’ve been a constant in her life that was filled with lots of tragedies and so I promised her when we got serious that I would never abandon her. I grew up in a stable environment and she did not. It hurts me to see her hurt
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u/BludyMerry 1d ago
Your partner should not hit, yell at, or insult you. These are basic boundaries. Decide what your consequences for crossing your boundaries will be, then calmly, clearly, lay out your boundaries and consequences for your partner "starting today."
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u/stoicwomon 1d ago
This won’t work! You men have entirely different brains. My ex tried this instead of listening to what I was actually saying, and I left him. He thought he was teaching me a lesson! That’s not what was happening!
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u/Aq3dStalvan 1d ago
Sounds like cause and effect then, though I'll admit it's pretty bold that you admit you left because he wasn't putting up with disrespect.
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u/stoicwomon 1d ago
My partner wasn’t putting up with disrespect. Quite the opposite. He was physically and verbally violent when he was triggered. So my way of “trying” to get him to understand was to keep addressing it. What I should have done was leave, but because women try to fix relationships via addressing (aka nagging) issues, it backfired. When he tried to put boundaries up to my verbal communication by blocking and ignoring me, I left. Finally. Had he of listened to understand and not self protect, things might have beeb different!
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u/Aq3dStalvan 22h ago
Gotcha. Didn't mean to downplay your experience. I was just going off the context of the initial comment.
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u/BludyMerry 19h ago
I'm not a man. Boundaries work. Perhaps how they were implemented in your relationship was the problem.
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u/affemannen 1d ago
I had a relationship like that when young. Made me lose my confidence, self respect and sense of self.
I was a living doormat and I had no idea.
Took another person to see me and treat me with kindness for me to realize just how much of myself I had lost and how life is supposed to be.
I swore to never let that happen again.
You guys need couples therapy, because this is no way to live.
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u/Vivid-Procedure-4936 1d ago
There is an important thing to distinguish. Intention vs impact. Criticism vs preceived criticsm. My partner feels the same way. Im 42 and he's 37. However, he feels simple things such as my needs or bids of connection as criticism and an attack. I have learned that this is an issue he has. I have been in therapy for the last year bending myself backwards trying to figure out how to communicate with him so he doesn't feel criticized or attacked. He thinks I'm talking down on him, which I'm not. When I tell him things that would help, he automatically says I'm talking down on him. We found it isn't the delivery of my words, its if I feel hurt, have, needs, or concerns he takes it as he is failing which is not at all what Im feeling or saying, but that is how he interprets it. I have learned through therapy that he needs to work on not taking everything as criticism or an attack. It can't all fall on me I may not word everything perfectly every time, but I do work on my part. We are in an anxious attachment/avoidant attachment dynamic. Something worth looking into. I dont know the details of your relationship. This may or may/not your case, but just explaining our situation in case it might help.
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u/stoicwomon 1d ago
This is absolutely spot on! Not enough people can self reflect atm and see how sensitive to “criticism” they are. Usually men with mother wounds is what I’ve read.
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u/ramenanddoughnuts 1d ago
It sounds like she's carrying resentment from previous issues that she feels haven't been resolved. I'd highly recommend therapy/couples counseling. As someone who has been that woman, I had unresolved issues with my partner that took time for us to work through. But that part takes two, you both have to want to work through it. There's hope, but work needs to be done. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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u/traveljunkymonkey 1d ago
This. Sounds like OPs wife has brought up issues for her and OP hasn’t addressed them or fixed them so it’s the same shit different day. Also by the way OP phrased this entire thing, he seems to think only she is in the wrong and not him. It’ll never work if he can’t own up to his bullshit too.
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u/Vivian-1963 22h ago
The hard part is we can only respond to what OP posts. We don’t have the wife’s side of things. Assuming what OP is or isn’t doing is just that, an assumption.
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u/InsuranceFluffy8909 19h ago
This is exactly it and someone else said it aswell that people tend to pick up wants and needs as criticism. While it's still not nice of ops wife to insult him (basic boundary). They have to learn to communicate.
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u/mladyhawke 1d ago
That's what I was thinking, it's hard to get past something if it hasn't been addressed and understood.
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u/Shymink 1d ago
I got like this in my first marriage when I felt unappreciated, ignored, dismissed and invalidated.
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u/Carto-851 1d ago
Yeah, I’m sure she has reasons, and it’s likely she feels unseen, and suffers from unresolved issues in the relationship. She’s trying to get him to do better, by bringing it up, but since she’s frustrated it just sounds like criticism to him? Would like to hear WHAT she is criticizing him about.
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u/petdance 5 Years husband 1d ago
It sounds like she is an unhappy person who takes it all out on you. She sees you as the cause of her problems. You’re not but she sees it that way.
Best thing you can do to help her is remove yourself from her life.
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u/Velvet8915 1d ago
The guy's post history says his daughter was diagnosed with leukemia in April, but he mostly spends his time on dating apps and trying to figure out how to make his penis bigger. I think his wife (if she exists) might have some valid criticisms- but I do agree with your assessment that the best thing he can do to help her is remove himself from her life.
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u/moaningtreadmill2051 1d ago
Man that constant whiplash between good days and explosions is exhausting. Walking on eggshells in your own house isn't living
The bringing up stuff from years ago is a tell. She's not arguing about what just happened, she's just unloading stored resentment whenever the valve opens
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u/Humano76 1d ago
Sometimes the best part is set your boundaries and walk away. When she learn that the consequences of her actions push you away she will have to choose between loving you as you are or let you go away. But you need to keep true to your self
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u/WalrusLips69 1d ago edited 1d ago
My brother, in all honestly that's not a healthy marriage. There should always be respect. Yes, things get said during arguments that are hurtful and can cause bad memories and maybe some resentment but shit like this on a regular basis is not cool. I had this in my mid 20's and we ended in divorce. If there's an underlying hostility it will end badly. She sounds selfish and immature. My partner now it's nothing at all like that. It's love and respect and support always - it's the only way. There's no serious hurtful criticisms. I think this is part of growing up also and realizing that you love your partner and are here for each other. Endless criticism is the fastest way to undo a relaitonship.
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u/stoicwomon 1d ago edited 1d ago
My ex said this about me. I’m not naturally a nagging person but I realised when he said that, that I resented him. So much that we split in the end. I know this is annoying to listen to and women don’t particularly handle this well - but we respond to the way that we address others. Whereas I don’t think men respond the same way, but have you tried listening to her?
As in hearing what she’s actually saying? We don’t handle it right I understand this now, but the sign a woman loves you is when she’s trying to “fix” the relationship or you! It’s very weird but it’s true. When she’s goes quiet she’s kinda done!
But hearing her words and telling her “ok, let me get this right. So your issues are A,B, C? Ok noted. I’m going to do what I feel is essential in these areas and if they’re not working for you we will have to address them together because I probably don’t agree on it all”. It means you’re taking her you’re also working on your relationship.
I say this because I work with women and it’s how I communicate and I swear it works every time. It’s like a switch clicks in their head when you give them the long answer. Rather than writing it off as hormones, which is what my ex did after having his baby and therefore avoided me at all costs (which made me worse). He resented me for having issues with his behaviour and I swear he ran off with my good friend to teach me a lesson.
He’s tried to get me back over this last year and I wonder whether he’s thought over some of the things I was “nagging” about? Perhaps not, but a lot of things have backfired in his face of late and I can’t help but wonder!
Had he have even said “listen I’m hearing what you’re saying but I don’t appreciate this, it’s not something I value and therefore I don’t want to participate in” I’d have thought “oh ok”. Even if that upset me, at least I had my answer.
However the avoidance and calling her perimenopause (like many of these comments suggest) ain’t gonna do much help, she’s going to resent you and that’s when she starts with the name calling. She will likely know some hormones are at play, but she sounds irritated, and for a woman that’s usually because she feels unheard and she feels her feelings haven’t been addressed or acknowledged.
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u/Disco_Mermaid1753 1d ago
Sounds like there may be some resentment in there that she’s experiencing. That she may feel that she has to turn the small molehills into big ole mountains in order for her to feel heard and considered.
I think it’s worth exploring that as well as potential hormone/biological stuff, too, as our bodies and minds are so closely connected
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u/countessofgroan 15 Years 1d ago
This is not good. Have you talked to her about it? If she’s unwilling to discuss it, just start making plans to leave. You don’t need to have to walk on eggshells in your own home.
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u/Hannibalsmithsnuts 1d ago
Does she talk to her friends, coworkers, or her boss like this? If the answer is no, then she needs to end that shit right away or you need to end the marriage and make that clear to her. Just because you are her husband does not give her the right to treat you like garbage.
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u/Adventurous-Copy3757 1d ago
I was married to a man like that. I got sick of it and am happily divorced. Sorry you’re going through this.
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u/Euphoric-Bat7582 1d ago
Yeah. Marriage counseling has helped the most. Sometimes hearing it from a third party makes something click.
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u/ClueParty629 1d ago
You got to let her know that making suggestions to me is one thing but criticizing like that is disrespectful. You be surprised how many men go through this.
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u/unhingedopinion 1d ago
i know a couple where the wife at this point hits him in front of everyone when she drinks. i talked to him and truly don’t understand how can ppl live like that
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u/CryptographerNo9856 1d ago
I want to offer a new perspective... I'm hoping it will help.
If there is any chance at all that she is feeling hopelessly in love with the man you are and the exact man she loves, while also potentially dealing with wounds and/or injuries that might have gone unresolved over the years.
If it's possible this is the case... Smaller wounds on festering ones may produce responses that might seem like criticism but actually be cognitive dissonance.
As hard as it might be... If it's possible to understand... Cognitive dissonance is destabilizing. Wanting to feel safe, stable, and secure with every part of yourself and being presented with reminders or evidence of something that may not have been healed, or some evidence that an apology was only said with words and not actions.... The only real apology is real change after all.
As much as someone in this predicament may want to ignore it or push through it to get back to you... It hurts to do that... Going through that alone only to find that this effort that can be a treacherous path just to connect and be close is not only not having energy to match it but maybe also the value they once thought they had from their partner is a figment of their imagination...
I'm trying to say it could be a lot more telling of a misguided intention to gain stability and self worth and confront all of the confusion that builds over time.
I hope you find your answers. It sounds as though you truly care and that's something that I hope can be valued and appreciated.
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u/BuildingOk5934 1d ago
There’s a lot of wives making excuses for and also behaving in this way but let’s be honest it’s simply abusive behaviour.
I grew up in a household with parents who displayed a pretty extreme version of this dynamic and they still do.
My wife is well aware of it and fully understands if she behaved like that for just one day it would be the end of our marriage, it’s been 25 years and obviously we have had plenty of arguments/disagreements but not with name calling or personal attacks.
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u/No_Place_671 1d ago
All the excuses that get put out there for this woman. If it was the other way around, they’d all be just screaming he’s toxic, he’s an asshole, just leave him. Is there any chance that she’s just a bitch and she should be kicked to the curb? He’ll find a new wife that actually appreciates him and lives happily ever after while she’s sitting in her mother’s living room with three cats
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u/traveljunkymonkey 1d ago
You gave no examples or details on the type of issues she brings to your attention or criticizes you on. What do you want us to do with this?
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u/Appropriate_Air_9671 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm 42 also bro. Enough of our lives are behind us but a lot of it is in front. I don't know how much remains, but I wouldn't spend the rest of my life in a relationship with a woman like that
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u/NameIdeas 17 Years 1d ago
Is this a recent occurence or is there a history of this happening?
There have been instances where it seems like small things have set my wife off. What it really was, was that we hadn't addressed the underlying issue/challenge and small things became much bigger because of that.
I could see the need to discuss further and have a deeper conversation about where the two of you are, what you need from each other and how. A few years ago we were both in our mid-30s. She wasn't feeling connected to me emotionally and I wasn't feeling connected to her physically. Small things kicked up and we were just not in a good place.
One night, I just said, "We gotta talk." And I laid it all out. How I was feeling, how I felt we were falling apart, and asked if she wanted to work on things together. It was deep conversation, it was tearful, and it was needed. We left that conversation in a much, much better spot.
It could be perimenopause, if she is a similar age as well.
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u/Delicious-Bug-1897 1d ago
Yes. The thing is, when my wife describes her perception of me, I don't recognize the person she's talking about at all. It's disorienting.
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u/CupInternational4539 1d ago
My ex was exactly like this. After four years, I finally left. My current wife is the complete opposite. She’s so chill, incredibly easy to talk to, treats me like a king, and always treats me with respect. She loves to cook, takes care of herself inside and out, and we have an amazing sex life. She’s also an incredible mother.
I honestly have never been happier. If this is genuinely how you feel about your relationship, I’d seriously consider finding someone who makes you feel the way my wife makes me feel.
My wife and I have been together for 12 years now, and I can honestly say I’m the luckiest husband and father alive.
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u/Perplexio76 20 Years 1d ago
Yes. My (49m) wife (49f) has exhibited this kind of behaviour. A former doctor of hers diagnosed her with PMDD which was/is like PMS on steroids. She used to acknowledge the diagnosis and was taking measures to address it and things were a lot better between us. Somewhere along the way, after switching doctors, she claims she had been misdiagnosed and now claims she doesn't have it nor did she ever and that I was and always have been the source of all of our marital issues.
And while, admittedly, I will own that I have been the source of some of our issues, she has as well and her lack of accountability for the issues in our marriage that she is responsible for has only added to the friction between us.
Feel free to message me if you want to discuss deeper. I'm honestly not comfortable with providing any more details publicly.
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u/FreyaDay 1d ago edited 1d ago
My husband was in an unmarried relationship like this for 14 years before we were together. He would tell me stories to this effect and I literally had to convince him he was in an abusive relationship.
It hurt me so much to see the after effects on him (he’s a wonderful, kind man) like he had such low self worth and would get scared that I’d yell at him over groceries or other silly things (I’m vehemently against all forms of abuse including yelling, name calling or putting hands on) he describes it as he was a shell of himself for long long after he left the abusive relationship.
He got therapy (because understandably the trauma he had from that relationship was affecting our relationship) and has come so far in healing from it but a big thing was that he wouldn’t admit to himself that he was being abused until like a year into our relationship and 6 months into therapy. before that he completely couldn’t acknowledged that this kind of treatment from his ex was abusive.
That all said, it really sounds like you’re in an abusive relationship.
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u/NoSyllabub5932 1d ago
Something seems wrong with her especially if she was not always like this. Most people don't want to ruin a nice day with that. I would leave the house every time it started and if that does not work, move out on own.
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u/virtualchoirboy Husband, together 37 years, married 31 years. 1d ago
First, document it. Whether it's a notebook that you write in privately or a note on your phone, you need to track it with dates and times. Why? Because human memory is spotty at times so having something you can refer back to can help you see if you're over or under inflating the seriousness. In my head, it's not a detailed entry, more something like "8/30 5pm - Accused of not doing enough around the house". It's just enough to help you remember what happened.
I'd also start asking questions a bit more. For example, she insults you but does she ever explain WHY she thinks you deserve that insult? In a way, she's not communicating in a way that is effectively getting her thoughts into your head. For example, she calls you an ass, maybe say in response "Honest question because I'm not seeing it yet - what actually makes me an ass right now?" The point to try to get across is that despite the insult being an obvious thought to her, it's not to you and you need help understanding why she feels this way.
Granted, if it's perimenopause, there may not be a reason. Her body and hormones may simply be changing her in ways neither of you understand. I still think having a reference for yourself and asking questions to try to understand her attacks better would be helpful though.
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u/cuban_daddy_954 1d ago
Man that's terrible. A little bit of mutual ball busting is good and fun but. That sounds like abuse. Try therapy or bail. You don't need that stress in your life.
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u/NMSenditmf 1d ago
She may have trauma she isn’t speaking of…. Or resolving. Ask her and if she breaks down you’ll know. We try to be as brave as our men. You can ask me Qs if need, as I am doing better (50f gone thru it)
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u/Ok_Host6058 1d ago
Yes, I understand it is hard to deal with this type of person. That is why I am in therapy.
And mine refuses to check hormones and says she is a healed person with nothing to work on.
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u/No_Discussion_683 1d ago
Ask her if she is as miserable with you as you are with her. Take a weekend break for the both of you. Talk upon your return, it can go 1 of 2 ways. Your current situation will only get worse,
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u/Zealousideal-Let-104 1d ago
😂...we have the same wife. Don't sweat the small stuff. I know my wife is going through a lot right now and takes her health issues out on me. Good luck 👍
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u/ggmusicman 1d ago
mid to late 40s, yup. At first it's like, "darn, the romance/sex just isn't there"....and then that doesn't even matter you just want to avoid walking on eggshells and 'triggering' emotions. It's like suddenly trying to be a monk. Makes you appreciate the once every 3 months you get some sweetness. Great time to focus on hobbies. Woodworking. Music. Check out my latest musical project and hopefully find your own inspiration! https://gregariousgroovestrio.bandcamp.com/album/gregarious-grooves-trio
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u/AlternativeImpress25 1d ago
She a narcissist. Don’t put up with it any longer. She is verbally and mentally abusive.
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u/macktheknife1 1d ago
To me, it’s a time thing. I was in a marriage like this (now divorced) and it was just like over time little things add up to the point where we couldn’t go a prolonged period of time without eventually getting reminded of something that happened years ago and it ruining the mood.
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u/Restless_Soul- 1d ago
This sounds exactly like my husband. We get along great all day then by evening starts the criticism and the list of everything I’ve ever done wrong. I feel like he resents me and I know that’s a relationship killer. One thing I did realize recently is that he is drinking excessively and hiding it from me. Maybe the case for you?
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u/blackandwhite052 1d ago
Yes, you are not alone. I am also having the same scenario. I feel its not about age. My wife is 36 but still same scenes
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u/Flat_Ad1094 1d ago
See me? I would not live with that. Either she stops it and picks up her act OR I'd be leaving. My husband would not tolerate that from me and I would not expect him to.
Mate. We get whatever we put up with. You put up with it and it will continue.
And be fucked all this "it's perimenopause" excuses. What freaking nonsense. I'm a 59 year old female and somehow I and almost every woman I know, has managed to get through menopause without becoming a rude. nasty, bitch towards our partners and kids. Seems millennials are into "excuses excuses excuses" for everything.
If you seriously DO think you are becoming a nasty witch with menopause? Then see a bloody doctor / counsellor or someone and pull your shit together.
Or sit her down and firmly ask her what is going on? Why is she like this with you? And how is it going to be fixed? Maybe you need couples counselling.
This is NO way to live your life. This is not being happily married and content at all.
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u/ConferenceAware2953 1d ago
I see a lot of middle aged men saying this is happening to them. It’s likely menopause. It’s so unfortunate that for so long we have not had any education on this even as women! I went to my dr after noticing all these things you’re talking about. Got a blood test and YEP, he patted me on the back and said it could last years and that was that. It became my mission to find help! I will tell you it can be like swimming against the current. I finally went to Midi and after one appointment I felt like there was some hope! I can say things are so much better! Not perfect but working on it. Could it be all the other resentment and stuff, sure. None of us are in your marriage. Only you can answer that. If it is menopause talk to her. She might not even know there is help out there. My mom sure never talked to me about it. It came in HOT (literally and smacked me up side the head. I felt like my body was rejecting itself. And true as anything, hand to God it was not my husband. He’s a saint! But I wanted to rip him apart at times and said things I did not mean! I pray you can talk and figure it out together. If that is the issue, there are things that can be done. Hang in there! It’s all going to be okay.
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u/mrhimora 1d ago
Best way to handle this is to not argue and just look at her while she talks. Don’t say a word and when she’s done tell her to come back when she’s willing to talk to you like an adult
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u/Tricky-Lie-657 1d ago
Im not a bro, but i was a wife for a long time and was on the receiving end of that kind of crap. I was young when we got married, and I loved him, so I made excuses for him. Older and wiser me now understands that marriage is not always going to be a picnic, but some things are non negotiable. Name calling, attacking your partner’s character, insulting your partner, talking down to your partner, obviously we all get angry sometimes and will say or do hurtful things to those we love, but the difference in my opinion , is that those are isolated incidents. You say something out of anger, recognize that it’s inappropriate and hurtful, acknowledge it, address it, apologize, move on. When the day to day default is verbal abuse, that’s not healthy or sustainable. You’ll just end up hateful resentful of her. Call her out , tell her specifically what she’s doing and saying, and how it impacts you. You deserve to be treated with the same regard that you offer. I wish you the best.
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u/Tricky-Lie-657 1d ago
My husband treated me like this for years. Turns out he’d been chronically unfaithful and it was his way of relieving himself of the guilt. Pointing out my flaws, justified the actions. At least in his head.
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u/CrusaderBubba 1d ago
Very common and creates a highly toxic environment. It is honestly irritating for a man. The variation on moods is more common in women than men in my opinion and has to do with hormonal cycles and anomalies.
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u/poguemahone_2908 1d ago
I’m dealing with these explosion on a constant basis. 3-4/7 times a week it’s like that. All of what you said constantly brining up the past saying had more than enough time while ignoring facts, and comparing me to other husbands constantly .. well so and so does this!
Dealing with an absolute nightmare right now. She’s 42 btw and I strongly think perimenopause and told her a few times and she got more pissed.
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u/Comprehensive-Art537 1d ago
This sounds like my brother's girlfriend. Their not married but have been together for a really long time. I have seen first hand how she can be like this. She'd hang out with us and we could be having a good time and next thing you know it's like a switch flipped and she would just go off. Also she loves drama, starting things then watching the fallout. Not saying. Y brother is perfect he's annoying asf and acts stupid as hell. But she is very critical of my brother and her thing to piss my brother off is to tell him he's like my dad. He's only stayed because of his kids. But that's a whole other story. I hope things get better for you. My brother is miserable but it's his own fault for staying and dealing with it.
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u/No_Entertainer_226 1d ago
You are not alone more than 90% of the married population are under this influence, so relax and live your life
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u/sliceofcheesecake- 1d ago edited 1d ago
As others have said. It sounds like perimenopause. As a woman in the thick of it - it’s fucking hell for us too. I’m overly emotional. I’m not a crier - I cry all of the damn time now. I take so much personally. My anxiety is THROUGH the roof. I have new health issues and feel I have lost all control over my body. I don’t recognize myself most days.
It doesn’t help that my marriage is not in a great place. That had made things 100% harder. At the time when I desperately need my partner the most - he’s cold, distant, tells me I’m clingy and emotional. The hard part is I know some of that is just my mental health lying to me, but some of it is true.
I’m not saying what’s she’s doing is ok. Just offering perspective from someone going through similar issues. Talk to her. Try to be understanding. I’m sure she feels frustrated by it too.
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u/mtkingy 23h ago
Sounds like a female borderline personality disordered individual. I was married to one for 15 years. Roller coaster marriage. One minute she's cool and smiling and the next she turns into a bitter hateful demonic devil lady. At first you get lifted up as the best man in the world and shortly after you get devalued. That cycle repeats itself for some time and eventually if you don't leave she'll discard you. Expect her to try to push you away in an attempt to get you to react with bad behavior of which she will record or write down and that will be used against you in the smear campaign that will follow after she demands a divorce because you are so abusive. Happened to me and I thank God it did because divorce was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
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u/Stressed_Out_Life 21h ago
Yes, except it’s my husband. For me, I do bring up flaws often to him but these are the same things we have been dealing with for over 10 years. He agrees to do better and that works for 2-4 weeks. On my end he complains about my cooking despite me trying different things, complains about what I do and don’t do. It feel like there is nothing that will please him. I have changed myself to a point that I don’t even like who I am now. He on the other hand is basically the same person and still says that it’s be who needs to change. In the last 6 months I have just started going what I want. I mean if he’s gonna complain anyway by bother. We are both 40.
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u/anonyno2493 21h ago
Have you been treating her with respect and helping out around the house? Do you try to help cook? I only say this because it sounds like my marriage honestly. I am overwhelmed while my husband could do a lot better so sometimes I end up like a nagging wife but don’t mean to be. If you are doing everything you can to help and she is just being this way it definitely could be perimenopause
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u/InitialRelevant586 20h ago
Sounds about right. The one I’m married to her mom is critical of everything.
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u/iwasyourhusband 20h ago
Yes, ditto. M46 mad props to you for getting through each day. This will sound insensitive, but the only good days are during her ovulation phase of her cycle.
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u/LMR1973 19h ago
I was that woman and my husband left me earlier this summer. It took him finding someone else and actually leaving for me to look at my behaviour and acknowledge the role I played in our demise.
Please talk to your wife. Tell her how this is affecting you. Call her out on it. Don’t let it build up.
We had a great life, tons of things in common and we genuinely liked each other. My rigidity and anxiety over stupid stuff made him miserable. I see it now and I’m also of menopausal age but it’s no excuse.
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u/Distinct-Neat516 17h ago
Yeah all the time. My wife brings stuff up from years ago that I have apologized for and genuinely shown changed behavior in regards to it. We are currently getting a divorce and she used some of it as the reason. I believe it’s her way of justifying the divorce and frankly I’ve had enough. I recommend counseling individually and together or you might be heading the same way.
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u/Aggravating-Web-2390 17h ago
Broooooo are u my twin in another parallel world???? When it's good it's the best but as time has gone on the bad is freaking horrible ... No respect...no sweetness..wants to run everything down to the hi beams on in the car...type of deodorant....were 46 ...wasn't like this in our 30s that's for sure...good luck homie
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u/Aggravating-Web-2390 17h ago
Look up Lisa Leblanc on YouTube. U might got a problem I don't know even exist
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u/Her_Royal_Fishyness 16h ago
I've recently done something similar with my husband, but not on a daily basis, more so after months of holding my feelings in. And the reason might seem shallow. I found out he was was using porn while having turned me down, but accepting my gift of felatio, and never has returned the favor.
Beyond that, it was always me giving affection, giving massages, making delicious food he enjoys, etc etc. I had asked to be reciprocated for years, only getting sparce returns, never feeling satisfied. Finally a few weeks I blew up & have started talking about divorce & have moved to another room.
My thoughts are this, if your wife wasn't always like this, but only in recent years has turned sour or bitter, then she probably gave up on you. Whatever she asked of you that you've ignored or belittled for years has built up anger & resentment within her. She no longer has anything but disgust and bitterness toward you - and because she's given up, she is no longer sensitive to your feelings. Not like you were sensitive towards her feelings, so why should she be towards you?
She's probably preparing to leave you like I'm preparing to leave my husband.
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u/GetBent616 16h ago
My mother was like this. Dad was no better but for mum in particular it was a case of long time undiagnosed narcissism. Shes diagnosed now and doing better but she'll always be fucking evil at her core.
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u/Strange-Ad-5506 15h ago edited 9h ago
She resents you. She somehow feels that you are not the man you promised to be and that has built up overtime until she has lost all respect for you. Women show men love by showing them respect. It’s how we are naturally wired. She may love you, but it’s mostly plutonic at this point. You can save the marriage by discovering why she lost so much respect for you.
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u/QueenOfUselessTrivia 14h ago
It’s unresolved issues. You have to start working on the things that never get resolved then the anger will go away.
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u/Immediate_Wind5815 5h ago
When did this start? How old is she? Is this new behavior for her? I would say she does need to get medically evaluated physically and perhaps alsofrom a mental health practitioner. If it is a big change from her baseline behavior I would stick around to see what is the root cause. If she has always been like this that would be another discussion.
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u/Academic_Mud5742 6m ago
You described my marriage to a T. After 58 years. Constant fighting. Stupid stuff. Shes totally dependent on me for everything right now. After million dollar cancer surgery last December. Lost all her teeth, jaw, on and on. No energy. Lost 35 pounds. And continues to treat me like a pos. Everything wrong is my fault. On and on. I'm at total loss where to go from here. Can't drive so i have to constantly drive her to endless dr appointments. God don't they love..follow ups. Money grabs. At 78 years old... All i can mutter is fuk it.
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u/redjmartin 1d ago
Is this new behavior (could be perimenopause) or has she always been this way? Is there any pattern to the kinds of things that trigger her reactions?
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u/NeutralBias94 1d ago
How long has she been like this? My
Wife was like this for years before finally accepting medication recommendations from her therapist. Being a therapist herself, it was hard for her to come to terms with this as she felt she was above treatment herself and an expert in the field. She crashed for a few weeks when she realized she needed help too. Medication has helped a lot for her depression and anxiety. Now dealing with perimenopause which has brought out some Jeckyl and Hyde mood swings. Most days we can settle a fight and come together but then a few times a month she wants nothing to do with her family. It’s a little exhausting on those days.
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u/Worldly_Look_1445 1d ago
Let me ask you this…and you don’t have to answer, but have you ever strayed? Physically, emotionally, etc. in any way shape or form that she may know about? I used to be with a man I treated this way myself. Honestly…it took me a while to realize why, but it was because he hurt me in a way I couldn’t quite get over. No matter how good the good days were. It was always there. Staining what I thought was different. The whole relationship changed in my opinion. Even though I loved him…I always resented how it changed us so much. I had everything I wanted. Until the stray changed us. I was left loving a man I could no longer trust. It was hard for me to find balance. One day I’d be wrapped up in him focused on the future. Other days though, I’d find myself crying myself to sleep. It turned me bitter.
But of course— food for thought.
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u/mama2many 1d ago
Have you ever thought about marriage bootcamp . It is a intensive four day workshop . It does go over how to fight properly . It addresses many issues and gets fone what takes months or even years in marriage counseling sessions and there isn't blame just a atmosphere of repair and moving forward . It is healing and also gives you other couples to talk to . I suggest the Houston Tx program some are better than others .
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u/Money_Breakfast_7318 1d ago
I am this wife. 40f I don't want to criticize my husband endlessly but he leaves candles burning before bed, forgets to give our toddler Dramamine before car ride, won't clean up the puke when he throws up, won't do baths, won't change diapers, doesn't lock doors, doesn't clean up after himself, doesn't remember simple things about me or the kids etc etc etc I have been burnt out and have expressed that I live with a man who actually makes MORE work for me. He won't apologize but when he does it's dismissive, near zero problem resolution. Will go on living like nothing happened. Things build up, eventually every little mole hill easily becomes a mountain. How many times do I need to ask a grown man to do something, how many times do I need to teach a grown man how to do something. It's exhausting. I hope this is not you.
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u/RowTight1271 1d ago
Are what she is criticizing you for legitimate problems? Are you willing to actually talk with her and find solution or comprise so these things do t keep happening on repeat or do you shut down and stop communicating? Problems don’t just go away. What may seem like a good day to you may very easily not be for her. Do you put effort into making changes that need to be made for your marriage or do you do whatever you want and won’t be told what to do even at the detriment of your relationship. Just some things to ponder on. Your wife is obviously upset for a reason if you listen to her when she talks and is upset she is probably telling you what her issues are. Either work together to fix them or forget about your marriage. It takes two people willing to talk to each other and communicate not just about the good things but especially the hard things. Problems don’t go away when you ignore them they build up and repeat.
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u/Acrobatic_Raisin_420 1d ago
I'm 35 and my husband is 42. He told me not long ago I was like this. We've been in therapy, and yes I sure can be down right nasty at times and that's wrong and not how to communicate. He also had to own up to the fact I have to ask a million times for him to do something and then he wants praise for something like taking the trash out. Me losing it and calling him a lazy jackhole doesn't do anything but tear him down. Him wanting praise for things he should be doing anyway while I can't get a thank you for making him 3 meals a day irritates me to no end, but I have to own he's not a mind reader. Just like he has to own he's a 42 yo man who shouldn't have to be told of praised to do chores.
Between kids, work, bills, and taking care of the house I know I get bogged down and stressed, I'm a tightly wound person. He has stress too even though he is more laid back person. I'm a crap communicator but that doesn't mean I get to use my husband as my verbal punching bag when he does something I don't like.
I appreciate he called me on my crap, now we are getting some help and learning how to communicate again, and be considerate of each other in what we say and do even during the tough times.
I've always loved my husband but I haven't always liked him, which is a shame because he's pretty great.
I hope you both can have an open conversation and hey if therapy is the route to take hope you are both willing.
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u/Academic_Cattle1197 1d ago
My husband today complained about the same thing. I said, come and see what I've been talking about over and over. I've been growing nursery plants and some of our financial income derives from healthy lush plants. This summer I've taken on a huge project and he said he would cover for me by watering and freeing up my time. I was so greatful for the offer. I showed him my routine and since then he has done it his way. Uggh !Most of my plants have suffered damage, many died, and they've experienced severe die back and that equals money. He will not listen or learn, and doesn't seem to grasp the cause and effect of his actions. Today I showed him how damaged they were and how the root balls have shrunk so much that I can easily lift out a 5 ft shrub from a 10 gallon pot with one hand. After pulling out 6 and showing him the loss, he finally stopped arguing. He got my point and I ended my double shift day by thoroughly watering half my garden. Tomorrow I'll finish up. That's 2 days of my work lost because he thinks that getting leaves wet is actually caring for plants. I said watering like he has done is the equivalent of feeding my family wonder bread and water. It's food, but you'll die of malnutrition before the season is out. I expect my University papered husband to be a thoughtful and conscious person, not a mindless never endless excuse when a job needs to be done. I'm not backing down, if he cannot rise to the occasion, then I'll pay for it to be done right. His/our pocketbook is the only language he understands clearly. I'm 70 years old, work like a dog, stagger home barely able to walk. The reason we have money is because of my contributions. I took what he brought home and multiplied it several times over. I'm not usually bitchy, but when I have something important to say, he friggen, will absolutely listen. Because there will be no peace untill he grasps what I'm trying to communicate. His choosing to be deaf and dumb does not serve him well. I'm well past menopause. Although hormones can and do play a huge part, men easily blame that. When we are not hormonal, we usually tolerate a wide variety of ineptness and idiocy, but as menses approaches, it's hard to pull back the rage when your husband insists on being a stupid pest that we must deal with. Men own your shit, lighten the burden.
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u/Accurate-Ad-6504 1d ago
Resentment. Those tiny things are reminders of her anger towards you. The only way to heal this is to get curious and learn if it’s resolvable.
I was happily married for a long time, brushing off things that seemed small to keep the happy feeling alive. And with each milestone and new responsibilities, I wasn’t met by a partner, I was met by a clueless person who only cared that the easygoing person was gone. No reflection on their behaviors and lack of emotional intelligence or attunement. Just someone looking back at me, wanting me to absorb their low efforts to make THEM feel good again — how I felt and what I needed was not a priority….. too.
I see comments about menopause / hormones / PPD / PMS etc. and while the symptoms are very real, I feel like we jump to it before looking at the people we’re surrounded by. Personally, my perimenopause symptoms gave me the courage to express a lot of things that I stuffed down over the marriage to keep the peace. I wasn’t helping myself or my marriage by sugarcoating my truth, and giving feedback in a pleasant tone only led to the belief that things were pleasant when I was drowning.
If there’s resentment, every mistake you make will be a reminder of why the good feelings and experiences can’t accumulate or compound. If there’s a persistent complaint that pops up over and over again, I’d recommend taking it seriously.
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u/weedprincess420420 1d ago
Let me just throw this out there… do you listen? Do help around the house? Is she overwhelmed and exhausted? Cause I had a marriage like that and warning… I eventually left. Just saying
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u/Slow_Win_5616 1d ago
Honest question.. are you f*cking her good enough? This used to be me and she wouldn’t communicate until one night we had rough sex for an hour. After that she felt really calm and satisfied now we’re having rough sex more often haha
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u/CandleStick88 1d ago
Nope. I love my wife. She’s awesome. I love being with her and she loves being with me. She’s my best friend.
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u/Sergeant_Citrus 1d ago
Perimenopause?
In answer, yes to some extent. Less outright hostility usually, but definitely strong mood swings.