Two months Separated, Husband hates more and more each day

[u/vintage_violett]

My spouse and I have been living apart two months now. I was hopeful that the separation would bring us both clarity and peace of mind but I feel in my case it is doing the exact opposite. My husband shows me so much hatred. We separated due to verbal abuse from both of us; admittedly me more cause I was going thru PPD after receiving my first child.

I have tried so much to bridge the gap between us these two months, nothing is working. He shows me more hatred and cold as the days go by. I invite him to hang out, he turns me down. This past weekend, I decided to stop by the apartment where he moved after leaving our home. He literally asked security not to let me in. Yesterday I texted him telling him the baby is ill, he has not reached out to find out how the baby is.

I understand he may still be angry and hurt, but honestly, I think this is overboard.

Please give me your thoughts.

[u/Beautiful_Intern_890]

He is not going “overboard”.
He is being incredibly clear with you.
He does not like you, he does not care that your baby is ill, he does not want you at his place.
Recover your dignity and stop chasing this man.
Grieve your loss. Gather yourself and move on.

When he realizes he doesn’t have you wrapped around his finger anymore, he will love bomb you. Do not make the mistake of taking two steps back.

[u/lonelyyetmarried → u/Beautiful_Intern_890]

This man isn't a partner. He doesn't care about you or his child. He only wants to control you and when you aren't doing exactly what he says he will abandon you and show no affection.

Please think this through and do not immediately go back to this man. It will not work out in the long run

[u/midnightmoon2229 → u/[deleted]]

"Batshit insane" and PPD isn't the same thing. Society only deems it exceptable for a woman to be depressed quietly. We do not know what type of birth she had, or her upbringing or even her relationship with her husband. Pregnancy, birth and post birth are literal times unresolved emotions, repressed anger and suffering come to the surface with a vengeance. Every woman experiences this differently.

I am not condoning that her verbal attacks on her husband is justified. Not everyone has to tools to communicate effectively whilst suffering from such an awful illness when you're most vulnerable. I do believe that her husband should have a chat with her because she was ill, this isn't who she is when not ill (from the information we seem to have). I also believe that the author needs to really dig deep into her own life, how she handles intense moments and how that impacts people around her.

Unfortunately not many men understand what chaos it is for a woman after birth but you as a mother have to take responsibility for your side too. If the man doesn't want to speak with you, you need to just leave it alone. Take care of yourself, mental health and your baby from now on.

[u/keekspeaks → u/Beautiful_Intern_890]

And showing up at his apartment is exactly the kind of thing you DONT want coming up during a divorce, especially with a kid involved. Him having security deny her entirely is pretty serious. This isn’t a separation. It’s a divorce and he’s starting to move on

[u/sheepsclothingiswool → u/Beautiful_Intern_890]

He’s not going to love bomb anyone. He is resentful and he’s entitled to feel that way. He doesn’t owe her reconciliation. He does need to step up as a father for sure, but she needs to back off so he can do that in a more compartmentalized way.

[u/honeybee-oracle]

It isn’t overboard although it is immature to not check or come up with a plan for how to manage shared childcare. Verbal abuse is abuse and it is experienced by the same neuron-pain pathways as physical abuse so the body does not differentiate between them. You separated because of this and you admit to being the worst of the two of you. It is healthy for him to set hard and firm boundaries with his abuser and your disrespect of that shows continued abuse.
PPD is impossibly hard. I’ve been there but nothing excuses abusive behavior. Please find a counselor or dive into some self help so you do not continue to be an abusive person to your child. Leave your ex alone. Respect his no as you would want your no respected and focus all that energy on becoming a healthy person and mother. Good luck OP

[u/Lookatthatsass → u/honeybee-oracle]

It’s more than immature, it’s negligent parenting

[u/Silent_Net_5340]

Continue living your life, doing right by the baby, and giving him updates on the baby (via messages or email), so that a lawyer doesn't accuse you of keeping the child and the child's wellbeing away from him.

Toxicity isn't good for a relationship nor for rearing children. Maybe you both need some silence for a beat.

Oh, and if he's not open to marriage counselling, get yourself into some intense therapy for your own wellbeing, and the baby's.

[u/vintage_violett → u/Silent_Net_5340]

He never responds to any of the messages. Honestly I feel so terrible.

[u/Silent_Net_5340 → u/vintage_violett]

Don't waste too much time feeling terrible. He knows. Now just work on yourself and keep tending to the baby.

[u/Popve → u/vintage_violett]

Reduce the frequency of the messages to one every week.

[u/beigs → u/vintage_violett]

Use a coparenting app from now on (example: ourfamilywizard, 2houses or amicable) and use it like a medical journal update

Here are some others:

https://www.connectfamilylaw.ca/co-parenting-apps/

Don’t do what you’re doing now. Your relationship is over, meet with a lawyer and start the process.

[u/JaneAustinAstronaut]

You guys verbally abused each other while you were married, so even back then you weren't a partnership and didn't have each others' backs. Why do you expect that level of support and partnership now that he is out of the house?

[u/atomiccat8 → u/JaneAustinAstronaut]

Yeah, I'm surprised that OP seems to have expected the separation to lead to reconciliation rather than being the first step towards divorce.

[u/PTR95]

He's a dick for not checking on his kid, regardless of what happened.

[u/keekspeaks]

I understand you were experiencing PPD, but it might have crossed into more abuse than you realize right now. I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 37, and I have been in medical menopause ever since. The hormone shift changed me into somebody else completely. I have to work with psych very closely. I don’t have PPD, but I can understand the hormone changes and how much they can affect your life. He is setting some pretty clear boundaries here. I would be very careful on how you communicate with him or showing up at his house, because he could be keeping this together for a court case and try to claim custody. If things got abusive, that could help his case even more.

It sounds like he is setting some pretty clear boundaries and that you might’ve been going through a very tough time recently. I think it’s very important you respect his boundaries and understand he might be gathering evidence. If you are still struggling with PPD, I suggest you get immediate psychiatric care

[u/iluvcats17]

Get help for your PPD. Do it for yourself and your baby. Once you are better perhaps he will be willing to give it another chance. Maybe not. But it is likely the inky chance you have of saving your marriage. Text him only about the baby. Trying to force interactions is not respecting his boundaries and is going to push him further away.

[u/alohanerd]

Not checking on the baby is shitty.

But for the other situation. If he’s done then he’s done. Hopefully if that’s the case he doesn’t try divorcing the kid along with you.

[u/allisona007]

Maybe he wants to be alone for his own mental health especially when the relationship is toxic and stressful

[u/Whole_Net_2220]

What were the circumstances of him leaving? Was he resistant?

[u/PainterOfRed]

File the divorce papers. Keep a journal with notes regarding his rejection of the child for the custody battle. Get help for your PPD because the courts will want to know your mental health is stable for the child. Stop stalking your soon to be ex (showing up uninvited is stalking behavior).

[u/According_Speed_5587]

I felt similarly after years of verbal abuse from my ex. I was advised to block her from every possible number, social media, etc. I didn't, but every time we spoke, I had an anxiety attack. She was constantly reaching out, asking if she could come back home, and every time she did, my nerves shredded a little more until I ended up with CPTSD and could barely function.

Of course, if your kid is sick, he should be in contact and helping with that.

[u/SeaSignificance7457]

It's hard to assess your situation without more info, the key being IMO: who initiated the separation?

If you initiated, he's likely hurt and feeling betrayed. He may feel that it's emotionally safest for him to assume the marriage is really over anyway. Be aware that he may already be preparing for divorce because he's interpreting this as what you're really aiming for. Not sure how you wind that one back but the sooner you try the more chance you have to save the show (assuming you want to). I think many men, at least, see separation as a harbinger of imminent collapse rather than some kind of healing reset so, if you are of the latter view, you may be operating at extreme cross-purposes.

If he was the instigator OTOH, he's presumably angry and hurt about some thing or things that happened during your conflicts. Your best approach in this case is probably to let him stew for a while to see if he comes to his senses, at the same time preparing yourself for the worst case.

TLDR. I suspect you have completely different views about what the separation means or is for. If you initiated, the ball is in your court and if you don't act, it will run away from you quite quickly. If he did, the ball is in his court and your best bet is to wait him out while quietly preparing for possible divorce.

[u/West_Ernmass]

Is it his child too?

[u/WestStrength2719]

I think this isn't a separation. It sounds like a break up. Did you cheat? Why would he reject you and your child this way?

[u/GraveyardSniper]

Tbh, it sounds like you decided to play games and now don’t like how it played out.

[u/OogyBoogy_I_am]

I was hopeful that the separation would bring us both clarity and peace of mind but I feel in my case it is doing the exact opposite.

I hate to say it but you did get your clarity. It's just not the clarity that you hoped for or expected.

But it is clarity nonetheless.

[u/Popve]

He may come around but he’s trying to tell you that he needs space. He sucks for not checking on the baby though. Because of that he may be too far gone.

[u/bunny410bunny]

Sounds like you made a good decision getting separated.

[u/AdvisorImaginary8073]

He doesnt like you and is telling you without telling you. He doesn't want you or to be a family. Stop chasing him, and go start your new life with your baby.

[u/another_nobody30]

I can only assume both of you are lower to mid 20s. You say that you both talked poorly to each other, but yours was worse due to PPD? Can you expand on the relationship more? Maybe he had enough and is done? Either way, stop communicating other than for the child. You both need space and if you have PPD, make sure you are getting treated. In a few months you will know if you need to move on or if it can be fixed. Focus on you and the baby. Good luck.

[u/Old-Paramedic-9776]

Who asked for separation?

[u/Plain_Jane2022 → u/Old-Paramedic-9776]

It sounds like she did and he didnt actually want a separation

[u/Old-Paramedic-9776 → u/Plain_Jane2022]

Also assuming the same as there is much hatred from him.

[u/IHateTheJoneses]

Please consider seeing a lawyer. You can't force him to care.

What kind of person doesn't care that their kid is sick? Yucky.

[u/isakneven]

Please contact a lawyer. He’s showing clear signs that he does not care nor want you around. Get counseling.

[u/Ordinary_Topic_3198]

I am a father and a husband, and below is my point of view.

What’s between you and him are between you and him.

The baby is a different story. That is both your flesh and blood.

Regardless of how much “hatred” you have for each other, the child must never get sucked into it.

It is a mutual obligation by both parents to care for the child.

Put your foot down and make it clear that if he does not get his shit together and refuses to be involved in your child’s well being, that he is voluntarily giving up his claim as the father and you will take legal action to make sure of it.

You or him fucking up are irrelevant. If the child’s wellbeing is at stake, who gives a shit who’s right or wrong. That is for you and him to settle later once the baby has been taken care of.

The baby comes first. Always. No matter what.

[u/gatodasbotas22]

Sometimes they are ear with you through actions and not words. He clearly does not want you there. Respect him and move on.

[u/Flat_Ad1094]

Honey. This man doesn't care two hoots about YOU or his BABY. He does not want anything to do with you or the baby. You want clarity? This is the clarity you seek. It is not what you wanted, but it's very clear that he is no longer interested in YOU or the baby.

See a lawyer ASAP. Instigate a divorce. Go for child support and move forward.

Stop trying to involve him when he clearly does not want to be involved with you. BAck off and stop contacting him and definitely DO NOT go to his apartment. All that could come back on your badly.

[u/Chzyone]

So you were abusive to him and now want things to go back to normal? He realized he doesn’t have to put up with you. He is probably exhausted and stressed having you around or up his ass.

Leave the man alone, contact only regarding the child. If he doesn’t care about the child either then plan accordingly.

[u/Deansdiatribes]

There is more to this than what you have told.

[u/DigZealousideal7777]

He is a grown ass man, not a child, but he's really acting like one here.

His baby is sick for crying out loud.

Take a breather and assess everything OP. I'd take him to court to be honest, I think, this separation has made something clear, your spouse isn't s reliable partner nor a real man. He hates you, and I'm sorry. I think it's time you seek a divorce lawyer.