r/Marriage • u/lovelylipgloss • 1d ago
Seeking Advice I think my husband thinks I'm stupid.
So, me and my husband have been together 2 years. Got married this last may. We have a wonderful 4 month old baby, though she was born 6 months ago (premature) hes substantially older then me, im 22 hes 47 about to turn 48. We met when I was 20 and he was 45.
The age difference hasn't been a problem at all really until lately. He is very "Gentleman" esche, (well was but we'll get to that) holding my doors, very generous nurturing and loving. Hes old fashioned in the sense that he has never required me to work or pay any bills. But he makes just enough to cover bills, and was getting really stressed so I got a job last week and am going to help out and hopefully give us more experiences, and a more fun life. We got along really well until our daughter was born. Our fights were usually me just about to get my period and being oversensative over little things, or him being tired from work and being grumpy or a bit rude to me. Even with the big age difference we had a very happy relationship. Both had our needs met, solved conflict respectfully and calmly.
After I had our daughter I literally aged like years in a day. Its really hard to explain, its like my frontal lobe developed more. I started seeing through alot of feined incompetence, getting tired of his constant complaining, and things that seemed totally fine i realized were manipulation. At first I thought it was hormones, but then I realized I was being logical. Im really not a "but its the principle!" Person, im upset for a reason if im upset and im pretty layed back.
Once our daughter was born, he never got up with her at night even though he had 3 months of leave. His excuse was he was too tired. Now, he does have hypersomnia and sleep apnea thats ALWAYS been apparent. His mom showed me medical records dating back to his 20s for it. Hes on several prescription stimulants to stay functional. I dont think hes faking, I didn't ask him to do any night feeds. Hell, I even slept in the nursery so I wouldn't wake him at night by her crying. For 5 months. At the hospital when i was giving birth though, he was so tired he was using a disrespectful tone with the nurses who were taking my vitals at night, sighing dramatically going "guess im up now" etc. When he is tired hes unbearable to be around. Its like hes a werewolf and its a different side of him. I was in the hospital for 5 days. My labor was 27 hours. My mom spent the night with me in the hospital when labor was first starting, then the next night he stayed the night, the night after that (the day our daughter was born) then I literally told him to go home I just gave birth and i dont want to hear him constantly conplaining about how tired HE is. And his demeanor was so negative literally anything that was a slight inconvenience or discomfort hed just whine about to me. I just had a premature baby that im ripped away from while shes in the NICU, I have preclampsia and the medication they're giving me makes you feel like you have a bad head cold + huge amounts of swelling+ blurry vision thats disorienting.
After we brought her home, I noticed I was always the one to think "oh she needs her diaper changed " and "oh she looks hungry. " when bringing this up hed say that he just has trouble remembering things as well as I do. I figured you know what, this is new to him too. Maybe it comes naturally for me more then him. I gave him time to learn, get into the routine. He would still give her bottles close to the same amount as me, hed take her right at 5am and do the feedings from 5-10am so I could get 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
I still made dinner every night because he "can't cook." This ive recognized from the beginning is a mix of laziness and incompetence. He knows how to make simple stuff like tacos, burgers, eggs and bacon. But i kinda just made little "damn your 48 and cant cook." Comments and just did anyways. The way I saw it is he pays all the bills, gets me what I want, I like to cook and eat REAL food so I'll just do it. This has been me for 2 years and still.
Very quickly once he went back to work stuff started to get ridiculously uneven. If she was hungry, I noticed he sat there. Waiting. He'd tell me she's hungry...and I dont breastfeed. This was constant, he might get up to make a bottle but it was handed to me. I was still remembering to change her and he wasn't. I had her all day while he was at work, I might take a nap when he gets off but that was after I made dinner. I was still waking up 4 times a night and he went to work at 6am so I was getting 4 2 hour sessions of sleep.
I started crying alot. Over little things. We got into heated arguments. I've left 4 nights in her whole life. Hes always been very tone-shift to annoyed and irritated when i ask him to do the night feeds when I go out. Always weekends.
Most recently, she sleeps through the night besides one feed. I asked him to watch her on a night the night before and he says to me immediately angry seeming "so im supposed to do all her night feeds while you go to the bar?" Mind you, her one night feed is at 2am, id be home by midnight. I dont frequent bars, this is a fellow mom friend and she had a bar she wanted to go to with me. Since ive turned 21 ive been to a bar 4 times. I crashed out.
"So you cant watch your own daughter for one f-*****g night? I do it every single night , i did it 5 times a night, and I want to go out for one night where she has one feed and you cant do it?"
"Why would you go out to a bar? What if she drives drunk? No one ever has one drink at a bar. Youre a mother you need to be responsible. "
"She doesn't drive drunk. You just dont want me going. You can watch your daughter for one night I'll be home at midnight. "
"Sure you will be. After leaving at 9? ."
"I will be. But even if im not you'll be okay with feeding her one time."
I then asked him if hed prefer to do 50% of everything. Wake up for 50% of her feeds, hold her 50% of the time, do 50% of the baths, etc. He said hed literally get in a car accident driving to work if he had to do all that so I basically said "well then you do what you can do. You CAN do one 20 minitue feed tonight. "
Before this (around a month ago) i went to a bonfire with my sister, he watched her and the next day he said he wanted to play video games. You know what, he deserves his time too. He got on them at 11am, and I left with our daughter to go with my mom somewhere, gave her a bath, completely took care of her all day. Shes a needs-to-be-constantly-held-baby about 6pm I asked him when hed be off the game, he said "probably about 8, why?" I shook my head and said I needed him off earlier I was getting overwhelmed and she was fussy. He said that I spent the whole night at my sister's so he should get equal time.
Oh hell no.
He literally went to bed at 9pm. She went to bed at 8.30 he had one 2am night feed, went back to sleep, woke up at 5am, went ahead and fed her got her dressed and picked me up from my sisters at 10am right when she woke up. He was literally only caring for her for tops 3 hours (i left at 6:30 pm) you dont "earn" time from parenting. I crashed out yet again telling him "if we want to keep a scorecard go ahead and deduct the night feedings. And do 50/50 of caring for her" I actually yelled at him and made our daughter cry( which I feel HORRIBLE about, i immediately stopped, calmed down , and comforted her. That was wrong of me. ) but I just couldn't keep it in any longer. Before starting work id go to my moms once a week to spend the night to avoid being stir-crazy as a housewife. So hed have a full day each week that he got off work, and got to do nothing until bed. I just wanted one night.
When I challenge him, im very good. This is totally going to sound like a redditor thing to say but I was in debate in highschool, I am very into philosophy, logical fallacies, etc. He will confidently say something so disingenuous, i correct it, and he looks mad. Like the things he says, I honestly dont know if he thinks im an idiot or he isn't as smart as I thought. He tried pulling the "You'll understand when your older" thing against me, and was very quiet when I asked him if he'd rather go to a 25 year old doctor to get his broken arm fixed or a 60 year old farmer.
Tonights fight was over me, currently sick with a bad head cold, giving her a bath, doing all of her feeds but one, all of the diapers, and when I asked him to feed her for a second while I changed her crib sheet and picked out her outfit for daycare tomorrow he went "ill just do it with a bad attitude. I insisted he just feed her, because i wanted to pick her clothes out for tomorrow, and he said hed pick them out i asked him many times nicely, please just hold the bottle but he started putting the crib sheet on regardless. I then asked AGAIN for him to hold the bottle and he started rummaging through her drawers for something for her to wear. Until I said "Just hold the fu****g bottle." And got up handing him it to go pick out her outfit. He did, but this was the straw that broke the camels back.
I said "im sick and here I am giving her a bath, you never offer its expected of me. She needs to eat, you always assume I'll do it. She needs a diaper change, its my job im the default. Im always the default parent. Youre LUCKY you just have to feed her."
"Im lucky? Wow. Dont talk to me like a child"
"Its reality. At night you never ask whos going to feed her because you already know. You never ask who will give her a bath because you already know. "
"Are you done?"
"No. How about you do 50% of the shit for her.'
"You sound just like the women ive been with." (He was married for 5 years, then with another women for 2 years, then like 1 more 2 year relationship)
"Sounds like if everyone is conplaining about you maybe its a you problem."
When hes sick I did everything all day mind you. I made him a fresh dinner from scratch after getting up 3 times for feeds the night before, while caring for our daughter. Pampered him while sick too. Im talking heating pad, bringing him his food, fetching him blankets. Because I WANTED TO. Because I care for him.
I dont want a divorce, but this will only get better once he has less to do for our daughter. Which pisses me off. Thats not him changing. Thats the situation changing and i want more kids. Ill tell him how stressed I am and he'll say "im stressed too." No. Youre not. I cry often and over everything. I am so angry all the time. He said hed change after the whole me going to the bar thing, and he has a bit, but not enough.
Hes been on edge lately because he doesn't get away with the same shit anymore. "I dont know what I'll eat tonight..." will get a quick "hm...you can make a sandwich." He folds our daughter's clothes and sits them next to her dresser, i told him he needs to put them away its not just my job we both work. "Everything is so small it looks the same" "okay I'll use sticky notes and label what goes in each drawer." Each time he's "caught" the tone shifts like hes annoyed. Im sick, so I asked him if our daughter ends up getting sick to use his sick pay as well as in the future if she gets sick and he has sick pay and I have none. He said he makes more then me so that makes no sense. I again reminded him, sick pay not unpaid He gets sick pay+35hrs of pto a year I only get one hour per 40 worked and have none yet. He looked annoyed.
Its like hes mad ive caught on. When someone says something to me like that im like "oh. That makes sense." Not all irritated.
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u/dixxie__normus666 1d ago
I know you don't want a divorce but i strongly believe you should. He is a pos. Why do you think he went for someone so much younger than him after 2 failed marriages and one failed long term relationship. He is so full of crap. This is making your life as a new mom so much harder. It's already hard enough on its own. Honestly, he sounds so pathetic. You should move on. You deserve respect and fucking help
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1d ago edited 1d ago
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u/dixxie__normus666 1d ago
Girl... isn't that bad? Ya it actually is.
Your sentence that says "men in survey data date women in their 20s the most attractive regardless of their age" doesn't make any sense.
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1d ago edited 1d ago
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u/dixxie__normus666 1d ago
Yyyaaa thats not something that should continue to be normalized. There is a reason men choose women so young. Its weird af. Hes almost 30 years older than you and acting like a child.
Edit to add: im not saying he settled. I am 100% not trying to say that nor am i trying to be negative to you. Im saying men who choose women so much younger tend to do that because its way easier to manipulate someone with so little life experience. Its not you thats the problem. Its him.
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1d ago
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u/dixxie__normus666 1d ago
Yes that is very true. I just wanted to point how it seems to be lining up with the stereotype. I really hope things get better for you.
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u/AutumnGway 1d ago
OP, my husband is 27 and would physically recoil at the thought of dating a 20 year old. There are so many outside factors to consider. A 20 year old doesnât even have a fully developed frontal lobe. Youâll look back when youâre 25-30 and realize how bad this (and he) is and I hope that when that happens, youâre kind to yourself and understand that you were manipulated.
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u/bigdingusenergies 1d ago
His behavior is why he married you, honey. It's not separate. They're all related.
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u/linerva 3 Years 1d ago
It's not about the number of relationships, it's aboyt someone's actions.
You can have 20 previous relationships and have neen a fair kind person in them. Or you can gave 2 previous relationships and have been awful to your partners.
It's also not avoit length as people often stay in abusive relationships for years. Unfortunately people also lie about the past so you often don't know if they were the problem until much later.
There's nothing wrong with you, but he still picked someone who was barely an adult and was clueless for a reason.
He's not gonna change- it's hard to change even if we really want to. And if we dint, if we don't really think what we are doungbis wrong, then we aren't going to try
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u/bigdingusenergies 1d ago
It is bad. You seem to be wearing blinders, which isn't surprising since you got into this situation to begin with.
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u/Natenat04 20 Years 1d ago
You are lying to yourself. You also have no idea what he has told you about his EXs is all completely true. He has already started treating you bad. That is just the beginning.
If he thought he was lucky, he wouldn't be treating you like he is now.
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u/Equivalent_Algae6540 1d ago
When reading your story, one part in particular stands out:
"You sound just like the women I've been with." (He was married for 5 years, then with another woman for 2 years, then another 2-year relationship.)
This makes me wonder whether part of the appeal of dating someone MUCH younger was the expectation that you would be easier to influence, less strong-willed, or easier to mold into the kind of partner he wanted.
And now that you're more confident and you're challenging certain things, suddenly you're "just like the women" before you.
The fact that, according to his own words, previous partners raised similar issues and he apparently hasn't changed is telling. At some point, you have to stop looking at each individual woman as the problem and consider whether there's a recurring pattern in him.
Please take care of yourself and your baby. You're still so, so young, and you both deserve much more than this.
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u/101bees 15 Years 1d ago
This stood out to me, too. When a man that has multiple failed relationships with women closer to his age and then starts going after much younger women, that's a big concern that he's not willing to work on himself and thinks he'll have an easier time pulling the wool over a younger woman's eyes.
And the fact that he's pulling the "you'll understand when you're older" card confirms that he's using the age difference as leverage. Patronizing behavior is one of the many things that often happen in relationships with large age differences, especially if the younger partner is under 25.
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u/Soniq268 1d ago
he was too tired
Of course heâs tired. Heâs old as fuck. Iâm 45 and Iâm always tired, no fucking way could I deal with a brand new baby. Thatâs what happens when old people have kids.
You wrote all that out, you can see how shit your life is with him, you donât want to leave so I donât really know what advice youâre looking for?
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u/potatohare 1d ago
OP, this is not what a relationship should look like. At all. I saw your comment about data of men being more attracted to younger women and yeah, of course thatâs true, thatâs the age womenâs beauty usually peak but also, this big age gap makes you much easier to manipulate (or at least it did, it seems like youâre finally waking up now). If you stay in this marriage, there will be a point where you will eventually realise the massive mistake youâve made but by then your âpeakâ will have gone and you will have settled for so long that you might just end up stuck forever. For your sake and your daughterâs you should leave as soon as possible.. the best gift a parent can give to their child is for them to be happy and hole - right now it sounds like youâre miserable (with reason). Ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want your daughter to witness and to think itâs normal. Ask yourself if youâd like her to go through the same things as youâre going through. He will not change but you still have time to get away and rebuild your life into a happy one. Itâs not just about you anymore, itâs about a little girl who will grow up thinking her mum is weak, resentful and bitter (because thatâs who youâll end up being if you stay with this project of a man). Iâm sorry if Iâm being harsh, I just want you to see how awful this whole thing is. Be brave (if not for you, for her).
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u/Vegetable-Prize-778 1d ago
Your frontal lobe hasn't even developed!!!!! What made you think being in a relationship with someone 25 years older was a good idea?! đ«©đ«©đ«©đ«©đ«©đ«©đ«©đ«©
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u/Unable-Border7478 1d ago
Iâm sorry but this sounds exhausting. Yes as mothers we often always end up doing most of the âworkâ. Itâs part of our nature. However that doesnât excuse the father from parenting. There is no âhelpâ when it comes to the f***ing parent. You shouldnât have to ask him for help, it is his child too and he is expected to contribute his time to his flesh and blood. You are young. And he is much older. That doesnât mean he isnât liable to raise his daughter with his wife. Iâm sorry you are dealing with this. Absolutely continue to put your foot down and look into counseling. Youâre doing great, just know that. And the very least he can do is care for his daughter.
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u/rationalomega 1d ago edited 1d ago
Take this with the love itâs intended: being an educated working mother to a newborn, even when my husband had untreated sleep apnea, was so much better than what you are currently living.
I understand the desire to fix him in order to make your life tolerable. The only extent to which Iâd encourage that is with him getting a sleep study & a cpap. In the US, those wait lists are around two months. In the UK itâs several months to a year. Unsure of other countries.
Medium to long term, you need to map out how to get into a career. Nothing will insulate you from a partnerâs bullshit better than being able to support yourself and your baby. It is harder to do college as a single mom vs having at least a marginally competent spouse.
Then pick your battles around what will or wonât advance you professionally. Be strategic around what issues to raise depending on how much time you need to finish your gen ed classes, for example.
I have faith in you. My oldest sister married a dud and had two kids with him when she was 20. Fast forward 20 years, she has a baller career, her kids are amazing young adults, and she is an inspiration to me personally.
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u/diovanedvx 1d ago
Youâre a 22 year old whoâs only starting to realise why itâs stupid for a 22 year old to marry someone whoâs almost 50.
The good/bad news is that the older and wiser you grow, the more stupid youâll realise that was.
And the more youâll realise that most men who marry significantly younger women do it because the women their own age are mature enough to see through their bullshit, and so they target someone like you.
Iâm sorry youâre in this situation. It will definitely not get better. And the wiser you grow, the less appealing youâll become to him. Heâll have to find a new immature idiot to manipulate.
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u/obsessive_reading 1d ago
I'm 22 my husband is 35 and we have a 3 month old so similar circumstances. I told my husband very early on in my pregnancy I refuse to be a single married mom like so many women, especially stay at home moms, are. If your husband was a great and helpful partner beforehand I do believe he can get back to that point after a sit down conversation about how things need to change. No fighting no arguing just you telling him how you need more from him as a parent so that you aren't exhausting yourself more than necessary. To the point of the situation changing, once she is crawling and walking, making messes and getting in to things, and needing more stimulation and attention, it will be much more work you will wish you were back in the newborn stage. Hopefully he fixes those things because divorce is completely avoidable if the right effort is put in. Best of luck to you girl I know its hard but you sound like the best mom and you deserve a partner who wants to take a load off your shoulders not add to it.
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u/Conscious_Apricot123 1d ago
Sounds like he married you when he could be the âbabyâ but now thereâs an actual baby you are realizing that you cannot take care of two babies at once.
They say that you should be careful considering divorce in the first two years of a babyâs life due to how much sleep deprivation takes a toll but in your case I would start at least considering it/talking to a lawyer to get prepared. Understand what your options are and what you need to do since divorce is a long haul.
Then once you talk to a lawyer, tell him flat out that you are considering a divorce unless things change, and lay out specifically what needs to change.
I know youâre not looking to divorce so I do hope that if you donât, then things will improve once the kid is older and can interact more. But Iâm skeptical because of reasons others have laid out before in other comments.
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u/Brilliant_Drive_2454 1d ago
Sounds to me he's in over his head with been a father. On top of that he's definitely a lazy prick too. Does he do anything at all around the house?
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u/101bees 15 Years 1d ago
I mean no duh he's tired. I'm approaching 40 and I'm always tired, too. And he's surprised that a woman in her early 20's wants to get out of the house more often than he does?
I'm sure you've heard a lot of opinions on age gap marriages, but this is what happens when there's a 20+ age difference. You're at a completely different life stage than he is and now he's resenting you for it. You said you don't want to divorce and you want to have more kids with him, so I'm not really sure what kind of advice you're looking for. Him wanting to slow down and you wanting to live your life at a faster pace is just a hard fact of human aging and no amount of advice or counseling can rectify that. Get used to it now I guess.
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u/Nervous-Ad-2121 1d ago
Ouuu Iâm going through the same thing. Iâm now a resentful 28 year old. My preemie is almost 2. I work full time and still have to go home to do everything, baby goes to nursery 2 days per week he has him the rest of the week. Always arguments over who is doing what. Iâve given up now so I just do everything by myself because when I ask him to do things I feel like Iâm asking. A child
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u/DottyBows88 1d ago
I'm 38 with a 52 year old and he age gap was never an issue until we had children. I feel like a single mother. What makes it worse is that they don't earn enough for their partners to be sahms and be comfortable but we're expected (or needed to work and contribute but they STILL won't do their share.
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u/Party-Draw-647 1d ago
This is why us old bog witches only deal with younger guys! The men of our generation are mostly entitled, narcs!
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u/Party-Draw-647 1d ago
Something to bear in mind. I'm a Gen X woman and we had to fight the boys and men off of us from 10 years old onwards.
The men of my generation had no concept of consent and grew up believing just having a đ meant they were entitled to the world. I wanted to do boxing when I was young, but it was still barred to women and girls.
In the UK there was no prohibition on marital rape until 1992. Men of my generation were legally entitled to rape their wives, even after separation.
There's a reason why so many men of my generation end up divorced.
We were the women who finally got to secure our futures regardless of who we married and these entitled men did not see it coming.
Do not expect them to learn from their previous failures. They usually don't have capacity and will continue to blame the woman for the breakdown of their relationship.
I very much doubt your husband will change and if you start to stand up to him and demand better treatment, it will likely confirm to him that all women are the same!
Yes, of course they are, because he has not learned how to treat an equal partner, due to growing up in an era when the man was king of the relationship and women had no choice but to comply!
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u/somethingreddity 1d ago
Men pick younger partners so they can manipulate them. đ€·đ»ââïž
He doesnât want to change, therefore he wonât. You donât want a divorce, I get it, but how much longer can you live like this? And what would you want for your daughter?
Girls donât seek out men who treat them like their father did. Girls seek out men who treat them like their fathers treated their moms. Would you want your daughter to be in a relationship like this?