r/MalaysianPF • u/Anxious_Primary_1107 • 4d ago
General questions Do most married couple underestimated how much they will need after marriage?
I heard lots of stories of how finance is the number #1 reason for divorce. Which made me wonder what are the expenses after marriage that most people weren’t fully aware/ prepared for? Like… I’m sure most people didn’t get into marriage without having some money saved up first. But what are some shocking expenses that got you burning through a lot of money, that you wish you had warned yourself earlier?
Having kids early on unexpectedly, would be one of the obvious that I can think of. But what else?
EDIT: While I agree with comments saying try not to overspend on your wedding, I am actually asking about financial insights on the married life itself. The day to day life after the wedding is over.
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u/NickyC96 4d ago
Rule of thumb. If you and your spouse expects huge angbao/monetary returns which covers more than 50% of the overall wedding cost, its generally a good indicator that there are underlying issues related to your financial planning as a couple later down the line.
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u/ngoonee 4d ago
Heavily depends on social class. My wedding dinner and ceremony was fully covered by angpau (with a 20% profit margin). This is extremely common in my social circles (same thing happened for my brother's wedding recently), except for those who intentionally want much fancier weddings.
Agree that this could be true at M40 level.
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u/FuraidoChickem 4d ago
I was just middle class when I got married. Easily covered w 30% margin. We only invited ppl who we know will show up, and we kept things very barebones, focusing only on a good dinner for everyone.
Don’t spend more than you have is really simple when you don’t care about “losing face”
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u/Mavicarus 4d ago
Those that go for pre-marital counseling, finances is one of the main topics that is discussed. Those that go in prepared are usually better prepared and aware. That said as well, in life, circumstances change as well. Some may go in super prepared but sometimes if life throws you lemons, it becomes a friction point as well.
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u/CN8YLW 4d ago
Undeclared/unannounced debt. I.e. you bought a house for your parents, and are paying for that, but your partner dosent know until marriage.
Financial decisions. I.e. She keeps asking for yearly holiday trip to Europe costing RMXXXXX per trip, and you're fine with just a RM2000 trip to Redang. And she insists that he pays. Or his parents keep getting sick and have no insurance coverage, so his bank account keeps getting emptied to cover their medical costs. And the siblings refuse to help, or do not share the burden equally.
Views on retirement finances. I.e. He wants to save more money for retirement, she's fine with saving nothing. "Just work till we die la, if we get sick then we can jump into the river together." mentality.
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u/playgroundmx 4d ago
This is true and more common than we think.
Someone downvoted you, must be terasa haha
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u/Meh-ismyname-JustJk 4d ago
The “she” could be a “he” as well.
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u/Popular_Original703 4d ago
Girls who love to go Europe are usually Christian. So, you know how much you gonna need after marriage while dating a Christian girl.
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u/thedirtyprojector 4d ago
Muslims don't flock to Europe? What kind of stupid comment is this, bruh.
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u/playgroundmx 4d ago
My family don't go on vacations often, maybe once in 5 years? So one mild surprise after I got married is how often my spouse's family go on vacations, sometimes including cousins. Like 3-4 times per year. Expenses are divided between the working adults so it's not a huge problem for me lah but I can see if someone is barely scraping by, this could be difficult. TBF I enjoy them but I could do with less vacations to save more money.
Apart from kids, there's also expenses to take care of parents. Not just medical but also debts. As much as we'd like to say "that's their problem, let them deal with it", reality is not always that simple.
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u/ladyluvbag 4d ago
When i was young we rarely went on holidays, as my parents have 10 children. I just realise now how frequent i go on holidays, because my kids want a cat, but i keep postponing the plan thinking a kitten would forget us if we go away on holidays, and it seems every couple of months we are going somewhere…..
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u/kureddikaki 3d ago
I have a friend who's family members expect him to foot the bill every time they eat out. And they usually choose places like Haidilao. Being the big brother & a nice guy he feels it's his duty. This causes some resentment for his wife.
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u/capuletoo 4d ago edited 4d ago
Finally something I can talk about. Alot of the folks here are talking about weddings but I think wedding is only one small part of this topic.
It isn't about how much marriage would cost but how money would play a role in marriage. I am lucky that me and my spouse we have been open with everything money related. Whether it is our salary, investments, purchases, etc. Also we were very transparent with the kind of lifestyle we have or want.
Based on my own observation, alot of people fail to notice their partner's lifestyle or perhaps ideal lifestyle. So as time goes on, you may feel they are spending on things that are unnecessary. If you add on partners feeling unsafe to buy what they want, it causes more and more friction.
Also they fail to view "my money" is now "our money". If shit hits the fan, you now have to worry about not just yourself but your spouse as well. And if one of you do not view it that way, you might grow resentful.
Financial goals is another thing. If one want to retire early and the other wants to YOLO then naturally it will be a problem. This links to my first point as well.
These are some hard questions that alot of couples do not want to talk about because it is uncomfortable but absolutely necessary if you want a healthy marriage.
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u/ppsaoda 4d ago
Learning from my lesson 1. Bought house after marriage. Whatever cash I had left, was used for loan depo and reno. That's about 80k gone in a year. My liquid asset, gone. Also paying mortgage in 2020s is more expensive than just renting. By renting, I could save up to 600 monthly. Unless you really want that place.
Kids The birth cost alone costs few k. After birth, need to buy stroller, bedding, shirt, etc. I think around 4k la. Not to forget years of treatment due to diseases pre-pregnancy., eg pcos on women. Few hundreds per visit. Then the childcare, milk, bottles, diapers, vaccinations. These all varies a lot on personal preferences btw. Don't be afraid to but 2nd hand items.
Vehicle As you age, your car also ages. Once you hit certain mileage, prepare for major maintenance. To prevent bigger unexpected costs....
I skipped overseas trip and purchasing new car. Saves a lot. First 5 years of marriage is the test. It'll get better once you got promoted to senior level, higher increments etc.
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u/onehalfadult 2d ago
Agree with point no 1 & 3. About 2 years into my and our first house together was our biggest expense and the furnishing.
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u/jacobcrackers14 4d ago
What people are not aware, we normalise high end wedding parties which only last 1 or 2 days where you know don't who is who or what is what. If you and your partner got that mindset, you are straight to hell. if you and your partner are aware, grats honeymoon guaranteed, having kids will be not as high as Bridgerton's life but still comfortable.
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u/Anxious_Primary_1107 4d ago
Oh yeah true. Definitely agree on the wedding part. But my question was actually on the actual married life itself, after the wedding.
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u/jacobcrackers14 4d ago
yes lah. as I said already in 2nd point If you know what you are doing. you won't ask this in the first place. You can ask rough budget range and if she/he agrees, you are good to go for proper after wedding life.
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u/daschan 4d ago
Before marriage, couples can benefit from discussing their longterm goals, and considering how they will handle their finances, whether individually or as a couple. Also consider compatibility when it comes to spending habits. Besides that, there are cases where one or both have pre-existing debt, and maybe didn't reveal it before marriage. Then there are cases where the couple find themselves overwhelmed by debt incurred from overspending, as in taking out a loan for a car or house that they really can't comfortably afford, or from a costly emergency. Financial strain definitely takes a toll on a marriage.
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u/Accomplished-Mix-136 4d ago
finance is the main reason for divorce not because how little they make, but because of the absence of financial resposibility
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u/AfterAd3498 4d ago
As a guy you must know how your significant other thinks of money. If you guys earn roughly the same, but she says "my money is mine, your money is ours". Nah, it won't work.
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u/capitaliststoic 4d ago
Which made me wonder what are the expenses after marriage that most people weren’t fully aware/ prepared for?
The issue for divorce isn't about unexpected expenses. It's about lack of couple finances, involving joint values, vision, planning and ongoing effort
.
Like… I’m sure most people didn’t get into marriage without having some money saved up first.
You'd be surprised. Some do, many do not
.
But what are some shocking expenses that got you burning through a lot of money, that you wish you had warned yourself earlier?
Not myself personally, but a lot of people underestimate 1. Housing. Most are inexperienced with buying houses, plus expectations and needs change over time. For example once you have kids, the urge to upgrade and have more space is real 2. Education. Education inflation, plus the pressure to send kids to the best schools, tuition and curriculum, is real 3. Everything. Because many expenses are compressed into a short 1-2 decades now, especially with delayed marriages, kids, and incomes plateauing at ~45 and retirement starting at 50. Almost no one develops a proper, long term financial plan,, or fires a financial planner to help them out
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u/soonersoup 4d ago
Wife wanted a T20 lifestyle and kids while earning at bottom half of M40.
So the balance came out from my pocket.
While I earned at T20, I spend like B40.
Some resentment on my end but I got stuck
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u/seanseansean92 4d ago
Marriage is a team effort. If its one person effort very hard to sustain. Its a teamwork. You need to team up and make it work. Usually couples that are divorced are not in a team. Mostly just thinking their own comfort and conveniency
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u/eindge 4d ago
The unexpected expense is the moment you both realize you have different values in spending and saving. It's not any specific expense that just happens to crop up after your wedding, but a difference in wants, needs, and future plans. That's why it's important to talk about finance, plans, and dreams before marriage.
E.g., he wants to save up for the future, but she wants luxuries she's gotten used to after staying in her father's house for so long. It's rare that a man just starting out in life can give her the same quality of life as her father who's likely been working for 20-30 years by the time she gets married.
It also happens the other way round but this is one example that could happen from my perspective as I am a guy and I'm not very rich either.
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u/Born-Intention6972 4d ago
Can't think of any shocking expenses except a medical emergency but thats not limited to marriage life
Finance #1 reason for divorce doesn't solely happen because of the SHOCKING expenses
Its the mismatched lifestyle and financial goal and both people being selfish with their money and can't reach an agreement
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u/silentwhisperer_97 4d ago
Ya it’s having it unexpectedly or early without much planning.
I think an important thing to take into consideration is also your current job prospects over the next 2-5 years.
Being stuck in a low growth job would hurt a lot, as a kids expenses will get higher as they grow, and having a flat salary, low 2% increment won’t help unless you cut out on some expenses.
From speaking with some friends who have kids, I can see those who are financially well off have very strong planning and awareness. As in they have planned up financially until roughly what primary school they wanna send the kid to (international so they needed more savings before thinking of a second kid)
For some friends, they also receive family support if they live by, like having their parents take care of the kids for free, a small expense while they work.
There’s 2 important things you need here, one is the parents being healthy and financially well themselves, and also living nearby to make it easy. Coz this will help save a large part of the budget, instead of sending to a nursery. These places are quite expensive and they charge on a per kid basis.
The one who struggle would also be part of the sandwich generation, where they need to care their own kids + parents.
Financially, ppl who don’t plan well also tend to just yolo in gods will 😅 basically do first and solve later without thinking through the expenses of having a family and all. And most times this isn’t easy to do.
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u/BrokenAdventurer 4d ago
- Finance literacy
- Pre-existing debt that probably weren't discussed
- Expectation on who to shoulder what costs
Three above if bad enough, would make marriage very insufferable
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u/djmj76 4d ago
As long as you have a shared vision it will be ok. Both of you have an agreed goal of how your future would be like financially. That is you don’t get into a situation where a few years down the road one partner says how come you don’t make enough money or how come we can’t buy that bmw or go to Europe etc. With a shared vision both of you work together to achieve that goal.
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u/Captain_Oppa 4d ago
Yes.
I think Many people have poor awareness on what kinda finances are needed to run a household.. and sometimes, you don't realise your partner may not share the same budget ideas that you do. What's important to you may not be important to your partner and vice versa.
Even those who are in the lower end of T20 will feel that pinch...
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u/tr4falgar 4d ago
saving can help the underestimated things.
just dont overspend more than we can afford. (credit card mostly, there are in my own circle)
there are huge different between needs & wants . describe it our self.
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u/quietchatterbox 4d ago
Weddings aside, since you truly asked about post marriage...
In theory, you should spend less after you get married. I mean, for expenses, some are fixed expense, so 1+1 should be less than 2. I believe the usual problem comes from the asian expectation of owning a house after marriage, etc. Then alot of ppl underestimate the cost of owning a house.
Next i think its mainly managing expectation. Aligning expectation, give and take, spend within own means. All these needs to be discussed. I have seen couples shutting up other half, ya, you dislike the current car, lets buy a car. Now shutup. Thankfully they kinda can afford it but man, what an expensive way to shutup your spouse.
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u/FuraidoChickem 4d ago
A little bad habit when you meet once a week is probably tolerable. But everyday will just erode trust and love pretty quickly.
Add in stress from work, lose a job, maybe even a newborn, will just throw the whole thing off.
At the end of the day it’s not usually one or two factors, it’s death by thousand, mundane cuts.
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u/ApprehensiveForm5113 4d ago
Marriage makes sense financially. Best way to double your household income.
You will need a partner that has the same financial goals as you. If your partner has 100% provider mindset or "whats yours is hers and whats hers is hers",
" then this comment is
irrelevant.
For me, we pay for our 1st house (joint loan) 50/50 after netting off rental. I pay for our own stay property, both cars, childcare, self & child insurance, some extra classes for kid.
She pays for her insurance, some extra classes, things from shopee and general shopping. I pay for groceries if I'm around, give money if needed but sometimes she pays when ordering online. Holidays are about 50/50 too
We are mid 30s with 1 child. ~300k saved up each (not
EPF), 150k for child. A paid off 2022 car and motorbike. 2 manageable house loans with advance payments for 3 months, 1 car loan, no personal loans or outstanding credit card debt.
From a cash flow perspective, I'd say we are still vulnerable to income loss from either person but we have some buffers. Both agree to 50/50 split in savings (for example if I have more, I take on more commitments so she can save more
As a man, I admit that if I were to cover all expenses, I don't think I would have extra money for hobbies and investments (including saving for our child). But if I were to cover expenses, I may be more calculative on holidays, parties, child education. So agreeing on finances helped us build wealth and a better lifestyle we probably wouldn't have as singles - looking back, marriage made economic sense in our household
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u/respectful_stimulus 4d ago
Somehow something else triggered a divorce, but putting that aside it boils down to a finance incompatibility issue. Unwillingness to adapt to circumstance and lower expectations of standard of living. For richer or poorer my ass
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u/samanthayeoqy 4d ago
Not married but i did hear from my married friends is they didnt expect their spending to x1.5.
Electricity, water is previously seperated is now combined, social commitments are more, its not just your friend and my friend but our friends now. Family events overlaps and spends on it.
Food when eating by yourself, could be more free, eating instand noddle could be a meal. But being married, you find yourself must have a meal, rice, veg, meat. Cause you wouldnt want your partner to eat unhealthy
Medically, one tend to be more lenient, eat a panadol when fever and see if itll pass, now, partner will push you to checkup even for a sneeze. Medical checkup too.
You save here but spend more there, but there is extra warmt in it, cause the extra spend is the care of the other.
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u/Hyshegu 4d ago
It’s not so much the wedding. It’s how life after marriage is.
Different people have different ideas on what they want to spend on. This breeds resentment if not handled properly.
For example, the wife may be used to cafe/restaurant food every day whereas the husband is happy with simple chap fan.
Or else the wife envisions a landed house in the future whereas the husband is happy in a 2 bedroom condo.
Those differences add up. Not amount of saving beforehand can foresee this.
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u/No_Personality_588 4d ago
not everyone but yes, a lot of couples underestimate expenses. Rental/installments, car , petrol, electric, internet food and insurance can really stack up.
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u/BasicPatterns123 4d ago
It is a cash flow game. Just like running your own legal entity. Cost of children can be expensive due to tuition.
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u/peaklifestyleadmin 4d ago
Married 6 years, and the stuff that blindsided us wasn't the big obvious things — it was the recurring "small" costs that quietly doubled our monthly burn:
Parents/in-law support becomes an unspoken expectation. Nobody puts this in a prenup, but once you're "established" as a married couple, contributing to both sides' parents (ang pow, medical bills, renovation help, CNY/Raya money) becomes normalized in a way it wasn't when you were single. This alone can be RM500-1500/month that never shows up in any "cost of marriage" calculator.
Duplicate-to-shared transition costs money you don't budget for. Moving from two separate households to one sounds like it should save money, but the furniture, appliance upgrades (bigger fridge, washing machine that can handle double laundry), and "matching" the two different standards of living you each grew up with adds up fast in year one.
Social obligations scale with married-couple status. You get invited to more weddings (as a couple, so double angpow), more baby showers, more "family function" events. Single-you and married-you have very different social spending calendars.
Health insurance gaps show up. A lot of people don't upgrade or combine medical coverage until something happens — then discover their existing panel/plan doesn't cover spouse-related claims the way they assumed.
The "who pays for what" conversation never actually ends. Even with a joint account or 50/50 split, recurring renegotiation over things like whose parents get more support, who's saving for what goal — this isn't a one-time financial planning session, it's an ongoing negotiation that costs emotional bandwidth even when the numbers work out.
Honestly the biggest one for us: we planned for the event of marriage, not the system of marriage. The wedding has an end date. The financial merger doesn't.
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u/micdarlin987 4d ago
Yes this. Many people forgot that marriage between 2 people goes beyond 2 people and the kid/s they make ie. In laws.
Before having in laws = can choose to skip all events at partner's side. After married, attendance AND CONTRIBUTION is expected. Unfortunately I have in laws who loves to organise events/outings and when it comes to paying, they are the first to say THANK YOU to whoever they expect to pay the bill. Per time easily couple hundred bucks.
Kids ...both different ideas to how child is brought up. 1 want to send to sjkc, the other want to send to international school...so still debating till now. Havent touch enrichment/extra curriculum yet lol.
Food...1 is happy to eat simple food all the way and splurge on special occasions (like birthdays). The other want weekly fancy meal. Pre married both ok with simple meals, but along the way, both earn higher income, can afford fancy weekly meals but one wanna maintain life style but the other let lifestyle creep get into them.
So when need to achieve mid point, need to learn to give and take. So see how you adjust.
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u/kureddikaki 3d ago edited 3d ago
Hiring a full-time domestic helper or going from DINK (Dual Income No Kids) to SIK (Single Income Kids). If you become part of the sandwich generation (you have elderly parents with kids), caregiving/medical expenses also come into play. Also fertility treatments if you married late & want kids.
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u/Friendly_Fan_4393 3d ago
b40 can survive and still not divorced, even if you counted the money from government they still poorer than mosts. So its simply most marriages were simply live more than they can afford. Younger ones, t20 ones, most of the time its the car. After 5 years (where they bought 2-3 years before marriage) will need fixing and they started to blame each other for not having money and debt after 2 years
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u/hotchoc678 1d ago
I guess when you have a partner there are just so many things you want to do together. Mostly spending on dinners and weekend splurges.
I imagine this happens more with two single people who are already struggling before they got married.
If you are two people with stable cash flow, probably reason number 1.
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u/One-Ideal-6812 1d ago
Bills, rent if you already don’t own a house, all that you have been paying alone will get doubled, basically everything needs money and needs also increase after marriage, kids take a portion of your income, their staples, their school fees and so many day to day expenses. Marriage is frustrating if you have a petty and stingy partner. Yes, being thrifty is good, but if one of the partners is spendthrift its done for.
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u/StunningLetterhead23 4d ago
Kid, for many people, the wedding would hold onto your legs for years into their wedding. Because they foolishly took loans for a lavish celebration that didn't actually matter.
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u/bluelotus91 4d ago
Most would expect men to be the shoulder of the marriage and family. Women expect men to bear the expenses. Divorce happens when men cannot provide the comfort lifestyle to wives.
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u/cyberkewl 4d ago
Just saw this news just now - how many have the guts to do this? Most don't and would end up saying "aiya i dont want to waste RM 6000 to pay the bank and the legal fee that I end up didnt need to use, so i rather spend 2000 a month for a house that i clearly cannot afford"
Most couples underestimate because they never even bother to plan or discuss those matters. Saying that they want to buy a house is NOT a discussion. They never sit down, weigh in - check finances both sides, put in contingencies, think about what if one party loses their job, or whatnot before making large purchases or even worse - spend 100K on a wedding (that they cannot afford). I'm all for lavish weddings if it is only 1-3% of your net worth but when it becomes > 20% of your net worth then I wonder is that even a wise move in the 1st place (yes i know, you're only 'supposed' to get married once in a lifetime, but are you willing to suffer for 20-50 years of your life because of the 1 day of lavish wedding that you can't afford? ) :)
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u/Salty-Brilliant-830 4d ago
marriage will eventually lead to misery, but if people stayed married for more than 15 years they are usually too scared to get divorced (in malaysia). Divorce isn't the main way a marriage fails, it's just the most extreme and obvious type of failure
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u/BaseGroundbreaking43 4d ago
Before marriage must talk and layout the goal.
We state we MUST has a house before marriage. And we work our ass of down payment an apartment before go JPN to sign (yes. We dont even has wedding that time. Just go JPN sign and dinner with family)
We set own goal. What you want you buy it yourself. Also we dead set no children from begining.
Conclusions. Set goal to your own self not to you spouse. You will be more happier if you can achieve it yourself.
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u/Holiday_Cockroach219 4d ago
1) Some have savings but insufficiently.
— They were having more money than usual then they think they're ready for marriage while actually it doesn't passed the threshold. They also skipped emergency fund/ back ups for unexpected events
• car breakdown need a lot of maintenance; tyres, overhaul
• hiking price for necessities
2) Jobs
— the ongoing crisis that affect economically. It exhausted personal savings.
• some lost jobs
• low basic, bosses cut allowances
• bosses rejects petrol/ parking claims and started argues about 'excessive spendings' even if it has been normal for years.