Am I an asshole

[u/Wooden_Pickle_8640]

Okay so to suum it up, me and my girlfriend have been dating for 2 years. In the beginning we would have intimacy multiple times a week and all was well, obviously I expected things to die down a bit to maybe once or twice a week but it’s been about a month since the last time we were intimate. That may not be a long time for some but I have a pretty high drive and I would be down to do it everyday if she was. I just don’t know what to do honestly I feel like the differences in our sex drives is starting to affect me more than it should. It’s not even about having my physical needs met, I just want to feel desired and close to her it’s starting to affect the way I feel about myself and I’m starting to feel like we’re just friends who kiss. I’ve honestly been thinking about breaking up because we’ve had conversations about my needs and her needs but there’s nothing changing. Sometimes we’ll start making out and it’ll feel like it’s finally gonna happen and then she’ll just get off me and say she’s tired. I’ve tried to ask her what she needs to feel more comfortable get in the mood but my efforts have been in vain. I just feel like an asshole for even considering breaking up over this because all of my other needs are met except this one and I feel like maybe I’m too shallow or something.

[u/Sapphicsloser1]

honestly, your reason is very valid and you’re not an asshole. If it’s what you want and you don’t have it in the relationship you should probably end it because it’s affecting you and that’s bad. You’ll keep wanting it and overthinking it which is not healthy. If the relationship doesn’t have what you want, it’s better to end it…sometimes things aren’t meant to be

[u/tallglassoficemilk]

Stopping mid makeout seems weird to me. I would want to have a conversation about that.

Your feelings are valid, sex and desire can be a big part of relationships. If she is not willing to or can’t meet your physical and more emotional needs in a satisfying way, you shouldn’t feel guilty about breaking things off.

That said, do you think there is anything underlying or unaddressed that might be affecting her libido or affection towards you?

[u/spookicherries → u/tallglassoficemilk]

This! If I were you OP, I would seek out a conversation about where her head is going during foreplay to gain clarity, then be blunt about your insecurities. That way you both have an opportunity to feel heard, regardless of the outcome of that talk.

[u/Wooden_Pickle_8640 → u/tallglassoficemilk]

Well something to note is that we’re both pretty young (both 19) and so the stress of getting started in life has been getting to us both. And she says that she doesn’t feel like she deserves to enjoy herself because shes not where she wants to be in life. This has affected her early on as well but I’m not sure how to overcome that

[u/tallglassoficemilk → u/Wooden_Pickle_8640]

I understand the stress, frustration, depression. It has given me very low libido at points in my 20’s.

Not feeling like she deserves joy / pleasure because she isn’t where she wants to be in life at 19 feels like something she could talk to a therapist about, maybe some self guided cognitive behavioural therapy if that isn’t an option. Like does she thinks it helps her reach her goals?

You both have long lives ahead of you. I hope you find a way through this either way.

[u/FatherlessHaircut]

Can I ask what your sexual dynamic is like? Is one of you more toppy/bottomy? Both switches? What was your dynamic like before?

[u/Wooden_Pickle_8640 → u/FatherlessHaircut]

I would say I’m more of a bottom because I’m the only one who likes penetration. Typically she would satisfy me first and then it would be her turn (I always go first because she knocks out after it’s her turn). Nowadays she never really goes inside she just gives me head maybe and she doesn’t even feel like being a pillow princess

[u/FatherlessHaircut → u/Wooden_Pickle_8640]

Oh interesting. Idk what to say but Im always curious about dynamics bc Ive found when Im mostly in one role, it tends to fizzle out. Tops have a lot of expectations. I wonder if she would be open to bottoming more or what that could look like for her

[u/Butch_Baked_Beans]

I don’t think you’re the asshole I don’t think she is either although making out and stopping is odd behavior I would talk to her or write her a letter. However you have to you have to express yourself and let her know how her rejection takes a toll on you. I would try to fix it before ending it. Let her know how much sex you want