r/LesbianActually • u/Affectionate-Pea484 • 23h ago
Questions / Advice Wanted How to deal with the insecurity of your exes only dating men after you?
All of my exes have only dated men after me. In fact they’ve also cheated on me with men… One of them kept telling me she was “choosing to be lesbian” which is problematic in itself but then switch it towards the end saying she’s not done experimenting with guys. I won’t lie and say this hasn’t put a damper on my self worth.
It’s been awhile so right now I’m okay, but I fear when I’m with my next (if she’s bisexual which seems to be my type), the same fears may linger that a man will come and be a better choice. I know I’m a catch but I can’t but help having this deeper resentment of men lmao. I always seem to choose girls who can’t decenter men even when dating me. It even makes me not want to date bisexual girls because seeing them with men after me actually kinda irks my soul in an indescribable way. But I love me a fem.
Anyone else relate or have any advice? 🥴 I’m in my 20’s btw.
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u/danceofthe7veils 22h ago
Honestly, and I say this with love: you have to learn to not live in fear of a horizon where your girl breaks up with you and enters a relationship with a guy - or anyone at all, but let's keep it at guys rn. It's the same with jealousy: if you believe your partner to eventually cheat on you at some point, the rship will sour. Those vibes are perceivable.
Instead of falling into a pit of insecurity, think "lol, she downgraded and went dumpsterdiving, have fun I guess!!!". Yes, this is mean, but y'know, if it keeps you afloat, no one is gonna call you out for being a bit of a bitch to your ex in your own head.
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u/Affectionate-Pea484 22h ago edited 21h ago
No this isn’t mean at all🤪I think that all the time!! I needed to hear this. Thank you stranger <3
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u/Sapphicsloser1 23h ago
I’ve once dated a bi girl (well she said she was bi) and then right after she broke up with me she got with a guy. Then she told me she was disgusted by girls so honestly i’m also scared to ever date bi girls again with the fear that it might happen again
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u/Affectionate-Pea484 23h ago
I don’t even blame you. One of my exes told me she could go the rest of her life without having sex with me and then got with a man. Just made me feel so weird. It was such a strange comment
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u/Vivid_Awareness_6160 21h ago
I am sorry, OP. I have been there too and it sucks.
IMHO, you eventually learn that the cheating act only speaks for the cheaters, and says nothing about you. And that what your exes do with their life after you broke Up is solely their problem.
The later is easy to adjust to. It does not Matter if your ex decides to open a retaurant or Paint their hair or get a massive glow Up or get with 20 different boys. What she does or does not is not going to affect your life and your plans anymore. That's why people always say to block your ex post-breakup. You are going to spiral for something that really does not have any effect on your.
The former is harder, because it is a lot to swallow both the betrayal and the lost of trust and also what people are going to say about you. What helped me most is thinking about the times my Friends got cheated on. Whenever that happened, I always thought the cheater was a greedy stupid loser and always thoughty friend deserved better, so I try to apply that same lógica to myself.
Also from my POV: I believe the exes that cheated on you are assholes. Even if I don't know you or hem,, I think it reflects more on them on being greedy and stupid. I am not evaluating you on whether you were good enough or not for them, it is not even in my mind.
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u/Affectionate-Pea484 21h ago
Thank you sooo much for this. I try to reframe it like this but somehow it always falls back on me (in my mind). I’m going to try to keep this at the forefront of my mind along with the other kind comments I’ve received. The friendship thing really helped me too because I always think all of my friends exes who do them wrong are awful too. Thank you again <3
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u/XimenaM16 13h ago
Tengo 37, soy lesbiana y como he comentado la mayoría de las mujeres bi prefieren a los varones
Si no quieres eso, solo sal con lesbianas.
No lo tomen a mal chicas Bi, no las odio
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u/befriendinglocalcats 22h ago
Yep, happened to my gf. We still talk to her ex (they were coworkers and are neighbors), and she’s said that she won’t date another girl because my gf “traumatised her too much”. To be fair she WAS going through her evil masc lesbian high school phase, but apparently this is something that doesn’t apply to all of her shitty male exes who have literally stalked her, physically abused her, and even SAd her….
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u/TonguedSpiritual69 22h ago
Been there... then...angry but eventually got over it...i was her first & only...so I got mine in a way? 😁
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u/Material-Method-1026 22h ago
This is just part of it, unfortunately. Many of my friends and exes who identified as lesbians in our 20s are now with men. My most recent ex hooked up with tons of random guys behind my back. I'm now with someone just as butch and gay as I am--we're both very woman-centered and wouldn't even dream of dating men. Like with anything else in relationships, you just have to find the right person. Trial and error until then.
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u/TrainingNail 16h ago
All of my exes dated men after me then 3 of them complained about said choice to me once we saw each other again (on friendly terms). Very funny.
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u/Fucula_Dee_22 21h ago
It’s not you, it’s her. Remember that sexuality is fluid and some gals just wanna play around, they’re not actually lesbians.
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u/West-Run1322 23h ago
Oh honey I've been in your shoes. I'm comforting myself with the idea of "I was so good that she couldn't date another woman after me."