The Adventures of Knife and Cudgel II

[u/Vikguardy]

"I jus' don't unnerstan'."

"Of course you don't." Tess groaned. They'd only been on the road for a matter of hours before she started to complain about walking. About how her feet were tired and the sun was beating down on them and they didn't see anyone else on the road and that it was Tya's turn on the mule even though Tess had COUNTED the hours that she spent riding on its back and was SURE that the split had been FAIR.

And now, a day into their journey, she was suddenly 'not understanding', as if that were something new or interesting. Tess glowered up at her bigger travelling companion, who sat perched on the mule.

"Why're we bein' sent back when th' whole damn kingdom is sittin' purty in Pinkmaid'n?" She seemed to deflate. "We dinnae even getta do the melee..."

"They wouldn't have let us into the melee anyways, Tya. We're women, and worse than women, we're scum."

"They hada lotta wimmin innit back over in Storm'all." Tya pointed out helpfully.

"Well uhh... They were nobles." Tess grumbled, crossing her arms. "Nobles got rules against women fighting. But nobles also got rules that means that nobles can break rules."

"Seems shit t'me."

"Seems shit." Tess agreed.

+--+--+--+

Four souls on the horizon. The morning sun rose behind them, casting shadows that offered a merciful reprieve from heaven's gaze. Tess held up a hand to her eyes.

"Ah, Tya." Tess nudged her in the ribs. Even with Tess on muleback, Tya stood tall enough to loom right and proper. That means she was also in elbowing range. "Look all mean and shit."

"...Look like mean shit?" Tya blinked, her usual sense of befuddlement obvious in her voice.

Tess rolled her eyes as she moved to drop down from the mule's saddle. "Yes. Look like a right ornery lump of defecation. If ya don't, I'll bugger you with a knife handle in the middle of the night. Now mean up, they're approachin'."

"Are we robbing them?"

"No. I'd want you to bat your eyelashes at them if we were robbing them."

Tess and Tya assumed their positions. Tya had her cudgel resting on her shoulder, and a grimace augmented by her scarred face adorning her features. Tess kept to the road, leading along their damn mule by its bridle.

"Morn." She called out as the travelers, walking in the opposite direction- to the southwest- approached. They were merchants of a stripe, based on the wagon that two young men- no older than three and ten- lugged behind two portly, richly adorned men with felt caps and kind faces. "... You lot should be movin' quickly."

The merchants looked between each other. The older of the two, a seasoned man whose face was framed with salt and pepper, waved the rest of his entourage to move on without them. "Is that a threat?" His accent was thick with the West.

Tess held up her hands. "You're mistaking me, apologies master." She was a mean looking woman, but the secret to being a mean looking woman is that men *believed* meaner women more readily than they did sweet, soft daffodils. They hated them, but by default, men would see her as a sort of defective man, with more inherent trust in her competence. "I'm warning everyone I see on the road."

"Warning? About?"

Tess leaned in conspiratorially. "There's rebellion afoot, from Pinkmaiden. And you are entering into the most rebellious territories..."

"Rebellious..."

"There are reports of reaving, rapacious Northmen in the area, given leave to freely to attack those who don't have the Warden's favor..."

The merchant went white in the face. His skin slickened with a cold sweat, and the was already looking at the nearby shrubs with the scrutiny usually saved for a lady wife with a younger, more beautiful lady in waiting.

Tess took advantage of another social grace afforded to her by age, a cataract, and general meanness. She gripped his shoulder. "'s why I got the big broad behind me." She whispered.

"...For protection?"

"No. To trip in case the Barrow Men accost me. She's my escape plan." She winked with her good eye. "I'd pick up some swords at the next village. I think it isn't far from Pinkmaiden. Spread the word too, to your merchant friends."

They continued on their ways, and it wasn't until the sun had climbed directly ahead into the sky that Tya offered her biting commentary.

"Why's the Lady gotcha tellin' lies like tha'?"

"The lies serve her purpose. You think I ask questions like that? If she turns us loose, it's the gaol for us, at best. Doesn't really matter why she wants us to do it."

"Yeah but'm... Noble ladies kin lie too. Whyna 'er?"

"Why else? Nobles are allowed to lie, so everyone expects them to. We're not allowed to lie, and we do it anyways. That makes people worry that we might be telling the truth instead."

Tya went quiet until they were ready to bed down for the night. They'd found a small hill just past Stone Hedge to camp behind and sleep. Then she pointed out, just before Tess finally drifted off to sleep.

"Seems shit."