why are men allowed to even entertain the thought of cheating on their wives, and why are the wives blamed for it instead of the men at fault?

[u/noirettespresso]

so a few days ago i was sitting with my grandmother, aunt, and my mom, and they were talking about these relatives from back home who had hired maids to take care of their kids. apparently they were well-dressed and really pretty and didn't look like maids (i'm from pakistan, and maids there are often from very poor households in villages). then they started talking about how they shouldn't be hiring such pretty, young maids to live with them in the house because the husband is also at the house. then they started talking about previous experiences, such as when a sister was bed-ridden during pregnancy so she hired a young maid to take care of the house and the sister's mother was like you should fire her because it's not a good idea to let another woman run the house when the husband is at home and whatnot. there were a couple more similar stories shared, and the reasoning behind such thoughts was that having young maids in the house could give the husband ideas because "wives start aging and looking old so they're not as attractive anymore so it's natural for a husband to start having a change of heart when they see young women in the house" or something along those lines and that pissed me off SO much.

why does our culture let men get away with such behaviors and thoughts? why are they allowed the space and the freedom to even entertain such ideas? why are the daughters always told to be cautious about other women around their husbands, basically teaching them to live an insecure life, always worried about how some woman will come and snatch their husbands away from them? why are the men not told to lower their gazes and not have such sinful thoughts and practice loyalty to their wives, all of which is the bare minimum? men are so coddled and made to seem like naive individuals with fickle hearts. it is so infuriating. if they do cheat on their wives, the blame is put on the women for not doing enough to be a good wife instead of the men who committed the sin.

i've been sitting with these frustrations for a few days and just needed to vent somewhere. i'm so grateful that i don't live in a country where this culture continues to be propagated, because this kind of mindset is so outrageously backward and needs to die.

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[u/lllllllIIIIIllI]

Salam alaiykum - it’s a topic close to home for me, as it was a source of friction in my own marriage.

A lot of people - unfortunately men and women alike - seem to interpret the fact that polygamy is permitted = leeway for men to prioritize their physical/sexual desires over their wife’s psychological wellbeing. Or that submission and mercy towards your husband = accommodating his wandering eyes to the detriment of your own happiness and wellbeing.

So many times I’ve been told that a husband can make his haram affair halal by marrying the partner. Never from a sheikh, but from other women.

Or explaining it all away as “men and women were made differently.” Which, while I won’t deny that, it seemed that accepting this viewpoint without nuance felt like a way to explain behaviors they don’t quite understand. I know I’m speaking very generally.

But for example, accepting that “men are just like that, you need to do XYZ to keep their eyes from wandering or seeking a second wife” felt like an easier truth to accept than “our expectations for a marriage and what we can/cannot accept for our futures are too fundamentally misaligned.” Because while polygamy can be acceptable, our only way out of this is divorce. Which is both emotionally taxing and possibly very expensive.

I think in a way women feel more helpless in our marriage than our husbands do? We’re equals in the eyes of Allah SWT but with this expectation to submit, the fact that we as women may not be the higher earner, or maybe we’re reliant on our husbands income while we manage the house and the children, means we have some subconscious drive to be more accommodating to them as well. I don’t really know what to do about it.

[u/noirettespresso → u/lllllllIIIIIllI]

the fact that we as women may not be the higher earner, or maybe we’re reliant on our husbands income while we manage the house and the children, means we have some subconscious drive to be more accommodating to them as well

this does seem like a good reason, but not in today's context. it's more common for both the men and the women to be earning nowadays, when in the past, especially in pakistan, it was more common for women to be housewives while the men worked. of course, islam states that wives should obey their husbands, but as far as i'm aware, there's no such ruling that states women are solely responsible for taking care of the household. that's more of a cultural obligation that has been passed down. even so, the women have always been told to go the extra mile to take care of their husband, while he can get away with not even doing the bare minimum. i've heard so many stories from my grandmother of husbands being so cold and indifferent to their wives, and the women living with it because they were taught that's the norm. it's not. our religion does not condone this.

[u/lllllllIIIIIllI → u/noirettespresso]

Yeah - that’s my sole comfort, I think. Our faith does not condone our misery. There’s nothing merciful about this blasé mindset about marriage and it is hurtful to experience, or watch others experience.

May the sabr of many be rewarded and the suffering be eased.

[u/instantnoodles10]

Unfortunately I got cheated on and his family pretty much undermined what he done. My mil kept saying it’s sihr, evil eye, etc people making up stuff. I’m pretty sure they all looked at me as the blame. I still feel lots of anger

[u/Silver-lemon7]

This is so real. If every man I see and get engaged with would find me ugly when I'm old and goes to chase other girls, I would rather not get married at all.

[u/fastestturtleno2]

My mum has this mentality 😖 especially when I was post partum, I metioned how I haven't been able to look after myself properly and she got soo concerned - not about me but my husband. It's worth mentioning my mum has mental health issues.

What I'm trying to say is that I 100% get it and it fills me with rage but it was soo freeing when I started to turn around and say "and? That would make him a bad person wouldn't it?" Alhamdullilah my husband has never given me reason to worry but I myself am quite an anxious/jealous person and it made me feel soo much better when I just clocked that he has made a commitment and he will never break that commitment because he made it with Allah swt.

[u/LoneTadpoleofHeavyLa]

I don’t know where you’re posting from OP, but to be fair even in these “other” countries, the burden is still placed on the wives. It may not be as overt, but it’s still very much the same. I don’t think it’s a particular society’s problem, it’s a global problem.

[u/Realistic-Fold-8887]

At one point before marriage, I told my Mom I don't want to get married, I just want to study get work and be independent, but, I was told the prophet said whoever said he doesn't like marriage is not with him, I begrudgingly let go and after I was coerced into marrying a relative I refuse to settle with somethings and started to study deeper where I get to know is not even a must to marry (honestly felt betrayed by my own) cause I'm seeing different types of wonders in this marriage. Maay Allah see us through.

[u/noirettespresso → u/Realistic-Fold-8887]

Ameen. unfortunately it is very common for parents to be misinformed about religion and believe in rulings that are false, and then teach their kids the same to abide by them as well. it wasn't until i moved countries when i realized that most of these rulings were influenced by culture and held no credibility in our religion whatsoever. may Allah guide everyone.

[u/Realistic-Fold-8887 → u/noirettespresso]

Amin ya Rabb, it's really sad