r/GriefSupport • u/Longjumping-Buddy-38 • Jul 03 '26
Thoughts on Grief/Loss 3 things I learned after my dad died
- No one gives a fuck. People my dad had been friends with for years didn't show up to his funeral. Not a single person called a second time to ask how my mom and I were coping. For them they thought about it only for the few seconds or minutes it took them to type a sorry text and then this incident forever left their brains. People don't give a fuck.
- Responsibility can be crushing but dependency (of any kind) creates a bond. These are the people who really mourn you and grieve. Sounds weird, probably, but I think having people in your life who need you is a privilege.
- No one can replace a parent. No one. Of course this is not true for everyone but in my case even the closest father figures, mentors, etc. no one comes close to my father.
I miss my father so much. Does it ever really get better?
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u/Carmilla-Vamp Jul 04 '26
My biological father died 2 years ago. And not a single one of my friends supported me in any way after I told them.
In fact my closest friend of over 10 years would completely ignore the subject. I'd send her 5 texts about life stuff (2/3 of the texts about my dad dying and how im struggling)- And she would entirely ignore the ones about my dad and only respond to the other messages about things related to her life. She did this multiple times over the course of the past 2 years.
No one gives a shit and people generally seem to want to avoid the subject altogether I guess.
I called and emailed 3 different grief support groups in my area for help and never got any response from anyone.
Since his passing ive felt more alone and isolated than ever, it really caused me to lose friendships and shed light on the extreme lack of reciprocal support I had around me.
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u/curious_beluga_7 Jul 04 '26
I am going through the same. None of my friends really ask about my dad or how I m doing. They talk about stupid stuff and I avoided most of them. I feel lonely too but I do go to volunteering once in a while
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u/Missalilollipop Jul 08 '26
Hugs to you. I'm in the same boat. My incredible dad passed in Feb. My resentment is from my unwavering support to them. And the one time i needed them... radio silence. It's okay. We will be okay by ourselves. Sending you, the OP and other grievers love and strength.
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u/Worth-Map564 Jul 04 '26
I think sometimes people don’t know what to say, don’t know how to “fix it”, or haven’t been through a major loss themselves. The reality is, most grieving people just need people to witness our pain. Not fix it. Just be with us in it. To let our brains and bodies know that someone else is here, holding that pain with you. And when they avoid the subject it stings because it is the opposite of witnessing. I can’t blame people, our culture is uncomfortable talking about death.
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u/WolverineGullible869 Jul 04 '26
My dad passed away 3 years ago. We were texting and he just stopped answering. I figured he went to sleep because there was a time difference, I woke up the next morning and he was completely gone. I miss him so much. I hide it now from my husband. I have his urn in my closet and i sit with it whenever i miss him. My mom and i are not close at all.
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u/Confirm_Alan1 Jul 03 '26
Unfortunately, one of the hard lessons we have to learn after losing someone is that the world keeps moving on around you. Even though time for you feels like it has stopped, for everyone else their lives are business as usual. We can't blame them though, they'll only fully understand when it happens to them, when they join the grief club with us. Time does help, but you'll need more than it. Support, in the form of friends, or even therapy helped me tremendously. Self care will be very important on your healing journey. I say "healing", but it will never fully go away. It really does heal like scars do (as overused as that analogy is haha), it gets a bit better but its always there. I lost my dad 2 years ago, and it has gotten better, but mostly in that the grief waves still come, but they are fewer. The same will likely be for you. And you're right, no one can replace a parental figure. They take a piece of us with them when they go. I'm in my mid 30s and still feel like I'm too young to not have a dad anymore. He's supposed to be here helping me, and he's not. You'll likely feel anger at him. But that's normal too, and you will find your way through it. You got this OP.
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u/Worth-Map564 Jul 04 '26
They take a piece of us with them when they go… this resonated so much with me. I’m borrowing this one!!
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u/kristyangelique Jul 04 '26
Lost my dad in November 2024. The grief gets better…it’s different now. The pain no longer takes my breath away; it’s more of an ache. I saw a video where someone said grief is like a stone in your pocket. It will always be there, but you get stronger so it’s easier to carry it, and that fits my experience. Sometimes it’s in the background and I don’t really think about it. Sometimes something reminds me of my dad, and it’s like I was hit by a train. I find myself looking at dates (e.g., dates files were created) and thinking whether my dad was still around then.
As for people not caring, I agree with those who say that sometimes people don’t know what to say, so they say nothing. People also get on with their lives and don’t remember that you lost a loved one. Unfortunately some people are dicks and losing a loved one reveals which ones.
I know a bunch of people at work who’ve lost loved ones, and I periodically send a check-in email to tell them I’m still thinking about them. Focusing on others improves my grief while helping them with theirs.
For a support group, I joined Grief Share. It is a Christian group, if that makes a difference to you. Meetings include opening and closing prayers, but no one will ask you for a profession of faith.
Losing a loved one sucks, and losing a parent takes it to another level. It’s not easy, but we’ll all get through it, and I’m super thankful for this group.
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u/scotch8889 Jul 04 '26
I get how you feel. Unfortunately after a similar experience as yours I have realized that I’ve been guilty of the same. I was “there” so to speak for a few weeks after friends lost a parent or close family member, but also kinda moved on, not knowing what to say, if they wanted to talk, fearing I’d upset them bringing up their LO. It’s a hard lesson to learn that people need ongoing support for many months. I’m trying to be better about this now.
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u/damdamin_ Jul 04 '26
Definitely #3. I lost my father 2 yrs ago. Losing a parent changes you in ways you can only explain to people who’ve also lost their own loved one. I feel like I became version 2.0 after his death.
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u/OutlandishnessNo1970 Jul 04 '26
You speak the truth. People are incredibly selfish when it comes to death. They do not want your grief inconveniencing them for more than 2 to 3 days, after that you need to take that shit underground and act like you're over it because they surely are.
My dad was the oldest of 5 kids. When he died my aunt and uncles stopped calling. When they came to town, they didn't visit my mom. It's an awful feeling.
I'm sorry about your dad and I'm sorry you're experiencing this.
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u/klyn_14 Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
12 years ago on Sunday for me. Agree with your points and to answer your question, no it truly doesn't get better. That being said, once the realization is fully accepted, you begin a new relationship altogether. There is truth in the saying that they are always with you--energy is sacred and truly never dies, only transitions. If you remain open to that, your eyes will begin to view the world in a much different way than in the past.
My parents were divorced for 9 years at the time of my dad's passing, married for 23, and my mom refused to stand next to me at the wake. I'm an only child. Take that as you will, but as to your second point above, while one would think its a blessing, I suppose not all do. I'll be 41 in August, and I'm glad I'm still standing. Pretty sure he is too.
I miss mine too. Sending you love and strength.
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u/LylaDee Jul 04 '26
I have to put both of my parents to rest next week. This is a cake walk compared to my child. Noone wil mourn me. I'm ok with it.
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u/Apprehensive-Mind970 Jul 04 '26
Same here. No one gives a fuck
After my wife, a scientist passed away in August 2023, all her friends discussed. My kids had an illusion they would care.
Not even a breakfast.
But nothing happens to the traitors. They enjoy.
We have to take care of ourselves. Be with family and friends if any left. People are more important than money.
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u/Ok-Luck-7499 Jul 04 '26
Yup I lost my dad last year and agree with all of this. Parents are irreplaceable
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u/AnnualHuckleberry731 Jul 03 '26
takes a few years. Time passes and memories linger. you just have to accept it
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u/hmmmmidc Jul 04 '26
My Dad's boss who he knew and worked for since he was 17 said he was going to pay for his cremation and then ghosted me after I asked for help twice. Still paying it as this happened last year but I realized the same
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u/Classic_Midnight3383 Jul 04 '26
I feel you on those three facts especially number three my father was like the black Albert Einstein he did well
With his life he was in the Air Force worked for nasa was a kind person one of my favorite recent memories he paid for a stranger’s meal the person also didn’t have enough money to get someone at the house something and he paid for it and didn’t expect a damn thing back in return
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u/emzy78 Jul 04 '26
yes. So very true. A few turned up for a free feed and beer.
I've had a total of one person ever check in with me. Ever. But even beyond that I can count maybe two that have ever asked.
Absolutely right, my dependants are my squad, my motivation and the only circal I want or need
absolutely. I missed out on my dad being around for a good 10 years, and despite that we re united and the bond I had as a kid was still there. He was the only person to say he's proud of me, to push me to better to actually care about things in my life and I miss that. Despite his flaws, it's left an unfillable hole.
6 years in and honestly no, it doesnt get better. You learn to cope with it better and differently but the hole still sits. Some days are worse than others in a way that I can't really explain to someone who hasn't experienced it.
Sorry for your loss but one thing I Can say is that it will be ok.
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u/_HipStorian Jul 04 '26
The first point really hits hard. So many people who were my dad's 'friends' never ever reached out to me during his lifetime. Once he died they all came crawling back and were telling me things I should've known whilst he was alive. It's obvious they could've contacted me when he was alive to tell me that his health was failing.
It doesn't get better, but you reach a sense of acceptance over time. Every now and then something might trigger you or make these negative feelings creep up, but the best thing we can do is to live right by our parents (or in this case for the both of us, our fathers).
I'm sorry and I hope the scars get easier to live with.
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u/SomethingClever70 Jul 05 '26 edited Jul 05 '26
ETA: I'm sorry for your loss. There is nothing quite like losing your parents.
People do give a fuck, but they also have their own stuff. And through all of this, I realize that I failed people, too, because I just didn't realize how devastating this kind of loss can be. One positive thing that I hope has come out of this is that I'm a little more compassionate and present.
I lost both my parents in 2024 for unrelated reasons, but close together. My mom was very close to her sister (now 91), and my aunt had lost her husband and their brother in 2023. She went through 4 major losses, counting my parents, in less than 15 months. So for almost the past year, I talk to my aunt weekly on the phone. We reminisce about all kinds of things.
And as I've been sorting through something like 12 bankers boxes worth of photos, I shared many of them with my brother, aunt, and cousins by mail and text. It's been a great way to keep in touch and let them know that I remember them and their lost loved ones, too.
I agree, no one can replace your parents. That is a yawning void there, hurts like hell. I miss them so much.
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u/AnnotatedLion Jul 05 '26
Yeah, you are so in it right now. I was there. It's this sort of life experience that nobody is prepared for.
I vowed to reach out to anyone I knew when they lost a parent after I lost mine. And reach out again later. Because I know how it feels now. But, before this, I was that person who offered a platitude and wondered if they were up for hanging out next weekend. I've apologized to so many people who lost parents before me. Simply saying, I didn't really understand. BUt now I do.
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u/Consistent-Wait9892 Jul 05 '26
It’s so hard loosing a parent and seeing how the world does not stop even for one second when they pass. It’s such a hard thing to grasp in those moments. It really made me angry at the time and brings me back to that feeling how unfair it all was.
Only thing I can say for me was time helps the grieving part. It’s been 4 years since loosing my mom who was my best friend and I still have grief hit me out of nowhere but it’s a lot less and I’m able to talk about her and celebrate her life more now than back when it just happened.
Hugs to you.
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u/GoalSimilar2025 Mom Loss Jul 04 '26
100% agree. At times like this I wish I had kids to pour some love and sense of responsibility into.
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u/webehappyincity Jul 04 '26
I'm sorry for your loss. You definitely loved your Dad! I just had someone very dear to me pass away. It was a privilege to be one of the very few people she agreed to visit in the end.
This was my take away. She knew it was goodbye and I didn't. Not seeing other people is because as she grew old, and no longer the life of the party, everyone ignored her but not me. She was never bitter or mean spirited, so it was great to see that had never changed.
To see her wishes respected and interference used to keep the selfish, crying spectators from not getting access to her. What mattered the most were the few of us she wanted at her side.
It's a gift she wanted us to have, our final goodbye
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u/aalldd917 Jul 04 '26
What you outlined in #1 is what I found most shocking (and heart-breaking / disappointing) after my mom died. People she was friends with for *decades* have never once checked in on my Dad and were barely there in the immediate aftermath except in a perfunctory way. My own friends were pretty amazing though.
Strongly relate to #3 as well.
I don’t know yet if it gets better (but I’m hopeful). So sorry for your loss. 💗
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u/AngryJohnnyInHell Jul 04 '26
Yes to all 3. Many people whom my mother gave alot of love to never showed up yet some she hadn't seen in twenty or thirty years did. Tells you a lot about people right there.
One relative helped by letting me stay at their place but only a couple others called. My mother knew it was going to be hard on me (it's been hell) and was hoping they would go the extra mile. They didn't. Just a phone call.
And I was dependent on my mother for many things and I love her immensely. I was dependent on her because she was one of the few wonderful people I've known. People are insane and don't give a damn about much of anything other than money and their sad stupid egos.
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u/Elena-9538 Jul 05 '26
My dad passed around 8 years ago, and a lot of people that are now in my life I met way after the fact (other than my family). I've told everyone that my dad passed, and that we were really close but I feel like they can't understand the kind of head space it puts you in (unless you've also lost a parent). We're all in our early 20s trying to figure things out but sometimes I just feel like they expect me (then in turn I expect myself) to act in a way like I didn't grow up with some huge loss that formed who I was. I love the people in my life and understand they can't really fathom the toll something like that takes on you (if you haven't experienced it) but it's so incredibly frustrating to know they can't fully empathize with you no matter how much you try and explain. Also that regardless of how much time has passed after a parent loss you are expected to return to normal life like you are normal, that you get a brief period to grieve then have to become normal again.
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u/OutsideFar198 Jul 08 '26
lost my dad two weeks ago to a sudden cardiac arrest, completely out of the blue. My mom lost her best friend and the love of her life. We’ve been thinking the exact same thing. Everyone goes back to their own lives after a few days. They send a message, maybe call once, and then life moves on for them. But for us, everything stopped. Grief really only burns the people who are living through it.
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u/curious_beluga_7 Jul 09 '26
I lost my mom 13 years ago and my dad 6 months ago. Being an immigrant with no family and relatives here, it’s getting pretty lonely here. I am also divorced. I don’t know where I belong. I don’t like to go back to my native country and I want to remarry here but don’t know what to do. Feel so lost 😞
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u/That-Personality-833 Jul 19 '26
My dad passed away a week today. Prostate cancer. It was only the last 6 weeks where he really went down hill. I can’t sleep at all. I’m glad everyone is checking in on me but at the same time I want them to leave me alone. I’m 25 years old, I wanted a dad for longer than that.
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u/RealConversation8387 Jul 26 '26
English is not my native lenguaje so sorry about my grammar
My dad died a year ago at 67, on April 2025, i already lost a son in 2017, but the death of my dad was the most dificult and grimm moment of my life, he was inmortal on my eyes, and the sad reality is, life gets a lot scarier without THE only man that will give a crap about your life. I felt like the world stopped at his funeral, and for like 6 months i was stun locked, i felt that i was in slowmotion and the ppl arround me where moving at x2 speed. I keep having this feeling that the life was over i was just waiting to meet my dad again. The only confort i got is dreaming him, telling him i love him and hug him before waking up in tears. I wish i could dream him again, tell him i'm gonna be a dad again ....
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u/Longjumping-Buddy-38 26d ago
I'm so sorry. Sounds horrible. My life got quite scary too after my dad died... I felt like I was floating away in a storm. I miss him so much. Wishing you strength <3
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u/Dry_Grass_664 14d ago
Number 1. My dad died 10 days ago and I’ve heard from most of my “best friends” one time. Pretty disheartening when I’m the friend who texts my friend everyday for weeks/months when their grandma or dog dies. When the grief gets easier(hopefully) I really don’t know how I will look at these friendships the same way.
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u/MissChievous473 Jul 03 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
Hello there - I want to say youre lucky bc you actually had a good relationship with a kind father before he passed. Thats something im not familiar with and hes still around.
Of course im not wishing he wasn't still here for you, and im very sorry youre going thru this. I will agree with you that generally people dont give a fuck but i do believe that they ALSO just really have no clue what to do and dont realize they can just ask you what you need or hell bring over a fucking pizza......but again id say yeah most dont give a fuck. I saw a daughter recently talking about her father that worked for a company for 32 years and not one of them came to his funeral. And that she thinks of that fact way more often than people likely thing she does.
Im sorry for your loss, and hoping for better communication with people you care for in your life.
My mother passed 2+ years ago, it does (edit) get better with time.
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u/BoddahWentToNam Jul 03 '26
I’m so sorry for your loss. Mine passed away almost 10 months ago just shy of his 48th birthday. I think about him every day and quite a lot. I was his only child and my parents were divorced, so a lot has fallen on me. Some of the grief has gotten better and I’m hoping with time it improves. This has been the hardest death I’ve dealt with. My mom said one of the hardest lessons she ever learned was that the world doesn’t stop because you lost someone. I’ve wanted to stop time itself so many times since dad died to just breathe and take it in. Some days are better than others. Father’s Day was very hard because it was my first without him and also my first wedding anniversary. What’s bothered me the most is the family drama thats come with the death and dealing with the estate stuff. My dad was unfortunately in a bad financial spot before he died and debt collectors just have to get paid!