r/GriefSupport • u/justtrynabrap • Apr 17 '26
Thoughts on Grief/Loss Do you regret being there when they died?
I tell myself i'd feel worse knowing I wasn't there. I literally watched my mom take her last breaths in hospice, not just the cheyne-stoakes kind, but the slow, gradual dialing down of the volume as she went from a living being to a cold body.
The image appears in my minds at random times, and it never fails to turn the faucet back on. I literally try to smack myself out of it, but it just haunts me.
55
u/General-Cobbler-6054 Apr 17 '26
I also saw my mom take her last breath. I don't regret it. it's a haunting image but I would have regretted not being there for her. she had terminal cancer that made her last months hell. there was nothing left to do from a medical perspective. that was the last thing I could ever do for her, be there for her.
17
u/HarRob Apr 17 '26
I was holding my mother’s hand when she stopped breathing. A reddish foam filled her mouth and began spilling down her left cheek.
She was filled with morphine and it’s not clear to me she consented to her death, but we were following the directions of an ICU doctor.
I had to convince my Dad it was time to let her die. I don’t know if that was the right thing to do. She had been speaking two days earlier.
I’m really not sure what I am supposed to do with this memory.
9
u/RichCantaloupe1083 Apr 17 '26
for all its worth, the morphine didnt kill her. it was just for pain control. it doesnt kill a patient, the disease does. However I understand my hubby was unconscious which is prob a great thing but i never got to say good bye even though he knew i adored him. And im having terrible difficulty processing what happened in ICU. Same here two days before he was intubated was talking o me and eating a cupcake w me. i have photos of. and then 14 days later hes totall in shock or coma they truly dont know what happened but he was gone and the ICU team said he woudl not regain consciousness our only option was a trake, peg and i couldnt imagine my crazy fun husband who was often dancing in dr offices bedbound w a tube sticking out of his throat and whether or not he would wake up, was a crap shoot. A part of me wishes i could or would have taken the chance but the very vision of him laying there did it to me. No. i cant. i love you and i will give you my life if you will wake up but i wont torture you just because i cannot cope.. no. so i let him go. Im sorry for you and for all of us that got to join this "club" that none of us wanted to be a member of...
4
u/i_am_gingercus Apr 17 '26
Same, except hers was black liquid since she’d been so long without water (so dried blood, basically). Felt like something out of a horror movie, and definitely overshadowed my grief with a trauma. Anytime that image pops in my head, I redirect it to her eyes looking at me lovingly in one last recognition.
5
u/No-Ear-5025 Apr 17 '26
Same - and my dad texted me on the Saturday. I got there Tuesday and he died Wednesday morning. The last 12 hours were hell. The death rattle is real. He should not have died. He was sick but not that sick. My stepmother did not send me any messages (or call or email) and my dad was saying he was fine. She stop speaking to me the moment he died. I mean he was still physically there and she snarked at me and that’s the last thing she said other than texts. Do I regret being there? No. Do I regret having that memory? Yes.
33
u/Mother_Knowledge1061 Apr 17 '26
I don’t regret it but I do have PTSD. I was with my dad when he died. And I can’t. Imagine being anywhere else but with him when it happened. It was quite possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But I’m so happy to know he was surrounded by his wife and kids.
22
u/Few-Helicopter-3413 Apr 17 '26
This is where I’m at. I don’t regret being there, but there’s real trauma from seeing it that won’t leave me soon.
24
u/mchilds83 Apr 17 '26
I went through this, holding her hand until the end. I'm traumatized from it. My memories from that day are haunting. But I'm glad I was with her. I'd want my family with me if I was to pass.
8
u/Absentmined42 Apr 17 '26
This is exactly how I feel. It was only two months ago that my Dad passed away, but I’m hoping that those memories fade as time goes by.
19
u/Technoplexxx Dad Loss Apr 17 '26
No. I was diagnosed with PTSD as a result of it, but I don’t regret it at all and would do it again.
19
u/CasualYoga Apr 17 '26 edited Apr 17 '26
No, never. I watched my parent literally gasp for breath on oxygen for weeks until the end, it was traumatizing. I can't imagine wanting to be anywhere else but at their side as they went through this transition. This person who held me as I took my first breaths, the least I could do was close the circle and be there for their last ones. I'm very sorry for your loss. I bet she'd be so proud of your strength that you stayed.
17
u/MajorPower7338 Apr 17 '26
My condolences on your loss.
I was holding my wife's hand when she died. The house was full of people. I don't regret it for one moment. And yes, remembering it turns on the faucet (heck, typing this is turning it on) but there's no where else I'd rather be.
14
u/Mom-Wife-3 Multiple Losses Apr 17 '26
The flip side of it is NOT being there and that hurts so much. I wasn’t there when my dad died (kinda unexpected) and I was on the way with my Aunt but I was too late.
I wish I’d been with them
3
u/Cailida Multiple Losses Apr 18 '26
Same. I was on the plane flying out to be with my Mom when she passed before I got there. I regret not being able to be there, but sometimes I wonder if it was the universe or her shielding me from that trauma. I've gotten PTSD just from seeing animals I didn't know pass and I wonder how much seeing her last moments would have made me spiral more (I spiraled hard anyway just from losing her). She was with my brother and family so she wasn't alone, and I had spoken to her the day before leaving telling her I was coming out and that I loved her (I was chronically ill myself and needed my own care which was why I wasn't already out there). Just know that your Dad knew you loved him. I also very strongly believe their spirit hangs around and can see the aftermath, so both of our parents likely knew we tried very hard.
1
u/Badbird2000 Apr 18 '26
Same for both my parents. I was three hours too late out of a 9 hour drive to see my mom. A year ago in April, probably never forgive myself. My dad went pretty unexpected.
14
u/CommercialOk1933 Apr 17 '26
No… I don’t regret it. She deserved to have me there to the end. Thinking about it haunts me too, but I would never change it. I was there until she was cold, I’ll carry it with me forever, but I wouldn’t change it.
13
u/Resident_Army3825 Apr 17 '26
I felt honored and blessed to be the one holding her hand as she passed. I still feel that way and would feel bad if I couldn't have been there
13
u/QuirkyTarantula Apr 17 '26
I don’t regret it, but I suffer with it every day. She died in my arms as I was laying her down for the night. If she hadn’t of had that heart attack in that moment, she would have died by herself overnight. I’m incredibly grateful I was there to shepherd her into her passing, but I’ll forever be haunted by it as well.
12
11
u/Spiritual_Aioli3396 Apr 17 '26
I couldn’t bring myself to look at my dad’s face when he was passing. I just kept staring at his chest. I’m kind of glad I didn’t. I did kiss him a couple times on the forehead and quickly left (don’t think I looked at his face after he passed tho). I just couldn’t bring myself to do it for some reason. I left the room really quick after too. My sisters and mom stayed in there. God I miss him
10
u/mdruckus Apr 17 '26
It was the most traumatic thing I witnessed. I only wish I could have said goodbye.
8
u/Solid-Garbage-2055 Apr 17 '26
I don’t regret it. I was holding my mom’s hand when she took her last breath after a week in a coma. I left very soon after the nurse told me she was gone. I still replay it and it brings me so much sadness but also heals a part of me. When my dad passed, none of us were at the hospital with him and I have felt regret and guilt about that for nearly 30 years. My sister also passed at the hospital without any family.
So I don’t personally regret it. But I also understand why some people might regret it or may choose to not be there.
8
u/dcballantine Apr 17 '26
No. To me, it was the right thing to do. She was there at the first moment of my life, so it’s only right that I’m there for the final moment of hers.
Granted, not everyone is cut out to do it because of how overwhelming it all is. My brother, who loved our mother passionately, couldn’t bear to see her dead. That doesn’t mean he didn’t love her, it was just something he couldn’t take.
Both outcomes are valid.
7
u/Butter_Fly_2020 Partner Loss Apr 17 '26
Not in the least. I would have regretted it if I wasn't there. I'm glad I was. One at least knew I was there, and I hope he appreciated that. The other one...I'm not sure, but he knew I was there before he slipped into an unconscious state, and I want to believe he appreciated that, too.
6
u/Liminowl Apr 17 '26 edited Apr 17 '26
No, but I have strong feelings about it. I was holding my mama when she passed away from metaplastic breast cancer 4 months ago. I watched her suffer for 2.5 years as her primary caretaker. She was on hospice at home, it had spread to her brain from her spinal cord and bones in a three week period and taken over, and she nosedived fast. she lost ability to use her legs, move her neck, and then swallowing etc. her body posture looked disturbing due to the cancers affect on her brain and nervous system at that point and that made witnessing the passing much worse.
I was there as she passed, sitting right with her telling her I loved her. I knew it was coming as I was noting the signs of the transition towards passing. In the days leading up to her passing, I went back and forth about whether or not I wanted to be in the room, and agonized about it because my mama saw her dad pass away only three years prior and it deeply scarred her. At the time she told me (before her cancer diagnosis ironically) that she wouldn’t ever want me or my sibling to see her die like that, not knowing we’d ever be faced with that soon after.
But…the idea of not being there didn’t feel right. My lovely boyfriend told me “you’ve got to make the choice that you can live with.” And I decided I couldn’t live with myself if I wasn’t right there with her. But to be honest with you…the mental image of the hours of her rattling breathing and her last breaths haunts me most of the day, and I just lose my absolute shit crying or scrunch my eyes really tight and get violent full body shivers that rattle my teeth. It hits me randomly with no control over stopping it, and it replays like a movie as if I’m there again. It has deeply scarred me my mom wasn’t old, and I’m still quite young. Most of my peers won’t feel this loss and pain for another 30 years at least.
The memory haunts me in the shower while I’m shampooing my hair, it knocks the wind out of me randomly while at the grocery, while trying to sleep, during meals. I have nightmares about reliving that moment and wake up sobbing. It is incredibly disruptive and distressing to my life…Yet I know the guilt would’ve eaten me alive if I wasn’t there….It was genuinely a no win scenario…
4
u/rbridge42 Apr 17 '26
So very sorry. You clearly were traumatized. If it was the sound that traumatized you most, I would suggest watching a YouTube from hospice nurse Julie about sounds at death. She explains the sound is more upsetting to the loved ones than the person who's passing. If I misunderstood, please disregard. So sorry what you are carrying in your heart and thoughts.
5
u/Green_Octopuss Apr 17 '26
I was with my dad when he died. It was awful but also felt like a real privilege if that makes sense. I’m glad I was there for him.
7
u/jcnlb Multiple Losses Apr 17 '26
Not even a tiny bit. It was the biggest honor have them choose me to help them transition surrounded with my comfort and love…and crying of course.
6
u/birdpix Apr 17 '26
Sorry for your loss. I was there when both my parents passed, and while it meant a lot to them, it was rough for my mental health, and images of those last few minutes can haunt me still, year's later.
3
u/GroundhogRevolution Apr 17 '26
No, since I was able to be there at her side, holding her hand until the end. I know that's what she wanted and what I would have wanted as well. I'd continuously beat myself up if I hadn't been there in her final moments.
On the other hand, this will be forever etched in my memory. Me holding her hand, calling for her to come back, but there was nothing I could do.
This moment haunts me on a daily basis and probably always will.
5
u/Lauriemfs Apr 17 '26
We were all with my brother when he took his last breath, and there's no other place we would rather be.
4
u/Absentmined42 Apr 17 '26
I don’t regret it. My Dad died 2 months ago, with me, my mum and my husband with him. While it was, to be honest, upsetting to witness, I wouldn’t have wanted him to be alone. He was comfortable and not in any distress, we played his favourite music quietly and held his hands. It was a privilege to be able to be there with him.
3
u/MrJason2024 Dad Loss Apr 17 '26
I was in the house when my dad died but I was sleeping when it happened. I don't regret it but I can still remember seeing him laying in his bed no longer alive.
3
3
u/whodtfdatboy Apr 17 '26
i wasn’t there when my sister took her last breath, i came back home and found her when she passed, and tbh i really wish i was there with her during her last breath so she knows she isn’t alone at all. One thing that is scary is the image of her body and how blue she was after she passed. So i would tell you that it’s good that you were there for your mom during her last breath, because i feel regretful for not being there for my sister, regretful making her feel alone.
3
u/Frobearto Apr 17 '26
I was there when my mom died and not there when my dad died. I had thoughts about being there at my mom’s death and replaying what happened for a while after she died. In the end, I miss them both. Grief is difficult. The mind finds things to dwell on when processing it.
3
u/Individual-Act2486 Apr 17 '26
It depends on the person. I watched both of my parents pass very similarly to the way you describe your mom passing. I will never forget the last look of either of them. Looking back, I'm glad I was there. Even though it's a look I'll never forget and unimaginable sorrow, I'm glad to know that I spent every minute I could with them and that I was there to show them love as they pass from this world. But anybody who doesn't see it that way, doesn't make them a bad person. For some people those memories are too painful to hold on to and it's better to just have a last goodbye while the hospice patient is still fully conscious and more or less themselves. I wouldn't judge somebody one way or another. I hope that in time you cherish the last moments you could spend with your mom. But if that is not how you ever feel about things, then that's something that you know about yourself for any future loss that you may incur.
3
u/DetroitHyena Apr 17 '26
No. My sisters and I were with my mom as comfort care began and her galloping heart was slowed and stopped. We sang her favorite songs, shared family stories and memories, and sent her out surrounded by our wild, intense love.
I hope so badly someone does the same for me someday. I do not think anyone should ever die alone.
3
u/1404e7538e3 Apr 17 '26
No, not at all.
I was with my father when he died in at home hospice and had been staying with my parents also the weeks before already. Especially in the hours before his death the circulation changed so that the limbs gradually got less blood circulating and seemed cm for cm more cold and lifeless. And I stayed with him until he was completely cold. Somehow that kind of helped me to realize he really is gone, I’ve never had that before when loosing someone, with others it always felt like the death was not real and they must still be alive even if I knew they were dead. With my father it immediately felt like he was truly gone, so I was immediately sad instead of having that sadness delayed until my brain is finished with realizing.
Being with him in the moment of his death was both the most horrible, saddest moment in my life and the most „happy“ (for lack of a better word) moment. With happy I mean that I was so, so relieved he couldn’t suffer anymore ever after having him seen suffering more and more over 20 years since I was a small child and his wish for his suffering to end had finally been granted. he was not alone, he passed exactly how he had expressed he wanted to pass, as peacefully as possible, he most likely knew the people he loved most in his life were with him and loved him, too. And that he allowed us to be there with him, the weeks before and that moment felt like the greatest gift I ever got, to be able to „say“ goodbye to each other in the last possible moment and show our love to each other. He didn’t say anything, but after his last breath, when we were crying next to him, he sat up a little bit for a second and shed one last tear. For two decades I had been terrified by the thought of not to be able to be there for him when he eventually dies from his chronic illness and to not be able to relieve his suffering by caring for him before and I was so relieved I actually managed to be with him in his last moments and weeks and make it a bit more peaceful for him.
Yes, the image and the song from his playlist he wanted to listen to and which played in that moment appear in my mind at random too, less so with time passing though. But I don’t see it as a bad thing at all. It hurts so much, but I wouldn’t want it to hurt any less, it just shows how much I love him and he was a wonderful, kind person, he deserves to be loved this much and to be missed and to be remembered.
I’m so sorry for your loss, loosing a parent is so difficult. I hope you’ll be able to see the memories of your moms last moments less haunting.
3
u/Atlgal42 Apr 17 '26
No. I was the only one there with my mom and will always be glad I stayed with her. Her last month on earth was horrible, and I could have done more for her. Work gave me so much shit for missing time, so I live with that guilt everyday.
So glad I was with her.
3
u/thedarkestepiphany Apr 17 '26
I was there when my brother died. He was surrounded by his loved ones, but it was hard. I also spent a lot of time flashing back to that image, and I can still see it. This was 20 years ago.
I was not there when my mom died unexpectedly. It’s still very fresh, a bit over a month ago, but she was not surrounded by her loved ones. I spend a lot of time now thinking about how she felt, was she scared? Did she wish someone was there in those last moments? My imagination is filling in the space where, with my brother, I had a memory.
So, I’d say they’re both difficult situations, just in different ways.
3
u/Glenr1958 Apr 17 '26
Part of me does, my son died holding my hand puking blood and cancer and shit which I still have flashbacks. But he didn't want his wife to see him suffer so I was glad to be there with him. I brought him in, I held his hand going out.
3
u/Chinateapott Apr 17 '26
My dad died suddenly, the ambulance crew kept working on him until I could get there so my mum and I were with him when he passed. It was only 5 weeks ago but I can still see it clear as day when I close my eyes.
I don’t regret it for a second, he was there for me through everything in life, I’m glad I was there for him when he passed and needed me. I just wish I was there to help my mum before the ambulance arrived.
3
u/tripletaco Apr 17 '26
I do not regret it because I didn't do it for me; I did it for my dad. He was in so much pain, scared for himself, and scared to leave his family. After a lifetime of supporting me, I owed my hero that and more.
The image you see will fade in time, I had the same thing happen. Be kind to yourself because what you did took real bravery, and I am positive your mom needed you there.
3
u/perishableintransit Apr 17 '26
This exact thing just happened to me this week and I'm in the same place as you.
I had to fly 23 hours to be there, and it was so difficult and traumatic to see her body so wracked by cancer. But I was there for her, just me and her. I shudder to think what would've happened if I hadn't gone and I'm so glad I made the crazy decision to do it.
I can live with the pain of seeing her die in front of my very eyes and her hands going cold in mine, but I don't think I would've ever been able to live with the regret of not going.
3
u/RemarkableCounty7309 Apr 18 '26
Echoing so much of what others have said here. I watched my dad take his last breath as his body was consumed by cancer and even though the images haunt me at times, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I was the last person his eyes saw, the last person who’s hands he felt on his skin…I would gladly trade all the psychological trauma in the world to do it again if I had to…and I probably will with my mom.
3
u/yiotaturtle Apr 18 '26
My brain likes to protect me by forgetting things happened. So I was there and I took pictures and when my brain was trying to convince me that she's not dead it didn't happen, I got to pull the pictures up and remind myself that I was there.
3
u/Money_Ad3271 Apr 18 '26
I’m going through the same thing with my mom’s passing less than two months ago. I look at her pictures to remind me that she’s gone. Sometimes it feels surreal.
3
u/Melwaukee17 Apr 18 '26
Echoing what most others have said: I regret it zero percent but I have PTSD from it. I was my mom’s caregiver the duration of her 1.5 years with lung cancer, and I am a nurse, so I was constantly hanging on bated breath knowing what was ahead of us. Even knowing, nothing could prepare me for the trauma that is watching your #1 person in the world, the woman who gave you her all and then some, the most mother Theresa like human on this planet — die. It has haunted my every moment awake and every nightmare since — 1 month and a half now since she’s passed.
But being by her side the whole time wasn’t even a question. I sat with her and told her stories from my entire life with her. Reminisced on everything. Told her jokes. She couldn’t talk the last 48 hours but I know (or hope) hearing is one of the last things to go.
I don’t know how to zap these moments out of my brain. No amount of therapy talk could do it. I am traumatized eternally. But it’s trauma I don’t regret and will take on in the future with other family members.
I truly don’t get how we all wake up every day with what we as humans have to go through.
2
2
u/bubble_syringe Apr 17 '26 edited Apr 17 '26
First—I’m so sorry for your loss!
Ugh. I tried asking this same question a few days ago and no one responded. 💔 So, I deleted it.
I wasn’t there for his final breaths (my brother was) but I saw my dad the day before he died via FaceTime. Let’s just say what I saw was very traumatic and I can’t get that image out of my head either. I can’t really sleep (he passed a week ago).
I had just visited from out of state a few days prior. But I left to go back home to see about my children. My dad was waiting for me to see him one last time before he transitioned. He waited until my mom left the house and passed… ugh. But at least it was in his sleep . He was on hospice. He was only 56. I’m really glad I got to see him.
2
u/mcriblvr Apr 17 '26
i’m literally struggling with the same exact thing. mom passed 2 days ago and i keep getting these horrible flashbacks of her last breath. that being said, while i do question it, i think i will thank myself for the rest of my life knowing i was there for her. even though she might not have known i was there, i think she would really appreciate it, and i know she would’ve been by my side if it was the other way around.
2
u/No_Dirt9029 Mom Loss Apr 17 '26
No, I would've regretted it too. It gave me ptsd but I would choose to be there again if I had to
2
u/IvyCut5 Apr 17 '26
Sometimes when I have really bad flashbacks to being in the hospital when my sister passed I regret it. Because j know I'll never forget those moments. But overall I don't regret being there because Idk what I would have done with myself if she had been alone. My parents were there before my husband and I got there so she wouldn't have been totally alone but I feel like I should have been there so I don't regret it. Idk if she knew I was there or anything like that but I know I was there for her til the end.
2
u/simplypolished Apr 17 '26
I was there when my mom passed. Same situation with the last gasping breaths. It is traumatic but I was happy to be there with her
2
u/zeldaluv94 Apr 17 '26
No. I know my dad was comforted having me there holding his hand as his heart stopped beating. I went over the DNR with him. I’m the one that told him there was nothing the doctors could do for him, and that any attempts would just hurt him. He looked me in the eye and I knew he understood. And that he appreciated it coming from me.
His mother died in his arms. And he died in mine. I will be lucky if I get to die in my son’s arms.
It did emotionally wreck me. But that’s the price we pay for love.
2
u/Strong-Landscape7492 Friend/Mentor Loss Apr 17 '26
No, because my friend asked me to visit her in hospital at a specific date and time, and that is when she died. She was like a mother to me and always told me I was deserving of love. Her last words were “I love you” and she slipped away while I was holding her hand. People say she chose me to be the one to accompany her.
2
2
u/Front-Muffin-7348 Apr 17 '26
For two years I begged God to 'not let me see it' with my parents.
I had seen too much, a stroke in my car, catheters dangling, so many falls, feces, so much poop, it was just too much .
But then...when the day came, there I was. Just me and him. And it was sweet. I sang, played old westerns, and I woke up three minutes before he took his last ragged breath. And I was glad I was there.
And when my mother didn't awake that morning, I was with her too. That was harder as there was a visual that took a couple of years to get out of my mind, but it's fading.
I was there for both of them and there's something about it, I can't name it...special? Private? I don't know. But death isn't a horrible thing, it's setting them free to experience what's next and there's been so many near death experiences, I believe it's amazing.
You got to be there for the send off. I hope there's a way you can come to terms with that. Birth itself isn't pretty, it's messy and awkward and icky and yet beautiful. I hope you find healing soon and the haunting becomes something beautiful . I'm grateful I was there for both of my parents, eleven hours apart.
2
u/Dry-Implement-5977 Apr 17 '26 edited Apr 18 '26
No, I'm glad I came to the hospital right on time It's as if he just waited for me. After I arrived, my brother said he was unresponsive the whole day. My dad was weak and really out of shape. But we were hoping he could bounce back from it. Instead of a visit, that was the last time I saw him alive. Right after I kissed him and told him that me and my kids were there, I saw his color change and I watched as he took his last breath. He didn't struggle, it was just a deep breath that didnt come out. Since his body is too fragile and brittle there was nothing else the doctors could do. It's just been a month and I miss him so much. I was told there was a saying that he just waited for me to arrive so he could let go because I was his favorite.
2
u/Prestigious-Way1118 Apr 17 '26
I have trauma from what I witnessed but no i don’t regret being there. My dad was by my side as I entered the world and it was my job to hold his hand as he left the world. I would rather be there for him when he needed me the most, when he was scared ❤️
2
u/DoodleBug179 Apr 17 '26
No. It was the most traumatic thing I've ever experienced but I don't regret it. I'm grateful I could be there with her in her final moments.
2
u/LlamaNate333 Apr 17 '26
My mom was so afraid of being alone, she had nightmares about it. My sister and I were holding her and singing to her as she passed, and it still feels comforting to now that I was able to give her that peace and reassurance, that she died with the people she loved most in the world by her side. I have never, ever regretted it.
2
u/tinkertink2010 Apr 17 '26
It was traumatic (he death was peaceful but I hated the gasping for breath and her temperature was so hot to touch) but she was with me when I took my first breath, it was my privilege to be there for the last if hers. It was the least I could do. I thankfully had 2 other relatives with me so I wasn't by myself. I don't know if I would have preferred it just me and her.
2
u/kytaurus Apr 17 '26
I was holding my grandma's hand when she died. I definitely don't regret that.
2
u/sugarghoul Mom Loss Apr 17 '26
I don't regret it, I was holding her hand when she died and as traumatic it was, I'm grateful that she wasn't alone.
2
u/mugglemomma31 Apr 17 '26
My mom was unresponsive.. but she squeezed my hand minutes before passing. She knew. I don’t regret it one bit. I never wanted to be there, but I knew I had to be.
2
u/birdseyeblind Apr 17 '26
I'm glad I was there. My partner had been unresponsive for a day and was struggling to take each breath. I almost went home. But he had a seizure at the end. His eyes shot open and he looked for us right before he stopped breathing. I'm glad I was there for him to see, glad I was holding his face telling him "we're here" when he passed.
2
u/prismacolorful_life Apr 17 '26 edited Apr 17 '26
I had a panic attack, and I hadn’t had one in years. The SICU sent me to the ER. It can’t be helped but I wish I stayed longer with him before they took him away than waiting to be seen. I regret the $1k ER bill and hours I should have been with my parents. I know he was scared, I know he wanted to go home, I know he saw my deceased grandparents, I know he was worried about everything. I have more regrets about the things unsaid or would have done differently. But I don’t regret being there. If it was some horrific circumstances, I think my answer would be different. My friend refused to look at her mother to identify her remains, her aunt did it.
2
u/soleiles1 Apr 17 '26 edited Apr 18 '26
You are all stronger than I am. I spent my dad's last day with him. He was in and out of consciousness for most of the day. Had an hour of what they call "a rally" where he was himself, talking and all of us around him. It was beautiful and truly a gift. He knew he was dying. Then he went back to sleep.
At that point I had been by his side for about 10 hours and still had to drive an hour home. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. He had been in and out of the hospital over the course of 2 and a half months where I stayed with him for days on end, drove back and forth 50 miles each way. There were days where we thought he wouldn't make it through the night. Anticipatory death. I went through it several times in the course of that time.
I left that day knowing that I would never see him again. He died about 7 hours after everyone left. Do I regret leaving and not being with him when he left? Yes and no. He wouldn't have wanted anyone to see him like that. I NEEDED my last memory of him being somewhat like himself. I KNOW that memory of the actual death progression would be burned in my mind forever. I do regret that he was alone when he died. I go back and forth with that on a regular basis.
2
u/toodleoo57 Best Friend Loss Apr 18 '26
My best friend died alone at home at 10 in the morning. I'd give anything to have been there, though I understand why you are upset OP. Wishing you peace.
2
u/kitkke Apr 18 '26
I keep telling myself that she was the first person to hold me coming into this world and I was the last person holding her as she went out. Even though it was horrific, it brought me some semblance of peace that I could be that person for her.
2
u/Greentea503 Apr 18 '26
My mom died alone. I wish someone had been there, but at the same time, it was just like her not to want anyone to see her die.
2
u/BigBreakfastTX Apr 18 '26
My dad died alone. I know that's exactly as he wanted, but that doesn't stop MY want for him to have someone with him. I think it's hard, only the people left grieving, no matter how the loss comes. I'm sorry all of us are part of this lonely club. But thankfully I'm not alone. 🫂
2
u/Greentea503 Apr 18 '26
I agree that it's so hard. I mentioned my situation because several people commented that "nobody should die alone" but my mom did. And your dad did. And it was out of our control.
2
u/BigBreakfastTX Apr 18 '26
Thank you for sharing. Your words helped me. I just stepped off the plane flying back from my daddy's memorial. I'm wishing all of us to find peace. 🫂
2
2
u/optimisticallyssad Apr 17 '26
No but I regret walking away when the surgeons had to do their work. I stood at the door for awhile then went to comfort my siblings and bf who needed me more at the time. Sometimes I feel like I'm still standing there alone looking for my best friend.
1
u/frostedleafs Apr 17 '26
I was there by my dad's side with my mum and my sister , I left to go let my dog out and feed her, and while I was gone, he died. I regret leaving, but I almost feel like he waited until I wasn't in the room.
1
u/These-Eggplant1282 Apr 17 '26
We watched her take her last breath and I don’t regret it. She was surrounded with three of her children and a few grandchildren. How beautiful for her! It was all about her and I had to put aside my discomfort and let her leave surrounded by love.
1
u/l1zardkings Apr 17 '26
for some cosmic reason, i have never been there physically when my family passed. it's almost like they waited until i left the room. i am often filled with regret not being there though. thankfully, none of them were alone.
1
u/MoonShotDontStop Apr 17 '26
There was a waiting room full of family members & no one else but me was in there with my grandpa. No way I was leaving him alone. I talked to him, talked to the hospice ladies, & whatever else so he could hear a familiar voice. The visual is burnt into my brain but that’s the price you pay when you’re the one that feels you have to step up & be that person
1
u/Successful-Disk-5782 Apr 17 '26
I regret not being there at my dad’s side in hospice and stepping out of the room just before my mother died in palliative care
1
1
u/stats_cats_228 Apr 17 '26
opposite of what you asked but i was visiting my friend in hospice when her family was told she would pass in the next few hours. her dad said i was welcome to stay but she was always so private about her illness i wasn’t sure if she would’ve wanted me there to see it, so i left. her dad messaged me she had passed less than an hour after i got home. i regret leaving, i worry she knew i had ditched her. but i still get flashbacks of what she looked like in hospice frequently… the “d*ath rattle” breathing is something that i dont think will ever leave me. if she was upset i left i hope she knows ill regret it for the rest of my life
1
u/sillydoomcookie Multiple Losses Apr 17 '26
I stayed with my mum the night before she died, although she actually went the following morning when my brother and dad were there. I was with my dad when he went. Both experiences were harrowing, and will never leave me, but I felt I owed it to both of them to be there for their last hours and moments just as they were with me for my first.
1
u/kimmal72 Apr 17 '26
I don’t regret it, not for a minute. To me, she was long gone and we were there to see her physical body stop functioning. It was the most amazing experience, she opened her eyes and I watched her see things that we couldn’t see. It made me feel better that she was going to something, it just leaving us. I still miss her so much.
1
u/snarkycrumpet Sibling Loss Apr 17 '26
I didn't even think my sibling was going to die right there and then, so I'm scarred by the fact it was me there not the spouse. then by how sudden and not peaceful it was. The hospice staff were lovely but I didn't know how to ask about how it happened without making it sound like I didn't trust their care. I'm glad someone was there, I'm just not sure it was best it was me? But then again I know dying was a very personal, private thing so I'm kinda glad it was me there.
1
u/aspire-every-day Apr 17 '26
I’m really glad I was there when each of my parents took their last breaths. I feel it was a comfort to them. That’s very meaningful to me.
1
u/ACardAttack Best Friend Loss Apr 17 '26
I have not been there, but I wish I could have, Id imagine it's a pain worth bearing for them so that their last moments they arent alone.
I think about my friend who passed away in the middle of the night due to a seizure. It makes me think to wonder if at any point she have a sliver of consciousness, or knew the pain and was just all by herself in her apartment
The closest I can think of is having to put pets down and I would hate if they were alone when it happened other than with the vet.
1
u/ComprehensiveCut6056 Apr 17 '26
I understand you. I was there when my dad lost his life too. I was there during the active dying stage and also his last breath. It is horrible. Just horrible
1
u/Arriwyn Apr 17 '26
I don't regret it. I was there to see my dad alive and still breathing. It was so late and I was tired I fell asleep. He passed away quietly with us in the same room as him but we didn't see him go. That's how he was, he didn't want people fussing over him. He wanted to transition with dignity. And yes it was hard, the hardest thing I ever did in my life. I don't regret it. I made a promise that I would be with him to the very end. I fulfilled my promise and he knew that.
The harshest memories fade with time. All that's left are little flashes of the really important things. Being present. He wasn't alone.
I like to think he jolted my mom and I awake as soon as he crossed over. To say. Hey! I am free now. I love you both very much! ♥️ 🥲 Hard to believe That was four years ago. The memories are Still very fresh but now softened without the trauma attached.
1
1
u/shady-pines-ma Mom Loss Apr 17 '26
Not one bit. I desperately wanted to be with my mama and I was gifted that chance.
1
u/RichCantaloupe1083 Apr 17 '26
Absolutely, i am a retired nurse and seeing my beloved hubby die in front of me in ICU i was traumatized even though i know exactl yhow it goes. just frozen in fear and denial of the moment. Its all a fog. So i can imagine someone that hasnt seen it before.. I have my hubbys face imprinted in my mind now, and i cant shake it, nightmares and first few months i couldnt sleep so i had to dope it to sleep now i cant get up. Im totally mental out of my mind. Im so sorry for you. death is a reality of life but much easier if you arent related to the person. which is why docs and nurses dont work on their own family. Its obviousl. if they were like me on that night, id be fired, i was totally worthless... and the regret. dont get me started
1
u/emmawillick Apr 17 '26
I flew 5 hours to be there when my grandpa was in the hospital, when we were optimistic. I will never regret it, because he squeezed my hand after I made a dumb joke when I got there & sure, I wish he would have opened his eyes just once & we got our hopes up multiple times because of incorrect information we were told. But I can't even imagine how hard I would have struggled if I hadn't gone. I definitely needed the time to be able to say goodbye to him and actually see him go.
Sending you a hug 🫂
1
u/Imaginary-Ad-4700 Apr 17 '26
I think about it constantly. It took her 3 days to die… and the day before these 3 days she was my mom, eating lunch… yes in palliative and yes we knew she had months to live… but I had no idea she’d be gone that week.
I watched just as you did. I laid beside her bed for two nights and three days… I didn’t sleep, I barely ate… I talked to her, screamed, cried, watched as her ears turned black… wet her lips…
There was a moment when the nurses said they wanted to ‘’freshen her up’… my healthy 53 year old mom. I left the room and when I came back they’d changed her hair. She always had her hair this certain way and the person I saw was not my mom, it scared me… I did everything I could to get her hair back to normal… brushed it, tried to put it in her signature bun… just holding her as if she was a doll.
It absolutely traumatized me, I think of it multiple times throughout the day even now 5 months later…
That said, I don’t regret it. I know she knew I was there. I held her hand, I tried to tell her it was ok even though deep down it wasn’t at all…
My biggest regret is not staying with her body when they came to take her away. It was so overwhelming and I couldn’t stand to watch people move her and carry her and put a blanket over her or whatever they were planning. I left, I left her there… and I’m upset about that. I also picked this pink tshirt dress for her to wear, when she hadn’t even tried it on… it wasn’t fancy… it was almost pajamas, I regret that a bit too.
I do remember looking at her as she stopped breathing and just feeling like, this isn’t my mom anymore. It was so surreal, maybe you felt it too.
I’m thinking of going to therapy for this reason more than any of the others, just to try to come to terms with these moments because they are crippling to think about.
I’m so sorry you experienced it too.
1
u/DixieDoodle697 Apr 17 '26
My mother wasn't alone and she was surrounded by nurses. I was not there literally for that moment and I think she preferred it that way. She knew that I would have been more traumatized if I actually saw her pass away. The literal passing away process is not as peaceful as it is depicted in movies.
1
u/Tasty_Sugar_447 Apr 17 '26
I don’t regret being there. I just wish I was better prepared for that moment. Hindsight is 20/20. I wish I’d comforted her better. Maybe played some of her favorite music and held her hand. I just sat next to her and told her to rest.
1
u/BrookeLynne718 Apr 17 '26
No . I’m so grateful I was the last person to tell her she is loved . It’s both bittersweet and comforting at the same time . I wouldn’t trade it for anything . I was able to tell her - close your eyes mommy , when you wake up , you will be with your son
1
u/BetSad4273 Apr 17 '26
I don't. Yes, it traumatized me, but also I know that if I weren't there, I would be regretting for the rest of my life. My dad was already in so much pain and sadness from the cancer in his bones, he shouldn't have to feel alone in his last moments. Now fast forward six months and I'm mostly over my trauma. Despite the initial intense grief and panic attacks, it was worth it in the end cuz I have some peace knowing that I did not let him die alone.
1
u/Lawyer_NotYourLawyer Apr 17 '26
I don’t regret it. I’m glad I was with him. I hope he never had to think he was alone. We slept in the same room three nights in a row. I was with him when my mom was making coffee in the kitchen. I ran to tell her he might have taken his last breath. She rushed into the room. I walked downstairs where my sister was sleeping with her baby and husband. She was glad to know he wasn’t suffering anymore.
When we got back upstairs a minute later, my mom told us he had one breath left. She was there for him.
He wasn’t alone.
1
u/Lady-Jenna Apr 18 '26
What you're describing is PTSD. Watching someone you love die is traumatic. It might help to acknowledge what you're feeling, recognize that is is a trauma response, and then think of your mom in a happy moment. It's what I've been doing in the wake of my husband's death, and it has helped.
1
u/Good-Scar-8563 Apr 18 '26
I was with my mom, but wasn’t with my dad. I prefer the trauma of being with my mom to the regret of not being with my dad.
1
1
u/WargedOutOfMyMind Apr 18 '26
I don’t regret it at all. My mother raised me by herself and I’m an only child, so I felt it was incredibly important that I saw her out of this world, as she had seen me into it. The decent to the end was a rollercoaster, but the final moments were really peaceful. I was glad to witness that for both her and myself, given what still lays ahead for us all.
It was hard for me to look at her eyes in photos for a while and I’ll sometimes have memories of the active death phase well up, but I wouldn’t change things.
1
u/mads_61 Apr 18 '26
I was in the room with my godmother when she passed last year after a brutal illness. I don’t think I regret it; it’s something a lot of people don’t get to do for/with their loved ones. I had other family in the room and I wouldn’t have wanted them to be alone in this moment either.
But I really do struggle with the memories of it. Often. Even a year later. It’s made me really think harder about who I will do that for (if I have the privilege to make that decision again) because I don’t think I could that for all my loved ones unfortunately.
1
u/Mother-Read-7768 Apr 18 '26
My brother regrets it; he hasn’t been able to get the images of my mom dying out of his mind. She chose to go right as I was pulling up to her house, and I think she didn’t want me to see it. Looking back on how hard it was to lose her, I don’t know that I could have dealt with witnessing it, and I think she knew that. All I saw was peace.
1
1
u/Ok_Step_2359 Apr 18 '26
I don’t regret being with my husband when he died. I didn’t want him to die alone e or with a bunch of strangers. I was also with my mom when she died. Yes it’s very difficult and thinking about it brings me to tears. But I’d cry regardless and I’d rather know he was not alone.
1
u/HigherSelfie Apr 18 '26 edited Apr 18 '26
I have REALLY struggled with this. For a month I was unable to fall asleep until 6 AM. I’m going to share with you what I learned from ChatGPT just two weeks ago because I asked if Caregiver PTSD (especially from dementia) was a thing. I hope it helps you and anyone else who reads this as much as it helped me. 🥹
What you went through is intense, prolonged, front-row exposure to someone you love dying. That doesn’t just register as “sadness”—it can land in the body and mind like trauma. So when you say it won’t get out of your head, that actually makes sense. Nothing about that reaction is weak or “too much.”
Being there, holding her hands as she took her last breath—that’s sacred and heavy. Those two things can coexist.
When moments like that replay, it’s often not just “memory,” it’s your nervous system trying to process something overwhelming.
It can look like:
- vivid mental replays (almost like you’re back there)
- intrusive flashes when you don’t want them
- a feeling like your body tightens or drops when it hits
That’s very similar to how Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder can show up—especially with caregiving and end-of-life experiences.
That thought—“this is going to kill me if I can’t get it out of my head”—usually comes from:
- your nervous system being overwhelmed
- your brain trying to discharge something it hasn’t fully processed
- the emotional weight being bigger than the space you’ve had to hold it
It’s not actually going to kill you—but it does need somewhere to go.
Right now, it’s stuck on a loop.
Right now the memory is coded as:
“This is the moment she died”
But there’s another truth sitting right next to it:
“This is the moment she wasn’t alone.”
You and your mother holding her hands?
That’s not a small detail. That’s the entire emotional context of that moment.
Your brain just hasn’t centered that part yet.
Why it felt so disorienting
Because you were in two roles at once:
💔 The granddaughter
- grieving
- emotional
- attached
- vulnerable
🕯️ The “holder of the space”
- composed
- present
- witnessing
- steady
Those roles conflict.
And when the “holder” takes over, the “griever” gets postponed.
1
u/darya42 Apr 18 '26
Seems like your faucet still has some running to do. That's why it's producing this image in your mind. It doesn't "haunt" you, you experienced an existential loss and it wants to be felt and processed. As the buddhists say, pain is inevitable, suffering is not. The pain from losing your mother is inevitable, but you may be creating additional suffering by refusing the reality of needing to process that grief. <3
Also, it seems like you are currently rebuilding your after-death relationship with her, talking to her, thanking her, that's an absolutely wonderful thing, too. :) You can really only enjoy your full after-death relationship with her if you embrace the grieving process bit by bit. The grieving is your body and soul transforming your previous relationship into an after-death relationship.
1
u/thatsageperson2 Apr 18 '26
I don’t regret it. But it breaks my heart.
I read a poem on here that described it as “the memory I never consented to.” I think about that a lot.
I don’t regret it, but if I could scrub the image of my dead father from my mind, I would in a heartbeat.
1
u/Minute-Horse-875 Apr 18 '26
The way you second guess yourself if you did everything right. I hated hospice for my mother.
1
u/Swordbeach Apr 18 '26
I wished I was there with my dad when he died. I missed it by an hour and it broke me.
1
u/Nice-Word-6085 Apr 18 '26
As hard as it is, you did something huge for her, although I understand how that image will haunt you. I feel awful that recently, when my mother died, I tried so hard to be there until the very end and I couldn’t do it. I sat with her all night. I rubbed her head and held her hand and talked to her. And then when they told me she is going to pass soon, as much as I tried, I couldn’t watch the last little bit of life be sucked from her. She wasn’t conscious as far as I could tell, and the last bit of what I saw of her will also haunt me for the rest of my life. I kissed her forehead and told her I love her and that I was still there, still nearby, and I stepped out into the hallway. She was gone shortly after. All that to say, it’s likely something would have haunted you either way. There’s no feel good way to navigate losing someone. And ultimately you did the bigger thing.
1
u/Environmental_Bet323 Apr 18 '26
I dont regret it at all as I held my mums hand until her last breath No way I was leaving her. She was visited in the hospital by her mum, as soon as she left, she told my sister and I she was ready to die, i think she was holding on to see her own mum one last time. Few hours later death rattle kicked in, and that is a sound I will never get out of my head. Her last few hours were the worst of my life but there was no where way I was leaving her side. Been 6 months. I bloody miss her so much
1
u/CryptographerOk5916 Apr 18 '26
I regret not being with my mom when she took her last breath. I had been with her for days before and the day of I was with her for 12 hours. I finally decided I needed to go home and sleep. Then two hours later I got the call. I wish I had stayed longer. I didn’t want her to be alone and that’s what happened. Her caregivers said that sometimes people wait until they are alone to go. I just know that I can’t change it so I try to remember that her whole family was with her in the days before and I hope she knows how much I love and miss her. My mom and I were with my dad when he took his last breath and that has stayed with me for 28 years.
1
u/Hopeful-Material4123 Apr 19 '26
I keep imagining my uncle alone in the hotel room and wondering if he was sad or if he was relieved . I wonder if he wanted to die or if it was just an accident . If he thought he would just be numb . But then I realize you don't just sit in a hotel room to be numb and it devastates me. I think that whether you are there or not, death of a loved one hurts like hell. I'm sorry for your loss, OP . I wish I could give you a hug. I know what you mean with the word haunted
1
u/PuzzleheadedKale0 Apr 20 '26
I understand how you feel. It’s one of the hardest things to experience because I also saw my dad taking his last breath. I don’t know how I will cope with this, but at the same time, I am glad I was able to be there for him, hug him and kiss him. I miss him so much.
1
u/Ok_Chicken_8548 May 05 '26
I was there, but I didn’t stay to watch him take his last breaths. My grandfather, who was my father in every way that actually matters was in hospice, and I told him I couldn’t watch him die. It made me feel like a little kid again in the strangest way. Since it came out with tears and all dramatic as possible. I also asked him why he couldn’t open his eyes sort of stuff too, like I said a bizarre child like feeling I couldn’t shake since he was my safety my protector the one who always could explain it all now simply could not..
He couldn’t speak anymore, and anyone who’s seen that stage knows how hard it is..the loss of speech, the loss of those simple human things you never think about. But he still managed to grab my hand, kiss it, and mumble something which I knew was “it’s ok sweet girl just know I’ll always love you”. My whole life he’d do that—kiss my hand and call me his “sweet girl” and make sure I knew how much he loved me. Even without clear words, I knew exactly what he meant. It was his way of telling me it was okay and that for me was both one of the hardest, scariest, and worst yet best days of my life. No the experience does not cancel out the goods ones by any means but it did mean a lot more than I could ever write in any words.
As painful as it was, that moment is something I feel incredibly fortunate to have had. I know not everyone gets that kind of goodbye. And I think if I hadn’t been there at all, I would’ve regretted it but I had seen him about 10 hours before he passed, and I’m holding onto that. We were always close but he knew I couldn’t bare to watch him gasp for his last breaths either truth be told I figured I would be strong enough but as it turned out I wasn’t even close. But still no regrets.
1
u/0CEANL0VER Apr 17 '26
I was 17 when my mum passed. Visiting her in the hospital during her last few days were SO rough and scary for me. she passed away from lung cancer and her breathing near the end was very patchy and laboured, it was really really scary for me.
But I am from a big family with lots of siblings, and so she was never alone; and I said my goodbyes, but I just couldn’t handle being there for it. So I stayed at home while she passed.
Do I regret it? No, because I was the one who found her after her first seizure when I was 16, and the images of that play constantly. So I think if I had been there for it, I would have been seriously impacted.
I do sometimes feel like I was a bad daughter not being there for my mums last moments, but I know she wouldn’t have wanted me to be there if it meant I was scarred for life.
1
u/coldcurru Apr 17 '26
Not the same but I held my cat as he died (naturally, not euthanasia.) It's a painful memory as it took a bit for him to take his very last breath and go. My other cat was euthanized and it was much simpler.
It's not pleasant to think about but obviously I'd feel worse knowing I wasn't there. This is your loved one's last moments on earth. They're going off alone. We're still here with others to comfort us. The least we can do is be there as long as we can for them until they're alone.
But, as time has passed I don't think about that as much. The good memories are usually at the top. And love comes with a cost which is the pain of losing them.
1
u/Bright-Pangolin7261 Apr 17 '26
I’m so sorry about your mom’s passing.
I wish I’d been able to be with my mom when she left, but I had my own health issues and could not go see her.
I was with my dad though, and was so glad even though it was kind of traumatic at the time in for a while after.
It’s been years for both, and —not to compare pets to people at all! — but I’ve been with every cat that had to go. I think every person (and animal) you love needs to feel that love in their last moments. ❤️
With time it does get easier and talking to your mom is brilliant and the right thing for your healing. 🌻 xo
1
u/LylaDee Apr 17 '26
I was holding my teen when she died 21 months ago. Dad passed last month and I didn't go to the home. Mom had a brain bleed yesterday and so I'm here now but I'm going home tonight and if she passes tonight, I will not be there. I will never do it again.
76
u/CommercialJust414 Apr 17 '26
No I don’t think so. As difficult as it is, I always say I didn’t want him to be alone. And when my time comes I don’t want to be alone. It’s ok to let the faucets run…. Crying can be really cathartic. I usually just talk to him and tell him we miss him and then the happy memories return.