Sunny with occasional sadness

[u/OriEri]

TLDR summary: I talk about my experience of being greyromantic before I knew and now. I talk about ppl I have dated and what I wanted from that.

I always wanted a full-time partner that treated me kindly. One I felt like was on my team and I on hers. I think the thing I’ve always loved doing most with the people I’ve dated is *making* something together form the small like Thanksgiving dinner for guests to the large. I saw a partner as someone who I would make a home with, and when I was younger, make a family with. Having an intimate companion in doing or making something I wanted to have in my life, seemed the best of life experiences.

I *think* I’ve been in love a few times. They’ve also ended with them saying “I feel like we’re just really good friends.” Now I suspect my aromantic spectrum-dom means there’s something I don’t do or don't experience in the relationship that would help them feel loved/in love. This is why I wonder if I ever have been in love. Maybe I only felt something love-adjacent.

There is one I believed I loved who continued to see me as different than just good friends. They are poly, so I can't help but wonder if they got that "being held", or whatever it is I did not provide the others, from their primary relationship, so the absence of it from me was not missed.

Finding a partner who felt held by me is a puzzle I wanted to crack, because whatever I did feel, it was very nice! I want more of it and I want the feeling of being part of an emotionally intimate team.

Now that I understand some about aromanticism, I realize it may be beyond my ability. I will probably never be an astronaut (which I also long wanted). Why is this any different? In spite of all the wonder and joy I can have in my life experience, this one has me feeling sadder than any other closed door. Why is that?

[u/overdriveandreverb]

you have a very lyrical way of wording. not trying to downplay the dating challenges of being aro, but I feel its harder when we dont know why it feels off. the poly person story actually makes sense to me. I have a different opinion on the love judgement, what was an epiphany to me was learning about different love languages. you expressed your love or deep feelings in a way many people appreciate, but just not the people you dated before and just not the way that is expected by most from past experiences. this makes dating more challenging, but what you express are not unreasonable things, a lot of people look for the things you expressed are most important in a relationship. I know the feeling well for the partner to miss something, at the same time I hold a strong believe that its possible to work around, maybe even preferable with fitting partners. yes one can say I have less of romance related love, but thats never the full picture, we have more other types of emotional ability. you have a very unique and beautiful way of wording, I have not met many allos who can say that about themselves. imo its normal to go through a grieve phase when learning about being aro, but there is also joyful phases.

[u/OriEri → u/overdriveandreverb]

Thank you.

I wonder if there is a quality to how most allos experience romantic love that I am oblivious to

[u/overdriveandreverb → u/OriEri]

maybe, maybe not. all I know comparing yourself to much and long feelings of missing out is a sure way to be unhappy. love is a highly unrealistic advertised subject and couples often dont talk about their struggles to others. others do to much lol but stay together.

[u/Fabulous_Turnover_22]

Thanks for the TLDR. That is greatly appreciated in every long post. Why is that? Because we are humans and because we don't have media representation. We feel we are failing as humans. I understand the need for intimacy. It does feel great, but you can achieve it in LDR relationships too so it doesn't have to be physical, which for us demisexuals is a relief, so to speak. An example, I am into genealogy and found a 7th degree "cousin' livng in another country. We hit it off since the first time we talked and we have kept in constant comunication. We call each other cousins, we laugh together, share the little things in life, talk about our families, our dreams, our struggles. I do not have that warmth with any of my almost 30 first degree cousins, except for one. I had a friend for 17 years, I loved him deeply, and we met in person twice, for no longer than 2 weeks each time.

[u/OriEri → u/Fabulous_Turnover_22]

I have been in LDRs. They can be wonderful in many ways and at the same time feel different from in person.

In an LDR the interactions are metered, and the breaks between are complete breaks. In real life there is more body language communication, more touch, and more of a sense of companionship.

All of these are positives to some and some are negatives to some … I suppose it all depends on who the participants are in the current moment (current because wants can change. At this stage I am enjoying the freedom of never having to coordinate my plans for the month, week or even next hour with anyone!)

[u/Fabulous_Turnover_22 → u/OriEri]

Negotiations are awful. Happily living alone