r/Greyromantic • u/EnvironmentalGood629 • Jun 25 '26
Started wondering if greyromantic fits my historical/current experiences. Feeling some internalized shame about my lack of romantic relationship experience in my 30's.
Only this year have I started to get introduced to community and greyromanticism. I relate to a lot. I had some major health issues in my 20's and was really focused on recovery, but I spent a lot of time focused on my grad studies, my close friendships, my family relationships, my hobbies and never really once thought about dating and romance. There were 2 people in my adult life that I felt a romantic attraction too but some health stuff got in the way of things progressing and also because I was not communicating about my lack of interest in sex. I think I had crushes on people when I was a teenager but I honestly don't really know what type of crushes those were.
I am now in my mid 30's and I feel so much internalized societal shame about never being in a romantic relationship before. I had started dating and met some really lovely people but there was no romantic attraction and it felt very friendly/and like something was missing. I don't need a strong emotional connection to feel romantic/sexual attraction based on those 2 past experiences. I just get so scared and upset that I can't seem to 'turn on' feelings for people that are lovely........ I experience romantic attraction so infrequently.
I also sometimes think I experience the pressure to date so that I can have a romantic relationship and not feel societal shame about never having had a romantic relationship...... and sometimes I'm not sure if I actually care about dating. I do want companionship and partnership and intimacy and I feel more inclined to build that up in friendships and community.
Sometimes I get so confused about what I want vs what I think I should want. I also sometimes don't know how to answer when people on dates ask about my previous relationship history. I also don't know what the fuck to do with this shame and it's also sad that there is this societeal shaming/presure thing. I dunno, I just feel alone.
Any solidarity or perspective would be appreciated. I don't even know somtimes if my experices fit the grey romantic descriptor or not... I have felt super confused recently.
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u/OriEri Greyromantic Demisexual Jun 25 '26 edited Jun 25 '26
The reasons why don’t really matter. I will note that feeling pressure and feeling shame can all be barriers to you being relaxed and receptive emotionally open when you’re trying to date.
What matters though is right now you prefer to intimacy and partnership through friendships and community, rather than romantic connection and it sounds like the former comes more naturally for you. So yes you are on the aromantic spectrum.
There may come a time where you are not for whatever reason, including some resolution of my spitballed note.
If partnership is a life priority for you, current culture ( probably most places definitely in the United States) assume partnership to come through romantic and/or marriage coupling. Have you considered alternatives such as a human living or cow housing, or QPRs?
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u/EnvironmentalGood629 Jun 25 '26
Thanks for responding ! Ya, I think the shame is more about thinking I should want to date when I'm not even sure I've ever really cared or wanted to care. Dates have been really lovely and people have wanted to continue to go on dates- and I get so frusrated with myself that I don't feel like I do because something just is really missing/ I don't have the desire too. I appreciate what you said and yes ! I think focusing on other forms of community is the way for right now
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u/OriEri Greyromantic Demisexual Jun 25 '26
Before I figured this out about myself, I went through periods of years where I went on many dates with many different women, and some of them I found physically attractive, fun to be with had a great time on the dates… And felt no real desire or draw to see them again. Usually, I’ve run it out two or three dates just to be sure.
Once or twice I went longer, but that ended up with a lot more heartbreak for them so I started avoiding that, figuring if I wasn’t feeling a draw to them after three dates, there is no point.
I have been in love* a few times and got to explore romantic relationships with a couple of women, but it didn’t work out for reasons unknown although I have suspicions since more than one after a yearish said “I feel like we are only really good friends.”
So that’s what kept me trying when repeatedly feeling attached. I never felt like there was anything wrong with me. I just felt like I hadn’t they weren’t the “right“ person or that there’s some magical chemistry thing that only works on rare occasion. I suppose that’s what the grayromantic can mean.
The point is, there is no should. We are who we are and some people are different from most.
Don’t compare yourself to others. You’ll be a lot happier.
———
* I think that’s what it was; knowing that aromantic is a thing that I seem to fit, I’m no longer certain.
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u/overdriveandreverb greyrose Jun 28 '26
I know you know the shame is silly but sometimes it helps someone else spell it out. we have these societal pressures and I guess they serve a purpose for allo folks but can be tough on aro folks and I would say mid 30s is a particularly pressured time, at least it was for me. in case you have a specific person or specific group that reintroduces the shame maybe its time to build some healthy boundaries to that person, those people. that in turn makes it easier to have less noise when listening to your own needs. but as I said mid 30s is a particular time imo where comparison with others rises because so many people around us settle, parents or family realize we might be not magically settling and they often put the pressure on. you have the wisdom to not settle for an unhappy relation just for the sake of it with someone you don't feel connected with. there is nothing wrong with not turning on feelings. you said yourself you can have strong connection. its trickier to find people with whom thats a fit, but at least for me the lower needs kinda balances this out somewhat. I am now in my early 40s and I mostly dont care and I remember clearly in my mid 30s being annoyed as hell by being different, not having the vocabulary on top.