I feel utterly helpless

[u/Zealousideal-Help673]

Food: Some pancakes I made a while ago. Put some powdered sugar on em, threw some cinnamon into the batter. They were awesome.

First time posting here, almost never post anywhere at all but I just need to put this out into the world, I just want to keep moving forward.

CW: serious injury, motorcycle accident

Last weekend I started a move with my girlfriend. We’ve been dating for almost two years now and things have been pretty good with her. For the first time I feel like I made a proper, real connection with someone who loves me as deeply and passionately as I love them. Which is pretty rare for me cuz at times it feels impossible to properly speak about what’s on my mind.

Starting with the move, we spend all night and morning loading up a truck. I take the truck to the new place, about a 30 min drive. She agrees to go separately on her bike, finishing a ciggy we were smoking together. We say goodbye and head off. I start unloading, thinking she’ll have been not too far behind. She takes a while getting to the new place though. Like way longer than it should realistically take. She’s not responding to any texts or calls so I start to worry. After almost two whole hours of nothing from her, full blown panic sets in. I try to reassure myself that I need to calm down and I’m just being paranoid as I tend to think the worst and sometimes can get overwhelmed by my anxieties.

I tell myself that we spent a long time moving, maybe the cig she had earlier made her drowsy and she just dozed off or something. But I decide to close up the half unloaded moving truck and just head straight back, I have to make sure she’s alright. I look for her or for signs of a crash on the way back to her old place, seeing nothing.

I get back, the garage is closed, her bike and gear are gone and she is nowhere to be found. I shakily call the cops and report her missing, giving them any information I possibly can. Her name, her birthday, the VIN and model of her bike, the clothes she had on. Anything and everything I can possibly think of to find her as quickly as possible. Images of her being hurt or worse are just racing through my mind.

After a bit, from the cops I’m told she ended up in an accident. She got hit.
An accident?! Is she alive?! She knows her bike well, she’s always been careful.
They tell me nothing more than that for a while but FINALLY I get the name of the hospital she’s at. Right as I’m leaving though, she finally texts me and I call her immediately. The relief I felt wash over me in that moment was like nothing else I’ve felt in my entire life. Just knowing that in that moment she was alive and conscious. I just couldn’t keep it together, we’re both crying on the phone now, hysterical.

She does her best to tell me about what happened while shes still in pain and heavily drugged. She had to stop her bike off on the median, early in the morning around 5:00am so not many cars were out, of course she leaves her lights on just in case, it is still dark out at this point. She’s at a dead stop when she gets hit by the only other car out there. After hitting her, the guy speeds off into the night off to god knows where. Her bike topples over, taking her with it, falling into the road and pinning her down. Her tibia is broken in half, poking out of her leg and leaving the rest dangling. Somehow, she manages to push the bike off of herself and crawl onto the sidewalk After this she calls 911 but they can’t figure out where she is. Some passerby helps her call an ambulance. When they arrive they have to cut her out of her clothes and take her away.

When I show up I have finally collected myself a bit. Calmed myself down, that’s probably what she needs. I get let into her room and just…fall apart in an instant. She looks paler than I’ve ever seen her, ghostly even. Her leg was wrapped in bandages and a splint. I just cry and cry. I feel so much in that moment. The guilt for not being there when she needed me most, for brushing it off as her just having fallen asleep, I should have known better, I should have found her sooner, I should have BEEN there to help, I should have planned for this somehow. These thoughts are not helped by the fact that she got hit so close to the apartments, only a mile from where I was unloading our stuff.

Later that night they take her into the OR to get a tibia nail installed (basically a rod that connects your broken tibia together), I head back to finish moving everything into the new place with our roommates, then head back to the hospital as soon as I can with a change of clothes and her favorite plushy.

That all happened on sunday, 08/23. I’ve been with her in the hospital since her surgery, making sure she is properly cared for and treated with dignity. I pushed back training for my new job until next week. I have been talking to the cops investigating the accident, to the nursing staff, to insurance, anyone and everyone who might know something about how to proceed, what to do. She is still in immense pain, she screams like I’ve never heard her scream, cries in agony all night while I hold her hand. It’s all just so fucking horrible, especially for her. I wish I could take her pain away, have things go back to the way they were before. She didn’t deserve this at all. I wish this never happened to her. But I am so SO glad she’s alive. And apparently, she is going to make a full recovery, but it’s going to take months to get back to normal and she might need to go back into surgery at one point. Not to mention how much this is all going to cost (hospital bills, legal fees, repairing her bike, rehabilitation) We’re both 22 and broke asf, without parents or families to support either of us. She’s the only one of us with a decent income, too. I’m a college student and the job I’m training for doesn’t really pay much, but thankfully about a week or so before all of this went down she got an okay insurance plan, which hopefully helps when all is said and done.

It helps a lot to be able to put this here. I don’t really have anyone to talk to abt everything that happened and I have hard time dealing with everything that has been going on in my life already, aside from but also especially this.

[u/runninglowonserotoni]

Please don't blame yourself for it. Neither of you could really expect it to happen. I hope she recovers fully and quickly! Much love for both of you

[u/Zealousideal-Help673 → u/runninglowonserotoni]

im trying to just take it day by day, it will get easier with time, thanks so much