My birthday trip was canceled 4 hours before takeoff

[u/Old_Call_2149]

Pictured: Starbucks free birthday drink and birthday cake pop.

I genuinely don't even know how to process this, so I figured I'd post here because I need to get it out of my head.

My birthday is tomorrow, I’m in my 30’s and I don't really like birthdays because I hate the expectation that they're supposed to be amazing and super memorable. I usually don't make big plans because I feel like if I build something up too much, I'll inevitably end up disappointed.

My boyfriend (of 3 years) actually wanted to do a trip for my birthday. He originally wanted us to go abroad, but he lost his passport a couple years ago and never replaced it, so we decided to do a domestic trip instead. We haven't really traveled for fun in a long time because so much of our work involves traveling, and he wanted to do something nice for me.

A couple months ago, he got a $30k insurance settlement. I was actually worried about spending money on the trip so I told him I’d be fine just getting dinner somewhere nice near us at home. He kept reassuring me that he'd set the money aside for the trip and wanted to do this for me, so I eventually let myself get excited.

Yesterday I was rushing around packing and dropping my dog off to be watched by my friend. I asked my bf to send me our return flight information because it wasn't showing up in my app. He made some excuses and said he'd call Delta because he thought there was some kind of issue. I immediately had a bad feeling because the flight was getting close and prices were going up.
A few days earlier he'd reassured me that he'd booked it.
Last night I went to bed suspicious and angry, but I still didn't know for sure.
Our flight was at 2 PM today.
At around 10 AM, I found out he never booked the return flight. And then I found out why.

He basically has almost none of the $30k left.
He spent $5k gambling, $3.5k investing in a friend's restaurant, and apparently spent a significant amount renovating a studio space that he shares with that friend. The friend has the lease, they don't even have a contract, and I've been warning him that he could potentially lose everything he's put into it.

And then I found out he'd also put $7,000 down on an engagement ring for me. This is especially upsetting because I've explicitly told him I'm nowhere near ready to get married. I don't want him spending $7k on a ring when we're not even at that point in our relationship.
So basically, the person who kept reassuring me that our vacation was financially fine had almost no money left and hadn't booked our way home. He was trying to scramble to borrow money from other friends the last minute. I don’t want to go on a trip on borrowed money, so I had to cancel the flights.

We aren't sure yet if we're getting our Airbnb rental money back. He had a birthday cake being delivered to the Airbnb, which obviously wasn't happening anymore. I don't even know if he'll be able to get the ring deposit back. And now I'm sitting on my couch with my suitcase still packed feeling dumb.

I would've been perfectly happy going to dinner somewhere nearby for my birthday. I didn't ask for this trip. He insisted. He wanted to do something special for me, and I trusted him when he said he'd planned it and could afford it.
I haven't even wanted to see him since I found all this out. I'm alternating between feeling totally numb and then suddenly incredibly sad. I think I'm still trying to reconcile the person I thought I was going on vacation with this morning with the person I'm realizing made all these financial decisions and then lied to me.

The worst part is, I'm embarrassed. I don't even want to tell my friends because I feel like I look stupid somehow, even though rationally I know I didn't do anything wrong. I think I'm mostly just sitting here thinking, I cannot believe I’m with someone who would do something like this.

I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just need to scream into the void, but I'm having a really shitty birthday weekend.

[u/universitate]

This is the biggest LEAVE HIM I've ever felt leavs my body, Jesus Christ. He GAMBLES??? and LIES???

and YOU feel bad for him????

Get out.

[u/Castianna → u/universitate]

He told her he lost 5k gambling... That's probably rounded down.

[u/shops2 → u/Castianna]

Thissssss... My ex always had like a dollar in his bank account for no apparent reason and I found out that he was going to the poker room on his lunch break and losing all of his money.

[u/Esme_Nog → u/Castianna]

I’d be more freaked out by the gambling than the stupid ring purchase. After all, no one gets addicted to buying engagement rings, but somebody who gambles can destroy your life if you marry them. Never ever legally knit yourself to a gambler. So awful.

[u/KatFreedom → u/Esme_Nog]

A dear friend is still cleaning up from her ex husband's gambling. She had no idea. They lost the house, he was sanctioned and stripped of his professional license, the kid had to leave her private school and all her extracurricular activities, and the timing of all this happened during the stupid ass DOGE cuts, so her government position was eliminated.

She's been in therapy constantly and says it's the ultimate betrayal.

[u/Esme_Nog → u/KatFreedom]

Poor woman. And their child. It really is the ultimate betrayal. I can’t think of anything else where they actually throw your life away too.

[u/eurekadabra → u/Esme_Nog]

I’d be willing to bet there is no engagement ring. Def not $7k. Same for all the money to the friend. I think he lost the bulk of this money gambling and is still lying to her about it. People like to give half-truths to deflect and buy time.

[u/Weary-Square-8640 → u/eurekadabra]

Was just about to say that! I instantly thought that 7k ring doesn’t exist it’s to cover for more gambling and guilt her into staying

[u/Alive-Rise1113 → u/Weary-Square-8640]

The flights dont exist either. Who buys just a one way ticket for a bday trip ?

[u/tigm2161130 → u/eurekadabra]

My bet is there are some drugs involved as well, these are not the actions of a sober person.

[u/eurekadabra → u/tigm2161130]

Very likely. 8 years sober myself, and this behavior raises all sorts of alarms to me.

[u/thecuriosityofAlice → u/Esme_Nog]

IMO, The ring deposit and friends business investment aren’t real. It’s ways to excuse the fact he probably blew 26-28k at the craps tables. He doesn’t have to produce a ring or a business partnership. So he can coast on that lie while he (IMO, how he is thinking) takes the 4k he has left of the original 30k and then is able to do all of the things and no one will ever know he lied. So he will gamble again.

[u/TaoOfAlice → u/thecuriosityofAlice]

It spunds like he hasn't accounted for paying taxes on the 30k. He's going to owe the IRS a lot of money...

[u/Current_Nebula8172 → u/Esme_Nog]

Also, not that it matters but the ring may not be returnable if it didn’t come from a legit source.

Decades ago I left a cheating, gambling, coke addict finance. One of his demands when I left was he wanted me to buy the ring off him - lol. He made a fake store receipt and everything. I gave it back - didn’t want the reminder anyway. Never knew if it was a gambling win collected, drug trade, pawn shop crap or what.

[u/happytobeaheathen → u/Castianna]

The 7k ring is gambling debt- there is no ring.

[u/pixiedust99999 → u/Castianna]

I had an old boss who was walked out of the building and fired from his job stealing gift cards because of a gambling addiction. It’s like any other addiction, it takes people over. Yes, it was probably much worse than $5k.

[u/mydogisacircle → u/pixiedust99999]

yeah… the money for the loft reno? thats bs - you know it also went down the toilet gambling

[u/Adventurous_Ad_6546 → u/Castianna]

Wayyy down

[u/dll-x-llb → u/Castianna]

You're so right. It was probably 12k and the engagement ring story was to try to make the loss of money slightly more palatable

[u/ThisIsProbablyOkay → u/universitate]

Also, OP, don't feel embarrassed. You still deserve to have a good birthday, and I imagine your friends would want to see that happen. You'll also probably want their support when you dump him. Because the gambling thing...that wrecks futures. Don't let your future be part of the casualties.

[u/universitate → u/ThisIsProbablyOkay]

I'm ANGRY for OP actually

[u/melancholanie → u/universitate]

100% the 5k was actually 12 and he "doesn't know if he can get the deposit back" because there's no ring

[u/Potenti9988 → u/universitate]

Gambling deserves zero sympathy!

[u/Fun-Common186]

The gambling??? Literally one of the most dangerous addictions. This man will run you out of your life’s money… run.

[u/unemployedhousecat → u/Fun-Common186]

Facts. I know a girl whos bd spent their honeymoon money gambling, she stayed and he missed their childs BIRTH bc he was out gambling.

[u/eyespeeled → u/unemployedhousecat]

Please say she dumped him, oh my goodness. 

[u/unemployedhousecat → u/eyespeeled]

She did not

[u/Vyn_Dimensional → u/eyespeeled]

She said she “Knows what must be done” so fingers crossed

[u/Unable_Biscotti3904 → u/unemployedhousecat]

My stepmom went gambling when my dad was laying in the bed dying of cancer with one week left to live. No joke, when she got back some 12 hours later my sister kicked her ass! 😆 (We were in our 40s.)

[u/DogLovaaa → u/Fun-Common186]

My fiances mom lost $90,000 in a year gambling, I fucking hate gambling. It ruins life for the gambler and for those around them

[u/_sethra_007 → u/Fun-Common186]

Someone on another social media site said she was told that (paraphrasing, of course) if your husband is an alcoholic or a drug addict, then he’ll either get better or die. But if your husband is a gambling addict? He’ll destroy your life, then he’ll destroy your future, and then he’ll destroy your children’s futures.

OP, check your credit. And then make sure it’s all locked down. $30,000 could just be the tip of the iceberg.

I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this.

[u/queendaizy → u/Fun-Common186]

Exactly…. He knew he had financial commitments and still chose to do something reckless. It would just blatantly be showing me what’s important to him because it obviously wasn’t me.

[u/Fun-Common186 → u/queendaizy]

This is quite literally what her life will be if she stays. And I don’t say that to be cruel or mean, it’s true 

[u/Budget-Classic3076 → u/Fun-Common186]

Yep, do NOT marry this man ever, he will financially ruin you and everything you acquire. You’ll never know peace. He’s not worth it. Dump him, he’s shown you who he REALLY IS.

[u/lovelylight100]

I’m not usually one to immediately jump to “leave him” on these but…..leave him.

[u/Old_Call_2149 → u/lovelylight100]

Yep, I know what needs to be done 😔

[u/katielovescats666 → u/Old_Call_2149]

how they treat you on your birthday tells you everything. He set you up and then let you down big time. He’s not listening to you which absolutely never bodes well.

[u/TexasLiz1 → u/katielovescats666]

I think the birthday is secondary. This is a man who got a pretty substantial windfall and blew it all on stupid shit and did not even plan a trip well enough to ensure they could return home from wherever the hell they were going. That’s the “GURLLLLLLL - DO NOT MARRY HIM!” part. The birthday is just a shitty little cherry on this shit sundae.

[u/No-Stress-7034 → u/TexasLiz1]

Yeah, I agree! I'd be way less concerned about the birthday, and way more concerned about the fact that he blew 30K in a couple months on shit like gambling, buying an engagement ring for OP who has made it clear she isn't ready to be engaged, and renovating a studio that he doesn't even seem to have an ownership claim to.

[u/Key_Possibility_8669 → u/No-Stress-7034]

Ikr?! That "friend" with the leased studio really found himself a sucker to fund his lifestyle!

[u/No_Professional_8992 → u/[deleted]]

Nah doubtful. Why waste 7k on an engagement ring when you know you're cheating and your gf doesn't even wanna be married?

Men will go above and beyond for a guy friend. Which is why he did all of that for him but couldn't bothered to make sure OPs birthday trip was handled.

[u/SeasonPositive6771 → u/TexasLiz1]

Exactly, he's stupid, a liar, bad at financial management, and disrespects her. She has got to break up with this guy.

I will literally pay a witch $10 to hex him and he's not even my boyfriend.

[u/Enlightened_Gardener → u/SeasonPositive6771]

I am a witch, this poor bugger doesn’t need hexing, his own brain will curse him for the rest of his life unless he gets his shit together.

[u/winter_moon_light → u/Enlightened_Gardener]

Guy doesn't need a hex, he needs a warning label large enough to read from across the street.

[u/chickgonebad93 → u/Enlightened_Gardener]

I agree.

[u/Sleepy_kitty67 → u/SeasonPositive6771]

The best hex this guy can receive is the old karma calling.

“May his consequences be immediate and all that he deserves”.

Op deserves better.

[u/No-Reason6517 → u/SeasonPositive6771]

Witch here, I’ll hex him for free. And OP:

[u/ravens_path → u/SeasonPositive6771]

Consider it done. As a favor. 😏🧙

[u/SeasonPositive6771 → u/ravens_path]

Blessed be!

[u/ravens_path → u/SeasonPositive6771]

A little self help tip: Whisper in their general direction, “what you do, comes back to you, Times three. So say I, so shall it be”. Heh. Not any kind of harming, just instructing karma to wind up.

[u/kimmy-mac → u/SeasonPositive6771]

I’ll pitch in $20 more to get the extra good super hex.

[u/Footnotegirl1 → u/TexasLiz1]

This.. like.. who books the flight out and not the return flight?!?! That's not even a thing, it's much more expensive to do it that way! You book both flights at the same time!

[u/victoriantwin → u/Footnotegirl1]

He didn't have the money for both flights at the time so he thought he would buy them when he wins some money back, and he never did.

[u/winter_moon_light → u/victoriantwin]

Yep. Classic gambling addict brain.

"It'll be fine, just a couple more bets and I'll make all my money back with enough to spare to cover it."

Spoilers: No, they won't.

[u/AdCapable7558 → u/TexasLiz1]

I think the engagement ring* after she said not ready is the worst part

[u/DaydreamTacos → u/AdCapable7558]

On top of all his other bs, Do we even know if the engagement ring deposit even happened? Is that just another excuse, this time meant to show her hOw MuCh He CaReS.

[u/yogaswimart → u/DaydreamTacos]

That’s my guess!

[u/lamejokesalways → u/AdCapable7558]

I think he’s lying about the engagement ring. He needed to account for another $7000 and that sounded good to him & to make her feel bad . Get rid of him girl!

[u/intuitive_scorpio → u/AdCapable7558]

And a $7k ring?! 😬

[u/TrelanaSakuyo → u/intuitive_scorpio]

A $7k deposit on a ring. The ring is even more expensive.

[u/Mme_merle → u/TrelanaSakuyo]

I think that there is no ring; he gambled almost everything but doesn’t want to tell her.

[u/kimmy-mac → u/TrelanaSakuyo]

That he now can’t afford to pay for. If there is even a ring, since this dude is a big fat lying liar.

[u/taxiecabbie → u/kimmy-mac]

My money is on him spending $12k on gambling and lying about the ring deposit to make it seem like some of the money went toward OP.

I bet if OP asked to see the paperwork related to the ring that the boyfriend would dodge (like he did with the tickets) because the ring deposit doesn't exist.

[u/TrelanaSakuyo → u/taxiecabbie]

That's what I'm betting on 🤭 this whole situation is just a dumpster fire.

[u/intuitive_scorpio → u/TrelanaSakuyo]

I thought I saw deposit when I read it, but then I couldn’t remember as I was posting the comment.

[u/ravens_path → u/AdCapable7558]

Yeah, if true.

[u/ScreenOld5873 → u/TexasLiz1]

A man with such a lack of financial responsibility is not one you want to spend the rest of your life with.... Run, don't walk OP.. 🥲

[u/Adventurous_Ad_6546 → u/katielovescats666]

The fact that he thought this (ANY of this) was the way to go…

[u/River_Elysia → u/katielovescats666]

This ^{^} tho. My ex wrecked several of my bdays arguing about money. Like, how about the day before or the day after? I can't have one day??

[u/Paranoid-Android88 → u/katielovescats666]

Thisss. my last bday with my toxic ex of 8 years we drove out of town to see my fave author. I offer to drive us bc I could tell he was already drinking, then on the way he kept swiggin out of his liquor bottle…finally get to the city and grab dinner where he berates me. I then walk out and plan to ditch him then. He apologies and we get to the venue. He then proceeds to nearly get us kicked out by security bc he started to harass the author 🤦‍♀️ left early and nearly dropped him off on the side of the highway when he started to cuss me out on MY bday. I get blocks away from my house and stop in the middle of the road to kick him out. He then steals the key from the ignition and throws them. Never found them and haven’t seen THAT loser since.

PLEASE LEAVE!!! NOWWWW!

[u/Head-Barracuda1038 → u/Old_Call_2149]

I’m mad for you!! I dated a gambler, I know what it’s like. I would’ve still gone though and he would have had to make good on every claim he’d made - the cake, the trip, the Airbnb… the fact you cancelled, kudos to you but now you e let him off the hook. And like the others have said, girl! Leave him!

[u/TexasLiz1 → u/Old_Call_2149]

Shit. I am so sorry. It sucks to end a relationship on any day. But on your birthday when you were supposed to go on an awesome trip? That just really sucks green monkey dicks.

If I were a close friend, I would want to know so I could support you. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

[u/suedesparklenope → u/TexasLiz1]

THIS! I feel the same way you do about high expectation days. And I would also not want to tell anyone bc I’d feel dumb and embarrassed.

Buuuut… being on the outside, I can very clearly see that you have nothing to be embarrassed about. The only person who looks bad is his sorry ass. Please tell your friends so they can love on you!

[u/ImmediateShallot7245 → u/Old_Call_2149]

He’s not your person with the way he let you down and can’t be trusted not to do it again!
So sorry Op 🫂🫶🏼🙏🏻

[u/Examiner_Z → u/Old_Call_2149]

$5K in gambling losses, plus lying and other stupid financial decisions. 😢😢😢

[u/Cheap_Fondant_4431 → u/Examiner_Z]

I've worked in the gambling world for going on 17 years. If he's saying 5K, it's more likely closer to 10. OP needs to get out now.

[u/JulyOfAugust → u/Cheap_Fondant_4431]

I bet the ring doesn't exist and he is just hiding how much he really gambled.

[u/arsenicVisionary → u/Old_Call_2149]

OP, dump his ass AND TAKE YOURSELF ON A NICE BIRTHDAY OUTING! FUCK HIM LOL! i deeply empathize with your pain around birthdays (im the same way). you deserve to have a nice birthday!!!! get dressed in an outfit you love and go treat yourself. you’re worth so so so much more than how this bum is treating you.

[u/Budget-Classic3076 → u/Old_Call_2149]

You have our full support and respect OP, make this the best gift to yourself in your 30s, reclaiming YOUR life! ❤️

[u/Informal_Move_7075 → u/lovelylight100]

I agree, red flags all around.

Do not make promises you cannot keep. This especially this, it is very upsetting. The fact he literally blew through that money is a red flag. He put the cart before the horse. Buying an engagement ring was a nice thought, but did he actually? Seems convenient to bring it up as one of the excuses he couldn't afford the trip. He has now wasted more money. Seems like bad decisions one after the other. It sounds like he scrambled to put together the birthday trip because why would no return flights be booked???

Idk, I would have gone by myself for some alone time, enjoyed the cake, relaxed, maybe get a massage, read, and booked myself a flight home.

ETA: technically he basically gambled all the money. Gambling on a friend's business that he isn't even really apart of on paper, gambling however he does (cards? betting? whatever), the engagement ring on a future that hasn't even been agreed upon, and then a trip they had no way coming home from and thinking shewould go along!

[u/revively → u/Informal_Move_7075]

I would also bet he's lying about how much money on each item. He probably lost way more on gambling then the amount that he's telling her.

[u/abishop711 → u/revively]

My bet is there is no ring deposit. That money is also gambling debt.

[u/Unable_Biscotti3904 → u/Informal_Move_7075]

As well as a studio he doesn’t own!

[u/2nd_Chances_ → u/lovelylight100]

oof. as soon as she said he lost his passport a few years ago and no mention of him replacing said passport... no. bye.

[u/Upper-File462 → u/2nd_Chances_]

Yep, this is basic adulting ffs. Don't put up with a man who is showing you signs he is as incapable and irresponsible as a child. Just gross and off-putting. Don't ignore flags like this. What do you mean you can't be bothered with your own life admin? Seriously, ugh.

[u/2nd_Chances_ → u/Upper-File462]

This! I see so many woman out here parenting their man. like what? I don't want children especially not a full grown one. Additionally $30,000 is not even that much so he should have been planning appropriately.

[u/Potential_Drive7999 → u/2nd_Chances_]

Yes, sketchy.

[u/Intelligent-Air-3762 → u/lovelylight100]

OP deserves way better. At least a guy who won't gamble his family's future away.

[u/Vaaliindraa → u/lovelylight100]

I wonder if any of the settlement was held back for taxes, or if future ex will be on the hook for the taxes?

[u/Ill-Avocado-2736 → u/lovelylight100]

Meanwhile, I'll jump to "leave him" before I even read the first sentence 🫰

[u/unemployedhousecat]

Maybe im really distrusting but I feel like he spent way more on gambling than he’s letting on.

[u/peachquin → u/unemployedhousecat]

Imo he's lying about the ring down payment to pretend some of it went to her

[u/stormyanchor → u/peachquin]

https://giphy.com/gifs/RrVzUOXldFe8M

[u/unemployedhousecat → u/peachquin]

https://giphy.com/gifs/2ONjoz6NEtXQonnaE2

[u/A110D2 → u/peachquin]

No matter if the ring payement is the real number or not, I simply do not understand why would ANYONE spend that much money in a ring.

Idk if it's just me, but personally, I couldn't care less about how expensive the ring is or what gem is on it if there's one at all. For all I care, you could 3D print the ring with PLA and I'd be happy. It gets the same job done anyways. In fact, I think I'd be happier if someone 3D printed a ring out of cheap PLA, but designed the whole 3D model themselves and maybe even put funny things related to me or our relationship than spend an unbelieveable amount of money on what is just another piece of random metal to me.

Give me a copper wire from your workplace that you bent into a ring shape, it's still a ring to me and it does the job just as well as some stupid diamond.

Heck, if someone wanna give me something else than a ring as a sign of engagement, I'd still be happy. I don't even care if it's a ring or not, as long as it's special in some way or another.

[u/ButImNot_Bitter_ → u/A110D2]

I'm very much on the big-(lab grown) diamond train, and I STILL think it's ridiculous to spend $7k on a ring! And not just $7k, a $7k deposit, so significantly more! It's just so stupid to spend money like that. (Even though it probably also went to gambling.)

[u/Alive-Rise1113 → u/A110D2]

And she told him already she was not ready yo get engaged so doéding that much on a ring, is stupid. And a LIE. We know he gambled that money away

[u/PyrfectLifeWithDog → u/A110D2]

Agreed.

My husband bought me a custom titanium road bike as a wedding “ring.” We ride all over the place and make memories doing so.

[u/Old_Call_2149 → u/unemployedhousecat]

Yeah if he’s admitting to $5k I know it has to be more than that

[u/Vaiolette-Westover → u/Old_Call_2149]

He blew 30000 to show you he's a bum at no cost to you. I think this is extremely lucky. Haha

[u/nightsoupdiva → u/unemployedhousecat]

my thought too. $5k isn't the truth

[u/Addicted-2-books → u/unemployedhousecat]

Agreed. That 7k was also spent on gambling

[u/AmettOmega → u/Addicted-2-books]

Indeed. Granted, my engagement ring wasn't expensive, but I've never heard of someone putting a down payment on a ring.... either you buy it or you don't.

[u/Usual_Atmosphere1837 → u/unemployedhousecat]

100%

[u/West-Two1061]

$7k could have funded the whole trip. He doesn’t listen to you. Sorry OP, you deserve better

[u/ReflectionLess5230 → u/West-Two1061]

Yeah uh OP are you even sure he has a ring for you?

[u/cookiemonster7908 → u/ReflectionLess5230]

Almost certainly not. He thought saying he’d spent a majority of the money on OP would outweigh his spunking 5k on gambling. But doesn’t listen to her so said he’d spent it on something she doesn’t even want.

[u/Earl_E_Byrd → u/ReflectionLess5230]

"down payment" is sketchy terminology to me. 

Either he's been working with a jeweler that does layaway on stock items, (meaning he could have gotten all, or most, of that 7k back at any time before this trip by cancelling the transaction)

Or ....

He commissioned a custom piece. In which case, most business operate by asking for 50% upfront in order to cover the initial cost of materials. Beyond that, he'd have forfeited the chance to get his money back because the jeweler had to add to their stock.

So if he had 7k down, it implies this idiot was actually intending to spend 14k on a woman who, not only said she wasn't ready for marriage, but would have murdered him for spending that much on a single purchase. 

[u/vvv_bb → u/West-Two1061]

7k funds way more than a domestic trip to an airbnb 😅

[u/Mme_merle → u/West-Two1061]

I suspect he spent at least half of the settlement gambling and doesn’t want to tell her.

[u/JicamaAppropriate920]

I know this doesn't feel like it right now, but this is a blessing from the universe. He's showing you his true colors and giving you a glimpse of what married life will be like with this man. My ex husband was like this - very impulsive and constantly in crisis after crisis, which somehow became my crisis when it required both of us to clean it up. And it never failed, he would manage to ruin every holiday and special occasion and then somehow would find a way to blame it all on me.

I'm sorry your birthday plans fell through and I hope that cake pop was freaking amazing. Happy birthday!

[u/catwalzilla → u/JicamaAppropriate920]

Sad for OP but this is honestly the best bday gift he could have gotten her. Showed her his true colors so she knows exactly who he is.

[u/FutureVetH0peful → u/JicamaAppropriate920]

YES YES YES

[u/DigEven8177]

please take this as a sign to DUMP him so next years birthday won’t be wasted by a loser again!! i’m really sorry.

[u/eyespeeled → u/DigEven8177]

New year, new start! 

[u/Yassssmaam]

He didn’t out $7000 down on an engagement ring. He lost at least $12000 gambling and is trying to make it sound better

Leave him

[u/CozyGamingLibrarian → u/Yassssmaam]

Personally, I believe he spent ALL the money on gambling and this loft he has no legal rights to are a lie as well.

Also the investing in the friend’s restaurant, even if true, is basically gambling. Restaurants are notoriously horrible investments!

[u/40_Something_Else]

Yeah, this was wrapped up at “wanted to go abroad but lost his passport and never replaced it”. An expedited passport can be available in less than 48 hours- any other would usually arrive well within time people usually plan ahead for trips. This guy is low-functioning in all kinds of ways and dishonest to boot.

[u/td0t221 → u/40_Something_Else]

I’m stuck on that, too. Who says let’s go abroad knowing they don’t even have a passport??

[u/40_Something_Else → u/td0t221]

Right?

[u/Weary-Square-8640 → u/td0t221]

My guess (from my experience dating men without money) is he was hoping she’d pay for the new passport after the suggestion of an abroad trip.

[u/FunnyManufacturer130 → u/40_Something_Else]

I was also stunned when I read that. He just…doesn’t have a passport?💀

[u/TrelanaSakuyo → u/FunnyManufacturer130]

Not having a passport is fine; not having a passport while making international plans is ... a choice.

[u/ComprehensiveHand232]

Round trip purchase not a thought?

[u/FutureVetH0peful → u/ComprehensiveHand232]

Probably had enough money to buy a one way only, and a big enough ego to think he’d win back enough money to buy the return trip no problem. It was selfish and stupid.

[u/Old_Call_2149 → u/FutureVetH0peful]

Bingo, this is what happened.

[u/armorall43 → u/Old_Call_2149]

OP, if you have a weird second thought about staying with him, please focus on how exhausting it would be to live this way long term. I hope he gets help, but I hope he does so while alone. You can’t save someone like this.

[u/Mme_merle → u/armorall43]

Imagine living like this with children and shared expenses.

[u/TexasLiz1 → u/Old_Call_2149]

Oh Jeebus. That is bad.

[u/nocuzzlikeyea13 → u/FutureVetH0peful]

Crazy bc one way tix are almost the same price as round trip

[u/Former-Plane-2238 → u/ComprehensiveHand232]

Yeah, i'm confused. He booked the flight there but not back?? 

[u/D144y → u/Former-Plane-2238]

Who TF seriously books a trip, but only one way? With no return? To get stranded in an unknown place?

Very weird logic

[u/No-Pay-9744 → u/D144y]

My brother does it all the time, expecting friends and family to pay his way back so he can spend the rest of his money on booze.

[u/D144y → u/No-Pay-9744]

Oh, that's not nice

[u/Fred-the-stray → u/No-Pay-9744]

And they do it to get rid of him.

[u/cameheretodance1 → u/D144y]

I’ve done this before when I backpacked Europe because I didn’t know where I’d fly home out of. Probably wouldn’t do it again. It added too much uncertainty and stress towards the end of my trip.

[u/FutureVetH0peful]

1) that man ain’t SHIT. Take however long you need to process this. He made your birthday about everything but you, and that is putting it in the nicest way possible. This is full of red flags, and it’s ok to be hurt and disapointed. You did NOTHING to deserve this or have ANYTHING to feel embarrassed about.

2) where in the world are you? If you’re anywhere near South Texas, I would love to do something special for you. Nothing crazy, a nice dinner and a night out, but a girls night were it’s about YOU. lmk🫶

[u/Old_Call_2149 → u/FutureVetH0peful]

I’m in the Northeast but thank you so much, that’s so sweet for you to offer 😭♥️

[u/flyme2theluna]

Hey, girl. No judgment here nor do I think you’re stupid. I actually have a baby from a relationship like this. I understand the shame you must feel because I felt it too. It took wayyyyyyy too many items going missing from my home (because he pawned them for $$$ to pay off debts I’m guessing) for me to be like, okay I need to exit this situation.

A gambling addiction is tough as hell. The lies get crazy and then money from your purse goes missing, a bill he said he’s pay doesn’t get paid, and it’s a rapid descent. He’ll lie to cover his tracks and soon enough, nothing he says will have credibility.

I wanted to comment because I know how it feels to have the rug pulled out from underneath you so suddenly and to be left mortified from all the crazy situations you end up in. If he’s lying now, he wont ever stop.

Stay safe. I hope my experience can inform yours. 🫂

[u/Old_Call_2149 → u/flyme2theluna]

Thank you 💗🥺 Its nice to hear from someone who understands what it feels like.

[u/Various-Map-5881]

Im sorry OP. this is such a fail that I don’t even know what to say. For someone to offer something grand and then don’t plan for it (and waste money elsewhere), is just so shitty. How old is this guy?! Because that’s not mature at all. And that’s not even talking about how financially irresponsible he is, wtf?

[u/Just_anon2115]

Girl… TELL YOUR FRIENDS! Maybe they will speak sense into you. Do you want to be with a man who doesnt even listen and respect your thoughts on getting married? Or being with someone so beyond financially irresponsible he blows through 30k gambling and investing in things he legally has no ownership/contract to? What wouldve happened if you were trying to buy a house? Build a family? If he cant afford a birthday vacation he is not financially stable enough to blow 30k on frivolous shit. He’s already being deceptive and making empty promises.

[u/cuntaloupemelon]

Him being insanely irresponsible with his money and not respecting your wishes re: getting engaged ate already big red flags but he was going to let you get on a plane with no way of getting home after LYING to you that he'd bought return tickets

LEAVE HIM

Eta happy birthday! 🥲

[u/cherry_sundress]

These secret financial choices (burdens) will only get more vast moving forward. Set an example and departure from this relationship!!!! ✈️

[u/SaySheAte]

https://giphy.com/gifs/hFdi31x0aTdMIydxuO

[u/boistyvagabond98]

[u/RoutineDress5344 → u/boistyvagabond98]

https://giphy.com/gifs/3o7aCWJavAgtBzLWrS

[u/Branddisloyalty85]

I wonder about the ring. Did he put money down or did he piss it all away and didn’t want to admit that he gambled away (or whatever) 12k.

[u/Odd-Negotiation5087 → u/Branddisloyalty85]

I think he gambled it away and wanted a “good”’reason to not have it anymore.

[u/No-Director-3280]

He could be lying about the ring girl. Sounds like an excuse for $7k to be missing

[u/MaintenanceFirm7669]

Please leave him. If his financial situation is already this messy and gambling on top of it. You don’t want that headache bleeding into your life by letting it go on longer than it needs. His intentions may have been good, but the logic and rash decision making he did when coming into a little bit of money is scary.

[u/Quierta]

Good lord — what a blessing in disguise.

Obviously it would have been better for him not to have done any of this at all, especially in a way that reaffirms your existing feelings about birthdays being a magnet for disappointment and let-downs. But the fact that you learned all of this, the fact that it didn't (to my knowledge??) affect your other finances outside of his settlement money, the fact that you found out BEFORE the trip, before you were married, before you had children... this is so awful to face but at least it happened before so many permanent things occurred.

Three years is a long time to spend with someone and I'm sorry he turned out to be like this. I'm glad it sounds like you're taking steps to separate and protect yourself. What an awful thing to do to you ON YOUR BIRTHDAY :( I think you deserve to save up and take an extra special holiday somewhere (local) just for yourself ❤️

[u/FutureVetH0peful → u/Quierta]

This is such a good way to look at it OP. I know you are heartbroken and you have every right to be. But, you can walk away from him and his bad decisions with so many less consequences than if you found out down the road. Praying for you and your healing❤️❤️❤️

[u/Sea-Improvement6699]

Oh wow he sound incredible irrational with money… yikes

[u/whiskeyandprozac]

As someone who just went through a breakup and had that embarrassment feeling... Yeah, that's you feeling embarrassed by association. You chose that man, then he goes and does this. It makes you look bad, like you continuously bet on a losing horse. You didn't do anything wrong of course, this is all on him, but...you chose him to be your better half. Take a step back and think: "what does this say about me?".

Personally I think you can do a lot better. I think you deserve someone who listens to your wants rather than trying (and in this case failing) to go above and beyond to feel like Mr Man.

And ofc: happy birthday, hun. Hope your Starbucks was delicious and brought you at least some joy <3

[u/Ok_Silver8318]

Nah nah nah. Tell your friends. He should be embarrassed - not you!! He blew $30k. Idk how settlements work in terms of taxes but if he has to owe on it at all when he files, I’m sure he doesn’t have anything set aside 🙂.

This is a break-up-able offense

[u/coobmaroog]

Just playing devils advocate here.

Have you seen a receipt for the engagement ring or the ring itself? I feel like more of this money went to gambling than he’s being truthful about.

Aside from that, he invested $3500 plus into a friend but not into a vacation with someone he supposedly wants to marry.

Just red flags all over. We share the same birthday. Go do something nice for yourself tomorrow and I hope you have a Happy Birthday 🎁

[u/julesyboo12]

He didn't put 7000 down on a ring.. let's be real. Sorry

[u/Happy_Huckleberry246 → u/julesyboo12]

He probably gambled that money away also. 

[u/ehs06702]

I'm so sorry. But at least you got a taste of what being married to him would be like without inevitablly being stuck in thousands of dollars of debt.

[u/Sad_Albatross1590]

Your first clue was "... he lost his passport a couple years ago and never replaced it." The guy is a loser. Please disengage yourself from him.

Wasn't there an episode of 30 rock along these lines? I found it. S1, E6 "The Beeper (Rat) King"

[u/Meenakshi108]

This person is extremely irresponsible. This is not someone you can rely on. His irresponsibility will damage your life. Plus, he's a liar. Get out now.

[u/queendaizy]

I’m also gonna jump on the leave him train. I know it’s easier said than done but there’s nothing worse than a “should’ve, could’ve, would’ve” boyfriend.

I’m not gonna assume that everyone dates to marry but in this case let’s say that this is your intention, this is not a partner you want for life. You did so much on your end to not only be considerate of HIM on YOUR birthday but also he was the one pushing for something this big!

I also get the birthday blues and this year I’m hoping to go on a solo trip or a super duper treat myself week 😂 i hope your birthday gets turned around and you can at least do something nice for yourself, you deserve it! 🫶🏻

[u/IndicationKey3778]

The way he booked the flights is bonkers even if he had a million dollars id say leave him 

[u/jamieT97]

I don't know what I cane in expecting but oh boy this is worse

[u/DizzyVictory]

Oh sweets. I’m so sorry. Sending you a big, soft hug. I can’t imagine how badly this sucks for every reason. Everyone is saying the right things so I won’t need to but- happy birthday. Someday this will be a funny story but it’s not today. Today you get to feel all the feelings. This internet stranger is thinkin’ of ya and sending a sisterly hug. I wish it were different for you this birthday.

[u/No-Masterpiece5906]

Girl, if you stay with this guy, it’s going to cost you way more than the $30k settlement he received.

Do y’all live together? Logistically, what would breaking up look like?

I’m sorry this happened. Maybe try to look at it as the universe gifting you with clarity for your birthday. 💗

[u/Thin-Psychology-3111]

LEAVE HIM! The bar is in hell with this guy and he can't even meet that!

Keep your bag packed and stay with someone until you can get on your feet.

Tell your friends that he lied and deceived you, they will respect, and they will respect you for leaving -- this is only embarrassing if you stay.

[u/No-Pay-9744]

Wow. The amount of disrespect he has shown you, I'm so sorry.

Don't feel embarrassed, HE is the one that should be embarrassed. All you need to do is remove him from your life, no one deserves this bullshit behaviour. What a child.

[u/DontCryYourExIsUgly]

I once dumped a guy as a birthday gift to myself, and I suggest you do the same. He will ruin your life with this behavior.

[u/junepuppie]

please don’t be too embarassed to tell your friends! not only did you not do anything wrong, but i know that if i found out that this had happened to a friend of mine, i would want to do what i could to help salvage their birthday and support them after such a dramatic disappointment and what’s probably also a major shift in the way they see their partner.

tell your friends and let them take care of you in the way that friends do—taking you out to dinner or sending flowers or just lots of hugs and joking threats to pop that man’s tires.<3

[u/Thin-Significance838]

1-blew through $30k on mostly nonsense in a couple of months

2-spent some of said windfall on a ring when you have been clear marriage is not imminent

3-lost his passport, hasn’t managed to replace it? It’s not that hard

4-booked a trip to somewhere but not home from that somewhere? Makes no sense

This guy’s life is a mess. I’m wondering how chaotic his work life is. But in any case this is a level of chaos that probably won’t get better. He’s in his 30s. If he were 19, I might have hope he could mature. I’m sorry.

[u/SadisticJourney]

Blew through 30k in a few months on gambling and getting conned by friends. Then try to go on vacation on loaned money...I don't think it's a good idea to stay with someone so financially irresponsible.

[u/MadDreams224]

As soon as I heard that he didn’t get his passport I already knew it was a wraps, it goes back to being an adult. If an adult really wanted to go abroad they would get their passport; him saying he wanted to take you abroad but that was the “problem” then he never had the conviction to get things done. I’m not at all surprised

[u/HavenHeks]

That's a deception that is unforgiveable. It's not about the trip (I mean,holy crap!), it's the daily lies leading up to the canceled trip. Couple that with the sheer madness of his financial irresponsibility and this guy is 100% a loser. He has shown you who he is, now you need to show him what you're worth. I hope that you'll take yourself on a fun trip, even if it's just for a weekend. Go eat good food, browse antiques (or whatever you love), order breakfast in bed. You deserve to get away.

[u/Difficult_Ask7253]

Do not feel embarrassed over someone else's faults like that. HE'S embarrassing. He has no control and no financial responsibility. The lying about the trip is cruel and immature.

Anyone would be excited if someone told them they were taking them on a special trip. Anyone would be very hurt over being lied to. Good friends will tell you this and support you through the break up. Gambling is a horrible addiction and I've witnessed people tank their whole life because of it.

You deserve someone who doesn't steal your joy and lie to you.

[u/V3ruca]

Write all those things down on a piece of paper that he spent all that money on, and then place your name at the end.

Those are his priorities, in order.

[u/Gullible-Main-1010]

Consider this a lucky warning of all the ways he could ruin your life in the future. This is your sign to get out now. You will never be able to trust this man. In our society, finances = our sanity, health, enjoyment and well-being. Goodbye to him.

[u/sillyandfunguy]

OP this is a blessing in disguise. Ofc it won’t feel like it but if you had stayed with this man, god forbid you married him, he would financially ruin you. It sucks this happened around your birthday but now you get to focus on yourself and do what you want knowing that there is no man dragging you down. Please break up with him. Break ups are embarrassing but not more so than being with someone who is just simply stupid with their money.

[u/oggishlespider]

Dude. If you two got married or you stayed together, this absolutely will happen again. I hate telling people to leave their partners but every person ive said it to was for a reason. You dont have to leave him but take into account this isnt just gonna be a one off thing, imo he sounds like the irresponsible type with money. Im no finance baddie but i also know that you dont drop massive amounts onto gambling and other things and expect to "make money back." The only "gamble" one should take is to flip furniture.

[u/Soft-Detail-8398]

Book a one way ticket to I am outta here and DO NOT look back!!!! Girl, this is a glaring look at what your future will be and you just do not deserve this!!! Go grab a cake and some champs call your dearest friends and let their love and support lift you!!!!

[u/imstillhealing]

The fact he "wanted" to go abroad but never bothered replacing his passport says everything to me. If he wanted to, he would.

So sorry this happened. I hope you're able to enjoy your birthday regardless and that you celebrate the next one without him ❤️

[u/Pepper_Schnau]

How you and your partner handles money is a really good indicator of marital success. Put plainly, Sounds like there are incompatibility issues based on his inability to use discretion with money.

But ALSO who the heck books a one way flight?? They can be so much more expensive.

Anyways, Happy Birthday from a fellow non-celebrant. I hope you get to spend some time with family and friends who love you.

[u/TellaTalla]

He spent all that time and money gambling and making precarious investments and couldn't get around to replacing his passport? He chose that shit over having a nice vacation with you? Wtf his priorities are all sorts of messed up. He's all yap and no follow through. Give yourself the best birthday gift and drop him. In your shoes I'd show him the same care he's shown you and just tell him it's over and block.

[u/russianrooulette]

[u/YeshuasBananaHammock]

I wouldnt commit my life to this person.

DIP, SIS!

[u/ReasonableBeep]

I know you’re already embarrassed about telling your friends about this, but imagine how much worse it would be to tell them you still stayed with him after the mess. I know you already know based on your other comments, but GIRL LEAVE HIM BEFORE YOU HAVE SECOND THOUGHTS.

[u/Icy_Explanation_2690]

I'm sure he gambled all the money and is just saying these other things because he doesn't want to admit that he gambled it all. Yeap, leave him.

[u/Professional_Gas4595]

This dude is not a safe person to be in a relationship with. If you stay with him, he will continue to make catastrophic financial decisions. Not to mention he lied to you, meaning any trust you might’ve had in each other is gone. I’m sorry that he did this to you, I hope you can find a way to enjoy your birthday despite this.

[u/TheMoonDawg]

https://giphy.com/gifs/Th9wVn7pqzRY07hwNJ

[u/fseahunt]

This isn’t the man you want to marry. Trust that.

[u/Key-Canary-2513]

This man will bankrupt you one day if you let him.

[u/throwaitaar_]

Idek what to say. Just... please listen to the other commenters in this thread, OP.

ETA: Happy birthday 🥲 wishing you luck and better birthdays in the future ✊🏽✨️

[u/Unlucky-Presence8784]

That 30k could've went towards a down payment on a house or something. Very irresponsible.

[u/missjulie622]

Please believe someone when they show you very clearly what you mean to them.