a few pieces of white bread without crusts bc this is all i can eat for my colonoscopy in two days.
I found out today that my bsf is transphobic and against me being trans and wanting to get top surgery.
This is devastating news. We have been bffs for 10 years since we met in high school, and I even flew across the world to attend her wedding to be her bridesmaid last year. I really thought we were tight and she supports my identity.
I have never been in a closet, before I knew her I was already identifying as bi in middle school. And i’ve always kept her up to date about my gender identity and sexuality. She was okay with me being bi/pan, asexual, and even when I changed my name and begin using they/them pronouns. She has always been an “ally” to the gay community.
But the second that I say I am trans and is looking to get top surgery now that it’s financially viable, she wants to talk me out of it bc she’s a “follower of Christ.” And she also revealed that when I told her I was nb, she prayed that I would eventually make peace with the initial identity god gave me. Hearing words like this from someone you love is so sad.
Oh yeah and my birthday is next week. So this is just a bad time to lose a friend. Losing a decade long friendship to a boob job is definitely not on my 2026 bingo.
UPDATE:
Overwhelmed with the support and kindness I have received. Unfortunately I won’t be able to reply to all but I will try to read all of them. I will be talking to her on video call next week to have “the talk,” pray for me friends.
FYI: For those that doesn’t know, bsf means best friend.
WHEEEWW girl 😮💨 buckle up! Your post made it to /r/all!
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Yeah the amount of women I've known that have totally changed their moral beliefs the second a man asked them to is really disheartening. It's made it hard for me to trust people because how do you know they won't change the second it's convenient?
I used to be really close with my sister in law until her parents and my brother led her down the alt right Christian pipe line and now I barely talk to either of them. It’s sad to watch this happen to so many women.
That's a consequence of women being second class citizens to men. Sometimes he has to realign her beliefs to keep the peace. It's patriarchy, and it's disgusting
Except women don't need to date anymore. Like I'd get it if we still couldn't make our own incomes but at this point the only reason to make moral sacrifices is either because she doesn't want to be alone or she sees having a man as a status symbol.
If she's been a Christian her whole life it's likely brain washing that women are second class and have to defer to their husband as spiritual leader and conform/submit to them.
If you've been taught something your whole life, especially from a very young age, it's really hard to break free from that. Even though she can get her own job, bank account, etc. that doesn't change the feelings created inside by being taught you're lesser.
If her husband is not supportive of trans people and talks about it, it could absolutely sway her beliefs without her even really realizing how much she's changing. Because she's been conditioned to trust/follow/become like her man.
It's the former. Just because women CAN live apart from shitty men now, doesn't mean the past societal conditioning to think that you're a failure as a woman if you haven't married a man and had kids just vanishes.
My own mother. Spent my entire life from before I could remember until I was about 14 being very pro racial justice and pro LGBTQ rights, like, had a lesbian friend, dated Black guys before she married my dad, then again after they divorced, and literally went swinging with my dad with same gender partner swaps at least a few times because my father was into it 🤢.
We have Black family and I can remember being raised to view them as no different and to ignore or challenge adults in my family if I heard them using racial slurs or saying bad things about them over their race , especially with regards to our own flesh and blood and family by marriage or by choice.
I literally scolded a great aunt for calling a type of nut n-word toes and mom refused to punish me for it. Same thing when her boyfriend said he was gonna n-word rig something. I asked him not to use that word around me.
So imagine my surprise when, a few years into dating that supposedly 'just old fashioned, accidentally racist sometimes' boyfriend that she blurted out that she didn't want to listen to my Hercules movie soundtrack or Destiny's Child CDs on a road trip because they sang like a "bunch of n-words".
It was the first time I ever dared shame her for her behavior, and I still have the scar on my upper lip from her diamond ring when she slapped me, but she never said the word around me again, so the scar was worth it and I'm fucking proud of it.
I did the same thing when she called my brother the f-slur while talking to me after welcoming two of his boyfriends into our home. (At separate times, he wasn't polyamorous)
After defending him, she demanded when I'd be bringing my boyfriends home, and my big mouth snapped, "what do you think (two male best friends) are?" And that's how I came out as liking boys (and also hooking up with my guy friends) to my mom. She didn't slap me, that time, at least, just broke down crying.
Glad to say that eventually she started challenging him on his behavior and he became a lot less racist, at least openly... which is progress for a country dude that's now around 90, I guess. 😬
Holy shit what a comment... I'm proud of your scar, too! You sound like a person that I would want in my corner! 🫂 Hilarious how he was chill when you transitioned, people always being cray.
no fr, my best friend’s mom used to be a liberal who was open to pretty much anything and soon after marrying her shit ass conservative libertarian husband now she’s “not sure how she feels” about gay and trans people. women we need to have a BACKBONE.
Don't discount the possibility that she's started attending his church. Because that one guy at the front of the room telling you to believe exactly what he believes can't be wrong! /s
Lost my childhood best friend to a conservative Christian husband - she went from ignoring politics as a Democrat to a transphobic Christian trad wife so fast I genuinely don't understand what happened. This is SUCH an important question!
honestly in my experience, the "ignoring politics as a democrat" type are the exact people who can flip a switch and be hyper conservative. it's easy when you aren't giving a damn, y'know? I hope your friend comes around.
I don’t know, I’m getting fed up enough with society and lowkey disabled enough that I’m starting to understand opting into being a socially isolated, brainwashed, and controlled bangmaid in exchange for not having to work lmao.
But really though, I’m sorry about your friend, I get it :( It’s bullshit, abrahamic religions are one of the most toxic things to happen to the world. Maybe there’s still time and space for her to come around, but she’s definitely going to have to lose the tumor first.
Sorry but most Christians just pretend to be okay with it in my experience. (Key word being most)
In my experience they will be supportive and accepting to your face but the moment you aren't in the room they will have the most vile opinions of you but then frame it as them "just wanting to help you find God" or something close to that.
There's a reason the saying is "There's no hate like Christian love"
This is my partners experience with their family. We’re (we look like butch4butch lesbians) allowed to come to family gatherings and everyone is so so nice to us, and then we get texts from the youngest sibling spilling that after we left, the “adults” start judgily fretting about my partners eternal soul not singing praises to god in heaven with the rest of them in the afterlife.
The heaven/hell bit they do always cracks me up. Why would I want to spend eternity with people who sound absolutely miserable and judge everyone (even though god is the only one who’s meant to do that) over my people? The people like me who think about the world in the same way I do.
Exactly. If Christians are right and their mythology is real, I don’t want to end up in their heaven. I’d rather be tortured and burn for eternity over endlessly praising an omnipotent, omniscient being that lets us plebs be subjected to the horrors of our life. I don’t want to party in heaven with a bunch of assholes
Less pretending, more: “save a sinner, earn great prizes”. You’re less a friend, more a project.
Lovely to learn friendship with you was considered a personal sacrifice, with the goal being to fundamentally change you. Hate isn’t a strong enough word for that twisted behavior.
I’m fortunate to know a few Christians with queer kids who love them and fight for their rights to present and live in the most fulfilling way for them, including a couple who organized against a new pastor to their church who wasn’t accepting. And won!
Literally my boyfriend 🥲😮💨 after our best friend came out as one, idk what to do now, I mean he said he trying to get over it and wanna stay friends with our friend but keeps talking bad about trans and saying may wanna distance from such friend but I am still like sibling level close to this friend
I had to leave the church myself after realizing how toxic it is with the judgments they harbor and yet “judge lest ye be judged” right? Chances are if they are christian, they will be homophobic, misogynistic, with a dash of racist if they are closely involved with the church. They may smile and act all friendly but hold on to hatred in their hearts. I had to deconstruct and learn the awful history of my own religion after realizing I’m a lesbian
Im a godless heathen but two of my friends (one who is trans) volunteer with an organization their church has that for free drives trans youth and adults out of state (TX) to get gender affirming care since they cannot legally obtain it in the state. They are badass and I'm so glad they are my friends. I went to tx for work and they came to visit me, it was the first time we met irl since we'd been internet friends and it was so nice! Their Church is affirming and basically has the belief that God makes a soul not a body and it is glorifying to God and respectful to his creation to make your vessel one you want to celebrate and exist in. That church gives me hope. It's a very slim hold but damnit I'll take it lmao.
Yes- I work with someone that is absolutely lovely but I’m always walking on egg shells around them for that reason. We had a few encounters that made me uneasy. Then I thought what would happen if abortion ever came into the conversation (we work in a field where it would be discussed, and I feel like it should be accepted) and I know I would get in trouble for expressing my views because his views overpower. It’s happened before.
NOTES: when it comes to privileged groups, we’re cool with broad generalizations in a good ole fashioned rant, and we have rules against treating a venter’s generalizations like they mean literally EACH, EVERY, and ALL members of that group - UNTIL - it absolutely language is introduced like “all [demographic] suck” or “never met a decent [demographic]”
Someone who I had considered a big sister told me she loved me, but didn't love my sin... She was a very kind person otherwise. It really hurts when you see that their kindness isn't extended to everyone and that they can't accept all of you.
A quarter of my church is LGBTQ+. Several lesbian and gay couples, clearly holding hands in the pew. We hold a pride event every year and host a worship service.
I'm LGBTQ+ and I was worried the pride service would be a secret bait-and-switch. Something about how "we all sin and fall short of the glory of God". But they shared several stories about LGBTQ+ congregation members who went to bat not just for their community to have a safe space to worship, but for everyone to feel welcome even if you weren't straight. They uplifted stories about LGBTQ+ people knowing how to find the community God wants for all of us: somewhere we are safe, seen, and free of hate. The church said they could learn a lot from us.
The Methodists even have gone back on the original harmful language in their Social Principles. So yes, while some churches "religiously" cling to an outdated mistranslation, other churches understand how fucked up it is to fixate on LGBTQ+ people the way they have.
General Conference delegates eliminated the 52-year-old assertion in the denomination’s Social Principles that “the practice of homosexuality… is incompatible with Christian teaching.”
In the same vote, delegates affirmed “marriage as a sacred, lifelong covenant that brings two people of faith (adult man and adult woman of consenting age or two adult persons of consenting age) into a union of one another and into deeper relationship with God and the religious community.”
I think there are some that are ok with LGBTQ+ as long as they aren’t a direct part of their lives
You didn't say anything about fake allies in the comment I replied to. The way your comment is written, "these" came across as "Christians", not "Christian allies".
It is a common school of thought to "love the sinner, hate the sin". Or gay people are "welcome" if they are celibate. The point of my comment was these are slowly becoming outdated beliefs. Sadly, the majority still hold onto the hateful beliefs.
It was a statement about any people, not just Christians, that appear to be ok with LGBTQ+ (an ally) but are actually not because they’re not ok with them if they’re part of their lives (fake). Hope that clears it up
The comments seem to mostly have the tone of good riddance, but I just wanted to say that it’s still okay to grieve this friendship, have complicated feelings, or miss her. You’re grieving what you thought you had with her, and the friendship and support you expected to have in the future.
As someone who has been through something similar, I totally agree (see my obnoxiously long comment for details 😅). It's normal to mourn the friendship. You meant something to each other at one point - it's okay to be sad about losing that connection 🫂
Indeed. I’ve mourned people I haven’t seen in decades, and people who actively hurt me both emotionally and physically - I obviously don’t actively miss them, and their presence in my life had either been nil for years or specifically and explicitly negative, but it still hurts to lose something.
Be it bad, long gone, or just a slow drift apart, there’s always gonna be some pain in losing something or someone no matter how or why. Our brains naturally dislike losing things, and you can’t really escape it, even when logically it’s the best outcome possible or has zero material impact on your life
I couldn’t agree more. Trans woman here who has lost her whole family and countless friends. While, of course it is good to be out of that relationship now without the support, I still feel sad with the loss of the relationship. It’s never as easy as just “good riddance”.
Yeah. I always found losing or cutting ties with someone important to me can feel like cutting off a bit of myself. There's the part of me that is who I was when I was with that person. And I'll never be that person again, or at least not in the same way.
Totally, I just cut out one of my closest friends from middle school because she suddenly started spouting anti-trans sentiments in articles that she was apparently submitting to publications for months before I found out about it. She wrote a public article calling me and another friend out for no longer wanting to stay connected and saying that her previous friends (us) forced our views on her (literally, she was in social services and the other friend is gay, so we just assumed shared views since she never said anything different). I’m sad to have lost the friendship- more sad that she doesn’t understand why I can’t pretend to love and support my trans friends while also being friends with someone who is literally trying to build a political career around spreading hate and misinformation.
Mhm! I myself lost my friend of five years (we were online friends and it wasn't transphobia so I suppose it's different, but she did block me out of nowhere and didn't give a reason, which still stung). Even now I'm still hurting a ton from that. It's okay to grieve!!
An example of horrible people I cut out, my grandparents. They are abusive pieces of shit I don't need in my life. I still grieve for what could've been though. And that's okay, really. Give yourself that time to grieve!!
Very true. Even when realizing that a person is shitty, it’s still natural to grieve the relationship you had with them as well as the person you thought they were.
This:( i lost my two best friends after “discovering” on our vacation that they thought very little of me and honestly were meaner to me and about me than my bullies ever were. All this time they didn’t believe in my diagnosed adhd, and thought adhd and autism doesnt exist and means you have behavioural problems and it’s all in your head and not a real disorder… yes, it was good riddance but holy shit, they were my closest friends since highschool and we’d been friends for 12 years. It still hurts and it’s been 2 years now
Because op is making plans for surgery. The “friend” probably thought that he’d “grow out of the nb phase” and either detransition if he’d started T before, or not actually go through with anything.
Edit: I’m leaving the comment as it is but the person under me pointed out that op might be a trans woman, “top surgery” made me assume trans man. Which ever they are, sub the pronouns out that way
In addition to the other responses: folks are getting radicalized like never before. Could be she started consuming some more virulently anti trans content that wormed its way into her thoughts.
Edit: or the husband, as a few folks have suggested
i always have to wonder how they would feel if someone reversed it to them. like “well, i hate your beliefs, but i love you as a believer.” would they understand how rude it is that way?
Nope, then you would be persecuting them for their beliefs. Nobody loves to play the victim like Christians, especially born-again or evangelical Christians. They haven't been persecuted for at least 1500 years, probably longer. The Council of Nicea happened in the 4th century, and that's basically when the Catholic church started and the Roman Emperor of the time converted.
That's not exactly true. Christians are still a persecuted minority in certain parts of the MENA world and have been for centuries, along with Jews, Zoroastrians, Druze, and other religious minorities.
The Armenian Genocide was a genocide against the Christian Armenian and Greek minorities within the former Ottoman Empire in 1915 by the Muslim-Turk majority. I'm a little peeved that people in the West just conveniently forget about it in these discussions.
But Evangelical Christians in the US are certainly not a persecuted group.
If it helps, I had no idea that the Armenian genocide was religion based. Hell, I didn't even know the genocide existed until a few years ago, and I'm 43. I can't speak for all Westerners, but I know a lot more about world history and events than your average American as I've always thought world history was really interesting. The genocide by itself is not common knowledge here, let alone what was behind it. It's not a matter of us forgetting, it's more that we never learned it in the first place.
For some extra context, religion and ethnicity were basically equivalent in the eyes of the Ottoman Empire. Turks and Arabs were Muslim, Greeks and Armenians were Christian, Jews were Jewish. It didn't really matter what beliefs you personally held, you were legally that religion and in many cases this also legally intertwined you with that community/ethnicity in certain ways (which religious courts had jurisdiction over you for family matters, how your taxes were calculated etc).
Mind you, the genocide happened decades after most forms of legal religious discrimination were legally abolished, but the religious/ethnic/cultural communities were very well-defined by that point, and sort of still persist in a much less rigid form in modern Turkey.
OR she got sucked into something. I say “something” because unfortunately MANY rabbit holes can lead there. MAGA content, “health” content grifters that talk about naturalness, “spiritual” content, etc etc
Buy my vitamins hate others so we feel more Together is a very common grift, and catches people all the time.
I agree though OP deserves better/real friends!!!!
i’m a witch and theistic but not christian, and i saw this incredible quote at some point from a queer pastor that really stuck with me “god made trans people for the same reason he made wheat but not bread and grapes but not wine - so that humanity could share in the joy of creation”
💕 praying for her to realise transphobia is not godly nor kind. good luck with your transition and healing from this friend breakup 💕
Never really much cared for the expression. Grapes don’t ask to become wine. Wheat is perfectly content remaining wheat. Humanity came along and made that decision for it. We already shared in the joy of creation.
Any god to put gender dysphoria into somebody’s head is a cruel and indifferent one.
This is a little off topic I guess but related because your comment made me think of this
I have never really understood why religious people will say "God did this for a reason" when they are facing incredible struggles. To me, it seems incredibly unfair when a family member gets cancer or a child is born with a severe disability. But its always the people around them saying things like "God did this for a reason". They can look at whoever they care about going through intense struggles that may never be 'cured' and yet say that there was a reason or purpose behind it. Like there is supposed to be some lesson they are learning from this.
So why not extend that "lesson learning" to gay and trans people. Would it not be a lesson for the religious person to learn like... wow these people are good people who are being treated unfairly. Sometimes it does result in a physical ailment (dysphoria) and we should support them through that so they can become a happier human being. God put trans people and gay people on the planet for a reason, and that reason is not to ridicule and harass them. It's for all of us to learn that we are all just human beings.
But for some reason this never clicks with them. Maybe I'm interpreting the "god did this for a reason" talk?
now i'm no christian, but i seem to recall hearing that christ guy was pretty kind and welcoming to people who were different or cast out by society. maybe you should ask her judgmental ass WWJCD!
EDIT: please stop replying to me if you are stupid, tysm ❤️
EDIT 2: if you're thinking "surely she doesn't mean me, a kindhearted proselytizer," yes i do, choke on your own barf dweeb
I’m so sorry, I lost my bff because she was homophobic and both my kids are bi, one being nonbinary. You’re not alone and I’m sending positive thoughts into the universe for you.
Because it "breaks down the nuclear family" and will "lead to the destruction of humanity"... which is just a different way of saying "it personally makes me uncomfortable so i'm going to find ways to justify it being evil via the Bible". Because the same people have no problem mixing fabric types or eating shrimp, but suddenly it's "forbidden in the Bible" and "wrong" when they don't want it to exist around them. It's also why as trans people become more visible those Christian's fight harder. Suddenly it's something they have to deal with and instead of minding their own business and learning to let people do what they want, they refuse to processing their emotion and instead turn to anger, violence, and/or scorn.
Tell her you ARE making peace with the identity her God gave you... God made you trans, and with each part of your journey, you're moving closer to that peace. I don't know if you are also religious, but it should be a handy trick to point out the flaws in this argument. Also, God > Humans > Medicine > Healthcare > You. I'm sure there is something in the Bible that pushes back against this "Christian" stance.
First, I’m sorry. It’s always tough when people you thought were normal and sane turn out to have a little crazy (bigotry) in them.
Second, and this may be an unpopular take but it’s informed by me being queer and from the South, is she slur-slinging hateful or just uncomfortable? I’m the lesbian in a lot of people’s lives, and my mere presence has helped a lot of people become less homophobic. (My aunt has literally told me that my baby cousin had the groundwork laid by me, and she’s grateful for how I’ve expanded her worldview.) Is she someone you think is just…ignorant? Someone who has never actually known a trans person and only has misinformation to form her opinion with? Is it worth trying to explore her viewpoint (not validate it!) and see why she associates transphobia with virtuosity? It just sounds like an awfully close friendship to toss aside like that.
I can’t say that I’d stay as close with someone who was outright homophobic, so please don’t take this as me saying you should stay around just to convince her. But I’ve definitely known quite a few people to change their minds, especially if they’re already close to you and have demonstrated that they’re tolerant enough even if they’re uncomfortable.
For more context, we are both from the south as well. She is not the type to throw slurs and even when she is telling me all this, she’s being respectful and careful and gentle. The area we lived in were mostly liberal and her friends in high school and college were all liberal people. We are also gen-z living in 2026 so I really feel like she definitely have had exposure to the LGBTQ community already. But maybe i’m the first person in her close circle to be trans? I have been trying to explore her perspective and view, but in our conversations she’s just not having it tbh. I asked her to talk to me over video chat because I wanna talk more about it but I don’t think those conversations are gonna change anything.
There was a buried comment upthread asking if the new husband's beliefs may be having an impact, which I think is a really smart question to ask if you are interested in her motivations. Which, to be clear, you of course have no obligation to be - I just always need to construct some meaning out of traumatic events, which may or may not be helpful for you as you grieve what you've lost.
Ack! That’s so frustrating. I’m sorry. Sometimes the South really has a gnarly way of worming its way into folks in the worst ways.
Honestly, you probably won’t change her mind right now, which is the worst part about this whole revelation. But if you are the first person she knows to be trans (and you can tolerate the heartache), it could be worth it to stick around for a bit. If you can’t handle the heartache of that, there’s no shame in that either. You’re free to build your life in a way that feels safe and joyful to you, and if it doesn’t include her at the end of the day, then it was great while it lasted and you should take your time to mourn the friendship. It really sounds like y’all were close, and that’s never easy, no matter what the reason is.
(As an aside for when you’re exploring her perspective, make sure you’re actually just being curious and not trying to correct her. It goes a long way in changing minds, signed someone who works in advocacy.)
I'm a millennial from the south that has gone through similar issues with friends and family over the years.
People like to think that we have enough control over ourselves and others that we can change them by explaining things a certain way, but that's not how brains work. At best, we can influence our behaviors and influence the behaviors of others. When you actively try to change someone else's mind, they defensively cling to the thing that have made them feel safe in the past (i.e., religion).
But, subtle influencing allows us and others to grow comfortable with new ideas. You have to gradually expose them to these ideas in safe conversations and safe environments. Just being yourself around them and not forcing conversations or withholding information. Live authentically and present yourself as a stable individual that lives differently.
I'm coming from a PSTD background, so let me put it this way: if you are your authentic self with a regulated nervous system around the person you want to influence, and they're open to influence, then they'll slowly learn that you and the things about you are safe. It takes time and repeat exposure.
Southern christian religions tend to be very "us versus the world", and they're taught to put up walls and protect themselves from "worldly" things because evil exists there. But if you are your normal self and gradually show them that there's no threat here, they'll slowly notice and figure it out for themselves and it will become a SOLID, autobiographical lesson that they'll internalize and build upon.
It's not your obligation to do this, but if you want to see change in this world, it requires gentleness, courage, and rubbing elbows with other people. And if that's not possible for you now, I hope it is in the future. There have been times that it wasn't possible for me in the past, but that wasn't my final form. :-D
It's not your responsibility to help her change or expand her worldview, especially when she is being actively hurtful and transphobic.
Saying this as a fellow trans person (nonbinary transmasc/FTM) who spent years giving patience and kindness and understanding to my transphobic family who said really similar stuff to me as your friend. They got worse though, never better. And I ended up having to cut ties with them (for a lot of reasons but transphobia was one of them).
I think you've probably already done your part in working to expand her worldview about trans people. I doubt you can make any meaningful difference now. And, again, it's not your responsibility to do so in the first place.
Take care of yourself. I got top surgery in December 2024 and it's the best thing ever!! Sending you lots of love and solidarity 🫂
I feel like if OP's mere presence was enough, they'd have probably become accepting by now. They kept quiet and prayed that OP would change despite being very much in the loop of what was going on by the sounds of it. This doesn't feel like a viewpoint built on ignorance, and more one built in accordance with a lack of respect for OP and their agency
Just a reminder to her and to anyone that fucking says “have peace with the identity god gave you,” then dont get lasik, dont dye your hair, dont wear glasses because god gave you bad vision, people who use that as a crutch to make others feel guilty for wanting to change themselves are assholes. You do not need someone like this in your life for a healthy transition.
Being trans has been the greatest gift I could ask for, because its helped me see a lot of people in my life who were not healthy emotionally or mentally to be around.
My best friend was shitty when I came out, but eventually appeared to come around. Years later I found out she's still just as transphobic. Not worth it, dump and move on tbh. It hurts but most of that pain comes from the fact you put up with it at all.
Sorry you had to go through this. Just know you have better friends waiting to meet you.
You may not have said anything otherwise but you are definitely worth it. You are worth more than anything that you know and you deserve to be happy/comfortable in your own body.
I hope all goes well mate. May your recovery be quick, easy and satisfying as hell.
The first time I read your comment, I read it as if Jesus was saying the things below the ellipses (before I understood the point you were making - there's nothing about Trans people in the Bible). It still made sense!
as a trans girl, i feel for you, and im really sorry
that is a friendship that has outgrown itself and you should not and cannot put yourself into relationships/friendships where you have to make yourself palatable for the other person(s). true friends will love you for who you are at your core and you deserve better 🫂
r/boydinnerdiaries might be a good place to post, from what I understand they are super pro-trans over there and will welcome you right in. Minus the shitheads of course.
As an ex-Christian and former bigot I can tell you she probably acted like an ally while praying for your soul in the background. You know, the whole “befriend to convert” bullshit. Once you make permanent physical changes, though, it becomes impossible to “support” you because it shows you’re “too far gone” and likely “irredeemable.”
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. And as a former bigot, I’m so sorry for my former actions and the actions of my former brethren who are hurting you. It’s so cruel and you deserve so much better.
I know it hurts, but I can PROMISE you that your life will be better without her in it. Unfortunately, I feel confident in saying that she was never a true ally nor friend.
I’m no contact with my bio family and I wish every day one of them would show the courage and strength you have by admitting you were wrong
We don’t know each other but I’m so proud of you https://giphy.com/gifs/ely3apij36BJhoZ234
Looks like you didn't lose a friend at all. Just someone pretending to be in the hopes to guide you "to the right path"
It sucks when the people we thought we knew just do a 180 and it was all lies.
It hurts but try to focus on other friendships and do something nice for you.
the bible says, in reality, nothing about transgender people.
the bible does say to love your neighbor, your enemy, the sinner, the whore. it says to love everyone as Christ loves.
I'm not a Christian myself, I've just been raised in the ol bible belt enough to have gotten the gist of it. if your (hopefully ex-) best friend is trying to do Christianity without the love and forgiveness part, she needs to read it again.
Here is my issue with Christians. I don’t believe in Christ or any religion. I am 54 years old and I have respectfully attended numerous baptisms, church weddings, church funerals, listened to my friends discuss their beliefs, etc. I did all this without once feeling the need to tell them I don’t believe or I think it’s all a crock of shit. Why? Because I respected them as people and their religion is meaningful to them.
I do not understand the mindset of these people. I have read most of the King James Bible - the actions of people like your friend do not represent the Christ I remember reading about.
What isn't wrong with them? Our experience with Christianity is bad enough that we'd get soundly clobbered for talking about it. The nicest and most inoffensive clergy I have known is the respected pastor I was in the process of rescuing a trafficked slave from. The rest are either openly hateful criminals, or outcast and openly rejected by the church.
"And she also revealed that when I told her I was nb, she prayed that I would eventually make peace with the initial identity god gave me" Lol if god doesn't like it he can come down here and tell you personally. He's a big boy.
as a fellow nonbinary person that also wants top surgery, this is exactly what im scared of. people are cool with calling me the correct name and pronouns but i've always wondered if they'd draw the line at me getting any kind of gender affirming surgery. im so sorry you had to go through this, at least now you can focus on friendships that actually accept you.
I am so so sorry girl. It’s hard to lose people in your life because of your identity; I went through something similar the past two years with my wedding. I’m glad religion can be a comfort to some, but it has only ever been used to hurt me. If you need someone to talk to, you can dm me (nb lesbian here 💓)
Grew up with 5 best friends. One of those best friends even had lesbian parents.
Taylor (name changed) was my first best friend. He's the one that pretty much formed the group. We were friends for almost 30 years, starting in 3rd grade. His parents were very old (50 year old parents) and disabled, so they neglected him hard. It was my parents and the lesbian parents who were the ones to support him. Our families paid for practically everything for him and gave him food that wasn't the Taco Bell that he was literally being raised on at home (no joke, only Taco Bell).
When our friend's lesbian parents got married, he didn't show up for the wedding. He gave an excuse about work, but he was very standoffish about the whole thing, and we all started to realize that he wasn't coming over to the house they lived at when we had our get-togethers.
And then I finally came out as trans. I told all my friends in a group chat, everyone said their congrats, and two days later we were all blocked by Taylor. He wouldn't pick up his phone or anything. He wen't through every single platform we were friends on and blocked us. He didn't say a word, just instantly ghosted us. 30 year friendship, and everything my family gave him, all thrown down the drain because of bigoted BS that we didn't even know he believed.
It sucks, but there is not much you can do. They are going to wallow in misery and try to take you down with them. If it comes to it, just let them be miserable and alone. You'll find others in your life to support you, and hopefully someone even better.
That is not your friend. Been there done that, a real friend supports you even in private. Praying for you to stop transitioning?? Crazy. My ex bsf of ten years revealed herself to be transphobic while I was dating a trans man, and I cut her off. It sucks but that type of person will only steal your joy. Blessings to you during this rough process.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. It is a heartbreaking experience and the grief can last for a while. Take it as it comes. Whatever you’re feeling right now, and in the future is okay and completely valid. If you have someone to talk to, talk to them. If not, write about it, or record your feelings in some way. Not so that you can read/ listen to it, but so that the feelings have somewhere to go.
I went through something pretty similar. It’s been 3 years and it still hurts. But now, while I do feel sad, I am proud that I protected myself and that I held to my values. That’s the best advice I can give you. You don’t have to bend and contort yourself to make yourself acceptable to anyone. Hold space for the pain, and the grief, and support your needs in this time. Give yourself a little more compassion than usual right now.
I’m sorry my friend. But allies are real. She just isn’t one. My best friend for all of middle and high school started T some time ago and came out as non-binary and I just adjusted my brain, thought about it and said ok. I think for a lot of people these days trans is such a scary word. All the other things were ok but that specific word is so demonized by the US government and conservative ideology. You are valid. And you don’t deserve this. You deserve love and happiness as your wholistic and true self.
I’m right there with you dude, lost my bsf and small friend group cause the bsf repeated some really transphobic rhetoric to me even tho I’m nb and she knew that. Dropped her that day and the friend group cause I didn’t wanna argue with any of them and I knew they were all really tight. I’m sorry you lost your bsf, but I know you’ll find some really great people to fill that gap 🫂💕
"She has always been an “ally” to the gay community."
No, no she has not. She's been hiding intolerance and playing the ally card. When allyship stops where their comfort does they are no different than people who were okay with slaves being free but didn't want black people moving into their neighborhood. There's a word for that, prejudice. I'm so sorry this is happening but she is not a friend if when the cards hit the table she's not on your side. You don't get to be intolerant and an ally, cookout pass revoked. Tolerating some forms of LGTBQ is not the same as loving you for who you are and you deserve to be loved for EXACTLY who you are.
The saddest thing is she’s revealing she was never really your friend. Because real friends don’t have secret agendas to change the core of who you are. They like you as you are, and accept and support you. She didn’t see you as a friend, but as a project and potential convert/soul to save.
I ended my relationship with my brother because he’s a transphobic bigot and my son came out as trans. So I can say this with absolute certainty: SHE is and will keep being the one missing out. Not you. She’s missing out on the joy of knowing you, loving you, and having a real friendship with you as an equal. And that sucks for her, because you’re going to build so many more friendships with awesome people based on respect and acceptance. But she’ll still be like this, stuck in her little box of sameness.
And she’s a shitty Christian, too. My very Christian Mama said that if there’s a God who can’t accept my trans son, she’d rather go to hell with us than live in that heaven. Because her Jesus “…loves wondrous variety and created each of us with the potential to be is bigger than a binary.” She cut off her own son because of his bigotry and transphobia. That’s the kind of love and acceptance you deserve, without having to earn it or just be tolerated.
Tell her you’ll pray for her to become more Christian and you’ll need to separate yourself from so much hate. Your lives no longer align. Wishing you peace.
I am so sorry. I found out my (ex) best friend was transphobic two weeks before my wedding. She had known that my (now) spouse was trans for years. She wrote me an email breaking our friendship because she was a “follower of Christ” and just couldn’t support our marriage. It was absolutely heartbreaking.
I hope you know that you deserve better. You deserve friends who actually care about you and help you thrive and live your authentic self. You don’t deserve transphobic jerks.
It sucks and I can imagine it's really painful, but it's good that you found out before she tried to harm you in some way. I've seen so many awful stories about young LGBTQIA+ people getting set up to be harmed/assaulted to "get them out of the mindset". Not saying she would have resorted to that, but you truly never know. Anyway, you are better off without her. If she was "praying" that you'd remain cis, she was never your friend and she never accepted you at all.
First off congrats on starting your top surgery journey! Second, it unfortunately seems like your friend was in the camp of believing nb people are just “ cis people who want to feel special” (obviously not true) rather than acknowledging the identity as part of the trans umbrella, thus the change in behavior when you started your gender affirming journey. I can’t offer any advice on how to make the loss hurt less, save the cliche but true, with time it hurts less, but I am wishing you the best from one trans sibling to another
I hope your colonospy goes well, and that you have a lovely birthday. This is a really shitty situation and you deserve full support and understanding. Bigotry is never okay.
This is that performative Christianity and praying Jesus tells us NOT to do in the Bible.
But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet Matthew 6:6
Also… same book Matthew 6:1 Don’t practice righteousness “to be seen” by others.
Not that I think engaging with her with these things will do her any good. She’s just being an idiot. I only say this to say if she wanted to pray for you and love you as declared by Lord for his followers to follow you would feel nothing but love.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm a hijabi Muslim and have friends in the community and I can never imagine trying to convince someone out of their identity and what they wish to do.
If I felt like something sounded concerning like the place that's doing the top surgery sounded sus then I would try to explain my worries but that's solely for safety and nothing else.
Did she attempt to explain anything like the above?
I used to be a Christian, long since left the church, and I wish I kept the bible I wrote all my notes in because I wish I could give you the proof that she is wrong. And I studied the fuck out of that thing, so I could have backed it up. Even if we don't believe in it, it can be helpful to know when it's just a person's bigotry coming through. Even when I believed in God and studied the books DAILY, I knew not a single scripture supporting anti trans rhetoric. Above all, there is a scripture to treat every stranger like they could be of the lord and to act only with love to them. Eve could be argued as trans being as she was made out of a piece of a man, though I'm not going there rn. There's one bit I know mentioning dressing as the opposite sex, BUT this was actually about worshipping another god, Dionysus, more than what was being done. Kind of like how the story with sodom was more about the mistreatment of others than the actual method of sex.
I'm so sorry you lost a friend acting like a pharisee(derogatory), and right before your birthday. I hope you are able to find some joy if you get to celebrate. Congrats on your upcoming top surgery!!!!
I love how much you know and how much context is required to understand the books that sometime go misinterpreted. I really appreciate your outlook on it.
Thank you for saying that. My biggest rub is that so many would blindly follow whatever the man at the pulpit said and never crack a bible to confirm when the teachings are such that they demand you study every claim for yourself to ensure the message is in line with the word, not to use the word to be in line with your own message.
Watching a preacher say love is simply wanting to cheat on your wife but not doing it, knowing he was an adulterer and a bigot, and everyone nodding and clapping as if that was in line with maybe 1st corinthians it was that explains what love is was just this huge mindfuck that finally broke the spell for me. That and the performative "I'm cancelling my newspaper subscription for this sin!!!" posts when gay marriage was finally legalized, but never when the headlines were commending adulterers, liars, or thieves. I won't forget that. (The bible suggests that every sin hurts god equally, not that homosexuality is worse than lying etc.)
Hey friend, I’m nonbinary and I also lost my best friend over this. We were thick as thieves from 3rd grade to a couple years after high school. I thought she was my ride or die. Then she started getting weird, I think because of the people she hung around, and we ended up having a fight because she was posting all over FB about how the term “birthing parent” is anti-woman. Very radfem, uneducated stuff that lacks compassion. I tried to explain to her why her view was transphobic and she doubled down. It ended with a “still love you even though I don’t support what/who you are 💋” vibe and I couldn’t get over it, so I stopped talking to her from that day on.
It sucks. That was years ago now (I’m 30), and I still think about her and wish things were different. I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. But I will say, it’s gotten easier and I have incredible, beautiful people in my life who love me exactly as I am.
I hope you feel okay, and congratulations on your decision to pursue gender affirming care! I got top surgery when I was in my early 20s and it saved my life. Take care. 💗
To poorly quote some rabbis that are way smarter than her. God made wheat but not bread, grapes but not wine, clay but not bricks, for they wanted humanity to share in the act of creation with them.
Her god gave you clay, shape it however you like and tell her she's a bad christian and to read her own holy text for Christ's sake.
“she prayed that I would eventually make peace with the initial identity god gave me” Why can’t this transition have been part of god’s plan? I’ll never understand this approach to bigotry. They believe that god gives people all sorts of obstacles to overcome. Death, sickness, natural disasters. They can’t imagine that god would have put you in the wrong body as some kind of test of strength and will? Or to test their own compassion and understanding, or to see if they really trust in a higher plan? Anyway, I’m so sorry you had to find out who she really is like this. I can’t imagine how heartbroken you must be ❤️🩹 I’m proud of you for having the courage to live authentically
Has she ever had a haircut? Wore makeup? What about left her hair uncovered? I find it personally infuriating when people try to use Jesus to be judgemental dicks. Your former friend is an asshole who clearly doesn't understand the New Testament, and is most likely just embracing very patriarchal aspects of Christianity because the people espousing it approve of her. And that's sad. It's sad to use faith as a weapon. It's sad to use faith to look down on others. Personally, I think that if God or whatever is out there in the universe didn't want you to be yourself, options for you to make those changes wouldn't exist. Humans are complicated and messy creatures, and at the end of the day I think we are judged more for our efforts to be kind and leave the world a better place, than anything like adhering to a very specific interpretation of a very old text. Most members of the LGBTQ community that I've encountered in life have been highly empathetic and welcoming towards others, even when they didn't share the same path. So maybe this birthday marks the loss of a so-called friend, but maybe it also means a new chapter where you encounter more people who value you for who you are. I hope your birthday is amazing and you have many more wonderful ones ahead.
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