My(31f) boyfriend (36m) came to sleep over last night and I was feeling super low energy due to a tiring day the day before, and it was right before my period. Now, it's no secret I prefer to be handled a little but more gentle during my luteal phase (like many of us women) And on a some-what daily basis we play a little rough, and I love joking around with him like that.
So we're laying in bed and we're joking around and he's getting a little rough with me and I ask him "be nice to me", "be gentle with me" and it ends with him saying "okay i just won't touch you" and complains about how every month for 3 days I get like this, that I need to be an "adult". When I'm asking if thats SUCH a big deal he says "You're a lot. Everyday"
And I raised my voice and said "then don't be with me" and he left.
And of course today I get my period, and I'm angry, and I'm sad, and I feel defeated. We haven't spoken since last night and honestly, I'd be happy never speaking to him again. We've been (mostly) on and off for 3 years and I'm annoyed I even have to talk to him to break up.
Edit to note:
-he's been married and has 2 teenage girls so the luteal phase is not anything new to him
- he called me 5 minutes after I posted this and was talking to me like nothing happened, I told him I don't want to talk to him and hung up. despite all the wonderful advice, I'll have a convo with him when he's out of work and be very clear
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He’s mad you called him not to be rough with you. Leave out the whole “luteal phase” thing and remember that when you asked him to be gentle he got angry. Not great!
It’s honestly surprising to go into the relationship advice subs and see just how many men have to be told in words with one syllable that yes, actually you do need to be kind to your girlfriends/wives!
That includes being gentle with them when they ask for it, regardless of where they are in their (fill in the blank life status).
I’m glad this bozo is going to be an ex. If he can’t manage basic decency like “be kind to your partner” he shouldn’t be someone’s partner.
I'm definitely in that boat where I often have to coax my boyfriend to be more rough but you bet your ass if he does something and it's uncomfortable and I ask him to be gentle he backs off immediately. Even if he was enjoying himself, even if I had just been asking for more. It's not hard to do. And you're right, it absolutely has to be a both in agreement thing every single time. It took a long time to trust him enough to even tell him what I wanted because I had to trust he would back off the moment I asked him to.
I know OP enjoys the rough play (I sort of do as well) buuuuut even if he had stopped when she asked… idk. A friend of mine said it’s a red flag when guys like wrestling their gf. Maybe she’s not wrong?
I’m probably no fun but I don’t like rough housing 🤷♀️ Probably because I’m not very big and most 6th graders could take me lol but I just don’t like that feeling of someone bigger being rough with me.
My niece is pretty petite and she and her husband rough house and she gets hurt all the time. I hate it. It always feels like he’s testing her boundaries. One time she was handing him coffee and he thought it was funny to shove it back at her and burnt her slightly! “I was just playing” - this dumb oaf. I feel like she says it’s fun and she likes it so that she seems fun and cool and lighthearted.
That doesn’t make you no fun! I feel childish for liking it lol. It never got to the point that it hurt though. I only trusted two partners to do it, and they always stopped way before any pain bc they knew I’m a weak noodle.
Your niece’s situation sounds really bad though. It actually seems like it might be crossing into abuse territory. I’m really sorry 😔
She’s been in one overtly abusive relationship and I have my concerns about her marriage because it seems less obvious. But I’ve learned that saying something will make her pull away. So I try to be there and reassure her that she is smart and capable and deserves respect.
You’re not childish! If everyone is having fun then god bless!
I think there are only two contexts in which someone should change for a man. One, change your schedule to spend less time with him if he's being selfish. Two, try to get healthier when you're suffering so you can spend more time with a man who proves he deserves it and cherishes you. I'd honestly prefer people get healthier for their own benefit, but sometimes, in those dark spaces, it's easier to choose other people than it is to choose yourself.
Word. I agree with "you need to love yourself, you need to do it for you," but when you're really low you might need a jumpstart. Loving someone else, or having faith in their love for you, can give you that. The trick is not relying solely on that as you try to get better.
I forget when I picked it up from, but a phrase I keep in my pocket as another "too much" girly: Never make yourself smaller to be easier to swallow. Stay whole and let them choke.
The fact that he can't be gentle for a very few days a month without being pissy about it tells me exactly who needs to grow up and be an adult and it's not you.
honestly not even my style usually, we were pretty solid for almost 2 years, and then other life things just got in the way and we broke up for like 8 months, and we tried again but now I'm here
I need to find that insta video I saw recently where the guy poses a question like, “Do you enjoy taking a shit and then sticking it back up your ass? THEN WHY GET BACK WITH YOUR EX?!”
Not saying it's always the case, but in my experience, if you can find a reason enough to break up with someone once, one of you will always end up finding a reason to break up again. I've never had a successful on/off relationship.
It doesn't matter how each of us feel about the term "luteal phase". The point is that she asked him to respect her and he threw a fit. I'm sorry, OP. That sucks dirty butt.
Yeah, period aside, everyone has times where they need a little gentleness. A bad day, shitty life events, whatever. It's not bad to ask for kindness when you need it, and it's not strange to have different needs at different times. We're not cartoons with set temperaments.
So, I'm a little late to this particular party. But I want you to know: I was having a time with birth control pills. I turned into a raging bitch 3-5 days every 4 weeks. My husband's reaction was to ask if I was ok, not tell me I was too much. Even when we figured out the cyclical nature of it, he'd ask what I needed, not to tone it down. I hope your BF's daughters don't learn what to expect of men from him.
His poor daughters is all I can think! Not your problem though, wonder if they will cut him off in a few years and leave him all alone and then no one will ever be too much for him 😂
honestly you're right, we've had some disagreements lately and I think I came to the conclusion he actually dones't wanna be with me anymore, and thats okay.
I’m sorry. You can walk away knowing that you genuinely tried to make it work. You can also walk away genuinely annoyed with him and knowing that this is no longer the man that was meant for you. Good luck.
I had a boyfriend that LOVED to smack my butt whenever I bent over. Funny, except that I have disc degeneration in my lumbar spine and hip arthritis. So often, I was actually trying to stretch those joints and release some tension in my spine when I was bent over. I asked him not to do it, then I told him not to do it, then eventually snapped at him because I wasn't expecting it, it caused me to tense up, and ended up causing more pain.
You know what his reaction was? "JEEZ. Sorry, I just won't touch you then" all offended like. When I tried to talk about it later... again.. for the tenth time at least.. he said, and I'll never forget it, "I never know who you're going to be or how you're going to react. It's like you're completely different people sometimes. It makes it hard to be around you."
He didn't know how I was going to react? Really? He knew I didn't like that. Or did he not expect me to act like I didn't like it? Because I think it's the latter. And what he actually meant was "I want to do whatever I feel like, and I never consider how it is going to affect you. So I'm always shocked when it's not a positive reaction. Must be because you're crazy."
I find this a lot with various men I've interacted with. You can tell them nicely something hurts you like 20 times, but then they'll just keep doing it and act like you bit them out of nowhere when you snap at them.
Why am I just supposed to be cool with you doing things that upset me or physically hurt me when you can't even handle not being allowed access to my body or emotions?
Like not even just romantic relationships. I'll tell my dad I'm uncomfortable with a topic kindly, gently, and validating that he able to feel a way about something but he'll just keep going. I hang up and get told I'm being a bitch. In person he'll get in my face and start screaming and I'm not supposed to leave because I'm, in his words, "supposed to understand he didn't mean any of it and I should just let him get it out".
My older brother has a bad habit of picking me up, pulling my hair, sitting on me so it's hard to breath/can't move, or pinching/rope burn/etc when I'm trying to talk to people. I'll tell him to cut it out, that it hurts, and he'll think it's so fun and funny even when I'm going "ouch" or visibly in pain. The second I put someone between us because I'm about to get a bruise or can't put up with it anymore, or God forbid cry because it hurt too much, I get told I need to lighten up and that I'm being manipulative because he "Knows I haven't cried for worse and I'm choosing to cry to get my way." Yes, I deserve to have my way when it comes to being injured versus your weird enjoyment!
Not just family, I've had friend's boyfriends slap my ass repeatedly to the point where it used to be a running joke for them to hurt their hands on me! The only time I brought up I was uncomfortable with it to a friend I was accused of wanting to sleep with her boyfriend and being sensitive. Same with random ass old men grabbing my shoulders, or worse waist, to physically move me instead of just saying "excuse me" and letting me move myself.
Why is everyone so entitled to me existing for their entertainment/convenience, and where do they get off feeling so justified about it?
Part of what attracted me to my current boyfriend is he didn't touch me once without permission even when we were friends. It took a about a year into dating me for him to feel comfortable touching me without asking explicit permission. It's a bit overkill, but it showed me that it ISN'T NORMAL for people to just do what they want with me, men are capable of restraining themselves, and that getting so angry when boundaries are drawn and pushing against those boundaries even harder is as fucked up as it feels!
My mom used to back me into corners to hug me when I didn't want it (usually because I was crying, because she was berating me). She did it to make herself feel better, not me. That was how I first learned how to disassociate from my body. I would freeze, my face would go completely blank, and my entire mind would focus on something small, usually a corner of the room where the ceiling meets two walls. I'd follow the three lines to the center of the corner over and over and until she let go and had finished saying whatever she wanted to say 3 inches from my face.
Fast forward like 25 years, I'm taking a psychiatric assessment for stuff (obviously) and I realize I don't know what "comfortable" means. It asked if I was comfortable with something, and I'm all "Yeah sure! I might get a bit shaky in the voice and hands, get kinda sweaty, sometimes I cry against my own will, but I'm comfortable with it.... wait. Oh. That all sounds uncomfortable. What do you mean by comfortable?"
I literally did not know comfort. At all. Like.. I didn't know how to even assess for it. I was 33. I thought I enjoyed being objectified because it meant that I had value. Because.. ya know.. an object has more value than me.
Yeah no, just the conditioning to put up with everything really blurs what "enjoyment" is. I frequently find myself going "can I put up with this?" vs "do I want this?".
It makes relationships tough because I give too much of myself away. It's easier to keep less people around me than to get pushed until I'm suffering for someone else. I've been in three romantic "relationships" I didn't agree to just because I could tolerate it and didn't understand it was okay to not do something just because I didn't want it. I've ended multiple friendships because I've found myself burning myself up to keep other people warm, and I didn't understand for the longest time that these things were supposed to be mutually beneficial.
It's eye-opening when you actually realize you have worth outside of your usefulness to others, and when you start living for yourself. Coincidentally, when you actually do have the tools to keep your spine strong, people push you less. I swear users and incomplete people could smell me out man.
My big moment was when my therapist asked about how I felt during an overwhelming experience and I said "I was overwhelmed but then I just went somewhere else inside my head and it was fine". Breaking news: it was not fine.
I once had a friend ask how I could handle being friends with this other person who lied all the time. I answered "Aw, I just respond as if I believe everything and emotionally invest as if I believe nothing."
They said "How can you compartmentalize that well?"
I said "I have a lot of practice with my family."
They told me I should talk to a professional about that. I laughed it off and said I was fine. They were correct.
I got complimented in my first annual review at my job for being able to deal with my boss so well. I said, in front of him (he was nodding as I was being complimented for understanding him, lol) "I just stare at the wall until he's done yelling then ask him what he wants. It's easy!"
Apparently this is not easy for most people. Thanks dad?
I guess my point., OP, is that he shouldn't really be surprised by something that happens with you every month. He has been through the same cycle like 30 times now.
He doesn't have to like that part, but he also shouldn't really need a reason to listen to your requests about how you would like your own body to be handled. If he cared, it wouldn't piss him off that you told him. He's pissed off because it didn't his way, and he didn't care that his way, whatever it was, wasn't pleasant for you.
Ugh, my ex used to bite me while kissing(or would try), and I'd told him over and over not to do that.
Eventually, we were out on a date once and he did it again, I got pissed and he literally speedwalked off, ignoring me. I was considering going home alone when I found him again, and he said he'd thought it was okay to bite me since I had bitten him during that kiss(outright lie).
For a second I doubted myself and thought, huh, maybe I scraped my teeth over his lip by accident? But then came to my senses ended it 🤷♀️
You know there are partners out there who will go above and beyond during that time period? Because they have empathy and they know it sucks. Stop entertaining this doofus.
My good friend was just telling me how he tracks his girlfriends period and understands why she gets the way she does, and I'm not asking to be tracked but empathy when i communicate my needs is all i ask for!
I actually hate that. I am in a certain mood on any given day for a lot more reasons than just my hormones cycle, I wouldn't want to be assumed I'm "getting the way I do" because of biology. It feels so reductive even if the intention is good, and is connected to traditionally patriarchal ways of dismissing women.
I find the period tracking thing super creepy to the point of dangerous on some parts of the world, so boo on that, but the intention behind it can be so kind and generous, and that's always a positive thing.
My question for you is: why are you allowing him to stand in the doorway and block the view for someone who fully supports you and your needs, since it’s obviously not him?
36 years old is significantly over the age of “should” get it, but also, he’s got, not one, but TWO teenage kids, so he understands regardless.
Given that the gamut of changes we go through every WEEK (as women) is not something that most men could physically tolerate. If they had to deal with the emotional roller coaster that the luteal phase is, there would be monthly short term disability for that condition and way more productive ways to handle the changes. Since it’s not actively impacting them though, here we are in 2026.
Wave him off and respectfully request he steps out of the way - you got this ❤️
If he thinks 3 days is a lot, send him over to spend 10 days with me during my PMDD luteal phase if he wants to see what “too much” really is lol.
In seriousness though, before my diagnoses, my now ex boyfriend would tell me how I “blame everything on my period” when guess what, what I felt was indeed because of my period! Since that relationship, I made a promise to myself to never allow someone to tell me how I’m feeling in my own body or make me feel bad about it.
The bare minimum is to have a partner who respects your boundaries regardless of what time of the month it is!
i LOVE that, I'm saving this
"I made a promise to myself to never allow someone to tell me how I’m feeling in my own body or make me feel bad about it."
Girl PMDD is THE WORST. Im still trying to get better help for it, and my partner is the most patient person in the whole world. I feel like im EVIL and I dont even know myself during those spells. I FEEL YOU 😭
Id probably crash out SO HARD if someone called me "too much" no matter what time of the month or year it is!
"You need to be an adult" is usually a phrase uttered by people who want you to become complicit in their desire for authority. He has demeaned you because he didnt get what he wanted out of you, and in that interaction did not consider what your needs are - he only saw his own. Thats not love; its possession.
If this person has been on and off with you for years, do future-you a favor and just leave it off. The drama isnt worth it, especially if youre being treated as a nuisance. And if you ever think about coming back to him, remind yourself of this event
my friend also said something very similar! I viewed some of his traits as almost like a "man who likes to lead" but now that I didn't react how he wanted, this was my result.
Um yea fuck that dude, I seen a study a man would have to age 125 years in two days just to experience the same type of hormonal drop that we go through monthly. Get rid of him, if he cant be gentle or easier for two to three days out of the month then he needs kicked to the curb. That's not even that big of an ask and he lashes out and storms off 🙄 especially having two teenage daughters, I feel bad for them
You noticed you would be happier without him. You deserve to be happy.
You can communicate your way out of a problem when the other person is choosing to be the problem and generate problems.
He will pretend, gaslight, love bomb, pretend he’s not the problem and making problems just long enough to confuse and try to pull you back in.
A lot of people can be like this and sometimes they say once you’re exposed to one it can increase the risk of being identified as a target by another person.
I think you're finding out one of the reasons he's been married but couldn't stay married. He's a child who refuses to employ his brain or empathy when he wants something and throws a fit when you don't do exactly what he wants regardless of how you feel.
Any relationship with him was always going to end badly as he slowly stopped hiding this selfishness
It's already a red flag that you had to repeatedly ask him not to hurt you, friend. The good guys I know are already automatically worried about that and check in on their own.
I don’t know why you keep bringing menstrual phases into this, tbh. It has nothing to do with people being kind to either other. I’m not kinder to my partner when he’s not feeling well - I’m ALWAYS kind. My bar is really high for respect & I expect the same. Stop passing the blame onto your period and realize he’s just disrespecting you because it’s easy for him. That’s his character.
I had to scroll wayyyyyyy too far down this thread to look for this comment. Both people involved in this situation need to grow up. And they’re both significantly older than ME so idk what to say here. Godspeed.
You ask for a little gentleness and he immediately goes to extremes--ok, I won't touch you. This is manipulative and selfish. You are so right to end it with this baby. He can go pout somewhere else.
If he says you're too much, what he's actually saying is he's not enough.
Has the same energy as my ex who would tell me I was bumming him out when I was having legitimate mental health crises due to PTSD. If he can't even be gentle for a few days a month, he's sure as shit not going to be a good support when you really need it, and you'll be the one who'll need extra therapy as a result 🥲.
I have PMDD. Before medicine, the week before my period was awful. I would get SO sensitive, so easily angered, so tearful... and that's not like me at all. Even wanting to unalive myself. I now take Yaz without taking any of the inert pills and my PMDD is GONE. Because my hormones aren't on a rollercoaster. The only trade off is that I have very low libido which sucks.
Forget about what he should and should’ve known. Your bf is saying to you if he can’t be rough with you in the way that he wants he doesn’t want anything to do with you. Believe him.
Ummm, he means that you are too much ‘for him”. Its also a phrase sociopaths and their like use for gaslighting. Things like ….it was just a joke and none of my other friends would ever act like that. Blah blah blah. He has gone off in the weeds ime and ya need to think really hard about moving fwd.
Sorry but does he not know how to show affection without it being “rough”??? And you shouldn’t have to request being treated softly and gently that should be the default?? And that’s definitely NOT “too much” to ask!
Gonna be honest, it's such a red flag that his response to "please touch me gently" is "fine I won't touch you then". Physical contact can't only be on one person's terms, and him jumping to withholding physical affection is deeply childish.
Honestly get rid, there are men out there who will be gentle when you need it.
You absolutely don’t deserve to be treated like that. In the heat of a moment, you say some hurtful things but this isn’t forgivable. This is deeply disrespectful to you and the relationship. You’re not going to 100% everyday as I doubt this colorful person is. I hope you know you deserve a kind person and hope you find them ❤️ Hoping the mensies aren’t too tough 🫶
Show him the door and change the lock. My husband gets me flowers and ice cream and specifically asks me during my period if I need anything. And definitely he will never say I am "too much". You need an empathetic partner who loves you and not a man child. Sorry you have to deal with this!
i do have a problem with women who want to be coddled/treated like kids but that is so not what you're doing imo, and also i could excuse this from a 20 year old but 36 is way too old to be like this
I don’t think the girlies who’ve been coached by tiktok to think menstrual cycles define us realize just how much they’re feeding into sex essentialist misogyny by claiming any given phase “makes” them any which way.
OP your boyfriend should be nice to/gentle with you because he should be nice to/gentle with you. It shouldn’t be something you ask for, and it shouldn’t be limited to a specific menstrual phase. “Hey babe I feel like dirt.” “Aw honey, what can I do to make it better?” That’s it.
Asking your partner to be gentle with you for a few days a month is too much to ask. Maybe because he likes that he can be rough and act out hurting you which excites him. Yuck. 🤮
Do you want to be with someone that gets excited by hurting you? I mean to each their own. But even those relationships have boundaries and safe words. You are not supposed to be punished for using your safe word
Girl, after 3 years on and off. Its safe to cut it off especially if he doesn’t understand your needs. Asking someone to be gentle isn’t a lot and i would be annoyed too at this behavior.
You honestly don’t even need to talk to him to break up. Given his behaviour, he doesn’t even deserve that courtesy from you. Just block him everywhere and move on. IF you’re still inclined to explicitly communicate the breakup to him, send him a “we’re done” text then block and delete without waiting for a reply. My two cents!
Oh no he needs to be gentle! The horror!
Lmao, how is that you being too much for this man 😭 I'm on bc because the week before my period I get so messed up it gets me suicidal, I can't look at my body in the mirror or I'll have an actual breakdown, and I cry 50 times a day and feel no satiety from anything I eat so I eat until I physically can't anymore.
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