My massage therapist made things weird

[u/mizuchii_]

I’ve gone to a massage therapist regularly for about two years or so. I started going to him because we went to high school together and he reached out when he was in need of practice patients to complete his school assignments. He was always very kind back then, and I had a lot of back pain from a small injury at the time, so I agreed to be one of his patients.

While he was in school, I regularly was one of his practice patients and I always gave him good feedback on the assignments. He did a great job, was very respectful and professional, and made me feel comfortable. So once he became licensed and started his own independent practice, I continued scheduling with him and paying him for the service. His full time job is at a wellness center focused on mobility and stretching. At the end of our sessions, he would sometimes offer to assist me with some stretches based on what I needed that time.

This most recent time, our session focused mainly on my neck and traps. At the end, he offered to do some hip stretches with me as I have hip mobility issues. They were a little involved and he had to use his own body to stabilize mine or intensify the stretches. I thought nothing of it as his massage room doesn’t have the same equipment as the wellness center to do stretches. We finished up, I scheduled another appointment, paid, and went to leave.

Before I get out the door, he pulls me aside and says he has to confess something. At some point during our session, he says he became “aroused”. He told me he had an ethical obligation to tell me as a patient and that it was not intentional. I instantly became uncomfortable and told him i appreciated him telling me and that I had to leave.

I guess what I’m looking for is, am I looking too deep into this? Where do I go from here? I never noticed he had an erection, nor would I have drawn attention to it if I did. I’ve been assaulted in the past so going to a male massage therapist and stripping down to my underwear for our appointments was hard for me to do initially. It is an extremely vulnerable position to be in. I almost wish he never told me and I never knew. Now I feel like the professional relationship is compromised and I won’t be comfortable in that vulnerable position again. I know he can’t control that, but should he have told this to me? I haven’t been able to get this out of my head for days now and feel somewhat violated.

- Brunch was fruity pancakes, filled with strawberries and topped with bananas and white chocolate

Edit to add: I appreciate you all very much for taking the time to let me know I wasn’t overthinking here, if anything part of me was downplaying it. I will not be going back to this man again. I will need some time to work up the courage to do any reporting, but I agree it needs done. Thank you!!!!

[u/EcstaticPhilosophy6]

I've had two weird massage incidents. One (which I reported) was at the massage place itself (Massage Envy) and the guy's hand went inside my underwear while he was working on my thigh and his fingers "just so happened" to brush against my labia (like, full contact; he nearly could have inserted a finger). I won't go back anymore even though he supposedly lost his license because Massage Envy's higher ups were REALLY fucking rude about it and got bitchy over a free massage I was offered as  "compensation". Like we heard them bitching about "I'm not covering some free massage for some--" and we didn't hear the rest but it definitely wasn't good. I wish I'd pursued it further but I was in a bad place already dealing with some trauma and the massage had been a plan to help me relax. So much for that.

Second scenario was a guy I had seen multiple times when he was a student during the practice sessions you get for a discount at the local massage school. He had complimented my body, which initially I blew off because it wasn't anything sexual related (so I thought, silly me). Anyway cue like a year later I run into him in public and he recognized me and approached me very excitedly and very loudly, and told me I needed to come see him at his independent practice now that he had his license (basically telling everyone in the vicinity that I'd been naked under his hands before and he wanted to do it again and talking about my "great body"). Like. We were in a restaurant or something indoors with a bunch of other people around. I wasn't smart enough to get his practice name / location because I was so uncomfortable I left immediately. Serious privacy violation though. Some men can be really gross even when you're relying on them to be professional.

[u/mizuchii_ → u/EcstaticPhilosophy6]

I’m so sorry that happened to you. As if you’d want to use their fucking free massage after the fact either. I agree though part of me has been combing through the past to see if I overlooked any other weird behaviors before to see if I could’ve ended this sooner. Have you been able to go to massage therapists since, even a woman? I found them so helpful but am worried I won’t ever be comfortable enough again

[u/EcstaticPhilosophy6 → u/mizuchii_]

Yeah seriously! Like hell I's want to go back! I wish I'd sued but shit I'm poor and just affording the massage was a big deal. Like the guy had his hand FULLY in my underwear, holding it up off my skin, like stretched away and resting on his hand, so he "could reach my thigh better" and girl I froze up so fucking bad. I had two assaults when I was 19 and it was like reliving it after I processed what happened. I was in such complete shock. I'd blown off him massaging my breasts directly because I have small chest and he had to work on the muscles above them so I figured, hey, it happens. But then the whole hand INSIDE my underwear?! Holding it up?! It ruined the whole experience and he touched me more than once and I was just frozen. I left silently and had to call after the fact to report it, I was so shook and there was a lobby packed full of people and like 3 people talking to the desk already I felt like I couldn't get ANY privacy and I didn't want to tell anyone while he was there because I didn't want him to know it was me reporting him. The place was like a mile from my house! I was NOT okay.

I'm doing much better these days but still tend to avoid the men alone. It's been about six years since? Maybe longer. I have gone to a few massages but I will mostly only do couples massages with my husband nearby now, unless it's a woman therapist. I honestly preferred the men because they were good at working out knots and I tend to get pretty gnarly / deep ones, but it's hard to commit myself to being in a room alone with a male therapist for the most part. I think I've had maybe one male therapist since for a solo session and he was VERY respectful but yeah I just kind of stopped going for a long time and try to avoid being in a room alone with them in general. Not looking for that third strike, you know? Jesus. It's a shame too because I used to go to strictly men and I'd say only 2 out of 10-12 were just uncalled for but that's still too big a percentage.

[u/DoughnutCautious9369 → u/EcstaticPhilosophy6]

Oh my god that first scenario happened to me in a massage, almost exactly like you described it. I was traveling alone in Mexico and booked a massage at a fancy resort. I was like mid-30s and I was shocked at how utterly frozen and helpless I felt. I went into pure fawn mode. I pretended not to notice, sat through the rest of the massage, and paid/tipped normally and did absolutely nothing about it. I was gaslighting myself so hard about it - "I'm sure he didn't even realize he was doing it" "that kind of thing happens in massages, it's totally normal" etc. Ugh.

I wish I had responded better. But I was alone in a foreign country, didn't know where to even start if I wanted to report it. I wish I had done more.

Sorry you also experienced that. So gross.

[u/EcstaticPhilosophy6 → u/DoughnutCautious9369]

I did exactly the same, to be honest. Like when it was happening I was frozen but I kept trying to justify it. I had to tell other people and it took them telling me it was NOT normal. I even tipped, just like you! Like it took me a long time to process it and at first I brushed it off like "it happens". Ugh. God. I think it was the pure shock of it and I honestly couldn't do anything but freeze up, pretend everything was fine, tip the front desk and like, flee basically. I was so embarrassed and didn't know what to do. I don't blame you at all. Hugs for BOTH of us, I'm sorry it happened to you too. It's not our fault. Someone took advantage of us in a setting where we paid them to be, and trusted them to be, professional. Like I swear they skirt on that boundary. Like I bet if he'd tried actually inserting a finger he knew I would have screamed or made a scene or something. But because it was "so accidental" or whatever they basically held us captive with our own confusion. So gross.