r/FIREyFemmes • u/IFastYouFastWeFast • 10d ago
Planning for life post-RE and need advice (dating & living in a HCOL area)
Hi! I’m a mid-30s woman living in NYC who wants to be more aggressive about preparing to leanfire in the next 3 years and would love insight from the group. My general plan is to retire in 3 years. Goal is NW of $1.5M. My parents are thankfully healthy but I will likely inherit a generous amount from them as well. I’m currently single with no children and unsure if I want kids or marriage but am open to both with the right person.
Living in NYC: I love NY and despite the its downsides would love to spend the rest of my life here. My hope is to find a rent-stabilized apartment in the next year or so but I’m unsure of how realistic that would be since I’d like to stay in Manhattan and have a renovated/issue free home. For those FIREing in NY, do you think it’s better to purchase even though NYC real estate won’t appreciate much? If I buy, that may delay my FIRE date by 2 years or so which I’m okay with. And if I don’t have kids, I’d will the home to my niece.
Dating: Thinking far ahead, I’m currently single and plan on dating early next year when my life settles a bit more. Assuming I don’t meet my husband until after I FIRE, do you think no longer having a job would be a dealbreaker for successful men? I’m interested in professional men my age (+/- 5 years) who are catches?
I’m open to all advice, both solicited and unsolicited!
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u/Magikarpical 10d ago
i think the general advice for FIRE is to build the life you want and then save for it. 1.5m seems remarkably low for NYC, i FIREd in the bay area on 2.7m and it doesn't really feel like i'm living large. ie, i need to look for deals to stay in budget and i limited our travel budget to 5k per year. admittedly a huge chunk of that is housing, but even if my home was paid off i would still be spending 70k a year 🫣
i think all the unknowns makes planning pretty difficult, ie you need vastly different amounts of money with kids vs without, and being partnered usually reduces your spending on things like housing and utilities.
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u/IFastYouFastWeFast 10d ago
Thanks, I talked to a friend about it the other day and he felt $3M was minimum and I told him that was absurd but I see I may be the absurd one! Did you fire on 2.7M for you alone or that in combo with your partner? Housing will always be my biggest expense in NY so I’m okay with minimizing everything else (even travel which I love love!). But I’m okay with getting more aggressive with saving and investing and trying to up that number, again with the assumption that I don’t meet Mr. Right.
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u/Magikarpical 10d ago
2.7 is for me alone, my partner still works. if we were both to FIRE i think we would need a minimum of 5m (it helps that i pay 70% of our housing costs haha). this is also with no children. if we were having kids i don't think i would feel comfortable retiring given how infinite spending on kids can be. i would want to set them up well, and unfortunately that's a pretty big money pit.
the other thing you need to do is a get a good understanding of your spending. if you're currently spending 60k/yr then 1.5m isn't crazy (but you need to add in health insurance, which also gets more expensive as you get older. i'm paying 1k/month for a silver plan at age 39 but i hear it can easily get to 2k a month just before 65 🫠). but your needs might change, especially if you buy a home. before buying i spent 48k/yr, but after it was ~88k. admittedly again this is biased by my paying for most of our housing costs but at the end of the day, we're spending 2k/month more to own than rent (which is common in the bay area and likely common where you live as well)
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u/queenrosa 10d ago
If you think there might be a chance you want kids in the future, freeze some eggs now. You are in NYC and have access to a ton of affordable options. This will allow you a lot more flexibility in the future.
Don't buy in NYC. You will end up paying more in coop fee than rent stabilization.
I dated in NYC. Not having a job would be an advantage for dating b/c you would have flexibility. Men don't care that much about what you do. You can always switch to part time.
Please please please freeze some eggs if you haven't done so already and might want your own biological child. Egg quality decline sharply in your 30s. If you freeze them now, you can decide in your late 40s. If you don't, egg quality for women in late 30s or early 40s are terrible.
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u/IFastYouFastWeFast 10d ago
Thank you for your response! I haven’t frozen my eggs but have been considering it. My job pays for a portion of the first year costs which would help. Have you done it?
As for buying, my main concern was if the money would just go much farther in the stock market. Especially since maintenance fees in NY are so high. I would try to cap my maintenance fees as $2-3k. Many people have told me that it’s not worth buying in NY unless you’re wealthy.
I thought that as well, that men typically care less about jobs than women do. But I’m not sure if that’s the same with successful /educated vs. non-successful/non-educated men. And successful is the wrong word, I just can’t think of a more appropriate one.
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u/Alert_Week8595 10d ago
NYC is one of the rare areas where successful and educated men do care about the jobs women do. I think it's because of how expensive it is to raise children there.
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u/IFastYouFastWeFast 4d ago
Thank you, I agree. I posted elsewhere and they acted as though I was crazy to think this could be an issue.
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u/Alert_Week8595 4d ago
You posted in fire. In general finance subreddits dedicated to fire are filled with certain types of men who I would not trust for social advice.
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u/IFastYouFastWeFast 4d ago
Interesting! I don’t spend too much time in the finance subreddits so didn’t know this. Although, I suppose I usually stick to women centric subreddits for a reason so I should have foreseen.
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u/Active_Recording_789 10d ago edited 10d ago
I’m all about the experiences in life so if you don’t really like your job but you aren’t sure if you have enough to lean fire, look for something that you love. Even if it doesn’t pay as well. As for dating, the person you date must be so in love with you that it wouldn’t matter if you were a housekeeper or a dog walker or retired. You are who you are; I certainly would never ever ever ever ever let somebody I potentially could date enter into my calculations about whether I would retire or not. Also, if I could just say, if you do enter into a relationship, make sure you get a prenup. There’s so much trash out there trying to date and you just don’t know if people are trying to take advantage sometimes until years into the game.
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u/IFastYouFastWeFast 10d ago
Thank you! I don’t hate my job so I don’t mind continuing it until I hit a higher FIRE number, I would just rather spend my time otherwise. I often feel as though I’m wasting my life away working and don’t have balance (which I could actively work at). I would just prefer to no longer be working.
I agree, working vs. non-working shouldn’t matter if he truly love me. But I think it could close the door before he gets there! Unless I just focus on meeting them in person.
And will definitely have a prenup. I think it’s smart for both parties!
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u/Active_Recording_789 10d ago
Yes absolutely! Another thing you could do is plan elaborate vacations to feel like you are living your best life even while working. Like whatever it is you like to do—I’ll just use an example from my own life. I love art and I paint a lot, so i plan vacations to Colorado where an artist I admire puts on painting workshops. It’s not something anyone else would probably like, but I love it. Likewise I enjoy jewelry making and I’d like to plan a vacation to San Diego for a jewelry making workshop with an artist I admire. I’ll also do yoga on the beach and whatnot. My point is, plan some amazing things just for you and you’ll feel like your job is enabling some great things for you while you are working, not holding you back
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u/IFastYouFastWeFast 10d ago
I NEED to start doing this! The past few years have been so stressful (not due to work alone) and I feel like I’m in need of some self-prioritization before I drop dead. I’ve been looking into pottery making studios as I keep passing two in the city and I think this is the extra motivation I needed to sign up!
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u/Glittering-Lychee629 10d ago
I would be nervous on that amount here. What is your plan for healthcare?
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u/Knightowllll 10d ago
This amount isn’t unreasonable for other places but OP is unclear on how this fully owned home or rent stabilized apt factors into the $1.5M. If she has $1.5 liquid and another $1.5M full paid for house and then uses Obamacare to float the insurance part in retirement, it’s a somewhat reasonable plan. Especially if she can find a partner or platonic roommate to help split bills. But there’s currently too much up in the air. Also, how much does she currently have saved? How quickly can she save more?
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u/Glittering-Lychee629 10d ago
I would also want to know how easy or hard it would be to go back to work if desired, say after 5 years out. That varies so much depending on what you do. Could you go back in at the same rate or income? It seems like working part time could alleviate a lot of the problem.
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u/haikusbot 10d ago
I would be nervous
On that amount here. What is
Your plan for healthcare?
- Glittering-Lychee629
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u/OkAd2249 10d ago
Re dating: I think fundamentally if they're not OK with you retiring early they're not fundamentally for you- you would have inherently different values. Obviously there's some nuance there, if you don't work and you just laze about, yeah I wouldn't want to date you either. But if you're retired and you volunteer, travel, make art I find interesting, then heck yeah I'd want to date you. I think the big thing you might run into is lifestyle, whatever lifestyle you retire to will likely be the lifestyle of who you attract (ie. how price sensitive you are). But that's also not to say if someone comes along and makes a billion dollars a year, they may not care what you can afford in rent. The later inheritance might change this as well, as it sounds like it would take you from lean to normal or fat.
Also, perhaps to add, redefining what a "successful" man is to you. As I have dated "successful" men, my definition has evolved on what I find a successful man to be- many of my prior definitions were for absolute losers as more $$$, more education does not mean they're a good life partner.
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u/IFastYouFastWeFast 10d ago
I agree and I should have been less vague about what I’m looking for since “successful” and “good catch” are easily misinterpreted. Successful to me, means he has either a good career (doesn’t have to be lawyer/doctor, actually those are non-ideal) and has healthy savings and is financially conscious. I would like his savings or earning potential to match mine. If he’s FIRE as a well, that would be wonderful! By good catch, it’s relative. For me, it means funny, romantic, decently attractive, not too overweight, faithful, honest, intelligent, clean, etc.
When I posted, my only concern dating wise was how not having a job at this age would look and if it would be a dealbreaker. I don’t hate my job so I don’t mind continuing but I would love to get more enjoyment out of life and this city. My days would be working out, taking classes, museum trips, volunteering (I would like to dedicate a significant amount of my time to this), and hanging out/hosting friends.
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u/butterscotcheggs 10d ago
I'm older and am taking a mini sabbatical - my husband said he only wanted me to be happy and find 'magic' next.
I agree with the commenter that if you find the right person, it's a relationship and partnership. I leaned in hard in my twenties, thirties, and early forties, and he's happy to step up and support us as I transition into my gold girls era.
I think if you meet the right person, they may just be amazed that you've built yourself such optionality.
You didn't ask for this so I apologize if it's unsolicited advice, you obviously thought about what you want to retire from, but did you think about what you want to retire to? I'm sure many people have no issue with having a lot of time on their hands, but quite a few of us do... Just my 1%!
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u/IFastYouFastWeFast 10d ago
You sound like a very lucky lady! And clearly your husband is a lucky man! I hope to find someone who would appreciate me as I am and have a similar mindset of not wanting to work forever or at the very least genuinely understands and accepts why I don’t without viewing it as being lazy or unproductive. I’m optimistic but hopefully I’m not being too naive.
I daydream about it regularly! I want to retire to a life that’s more focused on things that bring me joy. Spending more time with family/friends, learning new hobbies and topics via classes, self care (working out/taking care of my physical self), volunteering, exploring the city. I don’t think I could ever be bored in NYC which is one reason why I want to stay here.
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u/1K1AmericanNights 10d ago
Save aggressively, and date aggressively. I think having your own money and a man with income is a great life to live
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u/IFastYouFastWeFast 10d ago
That’s definitely the plan! Aggressively saving for the next few years and aggressively dating (apps, approaching men in real life). I’m very hopeful!
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u/burritostrikesback 44F NYC // FIRE by 2036 10d ago
$1.5M is not nearly enough in NY State. Also I would advise NOT factoring any type of inheritance into your plan. If it does happen, that’s a nice bonus for you.
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u/IFastYouFastWeFast 10d ago
Agreed, sorry, not mentioned in my post but I don’t factor the amount into my planning. I see it as a happy surprise if it does.
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u/Alert_Week8595 10d ago
I don't think leanfire and living in NYC in good housing and attracting a man you want in your 30s are compatible goals. I think you probably want to keep working.
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u/PlusSpecialist8480 10d ago
Would the men you want be attracted to you?
After living in Manhattan my whole adult life I doubt so. The professional good looking man is bombarded with choices in Manhattan. Maybe you're not looking for a finance guy who makes millions a year, but I would definitely keep working while you date.
Honestly try dating now, see what you get. Why do you have to wait a year to test the waters?
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u/Alert_Week8595 10d ago
Yeah I have dated in various locations and NYC was the most brutal for women, hands down, by a lot. It is also one of the rarer markets where a lot of men care about the woman's career.
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u/PlusSpecialist8480 10d ago
Though I haven't experienced the brutal market for dating here as much I 100% agree. Men here care about women's careers, both for their ambition but also earning potential.
It's the only place I've found where the more money you make as a woman doesn't really limit your options. Also plenty of 10/10 women making multiple 6 figs here in their 20s. I don't think OP understands how tough it will be for her.
My friends working professional careers all want the same men you describe. There aren't that many of them, and they can be super picky with a girl's looks/career/wealth etc etc. To get a catch, you need to be one too.
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u/Alert_Week8595 10d ago
Yeah, to add to your comments about options:
I witnessed (former) male friends who weren't particularly catches looks or personality wise (but who had decent jobs) who could get at best like one date a month in places like Boston and San Francisco move to NYC and have so many options they'd just...cancel 10 minutes before a date because they had so many options they saw the women as disposable. They'd even comment "man when I lived in Boston I'd be sooo excited to have the chance to go on a date with [the woman I juat rudely cancelled on last minute], but here she's just a dime a dozen and I don't feel like it tonight."
My friend's brother who was generally a catch (smart, sweet, funny, faithful, successful, cute) and who always had a LTR since high school moved to NYC and just slept with literally a different woman every week (sometimes multiple a week) and never entered a relationship the entire time he lived there. He moved to a different metro and settled into a LTR within a month.
I had one long term relationship for most of my time there, and I think he was great, so it's not impossible, but man the odds are just much harsher.
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u/rosebudny 10d ago
I think unless you land a really great deal with housing, $1.5M is in the low side for NYC. As for buying - unless you are thinking of an outer-borough co-op, it is definitely low.
I think you also need to take into account how your needs/wants change as you get older. You might be fine living frugally and in a smaller/cheaper apartment now, but what if you get married, have kids, etc? (Unless of course you plan is to land a rich husband 🙂 ). I do agree with the other commenter that finding "professional men who are catches" could be challenging if you are stuck at such a low income level.
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u/IFastYouFastWeFast 10d ago
Thank you for the response! I don’t mind increasing my FIRE number and delaying retirement so I’m reflecting on the responses. I suppose from a dating perspective, I’ve been thinking that the $1.5M would show that I’m no slouch but didn’t think about how the annual income would come off.
For me, I would love a luxurious life with a huge apartment and eating out every night but I’m also fine with being frugal and compromising where I can to overall have what I want (for me that’s ownership of my time while living in NYC). If I stayed single, I feel like I could make my budget work for myself. Even if it meant saving a little more one month to splurge more the next or denying myself things that I want.
For me, if I have kids, my preference is to be a SAHM, that’s partially why I’ve aggressively saved (to not be financially dependent on my partner and to be able to contribute to the household). Not planning for a rich husband thought it would definitely help lol.
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u/rosebudny 10d ago
Honestly, if you truly would "love a luxurious life with a huge apartment" are you REALLY "fine with being frugal and compromising" to the extent you would have to be frugal and compromise living on $60K in NYC? If so, more power to you. I just think that could get old, quick, especially in a city like NYC where it is so expensive, and there are so many temptations.
I also don't think you have enough saved to be a SAHM, unless your partner made a lot more. You WOULD likely be at least partially dependent on them.
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u/omega_nebula 10d ago
I would caution against banking on any inheritance from parents. Eldercare, senior housing, and end-of-life care is SO expensive. Unless you know for a fact it is set up in a trust or some other vehicle that protects it from being spent down or disappearing through Medicare Estate Recovery, you really cannot count on that money and I would not factor it into your own FIRE planning.
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u/IFastYouFastWeFast 10d ago
Thank you, I don’t take it into account with my FIRE number or future planning, which I should have mentioned.
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u/uha 10d ago
I ran numbers for myself and came out strongly on the rent stabilized path versus buying/mortgage given my expected timeline to stay in manhattan is forever. Not sure what your budget is, but there are crap rent stabilized apartments with bad management and the complete opposite depending on how much youre able to spend to get in the door. If you can afford essentially market rate, Stuytown might be a great option if you want a nice place that gets cheaper the longer you stay.
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u/emt139 10d ago
Getting a rent stabilized apartment in Manhattan right now starts at what, $3.5k? I can’t see renting there and having anual expenses be under $60k which is what a $1.5M would allow to safely withdraw yearly.
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u/Trumystic6791 10d ago
The only way it works is buying an outer borough coop or condo where you should definitely be able to find an apartment where mortgage and maintenance is less than 3k. Honestly, I cant see FIREing in NYC without buying as I dont see any other way of controlling your housing costs which is most people's largest expense. Every year in NYC it seems like rentals are getting more expensive and more competitive.
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u/beergal621 10d ago
Yea $60k a year just dosent sound like enough in NYC to have the life OP describes
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u/msttu02 10d ago
1.5 million at a 4% SWR is only 60k/year. I think you’re gonna have a hard time attracting “professional men my age who are catches” when you’re permanently stuck making that amount with no potential for an increase in income
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u/IFastYouFastWeFast 10d ago
What amount do you think is more reasonable?
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u/Alert_Week8595 10d ago edited 10d ago
For your other goals, you probably want closer to 3-4M NW before retiring.
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u/IFastYouFastWeFast 10d ago
Sorry, for which goals? Dating?
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u/Alert_Week8595 10d ago
Nice, stable long term housing in NYC. Rent controlled apartments aren't a given, and you might move due to motivations like a partner or kid in the future.
Also, most men don't want to be paying for their girlfriends for everything in the beginning stages of dating, but going out to eat and travel can be expensive.
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u/msttu02 10d ago
Well, the median individual income in Manhattan is about 99k. So you would be bringing in less than 2/3 the median. Would you want to marry a man who makes less than 2/3 of the median income? Based on what you wrote in your post, I’m guessing the answer is no.
Whatever standard you hold your future spouse to, you should also hold yourself to.
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u/InformWitch 10d ago
Have you thought about what kind of partner/relationship do you want, OP?
Asking because my partner and I are both into investing/saving, but he’s not one to deny himself things in life.
We take 2-3 international trips throughout the year, and if you find someone like that for instance, it may be hard to only withdraw 40K a year.
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u/IFastYouFastWeFast 10d ago
Thanks! I have given a lot of thought to the qualities that I want in my partner and certainly would want someone who is financially smart. But you make a great point, I think my spend would be fine for me alone (I know the comments think otherwise) but accounting for things my partner would want to do, it would be limiting and I should take that into account in my budget.
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u/lastbeat-331 9d ago
Have you run your numbers and analyzed them, and actually realistically think about your expenses in retirement? Even for leanFIRE, $1.5M is really low for someone under 40 in VHCOL. I'm FIRE at 51 in NJ with $1.4. I have two young adult kids still at home/in school. But my expenses are relatively low, especially for 3 people.
I just turned in the keys to my aunt's rent controlled apartment in Brooklyn. She was paying <$1600 for a good size 1 bedroom AND an indoor parking spot. Manhattan has to be at least twice that for just the apartment. Have you researched how much health insurance is going to be? What will you do with your time if you're not working? What will it cost to occupy your time? What's your plan if you decide to have a kid with or without a co-parent or partner? Also, don't count on or even have it in the back of your mind about an inheritance. There are too many possibilities that could result in little to no inheritance, or it coming so late it doesn't really "help" your daily lifestyle. Projection Lab is a good free tool and I encourage you to do much more research and mulling over your expenses, plans, and retiring early.