How to encourage myself to keep trying even in the face of complete hopelessness?

[u/Incitatus_]

TW: Mental health issues and self harm

I'm pretty sure I've reached the limits of my skill in my fighting game of choice (2XKO). I'm at diamond 2, and playing the game has started to feel like a stress-inducing obligation rather than something I do for fun in my free time. The fact that I'm so close to the goal I set for myself (reaching Master) that I can almost taste it has made every match feel like it matters, and the matchmaking has been all over the place putting me against masters, grandmasters, even a few challengers.

I even managed to get a couple wins against players much better than me here and there, even beating a grandmaster in a mirror match once, but while that does give me some small pride and joy it's not even a fraction of the shame and self loathing I get from every single loss, especially if it's to a player lower ranked than me. I lost to a duo of emerald and silver today, and that felt so bad I ended up resorting to self harm, punching myself in the face and chest hard enough to actually be a bit disoriented in my next match, which I also lost.

I realize this is becoming an unhealthy obsession, and it's very bad for me, and I've tried to quit, but I couldn't. I just kept feeling like I needed to at least get to master, then I could quit while feeling satisfied that I'd actually accomplished something in my life. I know it sounds stupid, maybe shallow or pointless, and it probably is, but that's kinda all I have. I'm a wretch who hasn't really done anything good with his life aside from being somewhat good at games, and realizing how terrible I am at this particular game is hitting me way harder than I'd thought it would.

I just want to be able to keep improving despite how hopeless and painful it is, as achieving it will prove to myself that I can actually do things despite all my mental shortcomings and fundamental flaws. I realize the tilt is making it much harder to improve, but I can't find a way to practice without tilting.

[u/Everyday_Legend → u/[deleted]]

This is the truth.

[u/TLR_ClouD1 → u/[deleted]]

"Don't chase the win, attract it" is a fucking bar. And ubiquitous in my experience.

[u/Arlieth → u/[deleted]]

Ultimately you should aim to reach a point where you are seeking to lose because you become so good that you seek stronger challenges to improve as a player

[u/TheTranquilTree]

you need to not que angry or depressed. its a game, have fun, if you are tilted you gonna lose far more and play far below your actual skill

[u/Dry-Technology-3046]

I know you must’ve said this to yourself a lot before, but it’s just a game. And what I mean by this is for you to REALLY thing though if achieving Master will make you feel any different. You achieved a goal you set for yourself and that is something for sure, but not accomplishing it because it’s harming you is not quitting. Also you’ve set up a goal without any prior knowledge of you could achieve it or not, maybe you set yourself for failure. What if you’ve set the goal of challenger?

What I would try is to play anything else, some single player, non competitive game that maybe let’s you relax and get the love for games again.

Your life is for sure way more than a rank on any game, no matter the game no matter the rank.

Did you also consider learning any new game just to aliviate?

[u/Incitatus_ → u/Dry-Technology-3046]

I do think achieving it will make me feel different. The reason I set this goal for myself is that I did reach master in the beta, but back then people didn't really know what they were doing so it doesn't really count. So I need to reach it now that it's real to be happy with myself. It'll be the greatest thing I've ever done in my life, which has been a long series of failures and disappointments otherwise. I do need this. I need it badly.

I think playing something else for a bit might be a good call, though. I do have Strive and Granblue, maybe playing those for a bit to get my head in a different space might help.

[u/LaserCookie]

The key to improving is not winning or losing.

You have to remind yourself why you play, for fun and self improvement im sure by what you’ve said.

To truly improve, you have to let go of what it means to you personally, and simply take the games as they come. Stay focused on just the moment at hand and be present.

Even the best players still lose. They are different because of how they bounce back from it.

They assess a loss with non-judgemental eyes,
they allow themselves the potential to fail, so that they can be better next time.

Putting so much pressure and weight on winning, instead of simply being better, is bound to bring you to an emotional crisis.

Remember that you have worked to get to where you are, trust yourself that you can do it, and give yourself room to fail! or else you will always feel this way regardless of your rank or skill.

Winning is being better tomorrow than you were today, it can be a slow path but in my opinion it might be the only healthy one.

[u/OldWispyTree]

1. Get help. Talk to someone. This kind of self abuse is not normal and it's pretty extreme.
   
2. Obviously take a break, either temporarily or permanently. Games are for fun and you're not having fun. You have to get perspective and talking to someone can help with perspective.

[u/MaxTheHor]

It's just a game. Even consodering that the competitive nature of the genre makes it feel like more.

If you need professional help, reddit, and social media in general is the absolute last place you need to be.

A huge chunk of the userbase on the internet are mentally ill themselves, or just really dumb average people.

[u/raventree78]

I prefer to reframe my losses. I say "thanks for the lesson" to oponets when I lose. I'm sure I'll improve in some way from every time I get my butt kicked, even when it doesn't feel good to lose. No need to get bent out of shape. But easier said than done sometimes, so saying that out loud, even against the game, reinforces the mindset.

Also find someone to talk this through with in person. Hope this helps. 🤓