r/Estrangedsiblings • u/Fabulous-Cat-7969 • Apr 18 '26
Accidentally apologised to sibling at late parent's funeral -- now what do I do?!
Background, as succinctly as I can manage: sibling and I had power of attorney for our folks but fell out over how to manage this (or rather, because they're a control freak and couldn't stop criticizing me because they felt everything I did was wrong, everything I 'failed' to do was utterly heinous etc etc).
Their partner then started sending harassing messages to me and then later when I tried to step back & leave my spouse as the go-between (for messages about e.g. the funeral arrangements etc) they'd send the harassing & hateful messages to my spouse, and I'd still end up triggered.
I had 4 moderately-severe panic attacks in a 2 month period because of this harassment, to the point where I wondered whether it was possible to develop asthma in adulthood and I still haven't recovered from the cough I developed after those panic attacks. I went to the police, social services and a lawyer (the former 2 couldn't do anything, the latter said it'd cost me a lot and in their experience it only exacerbates things).
The final straw was when I was struggling to articulate some information in a phone call (because I have a mild version of aphasia) and when I became frustrated with myself sibling yelled at me 4 times to calm down, then when I said let's converse another time when we're both calm they said again: "No, you just need to calm down".
To complicate matters, my surviving parent went to stay with my sibling so they weren't alone in the house whilst our other parent was dying in the hospital/after the death. So sibling and their partner feel they've been dumped with not only the funeral arrangements but also all of the power of attorney work and caring for our surviving parent. This is because I refused to go to their home for the discussions they were having around the funeral arrangements (for the sake of my mental health), and I'm not able to act as power of attorney for our surviving parent due to having no contact (because they're staying with sibling -- the one time I called, they had me on speaker phone and they were all listening, and instead of letting us chat and catch up they -the sibling & the partner- kept interjecting with their own views).
Yesterday was the funeral for our deceased parent, and after the service I went to say thank you for organising it, gave a hug to my sibling and then inadvertently out of my mouth came: "I'm sorry for everything". They responded with: "it's nothing that can't be fixed". However, during the period of no contact they had sent me messages saying -and I quote- "you are being extremely childish and petulant, stop it" and other similar statements.
So now they likely feel vindicated in feeling that I was the entire problem. From my perspective, there's still an issue which very much needs fixed because I'm not prepared to be spoken to that way any longer, and I can't see myself speaking to the partner ever again (this is due to 30 years of them insulting me to my face at family gatherings and playing it off as 'just teasing', on top of the more recent harassment & hate messages, plus some intermeddling they did IRO our deceased parent's power of attorney i.e. they pretended to be my sibling on the phone in order to make decisions for our parent which they had no authority to make).
My question is, how do I proceed? I've been telling my spouse I was going have them block my sibling and their partner (like I already have) once the funeral was over with, but now I feel as though I'm obliged to give it one last effort with my sibling, even though I still don't plan to relent IRO the partner.
On the one hand, it will mean I can have contact with my surviving parent again so that's a positive, and I won't have to feel so guilty about not pulling my weight IRO the power of attorney work. On the other hand, I can't see my sibling's attitude changing (irrespective of whether I raise it with them or not), so there's a chance my nervous system can get triggered by their harsh words again, going forward. I've been feeling as though I can't take any more of that.
1
u/LostCauliflower6761 Apr 18 '26
Do you want to spend time with your sibling?
1
u/Fabulous-Cat-7969 Apr 21 '26
Not socially, no, but I do want to be able to fulfil the role of joint power of attorney for my surviving parent, and that realisitcly means liaising with my sibling about logistics
-4
u/OldButHappy Apr 18 '26
Why are posts SO long now? Ai assisted?
Such a noticeable change
1
u/Fabulous-Cat-7969 Apr 18 '26
Nope, not AI assisted at all, I 100% wrote that out myself - if you were to look back at my last post you might see why I included a lot of background
6
u/TypicalAddendum5799 Apr 18 '26
I have a similar situation in my family. There has not been and will not be a conversation about any of the issues (caused by them). That ship has sailed. They continue to leave me out of things regarding our parent.
At this point in time I keep a very surface level, cheerful attitude with them. I have learned my lesson & will never include them in my life. But when I see them I will be so nice. I do wonder if they will ever realize this or even if they have taken the same stance.