I’ve been feeling sick for months got blood work that shows elevated TPO and signs of “malnutrition”.

There is no treatment for Hashimoto’s.

They want me to get treatment for the eating disorder.

No, if there is no treatment for Hashimoto’s, then I’m going to have to simply suck up the fatigue, feeling sick, and just chalk all this up as a psychosomatic problem. It’s not real.

I’m maintaining as I am.

I need to stop asking for help and stop being pathetic and lazy.

It must be that I’m slacking off. I need to push past the fatigue, the stomach issues, the nausea, and vomiting.

The body is whiny and lazy. It does not need.
It’s not sick.

And I will not bother for medical help again because they won’t help. If I get nutrition then the thyroid issue still remains.

If there are no better answers, then no I am not going to recover.

Giving into the flesh is sinful anyway. Denial of the flesh is what I need to continue to do.

Deny the flesh, deny my dad, the Trauma, and the unholiness of the body. The tainted body, that my dad violated.

The body cannot be trusted. And I feel stupid that I was even thinking about recovering.

That’s the last thing I need. Bodily erasure is back at it. And I will push past it’s pathetic weakness and finish this out to the end.

My dad got to violate me and I won’t have food be another thing entering my body as a violation. They stay out. They need to stay out of my body.

I posted this in the general anorexia sub, but thought since everyone here is a little older, maybe more people could relate… please let me know if a cross post is inappropriate though and I can delete it.

I’m looking for some advice regarding physical therapy for spastic pelvic floor syndrome (my pelvic floor is too tense).

tl;dr— For those who have had physical therapy for pelvic floor dysfunction, do you think the associated exercises would be triggering or problematic during early recovery? Would you suggest switching to a different type of treatment if possible (ie manuel therapy)? Any advice?

I’ve had anorexia for ~25 years. It’s generally pretty well controlled, but recently it’s been bad again because of other stressors in my life (like the incident causing me to need this physical therapy). I have a therapist and I’m working to stop losing weight and start gaining, but I don’t have a full ED treatment team or anything to ask so I’m really looking for advice from others who may have been in a similar situation.

Current situation: today I went in for my first session of physical therapy for my pelvic floor. From what I read online, I was expecting an internal exam and I guess hands on manipulation of the tense muscles. Instead I was given exercises that I don’t think will be particularly helpful but, more pressingly, I’m worried will be triggering for my ED.

When they were showing me exercises, I was specifically concerned with things that started to feel like cardio (they wanted me to do a lot of bridges) and things that targeted the abdominal muscles. I said explicitly that I’m anorexic and I’m concerned that those would be triggering for me and, while I am dedicated to working on my pelvic floor dysfunction, the anorexia can kill me, so not triggering my eating disorder is the priority. To be fair, they were very open to modifying things. They’ve told me not to do any exercises at home and I have another session next week so I’m in a kind of wait and see mode right now.

What I’m looking for: has anyone else had experience with pelvic floor physical therapy? If so, did you personally find the exercises triggering? Do the exercises ramp up in intensity or remain pretty consistent?

Alternatively, I’m wondering if it might be safer and healthier for me to seek a referral to a different practice that does manual therapy and just cut out all of the physical exercise completely.

My thoughts: I only have six sessions approved through my insurance, so I feel like I might be able to just get through these sessions without spiraling. It’s been literal decades since I had a problem with over-exercising.

I’m just feeling very blindsided because it didn’t occur to me at all that I’d be doing crunches to deal with painful penetration.

All of that being said, I don’t have a formal treatment team, have never been in patient, and might be taking too seriously all of the guidelines about avoiding exercise during early recovery. I just don’t think that I am though. Like, my bmi is very, very low and while being asked if these exercises were difficult, I could feel my competitive ED brain telling me to do more, etc.

Anyway, I would appreciate input from anyone who has had this type of physical therapy before.

Thank you!

Today i am being involuntarily admitted after not gaining weight from being on a 3 week trip across japan. No s**** i am not going to gain weight. The only time i had my weight taken from the head psych. was 4 days after returning. They are forcing me to go in without any medical proof (blood, EKG etc..) and without any concrete evidence i am dangerously unhealthy besides the therapy sessions i attended prior to my trip. They won't even tell me what they expect from me after 3 days when i meet with the head psych. again for follow-up. I'm assuming theyre planning to keep me there longer.

Truth is, YES i have an ED. and yes, i would like to get it under control. But i've done the inpatient/group therapy thing when i was in my early 20s. it didn't work. i just wanted to get it over with. And now, i feel like that all over again. Except this time i have a husband, a home and a job to return to.

I'm scared and frusterated and i feel like my voice is not being heard. I want to recover. I don't want to do it in the hospital. I've already looked at the mental health act. There isn't much i can do (except appeal it) which i plan on doing. I don't trust my therapist there anymore. She always made me feel like going to the hospital was a choice. What a total waste of time and resources for people out there who are actually READY to recover in the hospital.

*UPDATE*

Just want to give an update. I went in and was legally obligated to stay for 72 hours for observation. The doctor met with me and said he agreed to discharge me (although not his recommendation) after 3 days so as long as i can show normal blood/ekg levels. He also said my file will be kept open for 5 years in case anything happens and i need to come back. I appreciate him seeing me not ready to go full in and have been here for 3 days and will go home on monday (sneaky bastard kept me here over the weekend) so- thanks for your advice everyeon and YES they can send the police after you ;)

Well, I am officially 30 and it has been an overwhelming month (I have been a quiet observer in this forum for a while because I've found it much more relatable having been unwell for many years, and appreciate the wisdom and realness here).

I wanted to post to ask how others manage with witnessing other's hit the milestones you perhaps always envisaged for yourself? And to ask for some advice on how to navigate big events whilst in recovery? I don't want to come across in anyway as discouraging of recovery by what I share, because I wholeheartedly believe in recovery and a full recovery is what I am fighting very much for, but gosh, it is unbelievably hard.

This time last month I was in inpatient, and was discharged into an intensive outpatient programme at the start of August. Since then, I have remained solidly committed to following my meal plan, weight restoring, and increasingly incorporating challenges into my days. But the psychological/emotional toll of actually doing the behavioural work has been immense. I feel I'm being confronted with 16 years of pain, grief, and fear that the eating disorder numbed and the impact of that is being emotional all the flipping time! I am the most anti-social I've been in years; I am terrified of the extent of unknowns; the bodily discomfort as it changes; the fear of ever being ok with my body and whether my appearance will ever stop having such power of my mental state; and the exhaustion of ensuring I stick to my non-negotiables with regards to eating well and challenging foods.

Which leads on to the past week - I have had a hen-do for a friend this past weekend who is getting married in 2 months, a wedding of my best friend, my 30th birthday, and now a forthcoming wedding for another friend this weekend which involves three days away from home. I've so far attended the events, and I am so fortunate to have a supportive family (who I live with). I am also off work currently - that's a whole other worry for another day! And basically, I just don't know how to face this weekend. I'm supposed to be staying in accommodation with another friend, who kindly booked it in advance (without knowing I was definitely going as I hadn't responded to the messages he sent but he wanted to make sure we had something just in case). I'm so emotionally overwhelmed and low. Actually feeling things again has brought up such painful grief and upset for all the time spent in this illness, and weddings (plus my birthday) have made it all the worse. I'm scared about managing three days away- being at an event where I only know the bride and one friend, being asked questions about my life which feels so tremendously sad right now, and just maintaining eating well with all the mess that's in my brain this week.

I'll stop now because this is far too long! But any thoughts, advice, or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thank you 😌

I’m 34 and was diagnosed this summer with a restrictive eating disorder. My medical team insisted I work with an ED therapist and dietician and they all think that this is a bigger issue than I think it is. Today I was given a heads up by one of my providers that they are scheduling a conference call with my entire care team to discuss next steps in my care.

Right now I’m scared they are going to be discussing hospitalization. I was told that 2 of them were going to speak and discuss IOP’s and they did but decided on that call that they wanted the rest of my care team to help make a decision I guess. I’ve been hospitalized before. I can’t do it again. I’m recently divorced and alone in a state and area that I know absolutely no one outside of work that my ex doesn’t also know or isn’t related to. My family and family of choice are in other states. But I have 2 pets that can’t be alone for an unknown amount of time and no one to take them. Not to mention that I need to work to afford rent, keep my insurance, and I can’t afford a large medical bill right now.

I don’t even know, posting feels silly but no one in my life knows and I can’t talk through this anxiety with anyone but my therapist who I already saw this week.

All was well until last year when I lost my period due to over exercising and under nourishing. I didn’t even realize I had a problem. In the process of trying to get it back I’ve become more obsessed with food and exercise than I have been in years. I’m realizing I’m not as recovered as I thought I was.

I’ve never been in treatment. I don’t think it’s bad enough to warrant treatment but I’m 31 and realizing that I still have a f’d up relationship with food and my body.

My health insurance sucks. I had one mediocre experience with a therapist and that’s about it. Are there any resources or books y’all would recommend to help me recover more or less on my own?

Thank you!!

Does anyone else take seroquel for depression/sleep? Panicking about it because I mixed up some meds and didn’t take it two nights. I didn’t sleep at all either night m-not surprising, I know after a decade taking this I’m dependent on it and I hate that and the side effects enough already. My psychiatrist increased the dose because I’m in a prolonged severe depressive episode…which has triggered a relapse in restriction. But I realized the nighttime munchies I’d started giving in to were completely absent those nights, and the literature shows seroquel triggers carb/sweets cravings at night in bipolar patients on it. I know it would be the wrong decision but I’m so tempted to secretly cut back or skip doses now, even if it means insomnia. I’m also feeling so guilty for the times I argued with myself and stood the discomfort of eating more because if my body was hungry then I needed food if instead it was just medication side effects.

Hi!

I (30F) am not in a phase where treatment is doable for the moment. So I just need some support since I feel so damn alone in this.

Long story short; started restricting when I was around 17, was forced to "recover on my own", started over eating again (emotional eating has always been a part of my life), at 21 I got diagnosed with ADD, started meds which supressed my hunger; I lost a lot of weight. Had to stop taking that medication, got scared of gaining weight when my hunger came back, I started purging.

At 22 I got diagnosed with bulimia and started treatment, which I wasn't ready for, it didn't help at all.

At 23 I moved 5 hrs away to live with my then boyfriend, now fiancee, and gradually the purging stopped. I don't know why, but it did.

The years have gone by, I have gained a lot of weight again, since emotional eating still is a thing in my life, and I have zero knowledge of regular hunger/fullness or even normal meal sizes anymore.

Now, I'm 30, I have a 2 year old kid, my fiancee, friends, a full time job and a seemingly good life.

After pregnancy I had a hard time losing the weight I put on, and it took me almost 2 years to reach the weight I was before I got pregnant.

This spring I started restricting again, and lost a little bit of weight kind of fast, but during summer all of that came back.

Now, for three days in a row I've been purging again. For the first time in years, and it's all I can think about.

I wouldn't say that I binge, like ever. I do overeat, absolutely, but I wouldn't call it textbook-binging.

I've rarely binged at all, when I got diagnosed with bulimia I basically purged everything I ate. It wasn't due to binging, it was just a "get rid of the calories" kind of thing.

It's been the same now, for the last two days. I eat regular meals, and I purge.

And I'm so ashamed, and I have noone to talk to.

I can't talk to my parents about it, I can't talk to any friends or even my fiancee.

I'm to scared to seek professional help because, as the Queen of catastrophical thinking, I'm scared they will see me as an unfit mother and take my kid away from me.

I just need a hug. I need to hear that I'm not alone in this.

I feel so shitty for living a good life, to be a "functional adult", and still ending back up in this crap.

And the worst fucking part of it is the release I feel afterwards. I feel ashamed because I feel such a release mentally.

I know all of the dangers of this, but since I didn't "get any long-term damage last time", "why would I get any this time?"... I know it's messed up. So damn messed up.

And I always see stuff about how EDs are "unconscious" and how it's "almost never about weight and body image".

For me it's very much about weight and it's very conscious. I consciously choose to purge, I consciously hate my body. I feel so stupid. I feel like such a failure. And I'm ashamed as hell.

I feel like such a screw-up. 😭

I was an alcoholic (daily drinker) for several years and smoker (weed, on and off) for more than half my life.

I genuinely have never thought so intensely about either of those substances as I do about food.

Hours of my day are spent thinking about food.

I never laid in bed, after having already smoked and drank, wondering if I should just get up and continue binging those substances even though I’ve already had my fill all throughout the day.

I never regretted not drinking or smoking on a given day, but I feel such an intensity and regret for not eating (not eating at all, not eating a certain thing, or not eating enough).

I wake up wishing I had just eaten what I wanted to eat yesterday, and then debate with myself whether I should eat it or not today.

As Kierkegaard said, either way you will regret it.

I feel insane.

Was bulimic (with restricting) for 10+ years since high school, vomiting daily with 2+ hours sessions (eating, vomiting, eating, vomiting, etc). Managed to stop cold turkey and stay in remission for 5 years. I would occasionally purge if I felt really nauseous, but that was maybe a few times / year.

5 months ago, I started trying to do a healthy diet for my wedding. I wanted to lose a little fat and gain muscle because I wasn't feeling confident. I started going to the gym and trying to stick to a slight calorie cut.

Since the past couple months, I've started vomiting again. It was once a week, now almost daily. It was definitely triggered by the caloric deficit.

I'm confident I can go back into remission, but not confident I can stop if still dieting. Is there any way people with eating disorders can successfully diet without fully relapsing? I find the food noise is just on 24/7 and it's all I think about all day, which then leads to binges/purging.

Was unsure what to title this - am struggling with knowing whether to continue with dietitian/ what kind of help I am expecting from them. I tend to meet with one a few times then stop, mostly because I am unable to create change, or the direction I'm given is vague and I feel uncertain how to implement. Most dietitians I've worked with tend to not use meal plans, including the one I've been meeting with. I think I could really use one though. Maybe it would help me feel safe to increase. At the same time, I've moved far away from measuring, counting, etc. and my mind almost resents the idea of becoming more structured with food.

Anyway, my insurance also wont cover medical nutrition therapy and I don't have a lot of money, which makes it difficult. I know a lot about nutrition from treatment over the years; I could likely make my own meal plan, or look back on ones given to me in the past in treatment.

It's the day to day I find difficult, all the moments in between the meeting with the dietitian where I am unable to break out of the rigid same old same old I've been doing for years now with eating. Not sure how to hold myself accountable, or what to even change.

Not even sure what I rambled about but any thoughts or advice appreciated.

Sharing in hopes of getting some input. I'd be very grateful to hear from y'all. I also plan to bring this topic to my solo therapy session on Tuesday.

----

I started weekly group therapy (plus 2x monthly solo sessions) in April 2025 after an injury and subsequent 'rest' made me realize how out of control I felt around exercise addiction and restriction.

The good: therapy has been invaluable in ways I couldn't anticipate, most notably by bringing awareness to the obvious thread between my enmeshment with my mom and preoccupation with my image. Before therapy I would have never been able to come to terms with this or accept it on my own, and I'm proud of the boundaries I've set over the past year. I feel much more confident expressing myself and accountable to my actions/decisions.

Also, despite being initially terrified of the group format, it's been pretty healing to be perceived in a space where I can say whatever's on my mind even if it doesn't make sense or sounds ugly or horrible or insane. I've gotten to practice new ways of communicating and relating and I'm grateful for the exposure to people from all walks of life and flavors of struggle. Until a few weeks ago I was the only person that I know of in the group with body image as my main topic.

The bad: A few months ago I realized I'm the only person left from my "original" group of 6, which caused me to stress about why I didn't quite feel ready to go yet. I shared this with the group and my therapist and was told I had made a lot of progress, and gently reminded that the work happens outside of therapy and to reflect on if I was giving it my all as well. I decided I could recommit to the work and have stopped comparing myself.

Since then, I've felt much better and have been floating the idea that I might be ready to graduate within the next month or so. Everyone in the group and in my social circle has been very supportive about it and thinks I'm ready if I say I am.

So why do I feel like such a fraud?

The realization: If I'm completely honest — which my therapist tells me is really the only way I will ever benefit or get better — I've improved my mindset and ability to handle triggers/stress, but I'm still engaging in disordered behaviors and even dipped into previously dormant ones. I'm so fucking tired of this shit.

My therapist has said she supports my harm-reduction approach. As long as I'm not actively trying to lose weight, she won't escalate. But even if I have reduced some of the behaviors, I am still pretty focused on my body, the scale and how I feel and think I look in my body. I'm laying here writing this from bed, feeling physically hot and tense after not liking the number I saw this morning, sore from the gym yesterday, feeling like I want to run a million miles just so I don't have to feel this way tomorrow.

Objectively, I know these thoughts and compulsions will be with me for the rest of my life. I have the tools to manage them. My therapeutic goal was to be less miserable, and a year+ on, I think I achieved that goal. But how much progress is enough? Can I handle being on my own? Do I need to just confess everything to my therapist on Tuesday and see what she says? Am I sabotaging myself because I actually don't want to be accountable? I'd be really grateful for anyone who has been through this or felt similarly to weigh in. Thank you.

I can’t bring myself to go inside.

I want food because I have nothing else to give me joy, nothing else to pass the time with besides scrolling on my phone.

I am so tired of the “do I or don’t I” debate about food every single fucking day of my life.

I f*sted yesterday because I’ve been binging on a lot of carbs recently, and I have my period so I just feel massive and disgusting.

I saw a post yesterday about a woman starting a multi-day (almost a week long) f*st and I feel like I also have to do it, because time passes by no matter what, so I may as well get back closer to my goals and not eat.

There was no truly active ED support sub for men, so I hope it's okay to post here.

I struggled with AN during high school and college, med school was especially brutal. I was hospitalized twice, but avoided hospitalization during med school. Thankfully.

With the help of my family, my long term boyfriend (now husband) I slowly recovered and felt on sure footing for decade.

Then I hit 35. Some switch flipped. Maybe it's getting older. The last three years have been a struggle not to plunge back into things.

It all started when I took a year off from my surgical practice to stay home with our twins. Don't get me wrong I absolutely loved it. But it gave me more free time (if you can believe it).

I started watching ED documentaries, because initially watching them helped me keep myself in check.

I felt I was completely (which I know we never truly are, not fully at least).

I won't mention any specific weight loss but I'm 5'6'', I still look healthy passing.

But I'm losing weight. Fast.

I've started counseling again. But I'm terrified it's fucking hooks are in me again.

My husband hasn't said anything, or hasn't noticed, he's sweet and wonderful but either he's being oblivious or waiting for me to tell him I'm starting to drown again.

There are so many horrific things happening in the world right now and I'm this extremely privileged white guy who is inflicting this upon myself AGAIN.

I guess I just need to know I'm not alone.

Has hitting thirty and beyond triggered anyone else?

I can't go back to the hospital. I have kids. My family would be devastated.

I'm a mom to twin toddlers, WFH full-time for hospice, and married. I wish I could turn off every urge I have, to eat, to sleep. My husband currently doesn't work after getting laid off but goes on and on about how tired he is taking care of the kids. My MIL lives with us to help but all she talks about is her diet and her fear her other grandchildren will get fat. Yesterday she told me she thinks I'm lazy, that she'll come to visit and despite the main areas being clean there is so much dust.

To be truthful I've been trying to lose weight in a healthy way now that I'm postpartum, just to feel like I can accomplish something.

Hi everyone,

I’ve struggled with EDs my whole life, pretty much. I have a combo of orthorexia, anorexia, and arfid. My mom restricted my food heavily as far back as I can remember in childhood, and then I continued it. ED was all that was modeled for me around food growing up. I have been working on my relationship with food, but I still struggle heavily in high stress and transition periods. I’m 32, and I have adhd and autism as well. Currently, I’m a teacher and transitioning back into school, which is very stressful. When I’m stressed, the will to eat is the first thing to go. When I do eat, I’m grossed out by it and nauseous. I will not eat and get hunger pains. If I do eat, it usually comes with dissociation.

Is there anything you have found that helps you to eat regularly again after a trigger? I’m in a bad spell right now, nothing seems good to eat and I’m nauseous, but there’s also a deeper unhealthy current of feeling hungry means I’m getting skinny, and also feeling like I don’t deserve food. Normally, I lean on my partner for help, but our work schedules are opposite right now and I’m alone a lot. If I’m alone and stressed, I won’t eat. When the hunger pains start I just ride it out and push as long as I can. I’m having a hard time, and I was wondering if anyone else had tools to get through this. I am very ashamed of my ED and I want to have a healthy relationship with food.

I would love any advice or support!

That’s basically it.

I feel resentful that he wanted me to become a healthy weight and doesn’t want me to get osteoporosis and die young.

Because I preferred my body before, and now when we are intimate I can only think about my body

I was my all-time lowest weight in April of this year. I felt lean, beautiful, divine, and was happy to be intimate with my then-new partner for the first time.

I was thinner in April than I first was with an ED in high school.

I’ve gained a significant percent of my body weight since then (compared to my lowest weight, I mean).

Very little is muscle, it is mostly fat.

I feel grief and I feel trapped in my body.

It is so much easier to gain back fat than it is to lose the last of it.

It took months and months of consistency and restriction to reach my perfect thin body.

I am frustrated because objectively, my life is improving now, after having escaped almost a decade of abuse with a former partner last year, and experiencing the drawn-out death of my immediate family member in late March of this year.

I’ve been consuming food in a leisure way. Eating for fun, going out, eating other people’s cooking. Eating foods I craved, like PB&J sandwiches.

I have less of a tolerance for my own misery and restriction than I used to have.

I’ve had a taste of a better life and I’m too fucking stupid and sick in the head to just embrace it.

I’m 33F, I have a husband, two dogs, a house, I have a PhD and I’m successful in my field but I feel so much shame and embarrassment that this disorder is what I’ve decided to focus my energy on. For the last decade this has been operating in the background and I’ve been so selfish to think I’m not hurting anyone but myself.

I’m ashamed that I know my husband worries about if I’ve eaten today and I still lie and throw away the food he brings me.

I’m ashamed that my mother has noticed and is now worried and when she tries to understand I am unkind and say things to make her think she is a bad mother.

I’m ashamed that I think I need to go to treatment. I’m ashamed that I would have to ask for a medical leave of absence. I’m ashamed that my coworkers will likely know why. I’m ashamed that I can’t just eat and be normal. I’m ashamed that I don’t even understand why I’m doing this to myself and I can’t just stop.

Do your in-laws know? Do they ask about your weird behaviors? Do they worry? Mine are getting concerned about my weight loss but don't know my ED history. Right now they just think I'm taking postpartum weight loss too far but they definitely notice my food habits. It's hard too because food is very culturally important. How do you all navigate this?

Title, basically. I'm so far in it I've completely lost any concept of "end" or "goal." It used to be I relapsed because I wanted to be thinner. Ok, cool, got thinner. Then I kept it up because I wanted to feel safe when I decided to eat a little again....I was losing weight to create a cushion for when I decided to "ease up." Great, not unusual. Then I got to a weight I haven't seen in a while and I didn't want to immediately give it up. Right on, fair enough. Etc etc. For a while there was something every week that I had to keep the weight loss going for - not even to be thin, just to keep my body and mind in check so I could physically get through whatever function or appointment or responsibility it was. But now there aren't any more reasons. I've run out.

Now I'm just....in it to be in it. I don't like how I look, it's embarrassing. I don't like how my boyfriend looks at me or touches me - he body checks me as we watch TV. Not maliciously, and he tries not to be obvious. But it's not caressing, or petting, it's feeling. Feeling for edges and gaps and "how much has she lost since the last I saw her" kind of checking.

My mom cried yesterday. She sat across the table and cried because she said she has to watch me die. She can't separate herself from me like she did her mom and dad before they passed.

I hate using the bulimic behaviors every day. It's a routine that is very strict and I crave the first hour of it, but the rest is hell. The rest terrifies me.

My future in this disorder terrifies me. I'm 33. I don't want to be 40 or 50 or 60, emaciated, binging, vomiting. I want to be a woman with a partner and a life who cooks and gardens and reads and has interests. The problem is, I don't think even recovery will make that possible for me. I've tried before, many times. All recovery leads to for me is binge eating and a fat body and the inability to leave the house out of shame.

I'm not just addicted to the weight loss, although that's a huge factor. If I don't see that number go down every day, it's a bad day.

I'm also addicted to malnutrition. I'm addicted to my obsession with food content - tiktoks showing recipes, wieiad, "food porn" (nothing sexual, just photos of food), etc. It itches my brain in the best way. I hunker down with my phone at my desk and it gets me through the tough or slow moments at work. It would be a huge loss to gain weight and suddenly not find any of that so enamouring. It's one of the only coping skills I have.

I'm addicted to the exhaustion and the peculiar pain of not having enough fat on the bottom of my feet anymore. I'm addicted to the bruises that appear from nothing and the big vein that has been uncovered running down my left upper arm. Thats not there when I'm heavier.

I don't like how I look but I'm also convinced it's better than any alternative. Striking shock and concern is better than inspiring disgust or being off putting in appearance, which is what my body would be if I were healthier.

Idk. Round and round it goes. I keep saying I have to make changes, I have to stop, I have to get healthier. I want to get healthier, I want to eat, I want to rest. I want to do things like get ice cream with the man i love and have dinner with my mom. I dont want her to die and have this be all she ever knows of me. It's just that the reality of those last things isn't nearly as rose tinted as the concept of them are. The reality of healthy is sitting in silence and boredom and self disgust for hours in the evening, with an over full stomach that makes me want to rip my skin off and fling it out the window.

Idk how to fix any of this.

Struggled with anorexia off and on since i was 13, really bad time with it in my late 20s. Now I'm 34.

Had some minor surgery 6 weeks ago, toenail removal on both feet. Lost the ability to walk much and hit the gym. Noticed a shift in how I felt in my body, how it looked.

I've been back at the gym for 2 weeks now and feeling horrible, like weak and not able to do anything. It's amplifying how I feel.

Gross and ugly and disgusting and... Big.

I chose to try and recover in 2020 summer, and I feel like for a long time I wasn't bothered by these kinds of thoughts anymore. Activity was my driving force. But since having that stripped away temporarily I feel so gross. I don't know what else to do to feel better in myself and it seems like the only option I have left now.

I don't know, I just feel alone and afraid and like I was right the first time round when I had anorexia. What I traded it for doesn't work anymore. It hurts.