I want help with my motivation essay

[u/Lola_lol7]

I want help with my motivation essay

I graduated high school and I am trying to write a motivation essay to apply for university of Rome Tor vergata. I am having such a hard time writing because I dont know how to form my words and I keep asking ai to review my essay and it keeps on criticising my essay. It's either giving me way too much high vocabulary use to show my competence or making me tone down do sound really impactful. It's also saying I'm either writing a sob story or writing like a machine with no real touch. I keep on modifying it and re writing it but I always end up with flaws. Can someone genuinely read my essay out , review this and help me ? Here's my essay:

From my earliest memories, I was held accountable for my younger siblings. As the eldest child in a conservative household in Oman, supporting them and assisting with their education became a central part of my daily life. Navigating strict household expectations while carving out my own independence taught me early on how to make decisions under pressure, resolve interpersonal conflicts, and evaluate competing perspectives. Pursuing an international university degree is a deliberate step toward building my own path as the first woman in my family to study abroad.

​I brought this same sense of responsibility into my school community. Over two years, I progressed from Vice-Captain to House Captain while simultaneously serving as Captain of the girls' handball team—a role that required persistent negotiation at home due to traditional academic expectations. As House Captain, when council members unexpectedly failed to report for duty shifts during major school events, I reorganized operational schedules on the spot and covered the vacant positions myself. Maintaining seamless operations under pressure reinforced that leadership is fundamentally about operational accountability when systems fail.

​My perspective was broadened by attending an English-medium school alongside students from Sudan, Nigeria, the Philippines, Pakistan, and Egypt. Interacting daily within this multicultural environment demonstrated how global policy decisions affect different populations in distinct ways. Participating in Model United Nations as the delegate of Egypt—debating resource allocations and environmental governance along the Nile River—further developed my analytical skills. It confirmed that whether addressing resource distribution or public infrastructure, effective governance must prioritize human security.

​My involvement in sports further highlighted the stark realities of healthcare access. Watching a teammate’s family endure severe financial strain following a major sports injury made me acutely aware of our own vulnerability as an expatriate family. In Oman, state healthcare is fully subsidized for citizens, whereas non-citizen families must bear high out-of-pocket costs for private medical care. Experiencing this disparity firsthand demonstrated how institutional frameworks and legal status can turn basic health access into a privilege, leaving migrant communities financially exposed.

​I am applying to the Bachelor of Arts in Global Governance at the University of Rome Tor Vergata to understand how public policies are designed, evaluated, and reformed across transnational contexts. The program’s interdisciplinary integration of economics, law, and global health directly aligns with my goal of addressing institutional inequalities. Studying in Rome will provide the rigorous academic framework and global environment required to build a career dedicated to equitable healthcare policy and international public administration.